My boyfriend is going on holiday with his female gay friend. I was never invited to their holiday.

[monika-n2013]

Hi guys.

I’m 29 and my boyfriend (31) of nearly a year is going away for a holiday with his lesbian friend. They’ve been friends for a few years, but the holiday was booked when me and him were officially in a relationship. I feel uneasy about the situation. She doesn’t give me the time of her day. And funny enough they had a third person booked for the trip, the girl changed her mind and they never offered me her place. Am I right to feel uneasy... I feel disrespected and left out. 
I booked my own holiday and going on a solo trip to Turkey on the same day. And need to seriously think is my relationship worth the feeling like I’m the second best…

[Acacia98]

If I were in your shoes, knowing that I'm not a routinely jealous or controlling person, I'd take the time to try and figure out what exactly I was uneasy about and whether this situation was reflective of a larger issue in the relationship.

I'd think long and hard about the situation and, if I felt that it pointed to an incompatibility between me and my boyfriend, I would end the relationship.

You know what? It's entirely possible that what he's doing is not objectively wrong. But if it really bugs me and if there are indications that it's going to happen again and again, then I would prefer to let him go, and I will eventually look for somebody whose dealings with his friends and others do not leave me feeling uneasy or like I am second best.

Edited September 7, 2024 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, monika-n2013 said:

She doesn’t give me the time of her day.

Hmm. So you have obviously met this woman and you two did not gel? 

1 hour ago, monika-n2013 said:

I feel disrespected and left out. 

I am going to assume you have also told you boyfriend this. What was his response? 

[monika-n2013]

Thank you for your reply guys. Yes I have nothing in common with that blade. I’ve been bending over backwards trying to be friendly and she literally just gives me short sharp answers. Very mean girls club vibes. I work in healthcare and I feel I had better conversations with my patients/ their relatives in the past.

I told my boyfriend about how I feel and his response was “do you have to be invited to every holiday”. It’s worrying that he doesn’t see a problem. I feel disrespected… he’s on thin ice

[monika-n2013]

Acacia98 you’re right. He’s 31 I told him he’s never gonna change these behaviours of putting his friends first will be just repeating. And I’m too old to be training a man on how to treat his woman

[Gebidozo]

OP, there seem to be two entirely unrelated problems here. 

1) Is it normal for a guy to have a lesbian friend and go on a vacation with her and without you? Yes, it is. I think you should take some time to deal with jealousy and control issues.

2) Was it rude of your BF to say “Do you have to be invited to every holiday”? Yes, it was an insensitive thing to say.

It looks like both of you have problems communicating with each other and there are some compatibility issues.

[Gaeta]

What is the context here. Do they take a holiday together each year? Do they have a common hobby and it's related to this trip? Where will they be staying? Do you and him have other plans for a holiday together?

[basil67]

Are you otherwise happy and content in the relationship?   Do you feel loved?   

Would you be OK with him going away for a boys trip?  What does he say about her being cold towards you?

Edited September 7, 2024 by basil67

[monika-n2013]

They literally met last year… planned the trip during the night out at which I was at. Two other girls were invited during the conversation, but I wasn’t. Now the two other girls aren’t going so it’s only him and his female friend. I don’t think it’s normal to not wanting to include your other half in your only hot holiday that year. 
I’ve been trying to plan a trip with him to meet my family and he’s been acting interested but actually made zero effort to book anything with me… yet when it’s about his mates he’s up for anything 

you’re right I am a jealous person and I told him that at the very beginning. He gives me ZERO reassurance and acts like there’s nothing wrong 

Edited September 7, 2024 by monika-n2013
Error

[monika-n2013]

I wouldn’t mind if he would be going away with the lads. I think it’s be completely different situation. It’s the same if I’d be going away for a girly trip. But if I’d be going away with my gay mate I’d even offer it to my BF

[monika-n2013]

Gaeta, they’re just going to be drinking and partying for 5 days. She explicitly clarified she’s no interests in doing activities like water sports, sightseeing etc. I feel like I’m not good enough and fun enough for him (and her). They plan nights out every other week and don’t include me and now the holiday. It’s really getting on my nerves. I’ve been feeling like this for a while now and it’s not who am!

