Genital herpes

[despairingbuttrying]

For those of you who are or have dated people with genital herpes (simplex hsv2), how have you dealt with it? 

I was told and it has broke my heart 💔 I'm still shock because I went through this exact same situation almost 10 years ago with a different woman who had it as well. We continued to date but never had sex and things ended for different reasons but perhaps then I wasn't thinking long term. 

I am thinking about this with marriage in mind so my question is how does this affect intercourse? 

I've heard that the infected person can still spread it even when symptoms aren't present? Does the transmission risk decrease over time? So during unprotected sex, trying for a baby or otherwise what are the chances? I guess it's hard to say. I suppose if I continue to be with this person and eventually be intimate with them, then I will have to accept that I may end up contracting it myself. 

I'm so torn I really like this woman but I'm not sure I can be fully at peace with her having this because I think I will always worry. 

Edited September 1 by despairingbuttrying

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

For those of you who are or have dated people with genital herpes (simplex hsv2), how have you dealt with it? 

I was told and it has broke my heart 💔 I'm still shock because I went through this exact same situation almost 10 years ago with a different woman who had it as well. We continued to date but never had sex and things ended for different reasons but perhaps then I wasn't thinking long term. 

I am thinking about this with marriage in mind so my question is how does this affect intercourse? 

I've heard that the infected person can still spread it even when symptoms aren't present? Does the transmission risk decrease over time? So during unprotected sex, trying for a baby or otherwise what are the chances? I guess it's hard to say. I suppose if I continue to be with this person and eventually be intimate with them, then I will have to accept that I may end up contracting it myself. 

I'm so torn I really like this woman but I'm not sure I can be fully at peace with her having this because I think I will always worry. 

Questions like this are best answered by a healthcare worker or a qualified physcian.

[Gaeta]

I have been an hsv2 carrier for 12 years. I take my valtrex daily. My bf and l have sex like normal people with no restrictions. 

After a year dating, my bf wanted us to stop using condoms. We both got tested for the usual sti. There was nothing else but my hsv2. We stopped using condoms and a year later my bf is still negative. 

My bf treats people with deadly diseases. When you see people dying every week then hsv2 is nothing. He told me he doesn't care if he gets it because he loves me entirely. 

If you don't think you can love her that way then let her go, and let her find a man that will. I had boyfriends before and they all accepted me fully. She will find someone.

You're not a bad person for being scared. She's just not the one for you.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I'm so torn I really like this woman

Ask her these questions

1. How long she had it 2. Does she have outbreaks often 3. Is she on antivirals.

You cannot go read online because hsv2 is different for everybody. I never had an outbreak, some women have them every month. If you really like her go visit your physician or go to hers with her.

There is no one-answer-fits-all, hsv2 is different from one woman to another.

[despairingbuttrying]

43 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have been an hsv2 carrier for 12 years. I take my valtrex daily. My bf and l have sex like normal people with no restrictions. 

After a year dating, my bf wanted us to stop using condoms. We both got tested for the usual sti. There was nothing else but my hsv2. We stopped using condoms and a year later my bf is still negative. 

My bf treats people with deadly diseases. When you see people dying every week then hsv2 is nothing. He told me he doesn't care if he gets it because he loves me entirely. 

If you don't think you can love her that way then let her go, and let her find a man that will. I had boyfriends before and they all accepted me fully. She will find someone.

You're not a bad person for being scared. She's just not the one for you.

Thank you for the response and appreciate you being open here. You're right every woman is different of course but it's good to know that in your situation, you both had unprotected sex and your bf is still negative. I think this what bothers me - they say that you can still transmit even when you don't have an outbreak? I would want to have unprotected sex but only within marriage anyway (as we're both Christians). 

She's had it I think for the same time as yourself (12 years) and had some outbreaks but none for a long time. She was taking anti virals for a while but not anymore. She says she knows if she'll have an outbreak but as I said you can still transmit when you're asymptomatic...

Also I hear the probability of an infected woman passing it into a man is less likely compared to the other way round? 

What complicates this situation even further is I'm a virgin technically speaking, in that I've experienced sexual activity but not had penetrative intercourse. So my if my first time is going to be with her, it'll be even more stressful I feel. 

I'm really sad and disappointed and feel so annoyed at the same time. Not with her, but just how this has happened to me again. Last time was 2015 when I was dating a girl for a few months and she had herpes too. I found it difficult back then but gave it a shot and we broke things off for different reasons. I just never imagined I'd have to deal with it again. 

