I can't see an end in sight

[platypus]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to this site and was just hoping for some support as I haven't been coping very well since my breakup. I'm sorry this is so long, but it kind of needs to be for me to explain everything properly...

 

I was with my ex for just over 7 years. We got together when we were both 18 and got engaged after 4 years.

 

Just after we got engaged, he moved in with me and my parents. He had a really bad home life, his mother was pretty horrible and made it very difficult for him to live there. He was even considering adopting his little brother for a while she was so bad. Anyway, we stayed with my parents because he was still at university and I was only temping.

 

At the end of that year, I took a really good job in another state. He moved with me. We lived together in the new place for two years then he moved back home to finish uni, and be closer to his brother and friends. He expected I would come back too. My job was going so well though and I'd gotten a promotion so I really didn't want to go back.

 

After he'd been gone about 2 months, I had to move out of the place we were renting, I think it hit him hard that I chose to move within the city I was in rather than go back home to be with him then.

 

About 3 months after that, on one of my trips home, he dumped me. I really thought everything had been alright up until then. Sure we had fights when we lived together, I think it was partly caused by us wanting to be in different cities, but we didn't have any really big problems that I could see. I was totally stunned.

 

We were staying at my parents place for a week (he was just living at his uncle's). He seemed a bit withdrawn (which he certainly hadn't been only a month before when he'd come to see me) so I kept pestering him, trying to find out what was wrong. Then, towards the end of the week he told me about how he didn't want to be in a relationship, how he felt lost, didn't know who he was, was tired of having to worry about other people (he practically raised his brothers and sister) and didn't know how he felt about me anymore. He also said that he wouldn't have even said anything if I hadn't been asking what was wrong all week.

 

He said he didn't want to break up but wanted a "break".

 

A few fights later and it was a break or a break up...we decided on a 3 month break. A week into it I decided it wasn't for me, it was far too hard and I didn't know whether to move on or not, so we broke up.

 

I was devastated, but he was cold and cruel.

 

We had a few more fights, I threw stupid tantrums, and then it became more pleasent. He had about 12 boxes of stuff at my place (which was tiny) which I wanted him to arrange to get, he was really dragging the chain and started to get angry when I insisted he get rid of it.

 

Eventually he arranged for me to drop it at his friend's house. That was 2 months after the break up, and 3 months ago. I've had no contact with him in the past 3 months (he didn't even call me on my birthday ).

 

My Mum has spoken to his Aunt a few times, he had a DVD of mine that I really wanted back at her place and eventually she sent it to me (after his protests that he wanted to). I never got the money he spent up on my credit card after we broke up back but I guess you have to cut your losses sometimes.

 

Anyway, the last I heard (through Mum and the Aunt) is that he's very lost and has shut out everyone who used to be important to him. They don't think there's another woman but no one knows what he's doing or where he's living, he's got all his stuff at their house and drops in whenever it's convenient for him. She says he was very upset when all the boxes of his stuff finally arrived, crying and saying that he didn't think it would be so hard.

 

He was always selfish, and just took from the relationship, but he seems to have gotten worse since we broke up (stealing from me, using his family - even the members he was close to) yet I still can't let him go.

 

It's been 5 months, I've been going out, tried to date, caught up with old friends, gotten involved in causes I'm interested in, shopped, joined the gym, talked it out, written the never to be sent letter to him, read all the books, been to a counsellor and I'm still in so much pain. I've even moved into a new place and been promoted at work but I can barely enjoy it.

 

I don't want to be with him anymore, I don't think, I doubt I could ever trust him again or respect myself if I was with him after he'd done this, but I just can't let go.

 

I keep thinking of how close we were, we were really best friends. I'd never been so comfortable with anyone in all my life, we had our futures planned together and I miss him so much. Every memory from my adult life has him in it. I just can't let go and comprehend that he isn't a part of my life anymore.

 

Please help! I can't cope with this. Again, sorry it was so long, thanks for reading.

