Sleeps w/Butterflies Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I have a question me and my ex broke up back in September. We were having some issues such as some disagreements. I did no contact for about 6 weeks and the whole time he was texting, emailing, driving past my house etc. I broke no contact because I had begun to feel better about the whole situation. Anyway we began seeing eachother again in early december and went out about 4 times. The last time we went out (thursday) he said that he needed time, that's why he broke it off. I (trying to be agreeable) said yes I know you needed time and some space, maybe I needed it too. I just didn't want to argue with him. He came by my place on sunday but I was not home and was trying to contact me all weekend. I never call him nor do I initiate contact with him. Finally he begins text messaging me yesturday morning, soon after he sends a long email stating that he can't forget what I said he said he never wanted space he needed time. I was so confused by this, he is constantly professing his love for me however during the 4 times we did hang out together he never brought up us getting back together yet he has not moved on to seeing other women. Now he basically said that he is so hurt that he was so dumb to see that I was the one all along that wanted the space he just needed the time. He is also using my NC stage against me stating that I needed space at that point. He also complains that I am so busy with my work (which I am) that I aviod him. I have my own company and it has taken off so he is also saying that he was in my way that is why my company was not doing good...but in all honesty he has nothing to do with my professional life which I told him but he still thinks he is the reason why I was at a low point. Also he never has a clear answer for me where I am standing with him (he is 26 and I'm 24) so this is why I don't bother with him much although I miss him terribly. I told him it was nice being just friends and he got upset stating that we are not "just friends" and that I am the woman he loves and wants to marry me(I'm not pushing for marriage). This guy has really got me confused. I told him in my opinion time can be constituted with space. Was I wrong? He says there is a difference, did he really expect after the break-up for me to sit there and be in limbo? I kind of consider yesturday's converstation between us really bad being that he didn't get a word of what I was calmly expressing, perhaps because he wallows in self-pity..
bluetuesday Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 sorry, i thought this was physics question. but i've read through your post and actually, it IS a physics question! the answer is that time and space are essentially two ways of looking at the same thing. i think what your boyfriend means is that he didn't want to be separated from you, he was just fed up of not getting much of your time. but clearly he keeps initiating contact and wants to see you, so him giving you space is an indication to me he wants more of your time, and probably always did. people sometimes initiate a break because they think what their partner is indicating to them is that that's what the partner wants. this sounds to me like what he's done. he needs time to get his head round the situation, but he didn't necessarily want to do it at a distance from you.
Author Sleeps w/Butterflies Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 Thank you so much for your reply. Except we were together like everyday. In terms of time he needed it for self reflection purposes I think this is what he emphasized. I don't think he wanted to see me more, we saw eachother enough. During the begining stages of the break-up I could not let go and kept on contacting him and he would push me away till I got smart and did NC. Thanks:(
J dub Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 In my experience, when a man says he wants time and space it means: let him call you ALWAYS (unless youre returning a call) Be hard to locate and contact Act aloof and mysterious (dont say specifics about what you are doing, be general about locations and always have something coming up that youre anticipating to do) Be fun and playful when theyre around Otherwise, act yourself but dont contact him...let him come to you. At least, in this circumstance you mentioned. If you hadnt been spending much time together to begin with, then my response would have been pretty different.
Author Sleeps w/Butterflies Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Thanks J Dub, your replies are always great. I have been behaving in this manner (that you mentioned) since contact has been restablished but he is feeling that I am being too distant and too busy. However I feel that this is the way someone is supposed if this is the person that broke up with them. He says he needed TIME that is why he broke off the relationship. Time for what I have no idea(perhaps because we were arguing alot). I gave him(and myself) time and space by doing NC. Now he is claiming that he didn't want space just time, he is upset by my nonchalant "take it or leave it atitude." He is saying he loves me etc yet he not professing the desire to rebuild our realtionship. He didn't want me to go away as I did upon doing NC yet what else could I do. Now that communication lines are open again and I still don't know where to stand so I pull away and take everything in stride and this upsets him. I can't have casual relationships with men its either you are in or you are out, either we are working towards something or you are just a friend and just that. This I have explained to him but he gets upset saying he is not just "my friend" yet he is not my boyfriend either. Am I wasting my time by giving him time?