I have waited all these years and all this time to meet someone. I have dated extensively for so long but every time I find something isn't there, either the attraction, chemistry, compatibility etc. I thought I'd be happily married by my early 30s and now a decade later I'm still in the same place, experiencing one disappointment after another. It's always so close, yet so far. Then finally this girl turns up and I genuinely think this is going to work. 

I'm so sad 😔 

[Gaeta]

1 woman out of 4 carries this virus. Those are the ones we know. There are thousands of carriers who don't know they have it and those are the ones spreading it around. 

Am l understanding you are 40 years old?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I'm really sad and disappointed and feel so annoyed at the same time. Not with her, but just how this has happened to me again. Last time was 2015 when I was dating a girl for a few months and she had herpes too. I found it difficult back then but gave it a shot and we broke things off for different reasons. I just never imagined I'd have to deal with it again. 

Seriously dude...you're sounding like someone has done this to you deliberately.  

If you really like her, then go with her to her doctor or STI clinic and learn about risk management.  And as you are Christians, it's not like you'll be dating others after you marry her.

[despairingbuttrying]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Seriously dude...you're sounding like someone has done this to you deliberately.  

If you really like her, then go with her to her doctor or STI clinic and learn about risk management.  And as you are Christians, it's not like you'll be dating others after you marry her.

It does feel that way.  I know obviously no-one is but I am almost 41 now and I have dated so much over the years and it feels like it's just been series of setbacks.  I'm exhausted.  I know I'm not the only one but I honestly this girl could have been it, she was so ideal in so many ways - feminine, great wife qualities, strong spark, chemistry, attraction, felt so comfortable around each other and could talk for hours. That's not easy to find which is why this is a terrible, painful situation to be in. 

I will try to speak to a doctor and at some point ask her more directly about her outbreaks and what the risk of me contracting it would be.  

[despairingbuttrying]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

1 woman out of 4 carries this virus. Those are the ones we know. There are thousands of carriers who don't know they have it and those are the ones spreading it around. 

Am l understanding you are 40 years old?

Yes am 41 soon.  I realise this, yes there are almost 500 million people apparently that do have this virus worldwide (genital herpes) which is a huge stat and as you mentioned those are just the ones that have been officially diagnosed.  Many more may have it and not know.  So I do think it is unfairly stigmatised.  

You're right as you said before, I think for each woman it is different.  The girl before I mentioned, 9 years ago said she had one outbreak and never had one ever again.  With this girl I think she said she has had a few since contracting it but has not had now for years but that of course is no guarantee she could easily have another at any point in her life again.  She says she'll know when she has one but then even when she doesn't, you can still transmit asymptotically.  

I'm just so torn as to what to do.  I'm thinking maybe the shock will wear off and I can accept this and move on from it because short term it's fine.  Sex won't happen until marriage anyway if we get that far but I have to think long term and what the consequences of marrying would be from a sexual standpoint. 

[BaileyB]

Personally, I would go with her to the do tor’s appointment and I would ask that she go back on the antivirals before you have sex. 

This complicates things, no doubt. But, it is not something that can’t be overcome if you are interested in a relationship with the woman. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

but I have to think long term and what the consequences of marrying would be from a sexual standpoint

What does that mean?

You marry, you spend the rest of your life together so you have sex as you wish. 

Don't *try* to go to the doctor, just go! You're not gonna catch it cause you go talk to a doctor. 

I hope you don't tell her you're sad and torn. She's the one having to live with the stigma and she has to deal with this each time she meets someone. She doesn't need to console you on top of that.

[Lotsgoingon]

I know people who have herpes. 

Depends on how much you like this woman.

If I were you and I really liked this person, I would first have to get totally informed about the condition. Which in your case means yes, going to the doctor with her AND scheduling your own appointment with a specialist who knows herpes really well. And google and read your butt off to get informed. You do want to go to at least one good appointment by yourself.

I had a partner who had a different condition, and I went to a great provider and asked all the blunt questions. 

You might also consider going to a sex therapist for a consultation. A good sex therapist will have extensive knowledge not only of the data about transmission and so on, but also great insight into the emotional side of being in a relationship with someone with herpes.  A good consultation with a sex therapist could be extremely helpful. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

46 minutes ago, semble said:

No matter what there's always going to be a risk.

Absolutely. There will always be a risk. 

Nobody said there is no risk even with people who never had outbreaks. Like l told OP if he is not ready to take that risk with this woman then he should not date her and let her find someone that will love her entirely. 