[Delicaterose00]

Hi sweetie.. your story sounds like mine except along with all that he said, he was cheating. No, Im not saying your ex is or was, but Im just saying your story is the same as mine kind of... You were together for a long time and I know that hurts. I cant say I know what your going through, I can understand though, I can sympathize with you. You just have to keep telling yourself that you deserve the best and nothing less, why should you settle for someone who is lost, or unstable, and if he being selfish, why would you want someone who does not care about your feelings right now. Sometimes love is not enough and everyone has to remember that. Just because you love someone does not mean you should be together. But since he is all you know, think of all the new things you get to experiance, I know, at first you wont want to date anyone or talk to anyone, I was there too, its been 7 months for me and I am just now ready to start a new relationship. Think of all the things he didnt do or say and think of how cool that would be to find someone who will do those things?? The best thing to do right now is not see him, look at anything he bought you or wrote you, and no calling... believe me, youll be happier in the end if you dont. If he knows he still has you in his grip, then that will make him feel better... not you, and you dont want him to feel better right? If you end up finding out there is another woman, and he is afraid maybe to bring her around right now cause he dont want his family yelling at hime, make sure to do what the new Carey Underwood song says to do honey... its called " Before he cheats" Its goes something like this... lol. " I dug me key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, dug my name into his leather seats, took a louisville slugger to both head lights, slashed a hole in all four tires, maybe next time hell think ... before he cheats" how cool is that song> Look it up... please reply back sweetie!!

[platypus]

Thanks for your response delicaterose.

 

I understand what you're saying about him not caring about me right now, and how I shouldn't want him, well I can honestly say I don't, but I can't stop feeling like it's my fault he doesn't care. Like it's because there's something wrong with me or I wasn't good enough. I still can't believe he didn't call on my birthday, that hurt so much. How can you stop caring for someone after so long? I couldn't stop caring for a friend I'd had that long that easily, let alone someone I was going to marry!

 

I can't even imagine dating someone else to be honest. I did try in November but I just wasn't interested. Now I just don't see the point, if my ex could just throw me aside like that after 7 years, what's to say someone else won't do the same thing? I just can't see how I can trust anyone again.

 

I've been in NC for 3 months and don't plan on breaking it. We were in email only contact at one stage for about 3 weeks, and talking to him at the end of that time really set me back so I'm not about to do that to myself again. I've gotten rid of just about everything he gave me, everything personal anyway, I've thrown away all the cards and photos, I even gave my engagement ring to my Mum to sell.

 

I really don't think he is seeing someone else. I've asked him, a number of times and he's been pretty convincing in telling me there wasn't anyone else. When we first went on the break, he told me that if we didn't get back together he couldn't see himself every being with anyone.

 

His Aunt also told me, that during the week of our break he had been moping around a lot. She eventually sat him down and he told her about the break. She quizzed him about someone else and he said it was the furtherest thing from his mind, and then went on about finding out who he was, and all that. He's given up all his interests (he used to LOVE and coach football - now it's gone completely) and suddenly wants to find his birth father. It seems to me and to his Aunt that there's probably too much going on his head for another relationship right now.

 

Also, she said that he's been acting totally lost and unhappy. In the early stages of a relationship, you're normally happy. All these things lead me to believe he wasn't cheating or seeing someone else. He could be now though, I don't know.

 

I know that song! I love it! Only, my ex didn't drive much less have a car so unfortunately I can't trash it!

 

Thanks again for your response. I hope that things are going okay for you

[Delicaterose00]

I so know about the not wanting to date anyone.. even after we broke up, and I tried to date someone else, it felt sooooooo wrong, almost like I was cheating on him!!! The reason it seems he could just love you one day and not the next is this... before you realized it, he was already letting go.. months ahead.... until finally, he was able to let it go, see, for him, he already had the time to think it out and dwell on it, you didnt,, you got a cold shot of water while you were hot.. it was a shocker!!!!!! But I thought that too, there is no one I want to date no one I want to see, but after 8 months Im ready.. soooooooooo ready... and you will be too one day. Dont rush it, you have to feel the pain to get over the pain. Just think though, now you have all the power to chose the next person for you. You get to take what you learned from thsi relationship and apply it to other guys.. Now you know more of what you like and dont like, more of what you want and dont want in a guy... Ya, there may that one thing he did that you might not find in another guy.. like for instance my ex called every day like 10+ times a day, I prollly wont find another guy that will call all the time, but then again the new guy might not yell at me and embarress me in public like my ex did, so that is better wouldnt u say?? Time heals all wounds... and look at it this way... you think you cant love anyone like you loved him, but... if he was not meant to be yours and htere is someone who si meant to be yours.. can you imagine the amount of love youll have for that guy??? you wont believe it.. you wont believe how much love youll feel. Every major relationship I have I say that I love them more than the last, and I feel that will always happen.... it just gets better... and it will hun..