[Gaeta]

If your relationship with him was fulfilling you would be ok with an outing twice a month and a random trip with friends but l have a feeling all that aside he's not a particularly kind boyfriend?  The tone and way he speaks to you is far from loving and patient. 

If l were a 29 yo woman, to me,  this man would not be boyfriend material.  5 say trip to get wasted? That's for 23 years old. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, monika-n2013 said:

They literally met last year

They did? Beause you also said this:
 

4 hours ago, monika-n2013 said:

They’ve been friends for a few years

Which is it? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, monika-n2013 said:

I’ve been trying to plan a trip with him to meet my family and he’s been acting interested but actually made zero effort to book anything with me…

 

1 hour ago, monika-n2013 said:

They plan nights out every other week and don’t include me

Okay, so there is indeed more to this than just this specific holiday. 

You don't feel very valued in the relationship, You feel he prioritizes his friends over you. You seem to feel he doesn't take you (or the relationship) as seriously as you do. You might be totally right about this, but it's probably time to re-evaluate if you even want to continue this. It doesn't seem that he is the right man for you. 

[monika-n2013]

ExpatInItaly thank you for your replies. They’ve known each other just over a year, they met in 2022, it’s not a lifelong friendship. I feel he should put his partner above his mates. But his actions genuinely just show that he doesn’t have an interest. We’ve had multiple conversations and he promised he’d change. Sadly actions show otherwise

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, monika-n2013 said:

you’re right I am a jealous person and I told him that at the very beginning. He gives me ZERO reassurance and acts like there’s nothing wrong 

But there is nothing wrong. He hasn’t cheated on you, has he? He’s not obliged to give you reassurances just because you have problems with jealousy. Going on a trip with a friend is completely normal. Especially a friend who can’t have any sexual interest in him.

The real problem is that he has been prioritizing his friends at your expense, neglecting you, talking rudely to you, and refusing to change. These problems have nothing to do with jealousy. You guys just don’t seem to be compatible.

[smackie9]

Enough talk....if it were me I would dump him. This dynamic is not for you. You can't change it, so the only way to deal with this is to get out of this relationship. Period.

Edited September 7, 2024 by smackie9

[MsJayne]

10 hours ago, monika-n2013 said:

I told my boyfriend about how I feel and his response was “do you have to be invited to every holiday”.

This response tells you a huge amount about this guy. He's an a*****e. He's devaluing you and undermining your relationship, letting you know that you're not important to him. While he's whooping it up with Miss Lesbian on a trip you've been rudely excluded from, you'll be sight-seeing alone in Turkey. What's right about that scenario? The mere fact that this woman makes it clear she doesn't like you would be enough to make him cool their friendship if you actually meant anything to him.  As far as her not being friendly towards you, I'd be suspicious of that because it smacks of jealousy. Don't be surprised if she suddenly finds her inner heterosexual while she's all drunk and sweaty on the holiday dance floor with your man. I say dump him and cut your losses because this behaviour is only the beginning of the devaluation process. While you're in Turkey make sure to have a wild fling with one of those hot Turkish men

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, monika-n2013 said:

We’ve had multiple conversations and he promised he’d change. Sadly actions show otherwise

Let this be your cue that you two are not a match. 

Your views on this matter are too different. 

[monika-n2013]

Thank you for your reply guys. MsJayne you’re right I just need to rip the band aid off and get on with life, go back to my happy wee self. Guys thank you so much for your advice. It’s day 1 in Turkey and I already had 2 gorgeous men asking for my number. Gonna take this time and process everything but I know what needs to be done. In the meantime the a**h*** posted a video from a rooftop bar in SHORTS I BOUGHT HIM. He’s going into the bin with them shorts

[Leihla_B]

There's no law that says we must love all our partner's friends and they must love us, but if my partner routinely spent time with someone who obviously dislikes me and excludes me, I'd consider them to be actively working to undermine my relationship with my partner. If he dismissed my concerns about that, it would tell me all I'd need to know. He can keep her, and when he returns from his trip, I'd already be gone.