[Els]

On 9/2/2024 at 3:45 AM, despairingbuttrying said:

I am thinking about this with marriage in mind so my question is how does this affect intercourse? 

I've heard that the infected person can still spread it even when symptoms aren't present? Does the transmission risk decrease over time? So during unprotected sex, trying for a baby or otherwise what are the chances?

You should talk to your doctor about these concerns. But if your worry is really just about trying to conceive and you don't mind having protected sex otherwise, there's no need to worry. You can just use intrauterine insemination to conceive, which is a very straightforward procedure where the doctor inserts your sperm into her uterus. It doesn't involve the woman having to take hormones or embryo creation like IVF does. So you don't need to have unprotected intercourse ever if you don't want to, even if you're trying to conceive.

Aside from that, I think you're jumping the gun a bit. You say you don't want to have unprotected sex before marriage anyway, so just date her, maybe have protected sex, and see how it goes? Things might work out or they might not, for all sorts of reasons. There's no point trying to figure everything out so early in the process. Especially if you are 40+ and have never had intercourse or a serious relationship (if I understand your post correctly), I don't think you lose anything by going ahead and seeing if this will develop into the marriage that you want. It's only a relatively minor issue in the context of marriage, anyway. If it was something casual then the risk/benefits ratio would be worse, but you said you don't do casual sex, so...

Edited September 2 by Els

[despairingbuttrying]

3 hours ago, Els said:

You should talk to your doctor about these concerns. But if your worry is really just about trying to conceive and you don't mind having protected sex otherwise, there's no need to worry. You can just use intrauterine insemination to conceive, which is a very straightforward procedure where the doctor inserts your sperm into her uterus. It doesn't involve the woman having to take hormones or embryo creation like IVF does. So you don't need to have unprotected intercourse ever if you don't want to, even if you're trying to conceive.

Aside from that, I think you're jumping the gun a bit. You say you don't want to have unprotected sex before marriage anyway, so just date her, maybe have protected sex, and see how it goes? Things might work out or they might not, for all sorts of reasons. There's no point trying to figure everything out so early in the process. Especially if you are 40+ and have never had intercourse or a serious relationship (if I understand your post correctly), I don't think you lose anything by going ahead and seeing if this will develop into the marriage that you want. It's only a relatively minor issue in the context of marriage, anyway. If it was something casual then the risk/benefits ratio would be worse, but you said you don't do casual sex, so...

Thanks for the reply.  Yes that's right - not had full intercourse but I have had a few relationships (a year or so for each) when I was younger but nothing serious for a very long time now.  I thought this one might be the one, finally.  

We're only just starting to fall for each other I think.  We haven't even said we love each other or anything like that as it's only been a couple of months but it's been a lovely 2 months of fun dates, pleasant conversations and a genuine spark both physically and emotionally.  I want this to continue, ,so as you say I could just keep this going. This is why I feel so torn up by this dilemma. That said, I feel though I may have already checked out as I noticed my texts to her tonight was lacking that usual buzz and affection and she may pick up on this I'm sure. 

I really want this to work but I fear that this issue is just too bothersome for me.  I don't want to force myself to say nice things to her like I have been doing etc. Since she told me, last few nights I keep waking up in shock because I can barely believe she actually has this because, like you said this is definitely not who she is now and it feels so unfair to punish her for that by letting go.   

[IrinaM]

Hopefully I'll have time to write a longer reply later.

What I understand you to be saying is that you feel you stand a lot to gain from continuing a relationship with this woman. You're very fond of her and feel she would make a good wife, which is something you have been looking for for a long time.

Now you have been dealt a wild card. There will also be some level of potential risk, or maybe cost,  to continuing the relationship, and you're not even sure the level of risk or potential cost. So stay calm and continue to collect information so you can measure likelihoods. Is it likely you will catch this virus, or unlikely? If you do catch it, what will be the result? Would it likely result in frequent and painful outbreaks, or is it more likely to result in one or two manageable outbreaks? These are legitimate questions. If I knew that sex with a man I just kinda like would be 95% likely to give me continuous lifelong painful outbreaks, yeah no thanks. But if it were a potential husband, and the risk of contracting virus was only 3%, and the likely result of infection would be easily manageable, different story. So there's a lot to think about. Try and stay calm while you go through the process of collecting information and running scenarios. You want to make a wise choice so you can have the best future, and come from an informed rational standpoint, not a place of fear and confusion. Good luck:)

[IrinaM]

15 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

Since she told me, last few nights I keep waking up in shock because I can barely believe she actually has this because, like you said this is definitely not who she is now and it feels so unfair to punish her for that by letting go. 

fwiw I don't think you sound like you're angry or punishing her, more that you're confused and worried about what this means.

