revealing trust issues

[mattea]

my question to you all is, should i tell the person i'm seeing about my difficult past relationships and consequent difficulty trusting? or should i just wait it out, working through the fears on my own or talking with other friends?

 

here's my situation:

 

i've been seeing someone for a month or two. we have fun together, mostly just being silly or talking about ourselves or our lives more practically rather than revealing too much or going too much into the emotional realm.

 

i have some trust issues as my last 3 relationships in the last four years involved lies and betrayals. two of these relationships were supposedly serious & commited, but the guys cheated on me.

 

this new guy has lots of friends, male and female. a lot of his friends are married couples, but some are single. i have friends, both male and female too. the *last* thing i want to be is possesive or jealous or distrusting. the man i'm seeing now went out to dinner/drinks with a female friend the other night. i was busy that night at a work party. he told me all about going out with her, how he knows her, what they did and talked about, etc. he's also told me that he's not seeing anyone else romantically and won't being doing so while we're together. i have male friends with whom i do things, and they are purely platonic. i want to have a relationship where we're both ok with the other person having friends of the opposite sex.

 

the problem? i'm scared because the last two serious relationships i had the guys cheated on me with women who i knew about, who i was told were just friends. i think i'll feel better if/when the man i'm seeing now starts introducing me to his friends, and i am comfortable with them and i know that they know he's seeing someone. i haven't met any of his friends yet - we've always spent time together just the two of us except on one occasion when he met some of my friends at a party. there hasn't actually been a lot of opportunity for us to meet each other's friends - we've both been out of town twice (each) since we started dating. it's not like he's going out spending time with them and just not inviting me... we've both been really busy.

 

thoughts?

[SuperMonk]

Don't worry much about it. Think of someone cheating as a way of them dumping you "indirectly" - they just weren't into you. Yeah and how long have the both of you been dating?

[mattea]

we've just been dating for a couple months.

 

i hear what you're saying on the cheating thing, but then how on earth do you know if someone is really into you? these last guys who cheated were both guyssupposedly in love with me and wanting to spend their lives with me and they were longer-term relationships. one of them was still wanting to be with me and have a relationship after he cheated. we were together for awhile after he cheated because i didn't know about it until a long time after it happened.

[JS17]

I've posted here about trust before. I don't have any answers at all for you because I'm pretty much in the same place as you are as far as trust is concerned. You can have people tell you until they're blue in the face that not everyone will do that to you but it's hard to really believe it when you're in the situation. I can offer sympathy, that's about it. I'd be interested to hear what other people have to say though.

[Walk]

I think it's premature to bring such a heavy burden to the relationship at this time. The truth of the matter is, at this time he can't help you with your trust issues. Continue working on yourself, attempting to figure out where and how your past relationships stumbled so hard. Areas where you can safe guard yourself, without losing the ability to let others in? Were each of the men common in some way? Were there signs you overlooked at the time that you can see now?

 

I'm not sure when an appropriate stage of dating would be to bring this up. If you feel that you're unable to deal with the trust issue on your own, if it's beginning to affect the quality of your relationship, then I think it's your responsibility to inform your partner. Otherwise, this is really an issue you need to solve on your own. He won't be able to do it for you.

 

I think that's the hardest part... understanding that you have this fear that could jeapordize your relationship, but the weight of the solution lies mainly on your shoulders.

 

Enjoy the time, continue to find out as much about this man as possible, his views, opinions, thoughts and beliefs... But I would wait to unburden this issue onto the relationship until it has a more solid foundation.

[Lucasarts]

hummm

 

well i usually think when a girl or guy cheats on their significant other, its b/c there is something lackin in the relationship?

 

it doesnt help that your both very busy with your lives, how much time do you spend together anyways?

[witabix]

 

I'm not sure when an appropriate stage of dating would be to bring this up........... He won't be able to do it for you.

 

.................. but the weight of the solution lies mainly on your shoulders.

 

Enjoy the time, continue to find out as much about this man as possible, his views, opinions, thoughts and beliefs... But I would wait to unburden this issue onto the relationship until it has a more solid foundation.

 

 

I definately agree with Walk here, except on a few points of clarification perhaps.