[platypus]

The reason it seems he could just love you one day and not the next is this... before you realized it, he was already letting go.. months ahead.... until finally, he was able to let it go, see, for him, he already had the time to think it out and dwell on it, you didnt,, you got a cold shot of water while you were hot.. it was a shocker!!!!!!

 

I've heard people say this, not about my relationship but about the break up of long term relationships in general, but that idea makes me so angry. I honestly think if he was having feelings that took him to the point of breaking up, then he should have discussed them with me when they started. Either we could have worked on things, or instead, I could've started the recovery earlier, like he was able to. Either way, it seems incredibly selfish to me. Maybe I'm saying that because I still have so much anger in me, I don't know.

 

The other thing is, he was fine about two weeks before it all happened. I know there were things in our relationship that had bothered him but I struggle with the idea that he was thinking of ending it because he was the same old him. I definitely sensed a difference in the last couple of weeks, the week we were together especially and he told me that my asking about it was the only reason he said anything. I just don't understand how a few weeks, or even a month could compare with 7.5 years, especially when we weren't even in the same state for that month and he admitted himself he had no idea what he wanted in any aspect of his life.

 

I guess though, at this point, I'm more hurt that he doesn't seem to care about me in any capacity than I am about the fact he dumped me.

 

So when you say you're ready to date, are you seeing someone now, or are you saying you're ready to get back out there? I hope you are with/meet someone truly wonderful. Thanks again for your advice

[platypus]

I'm having a really bad night tonight. I can't stop thinking about him, I try, but nothing works.

 

Everything reminds me of him and I'm really missing him right now, well, missing who he used to be.

 

I know we can never be together again, for a start I'm pretty sure he's not interested in that and I could never be with someone who has treated me the way he has since the break up. Plus, I don't really like the 'new him'. So why do I want him here so much?

 

It's so horrible, I'm sorry to sulk like this, but I don't know what else to do.

 

I won't call him, I want to so badly, but if he's nice to me, I'll miss him more, and if he's not, then it will hurt too much.

[not_myself]

Platypus - I have been reading this thread b/c it relates very much to what I have been going through with my ex. We dont have the long history of 7.5 years, but it is very confusing when someone you think you know can seem to turn on and off their feelings in such a short time, so I will pass on to you what I have learned.

 

My ex left me back in fall 2004 and he should have, the relationship was bad. We sort of got back togrther in spring 2005, but he pulled away again - understandibly, things were complicated, but it still hurt. This past August we started to see eah other again, on HIS initiation, and then he ended it for no apparent reason in early December. It was not so bad, b/c I knwo he is not the one for me, but I still am also confused. We broke on good terms as it was pretty mutual, but he did not contact me at all for 3 weeks? My friendly attempts to get in touch were met with almost hostility and defensiveness?

 

But as a few of my guy friends have explained to me there are things guys can do with their feelings that we can not understand. First they are good at supressing their emotions and acting more in a pragmatic or rational way. We are used to embracing our feelings and putting them to the forefront of our consciousness. Guys are too scared to do this So your guy, once he decided you were not for each other, may be doing this.

 

Also - another of my guy friend who has just split with a long term girlfriend - avoids talking to her or seeing her b/c it is too painful. He knows they cannot work out, but the feelings are still there, so he uses this 'cold shoulder' as a way of protecting himself.

 

And then I guess there are just people out there who are good at walking away from things and giving up, both literally and emotionally. I am not one of those people - I like a challenge and I dont let things slip through my fingers so easily. But some people are not capable and will just walk away from things they cannot control or cannot deal with.

 

Not sure if any of that makes sense - just dont make the mistake of trying to analyze his actions through your own eyes - Men are different creatures, truly.

[platypus]

He hasn't even tried to contact me in, well it's getting close to 4 months. At least I don't think he has. He has my work number and my email addresses but I have a new home number.

 

I had one of my friends down from my hometown on the weekend, she thinks he hasn't called me because he feels he shouldn't. When I tried to get my Mum to organise something with him (to get his stuff) he asked why I didn't call him, I told him our last conversation had set me back, so he said he wouldn't call anymore. Also, he has probably heard from his Aunt that I moved and have been back to our home town without contacting him. My friend thinks he's just drawn the conclusion that I don't want to hear from him and left it at that. It still hurts though. It just feels like he doesn't care at all, on any level and I can't help but take it as a reflection on me.

 

He did tell me when he first called after a break in communication (a long time ago when I still had his stuff) that he hadn't called earlier because he was nervous.