Edited September 9, 2024 by Leihla_B

[bpb2017]

On 9/7/2024 at 11:36 AM, monika-n2013 said:

you’re right I am a jealous person and I told him that at the very beginning. He gives me ZERO reassurance and acts like there’s nothing wrong 

Moderate jealousy is functional, and anyone would be quite hurt if they were in your shoes, based on what you said.

I can tell you that almost all guys would never do something like this unless we're not that interested. If the genders were reversed, would you go on a holiday with a gay friend, without your bf (of nearly a year), even when there was a spare 3rd booking?

You were smart in not trying to shove your way in, because then you would be a third wheel. I'm not even sure if there is any point in bringing it up.

Also, is this lesbian friend physically attractive?

btw best time to visit Istanbul is this time of year. Have a great time, share pics, ask why he wasn't with you, and call the relationship a day.

Edited September 11, 2024 by bpb2017

[monika-n2013]

Thank you for all your replies guys!

update: I broke up with the guy.
 

Once again last weekend I had dealings with the lesbian girl. I was invited to a night out with my man and his friends, I was getting excited about it. He knew I was getting ready. An hour before the party he texts me saying the gay girl is on her way to collect us. I’m like excuse me what? I said to him maybe you and her have a wee night out together then. He then replied saying “sure babe if you don’t want to go that’s ok. Sure have a cosy night watch Netflix and relax” meanwhile I’m sitting there with my face full of make up and hair all done… he chose to exclude me once again and chose the lesbian girl they partied all night and had the cheek to inform me they went to an after party.

safe to say I’m finally done

[Gebidozo]

52 minutes ago, monika-n2013 said:

Thank you for all your replies guys!

update: I broke up with the guy.
 

Once again last weekend I had dealings with the lesbian girl. I was invited to a night out with my man and his friends, I was getting excited about it. He knew I was getting ready. An hour before the party he texts me saying the gay girl is on her way to collect us. I’m like excuse me what? I said to him maybe you and her have a wee night out together then. He then replied saying “sure babe if you don’t want to go that’s ok. Sure have a cosy night watch Netflix and relax” meanwhile I’m sitting there with my face full of make up and hair all done… he chose to exclude me once again and chose the lesbian girl they partied all night and had the cheek to inform me they went to an after party.

safe to say I’m finally done

Hmm.

Of course, breaking up with him is your prerogative. You are free to break up with him for a reason or for no reason. But, for what it’s worth, my opinion is that he did nothing wrong here.

Frankly, I wouldn’t be pleased if my partner displayed such jealousy of a lesbian friend of mine. Also, you literally suggested to him to party with her, and he agreed. You were going to a party with him and his friends. That lesbian girl is his friend. He didn’t do anything our of the blue, did he? What could he do in response to your jealous outburst? Cancel his plans? Go with you alone? Stay at home?

[monika-n2013]

54 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Hmm.

Of course, breaking up with him is your prerogative. You are free to break up with him for a reason or for no reason. But, for what it’s worth, my opinion is that he did nothing wrong here.

Frankly, I wouldn’t be pleased if my partner displayed such jealousy of a lesbian friend of mine. Also, you literally suggested to him to party with her, and he agreed. You were going to a party with him and his friends. That lesbian girl is his friend. He didn’t do anything our of the blue, did he? What could he do in response to your jealous outburst? Cancel his plans? Go with you alone? Stay at home?

He’s been on holiday with this girl and had multiple nights out. He hasn’t planned a single outing with me. Is that how you treat your girlfriend? Don’t think so…