 

I feel the appropriate stage to bring this is up is when/if he ever makes you feel there is something wrong. Don't let it ride, get the answers you need to make a definitive course of action, when the situation arises.

 

As for Walks assertion that he cannot do it for you, I agree, with the proviso that he may make it easy for you to trust him and he may make it hard, people do have a certain amount of responsibility to portray their trustworthiness to others, it is not a one way street.

 

Believe in yourself and your own gut instincts, make your own acceptable and realistic boundaries, whether you share them with someone or not, and stick to them.

 

Believe your eyes more than your ears, people IMO behave in the fashion that more closely resembles their trustworthiness than their words ever do.

[mattea]

thanks js17 for the empathy - of course i hope for the best for you but it's nice to know i'm not alone.

 

and thanks walk and witabix for the thoughts - what you say makes a lot of sense. i think there were things in these past relationships where the words didn't match the actions. in both cases, i heard a LOT of promises and big talk but the actions didn't match up. there *were* things i could have seen, but i just didn't want to see.

 

so far with this guy my gut and his actions tell me good things. however, sometimes i feel like my instincts are a bit broken, or at least injured and i think i get paranoid when there is no call for it because of past experiences. or on the other extreme i ignore signs because i don't want to be reacting from a place of inability to trust due to baggage so i'm confused.

 

the thing i am kind of waiting for now is to be invited into this guy's life to meet some of his friends. at this point that hasn't happened. he tells me about them all, but i haven't met them. so that's something i'll be watching over then next few weeks and months if we continue to date.

 

lucasarts - we've both been busy mostly due to traveling to see family for holidays (thanksgiving and christmas/new years). whenever we're both in town we see each other two or three times a week, and email pretty regularly.

[Walk]

the thing i am kind of waiting for now is to be invited into this guy's life to meet some of his friends. at this point that hasn't happened. he tells me about them all, but i haven't met them. so that's something i'll be watching over then next few weeks and months if we continue to date.

For me this is a biggie.. It's a deal breaker if it takes too long to meet his friends, or those close to him. I can't build trust for him if I feel part of him is unavailable. And I learn a lot about a man based on his interactions with his friends. If he's making promises and breaking them, then he'll do it to you. If he's sweet to their faces, then back stabs them, then he'll do it to you. I guess it's my way of weeding out the creeps by judging their relationships with others.

 

You haven't met any of his friends, and it's been a couple of months? Are the both of you really busy? Or does it seem like he's not interested in introducing you?

[witabix]

For me this is a biggie.. It's a deal breaker if it takes too long to meet his friends, or those close to him. I can't build trust for him if I feel part of him is unavailable. And I learn a lot about a man based on his interactions with his friends. If he's making promises and breaking them, then he'll do it to you. If he's sweet to their faces, then back stabs them, then he'll do it to you. I guess it's my way of weeding out the creeps by judging their relationships with others.

 

You haven't met any of his friends, and it's been a couple of months? Are the both of you really busy? Or does it seem like he's not interested in introducing you?

 

 

Again I am with Walk on this one. This issue has reared its head for me in my current relationship. (Currently threaded too!) Close friends that are kept from you, especially of the opposite sex, can be a real issue for me.

 

You seem to be aware of your own issues here, which is excellent, the trick is to find a middle ground between self induced blindness and delusional paranoia. That can be a hard a long trip, I haven't managed it yet.

 

And yet I know its not ALL my own fault. We all know that if a person makes it easy to trust them by being totally open and honest then it is easy. Don't make the mistake of taking all the blame for your trust issues on yourself.

 

As I said before it is a two way street.

[mattea]

You haven't met any of his friends, and it's been a couple of months? Are the both of you really busy? Or does it seem like he's not interested in introducing you?

 

yes, so far we've both been really busy. we started hanging out a little in october, then started dating in november. since then we've both been out of town twice each, at different times. and when we've both been in town, many of his friends have often been out of town. it's been holiday madness, i guess.

 

he talks about his friends a lot and explains who they are and how they know each other. he's said things like "you might like talking to/meeting this friend of mine because you have this thing in common". it's not like he's been going out socializing a lot and not inviting me along. everyone's been very busy - at least i think that's it, but now that things are going "back to normal" after the holidays i can see what happens next.