 

I tried to call him though. On Friday. I feel so stupid. I convinced myself that he was with someone so wanted to ring to see if a woman answered, I only let it ring once though and hung up. Since he doesn't have my mobile (cell) number or even know I have one, he didn't know it was me. He texted me the next day saying 'you tried to call me, how can I help you?' I texted back saying 'wrong number, sorry'. I still feel like an idiot though.

 

I'm so angry because I feel like I wasted 7.5 years on him, and have now wasted another 5 months in this hell.

 

Not myself, I know what you're saying about men being different. I have tried to remind myself not to look at his actions through my eyes because we are different people with (very) different moral standards. It's hard to comprehend that anyone can switch off their emotions though. Doesn't suppressing feelings come back to haunt you later? It sure seems like it does with him. I sometimes wonder if the way he's behaving now may have something to do with him never dealing with his childhood. Once when he was quite drunk, quite a few years ago he told me some things that had happened to him as a child, it was just horrible. He cried so hard about it, he's obviously never dealt with it. I'm still in this weird place where I really don't like him or what he's done to me and who he's become, but because of who he was, I do still love him and I hope he gets the help he needs.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship not myself. Are you coping okay?

[not_myself]

Wow - our situations are getting more and more similar. My ex, also when drunk, alluded to and kind of disclosed to me some abuse, by his father, maybe sexual? i didn't pry b/c I didnt know what to do - I do know he supresses alot of feelings, and it has a horrible affect on him. He really looses it sometimes, doesnt respond well to stress in his life..etc.

 

 

The first time we split, i was surprised he acutally called it off, and was upset, but had not been happy, so took it in stride, dated others, we kept in some contact and had a few 'nights'. In the early part of last year i confessed that i really did love him and wanted to try again - being a better girlfriend - but he was seeing someone! and i was devastated. However a few months later we got in touch again and sort of reconciled, but there was another guy, and things were not communicated and we split again - this time me really. After that time was the worst..that follwing summer. My performance at work started to suffer, I started seeing a therapist, my family was really worried - because i have always been a very strong and independant person...and i was really loosing it. Then BACK together for 4 months - and this time I am just sad. We obviously both have feelings for each other, but something is not quite right - its just something he cant do. So, I do not feel as rejected at all - just sad. but pretty much ok

 

I did learn with him though - it is usually much much easier for them to not contact you. I even ran into my ex at a sports bar this weekend, and decided to stay since we are both adults and i didnt have a problem with it. Come to find out yesterday he was very uncomfortable and awkward feeling - I had no idea. Men tend to deal better with 'out of sight, out of mind'.

 

7.5 years is a long time - the way i feel better about not getting phone calls or emails is: - since there is no way to truly know the reason, I just assume that it is too hard for them, that they dont want to dig up feelings. Even if it may not be the case, it makes it easier. At the end of the day - it is their problem - not yours. You are doing nothing wrong.

[not_myself]

I am also dealing with still caring about my ex. He has regressed since I met him into a different person. More insecure, more moody and reclusive. After I saw him saturday he supposedly went on quite a drinking binge, blacked out, lost his phone and maybe even got in a fight he doesnt remember. This makes things so hard for me becuase I do love him and want him to be happy - on a level that has nothing to do with us or me. And when you are not with someone, you cannot help them. This eats at me...but all i can really do now is pray for him - and i do, but its still hard.

[platypus]

Thanks not myself.

 

Our exes do sound a lot alike.

 

Going back and forth like that must be so hard. I'm glad for you that you were able to stay even when your ex turned up at that bar. Well done! At least being long distance I don't have to worry about that happening.

 

That's a good idea re his NC, I will believe that the reason is whatever suits me

 

My ex definitely regressed too. It's as if his version of growing up was the exact opposite to everyone else's. I am torn between hoping he is happy, and being stupid and competitive and wanting to be happier than he is. I do hope he deals with all his issues though. I tried to help him but I guess he just didn't want my help.

 

I went to a new counsellor on Thursday. I think I'm going to keep seeing this one. The other one I went to wasn't much help. She told me that the reason he didn't stay here (in this town) with me might have been because he was astrologically incompatible with it. That sort of advice just doesn't help.

 

Today was his birthday. I didn't contact him. I never planned to, but I'm glad the day passed without the urge to.

 

I still can't believe he left though, even after almost 6 months. After all the promises, after how close we were. I feel so stupid for staying with him so long and for not seeing it coming. How do I stop believing that this is all because of some major failing on my part as a person?