kamebera Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 My husband of three months was involved in an affair for four years with a married woman. They met at the golf course we both belong to when they both worked at the golf course bar. For the first two years I beleive they were together alot at the bar but the last two years did not work together and given that she never left her husband and three kids - they got together infrequently when she could sneak away. I think she just had enough of it - despite I think making him think they would be together forever - and she broke it off. When we first started dating - two years after their affair - he felt compelled to tell me all the details about the relationship and at the very beginning I had concerns he was not over her and stated quite strongly that I did not want to get involved with someone who was still hung up on someone else. He assured me he was over her. We got married three months after we started dating (both in our fifties and not a first marriage for either of us) - and I brought it up again right before - a nagging doubt that I just could not get over. He assured me again and though not thoroughly convinced I chose to believe him. Which seems nuts to me now because I had avoided marriage for fifteen years not wanting to make another mistake. Because of this nagging doubt I did a little snooping and found a picture of a woman in his wallet that must be her - tucked away but in an obvious spot that had to be deliberately placed and often seen - not forgotten from when they were together. This has devasted me - and I need some opinions on this - I don't believe my husband has seen or spoken to her since we got together but I don't know if I can ever make peace with the fact that I don't think he is over her when he so assured me he was...I know he loves me but this is just not what I wanted - someone who is basically yearning to still be with someone else if it were in his control.... :(
AJS Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I wouldn't worry about it, he probably doesn't even think about it or he would be smart enough to hide it where you couldn't find it. My H wallet gets packed with junk all the time, if it wasn't for me cleaning it out, it wouldn't fit into his pocket anymore. Just throw the picture away, bet he doesn't even miss it.
clandestinidad Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 oooooh....throw it away! If he throws a big fit about it you'll have your answer! Or you could bring it up to him and ask him if he's going to throw it away
VnusMars Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I think it's irresponsible to simply ignore it and chalk it up to forgetfulness. And it's an even BIGGER mistake to throw it away yourself (and also highly juvenile - what grade are we in now?) Sometimes something worrying but possibly benign is just the tip of a bigger iceberg. Sometimes it really is nothing. You at least owe it to your sanity to confront your H about the picture. Chances are good he'll say he forgot, in which case he either is telling the truth or he's lying and he still has some connection with this woman. And his answer will either comfort you...or it won't. And if it doesn't, and I don't think it will, then you're better off being wary and watching for other signs that something more sinister is going on. If you don't get them, great! But if you do, then at least you're better off knowing rather than just wondering.
Author kamebera Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 This man keeps a wallet with very little in it and checks it every day to make sure all in place. Would notice right away of picture missing - I'm very tempted to just pull the picture out and see the reaction... or if he replaces it - then I definitely would confront him..
bluechocolate Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Because of this nagging doubt I did a little snooping and found a picture of a woman in his wallet that must be her.... Does that mean you don't actually know who this is a picture of? I'm very tempted to just pull the picture out and see the reaction... or if he replaces it - then I definitely would confront him.. You're his wife - just ask him about it.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Memories can't hurt you. Unwarrented jealousy on your part, however, could put a serious damper on your new marriage. Unless your husband has done something to make you suspect that he is actively engaged in an affair with this woman....then it's in the past. Best to let 'sleeping dogs' lie. You are a mature couple. Both of you probably have quite a bit of stored memories. You shouldn't begrudge him of his, anymore that you want him to begrudge you of yours. A photo in his wallet probably just means that he's not quite ready to put it away yet. It will be the solidity of YOUR relationship with him, as his friend, companion, and partner that makes him secure enough to leave the past behind. You won't get there by pushing him in the direction you want him to go. You'll need to lead him there by virtue of his trust in you.
konfuzd Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Each of our personalities are determined by people and situations from our past. We learn from our experiences, grow and become who we are because of people, places and events we have experienced and/or overcome. With or without the picture in his wallet, he is bound to think of this woman from time to time, as I'm sure you do your previous husband/boyfriends. How you deal with it will determine whether or not it's a problem. Why not slip a really cute picture of you in front of it, or one of the two of you together? Then he'll have something to remind him of what was and what is.
Weye Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Just because he has a picture in his wallet of her doesn't mean that he is "yearning to still be with someone else". Look at some of the other threads on this board. You'll hear stories of deception, pornography, flirting, necglect, infidelity, and domestic violence. And you're getting jealous by a small picture in his wallet? It sounds to me like you have a good, happy marriage. Don't do anything to damage it. By snooping, you're just asking for trouble.
