MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 It’s coming up to one year since I separated. In the last year I have had two relationships which I thought would be long term, a couple of casual dates, and a few that just weren’t right for me which I ended after a few dates. My pattern in the past seemed to be that I would try to move things to the next level, and without going into full-blown relationship mode, I would try to push things, just a little, and still try play it cool. A simple question like when I’ll see him next and he would accuse me of being demanding of his time. I would get upset or frustrated, and in order to avoid the communication problems I had in my marriage, I would tell him how I feel and try to find out what’s going on, and what he’s thinking, instead of making assumptions and getting all crazy. Realizing that didn’t work, went back to keeping it in and over-analyzing things….and getting all crazy again. I’m currently in a sex-only relationship. I thought I could do it, and keep my emotions and my heart out of it. Something happened, something changed and I’m again over analyzing trying to figure out why I am so nuts. We had sex in Oct on our first meeting (met online). I dated others, and had casual sex, and I met up with him again. Told him I was dating others and told him I’d had sex. He got upset because he thought that if I just wanted sex, I’d call him up. So we got past that, I ended the other fling, and felt secure that we had an exlcusive sexual relationship (friendship as well). Christmas day we spent a few hrs together in the afternoon (had sex). I asked him about New Years, and he said he would probably spend it alone and needed time to think about 2005 (his gf of 15 yrs ended their relationship in 2005). He said something about trying to move on, so I asked…do you mean to forget your past…move on from your ex…and he said yes. But I couldn’t help wondering, did he mean he wants to try and forget his ex, and free himself to date me more seriously? Or…did he mean to move on….from me as well. Then I got crazy thinking he was ignoring me, because I’d see him on MSN, and wait and wait and finally I’d be the one to initiate the hello. Then, on NY eve around 5pm I saw him in the video chat room where we met. He again, didn’t say hello to me until I did. He said he was getting ready to go out. I was fine with that, but because I was alone for the eve, I got very upset and when he said Happy New Year, I said “whatever” and then he said “whatever…good” and he left. I got a last minute invite and spent the eve with a friend….the one who said I am demanding (but really, only a friend now), and nothing happened. The next day saw him online again, checked out his profile and noticed he updated it and now says he is looking for a “friend with benefits”. Well who the heck am I??? What am I to him if not his FWB? So I updated mine saying I was looking for love and that rebounds and FWB relationships do not work, someone gets hurt …etc etc. He read that, and he said to me that it was a shot at him. I removed it, and said to him….why are u looking for a FWB if you have me? He was off line by then, and so I sent a lengthy email explaining my analysis and what I was feeling and said that I needed more out of a relationship than just sex, and not sure if that will work between us, but asked him what he thought of it. And now he probably thinks I’m nuts. Why Why Why do I do this to myself???
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 I know my post is long, but what should my next step be? I noticed that he looked at my profile this morning, and would have seen that I changed it back. Am I making too much of this?
itwontdawnsooner Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 sounds like youre making too much of it, yes. you are there for one thing only, and thats how he sees you. FWBs is often times, not always, but often, to "fill" time - and as a rebound method without commitment, since chances are (especially after such a long term relationship), he's not ready for that. so if he's still looking, reflecting, and posted it on his page, then he's not looking at you so much. your emotions are getting involved, and that wont change - and the more you see him the stronger they'll get. you have to decide if you want to risk it for a chance (which from what you've written, which isnt the whole story of course, doesnt seem very strong), or cut your loses and get out before youre even more emotionally attached. if he wants FWB, you want more, that's when FWB needs to stop. right?
Lishy Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I did the same as you! I thought I could handle a FWB but I got feelings for him - I held it in and acted nonchalont with him as how could i tell him how I felt when we were just FWB's? In the end I HAD to tell him (it was killing me) He said he did not want a realtionship and I have not contacted him. He is now driving past my house all the time but I still wont contact him! You have told him MWC, now just sit back and wait to see if he replies Keep us updated and I wish you better luck then I had! Ps... How old is he and you?
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 - and the more you see him the stronger they'll get right? Right! And thanks Lishy. I read your posts too...stay away from that window! I am 40 and he is 45. He has no kids, never married, but a 15yr relationship (lived together). I was married 13 yrs...together 15. I have alot more to learn about this man if I want more, if he wants more, we haven't taken much time between bangings to really get to know each other But I told him my concerns such as neither of us being 'ready' and the fact that I live 45 min away, and his car can't make it out to where I live...(don't ask!)...we are very different I think. I enjoyed my time with him, our conversations (I was having trouble with an ex when I met him), and would like to remain friends with him....but that may not be a good idea either. I know it has to end. I just don't want to freak him out and end up with my last impression of him being an a-hole and his last impression of me being nuts....maybe too late for that last one I need to stay off the computer for a while...at home...that is the only way...well, except for LS but only during the day.
Lishy Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 He wont think you are nuts - He may not want more with you, or he may jump at it - Give him time to think about it and stop fretting! It's easier said than done hon I am 7 months down the line and it is still on my mind (although it's getting less by the day) Be strong and dont contact him again or he may think u r nuts lol - It's HIS call now hon! It's hard to be patient but you have no choice.
Lishy Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I must say he sounds kinda immature for a guy of his age. I get a feeling he is just out to shag pretty girls after coming out of a long relationship - He also sounds as if he has lost his dating skills! Do you want a guy so flakey? I KNOW I dont!
justagirliegirl Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I think it is a big ol red flag that he was in a 15 year live in relationship and she ended it. Why didn't he ever marry her? Sounds like the guy is a chronic tire kicker and you'd be better off sticking to the FWB and nothing more.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 We talked alot about his previous relationship. I believe most of what he said, but I know I don't have the whole story...and hey, I have a past too let's not forget. Well, I do have to be patient...that is big for me. I have none but I can laugh at myself. See? Even I think I'm nuts. Thanks...my day gets better all the time.
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