Maybe consider tabling any decisions for a period of time--two weeks maybe? Try writing down all the questions you have in one place.

A long time ago I made a counseling appointment at a planned parenthood. It costs $25. I was able to ask an RN all kinds of questions regarding a situation I was dealing with. It's way better than frantic googling lol. Idk if they still have similar services, but they might, or another similar type of clinic might.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I know I'm not the only one but I honestly this girl could have been it, she was so ideal in so many ways - feminine, great wife qualities, strong spark, chemistry, attraction, felt so comfortable around each other and could talk for hours.

Do you realise that you're already talking about her in past tense?  This suggests to me that you've already made your decision.  

Quite sad to hear you're checking out from a lovely woman when there are ways to manage this.  And even if the worst happened and you caught it, it's hardly a death sentence.  I know it's a shock, but your mindset is like it's the 80's and you just found out she has HIV/AIDS

[Gaeta]

Please do not ghost her. Give her the courtesy of a clean breakup. 

She is an honest woman who informed you early. She could have waited for you to be completely smitten with her to tell you or she could have hidden this from you like 60% of positives do, but she didn't. 

You are 41 yo, you never experienced intimicy, you will not suddenly grow to be comfortable with this.  In 10 years you may meet another woman like her with again hsv2 and you'll be ok with it. For now you are not.

My last point, you need to de-dramatize this,  it's 2 months dating, you will get over it. If she is as fantastic as you say she'll find someone else and life will go on.  

[Lotsgoingon]

I might have missed this info--can't find it as I read through again. 

How long have you guys been dating? 

[despairingbuttrying]

11 hours ago, IrinaM said:

Hopefully I'll have time to write a longer reply later.

What I understand you to be saying is that you feel you stand a lot to gain from continuing a relationship with this woman. You're very fond of her and feel she would make a good wife, which is something you have been looking for for a long time.

Now you have been dealt a wild card. There will also be some level of potential risk, or maybe cost,  to continuing the relationship, and you're not even sure the level of risk or potential cost. So stay calm and continue to collect information so you can measure likelihoods. Is it likely you will catch this virus, or unlikely? If you do catch it, what will be the result? Would it likely result in frequent and painful outbreaks, or is it more likely to result in one or two manageable outbreaks? These are legitimate questions. If I knew that sex with a man I just kinda like would be 95% likely to give me continuous lifelong painful outbreaks, yeah no thanks. But if it were a potential husband, and the risk of contracting virus was only 3%, and the likely result of infection would be easily manageable, different story. So there's a lot to think about. Try and stay calm while you go through the process of collecting information and running scenarios. You want to make a wise choice so you can have the best future, and come from an informed rational standpoint, not a place of fear and confusion. Good luck:)

Thanks Irina for the response.  Yes exactly you've understood where I'm coming from - everything was going well despite the distance, I was falling for her, I see her as wife material and then suddenly a massive potential deal breaker.  I've been there before as I'm sure many others have, where when you find out something that serious about someone's past it can be really unsettling and the natural reaction is to make a snap decision based on that anxiety and fear.  But also it's as if my view of her is now in two parts, the person she was before she was a Christian and the person she is today which is the one I have got to know over the last couple of months.  I think that's what I'm having trouble getting my head around.  So there is an emotional challenge as well as the obvious physical anxiety of potentially contracting the virus. 

I have been praying and taking some time to process this as I was only told on Saturday, 72 hours ago pretty much so that it is still quite raw.  As you said, I need to get more information on her own journey with this and make a decision based on wisdom rather than in this unsettled mindset.  

[Els]

12 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I really want this to work but I fear that this issue is just too bothersome for me.

Personally I really don't understand this. If I was in your position I would 100% be going forward and seeing where it leads. You have been single for more than 20 years now (counting from when you were 18). There's nothing wrong with being single if the person is happy with it, but YOU don't seem at all happy with being single (if your username is any indicator!). And now you've got a relationship that you think could really work out long term, but you're pulling away because.... herpes?! Dude, YOU could already have herpes from other sexual acts and you might not even realize. More than a quarter of the population has it... and that's the people who know they have it. Like, you could just use protection if the risk bothers you?

But obviously, it's your life and your decision. If you've already made it, then let this woman go gently but quickly, so she doesn't get too attached and she can start looking for a partner who will accept her.