I Survived Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 How do you know it's her? You may be getting all wound up about a picture of his mother. Ask him - why stress yourself out? If it is her, tell him that it bothers you and that you feel that holding on to the past is taking away from your relationship. If it's not her - have a good laugh at yourself.
clandestinidad Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I think she's probably confused/hurt that theres a picture of ANY female in his wallet b/c that female isnt HER!!! Ya'll wouldnt think that was strange??? Its not like he has others in there too, apparently In the wallet...that he carries w/ him every day....and opens quite a few times each day......the picture should be of HER, not some other woman
jmargel Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Just because he has a picture in his wallet of her doesn't mean that he is "yearning to still be with someone else". Look at some of the other threads on this board. You'll hear stories of deception, pornography, flirting, necglect, infidelity, and domestic violence. And you're getting jealous by a small picture in his wallet? It sounds to me like you have a good, happy marriage. Don't do anything to damage it. By snooping, you're just asking for trouble. Dude.. if your gf or wife was dating me before meeting you and still had a picture of me in her wallet would you care? I'm sure you would. For the OP if you can't talk to your husband about something like this then you have serious communication issues. I'm married and though I have a few pictures of my ex-fiancee who I was with before my wife those pictures are in a shoebox, tucked away in a closet. And yes my wife knows about it and she doesn't mind. However if I had pics of my ex in my wallet then I'm sure sparks would fly. IMO you only keep pics of people who are currently close to you in places such as your wallet. 1
Weye Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Dude.. if your gf or wife was dating me before meeting you and still had a picture of me in her wallet would you care? I'm sure you would. If my gf had a pic of her ex in her wallet it wouldn't bother me one bit. Its not something that would intimidate me. I don't understand how you can be so sure I would care , dude. And no, it wouldn't be a picture of you I have pictures of my last two gf in my wallet right now, my current gf knows about them, and doesn't have any problem whatsoever with that. Its not like I'm yearning to be with the exes again. My gf and I trust eachother. IMO you only keep pics of people who are currently close to you in places such as your wallet. If you hold this opinion, great. You have a right to it. Just don't expect the rest of the world to think like you. The world is full of people who keep pictures of their ex-lovers in their wallets. Its a perfectally normal thing to do. I just don't think its right to assume that by keeping a picture of an ex-lover in his wallet, OP's H is not fully emotionally comitted to OP. No two people are going to come into a relationship with the same set of standards in regards to small things like pictures. One cannot expect their partner to know how they feel about this subject. As you can see from the responses on this thread, people all have different opinions about the subject. Its something worth either getting angry or jealous about. Every couple is going to have a minor disagreement from time to time. Look at all of the relationships that are torn apart by lying, cheating, hostility, etc.. Now is a picture in a wallet really something to let sparks fly about? I don't think so.
jmargel Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Why would you keep pics of your past 2 ex's in your wallet? What purpose does that serve? Why not just have them in a box stashed away? IMO you are holding onto something whatever that maybe. I never said the world needs to think like me, in fact I look forward to people who challenge my own ways. Do you still have contact with these exs? Personally all the gfs I've had none of them did such a thing. It's not about being intimidated at all. It's about respect. Is it an ego boost to you that you had exs? I don't know, I'd like to see how you can rationalize this. Just to say 'They were a part of my life, etc..' is kinda lame as well. They are ex's, as in past. Chapter closed, time to move on. Will they be in your wallet forever? Or when will be the time to ditch those pics? Those girls must still mean something to you which is what I mean by disrespecting (again IMO) your current gf.
witabix Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Anyone got pictures of an old pet in their wallet, or that very first car, or house, I have a pic of my guitar on my phone, along with my gf, nephew etc. I wouldn't carry around pics of any of my exes, I don't have any pics of my exes, anywhere. They are exes, the past, why would I need reminding of what they looked like? Why would I expect my SO to be happy about it? Even if she didn't care I wouldn't carry or keep such reminders. We have to let our SO's choose to be how they want to be and to act how they want to act, to keep reminders if they want to. All you can do is decide how you feel about it, for yourself, and if it bothers you communicate your botheredness to your SO, and let them decide how they want to deal with it or not. If I were in kamebera's position i would be bothered, why? Because I don't attach any importance to these things when the person is gone from my life. They are gone for a reason. Holding on to them would give me the perception that there is still an on going importance, especially in the circumstances the OP has explained. In a box thats rarely looked at, thats cool, but out in the open, everyday reminder? That doesn't sound so cool to me.
Author kamebera Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 Wow - alot of differnt opinions - I'm going to take the middle ground here and take the picture out of the wallet tonight/tomorrow and take the consequences....
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