J dub Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 >I have been behaving in this manner (that you mentioned) since contact has been restablished but he is feeling that I am being too distant and too busy. Thats common, esp because you are acting in a manner that you normally wouldnt do. So naturally it feels...unnatural. >However I feel that this is the way someone is supposed if this is the person that broke up with them. Absolutely. >Time for what I have no idea(perhaps because we were arguing alot). yeah who knows, all I know is this past summer I have come to really hate the "I need time/space" crap. What a load >Now he is claiming that he didn't want space just time, he is upset by my nonchalant "take it or leave it atitude." Ok, excuse my bluntness here but what the hell would be the suggested alternative then? I cant think of one thing, besides FWB, that could fit into this category! >He is saying he loves me etc yet he not professing the desire to rebuild our realtionship. Then all you can do is back away for right now. Being too clingy or persuasive in any manner will just push him further. For example: Remember when you were little and you got mad at mom/dad, you'd say, "I'm gonna run away!" well, my father used to say to that, "Ok, great! I'll help you pack your bags!" And I was like, ":confused: wait, thats not whats supposed to happen here" see if you resist, it tempts them more to continue to leave. If you have more of a "dont let the door hit you in the a$$" attitude, its less expected and well, at least you dont look like a fool (or feel like one for that matter). Sounds to me like he is confused and doesnt know What he wants. >He didn't want me to go away as I did upon doing NC yet what else could I do. You did the right thing. >Now that communication lines are open again and I still don't know where to stand so I pull away and take everything in stride and this upsets him. Seriously, I would love to know wht it is this man would like you to do here. Sit around and wait? What a joke! Tell him youve got better things to do than sit around twirling your hair while he decides whats good for him. Explain that you love him, and want to continue to love him in a romantic manner (only in relationship status tho), otherwise you deserve to be let go. He cant keep you in ties like this, if he truly loved you he'd let you free. Perhaps hes being selfish but doesnt even realize it... >I can't have casual relationships with men its either you are in or you are out, either we are working towards something or you are just a friend and just that. I know, me too! >This I have explained to him but he gets upset saying he is not just "my friend" yet he is not my boyfriend either. He's apparently just scared of commitment. Thats my only guess, its the label and the sure-ness of his future if there's a stamp on your status. Otherwise, I just dont know what else it could be >Am I wasting my time by giving him time? I think you may be, however only you know for sure. My suggestion is, if you have to ask....well, then you probably are. That doesnt necessarily mean youre giving up, it just means youre too mature for the games any longer. Nothin wrong with that
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Yeah dude, he wants "time, but not space" -- translation, I don't want to be committed, but I also don't want you to date anyone else, I want you to be available to me whenever I want, but I don't want to put a label on it.
Author Sleeps w/Butterflies Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Thank you very much. I shall then: >Explain that you love him, and want to continue to love him in a romantic manner (only in relationship status tho), otherwise you deserve to be let go. He cant keep you in ties like this, if he truly loved you he'd let you free. Perhaps hes being selfish but doesnt even realize it... I'll give it one last try, then on I go. I think the space and distance part I have gotten pretty good at so I'll have no porblem if I don't receive the answer I'm looking for. He is blaming me as being the one needing space away. Why should I let myself become something that I don't believe in that being a FWB. His head is also not all there because he has a bad accident, fell off his motarcycle (no helmet) and nearly died last January. He suffered a bad brain injury, had to go into rehab to learn how to walk, use his hands etc. it was bad yet I was there for him (out of love), taking care of him, changing his diapers, feeding him and doing all that motherly stuff he could do nothing at all for himself. The guy has no family so it was pretty sad. Anyway that being said again I will not be a FWB. I deserve more respect. Thanks guys.
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