 

[despairingbuttrying]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

Do you realise that you're already talking about her in past tense?  This suggests to me that you've already made your decision.  

Quite sad to hear you're checking out from a lovely woman when there are ways to manage this.  And even if the worst happened and you caught it, it's hardly a death sentence.  I know it's a shock, but your mindset is like it's the 80's and you just found out she has HIV/AIDS

I am hugely conflicted as I've said so I am looking to push through this and get to a point where I am able to see this from a more rational and less "emotional" point of view.  Right now I'm feeling unsettled and panicky because of the recent news so I recognise that and don't want that to dictate any snap, impulsive decision. 

At the same time though as others have alluded, I have to come to a point where I am at peace with this and peace with her knowing that sex will have a slight added complication in the future.  Yes I have done other sexual "stuff" in my past, but because I haven't technically had intercourse before, I have naturally idolised and built it up so massively in my head over all these years, that I think anything that might prevent or limit it from meeting the standards I have created, strikes a real fear in my mind, if that makes sense?

[despairingbuttrying]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Please do not ghost her. Give her the courtesy of a clean breakup. 

She is an honest woman who informed you early. She could have waited for you to be completely smitten with her to tell you or she could have hidden this from you like 60% of positives do, but she didn't. 

You are 41 yo, you never experienced intimicy, you will not suddenly grow to be comfortable with this.  In 10 years you may meet another woman like her with again hsv2 and you'll be ok with it. For now you are not.

My last point, you need to de-dramatize this,  it's 2 months dating, you will get over it. If she is as fantastic as you say she'll find someone else and life will go on.  

I am not there yet, I need to give this more time, let the fear, anxiety and panic settle down first and then see how I feel and make a decision based on when I am calmer.  Like you say however, will I be able to do this, will there always be that thought in the back of my head.  I can be a very analytical and paranoid person at times, so that does not help already.  

I know it's only been a short time, but the thought of her not being in my life and starting over, letting go of this strong connection that we've only started to build is painful to contemplate. It's very rare that I meet someone like this.  Last time was a few years ago but she turned out not to feel the same about me after around a month or so but the time before that, I can't even recall meeting a woman who I really liked and wanted to pursue and they felt the same way.  I should not base any decision on this however but it is still something to consider.  Hence why I feel so conflicted, I am waking up in sweats the last few nights since she told me. 

Edited September 3 by despairingbuttrying

[despairingbuttrying]

16 minutes ago, Els said:

Personally I really don't understand this. If I was in your position I would 100% be going forward and seeing where it leads. You have been single for more than 20 years now (counting from when you were 18). There's nothing wrong with being single if the person is happy with it, but YOU don't seem at all happy with being single (if your username is any indicator!). And now you've got a relationship that you think could really work out long term, but you're pulling away because.... herpes?! Dude, YOU could already have herpes from other sexual acts and you might not even realize. More than a quarter of the population has it... and that's the people who know they have it. Like, you could just use protection if the risk bothers you?

But obviously, it's your life and your decision. If you've already made it, then let this woman go gently but quickly, so she doesn't get too attached and she can start looking for a partner who will accept her.

 

Yes as I've said I am going to try and do this but like I also said I want things to be natural and organic like how everything was before she told me about her condition. I have to be at peace with this and accept her 100% but I fear having that anxiety in the back of mind always which is what bothers me.  In any case I am taking the time I need to fully process this.  

No of course, I want to be with someone, as in my previous post, the last time I very rarely meet anyone I really like, largely due to wanting a Christian woman which already narrows down the pool of eligible candidates. It's not easy dating period as you know but when you have less people to "choose" from it can be really demoralising. Setbacks, disappointments and many times I've dated women who I thought could be the one, but the attraction wasn't there or we weren't compatible.

And at some point, even though I do sexual experience, I want to finally have intercourse with a woman! I had so many opportunities to do this, one night flings, the longer relationships I had but I waited because I believed saving it for marriage is the right thing to do and I still believe that deep down because of my Christian convictions. There are times when I wish this wasn't the case and had the sexual experience most people have by this age.  I just never thought I'd be waiting this long and that wait would be this challenging. 

So that's why, yes, I don't want to back out just because of an infection she contracted when she was far from the person she is now. Like I said in my OP I was ready to accept her if she had slept around or whatever, because that was her past.  

I did actually get myself tested a couple of years ago (and since then zero sexual contact with anyone) and nothing. But I get it, herpes is still unfairly stigmatised when more than half the world's population have HSV1 and as for HSV2 I think it's almost 500 million.