 

maybe that's another good question for people? after how long of dating someone new do you introduce them to your friends and hope to meet theirs? this is assuming that when you start dating you don't already have the same social circle...

[Walk]

maybe that's another good question for people? after how long of dating someone new do you introduce them to your friends and hope to meet theirs? this is assuming that when you start dating you don't already have the same social circle...

 

Not sure about others... but I didn't meet my bf's best friend until about 4-5 months into the relationship. Friend lives in another state though. The other friends: I knew one prior to the relationship, and met the other right about a month into the relationship.

 

It was the best friend that I didn't meet for several months that is most important to my bf. Hence my bf delayed introducing me until he was sure I was "the one".

 

Actually he told me later that I'm the first gf he's introduced to his best friend in over a decade. The only other one whose met this guy was a girl my bf almost married.

 

Wow. I bet my response really wasn't helpful.

[Walk]

I introduced my bf to friends and family about 4 months into the relationship. I had wanted to wait longer, but the circumstances were perfect to introduce him to others with the least amount of stress on him.

 

So if you two have only been dating since November, then I wouldn't think it weird. Especially with the hoidays and travel. But if March/April rolls around and you still haven't met his friends, I'd start asking some questions.

[Mary3]

On the Positive side : You have a man who is very open and honest with you about his friends , especially his female friend , with whom he goes into much great detail about their evening together. That to me is a GOOD sign that he respects you and has told you he would act appropriate under all circumstances .

 

On the other side , the real issue here is , You. By that I mean , you *own * your issues . They are yours and yours alone. They were delivered to you by men who cheated on you and now you have a protective shield so if it happens again....

 

I am not sure how much you told your current boyfriend but if you have told him and he is as kind so far then you have a great boyfriend.

 

But TRUST is number one. Without it you have nothing. Zero.

 

You have to learn to trust him. Believe him when he tells you. Can you predict or prevent an affair ? Absolutely not. * But * you have to ask yourself why you pick chronic cheaters.

 

I have never not trusted a boyfriend. I have not been cheated on ( I know someone might say how do I know that? ) . I am not a cheater... It all falls hand in hand.

 

I think that your picking this type of man could be a pattern.

Somewhere someone cheated perhaps.

Do you know if your father or uncles cheated ? Neigbors ? Friends ? Somwhere I think you were exposed to it . Then unfortunately you met a few men who cheated. The reason I suggest this is because when I was 13 years a converstation with my old my neighbor went something like this :

 

" Why are you crying ? " I asked . She said " Because he's been cheating on me " I said " Oh my God thats terrible " She said " Its okay, all men cheat. "

 

That was a lasting impression I hoped would not come to fructition.

 

Thankfully I did not experience that in my life time.

 

Just like abusers or alcoholics , chronic cheaters likely give you some clues which are ignored.

We who have been abused in some form mentioned above do get * clues * we really do...but we ignore them....Have you taken an honest look at your selection of men ? Did they give any clues that they were cheater-wanna-be's ?

[mattea]

thanks again for the responses. i do feel better about things.

 

mary3 and others who have suggested looking at patterns - i hear you! i do think about this and ask myself these kinds of questions, and i have some answers to why i gravitate towards men who cheat/betray. and yes, there were some signs that i chose to ignore. however, both of these guys told me about their friendships with the other women, although i didn't meet them. it gave me a false sense of security that they talked openly about having the friendships.

 

fortunately, i was in a long-term (6 year) relatoinship with a man who was incredibly loyal and devoted. i feel sooo lucky for that! we were young and it didn't work out for other reasons, but because i was with someone with so much integrity i am able to keep from that kind of "all men are like that" thinking. i don't believe that! some men cheat and some women do too, but not all.

 

i know the trust issues are mine, and i'm doing my best to sort through them. so far this guy has given me a lot of good signs, like you say. but you're right, i have my guard up a bit. the thing is - i don't know if things like him not having introduced me to any friends yet is a "red flag" that i am missing. i guess i don't trust myself to catch the red flags! so it's good to know that others took longer to meet the friends. only time will tell!