coasting Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I really don't know if I am in the right forum or not, but I will give it a shot anyway. I was dumped by my live in boyfriend on November 19,2005. He moved out while I was at work, leaving a note on the table. I later learned he moved in with another woman and her daughter. We had been together for almost 3 years. He had two children from his divorced marriage. the kids were my world. I did everything with these two kids including teaching his 14 year old daughter how to bake an apple pie. Needless to say when he left he ripped those two children out of my life,leaving a blank hole there. I just never realized how much those two children meant ot me until that first weekend came and they weren't there. The pain is incredible.It is six weeks into the break up and the pain just doesn't get any better. To top it all off I had become extremely close with his mother over r the past three years. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and pretty much needed round the clock care, that was provided by her daughter most of the time. But when her daughter wasn't there because of work, his mom always called upon me. I woul get the phone call asking if she could come over to my house. I would go get her and we would spend the day together. We ended up having to put her in a Nursing home in September due to rapid failing with the disease. From day one her daughter and I would always try to be there for her dinner hour to make sure she ate and to re-assure her that she would not be forgotten. My ex would go up once a week for an hour because he could not handle the situation. over the past six two months his mom failed rapidly becoming bed bound and needibg to be fed, with all lher liquids thickened to nector consistency so she would not choke. Again I would always be there for this hour or more, because her daughter was working her second job, and couldn't be there. Do not get me wrong I would not had given that hour or so up for anything. i continued to do it after he left, and sadly I have to say his mom passed away on New Year's Eve. I was there, as well as her daughter and oldest son. The wake and funeral being this afternoon and tomorrow morning. I so much want to be there but am facing the pains of seeing mmy ex with the other woman.I wish I could explain the pain that I have been feeling over the past six weeks, but it is so incredible that no words could ever explain it.this pain I would not wish upon anyone not even my ex and the woman he moved in with. I now have to decide if I can attend the wake and funeral, and face the painful situatiion all over again.
EMJ Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 You are a friend of the family, a very good friend. You have contributed to thier lives in important and meaningful ways. His sister and the other family members will want to see you there, you meant so much in thier mother's final days and I'm sure the kids miss you terribly. Your guy sounds like an immature jerk who aparently does not want to be in a committed realtionship. Bouncing from one house to another without regard for the lives he's impacted is the ultimate in arrogance and selfisheness. He's going to hurt more people, no one just wakes up a selfish jerk, it's honed by years of manipulating people to serve his self, and no one else. His cowardly way of leaving- A NOTE?!, Running away, not facing you?? What a friggin loser! Once you heal from this trauma, you wll probably see the many ways in which he has hurt and insulted you. Don't give him that kind of power again. Ever. People rarely change. Go to the wake and funeral. There's no question of whether or not you belong there, you do. You deserve and need the opportunity to mourn these losses. You are so mature. You can be polite and civil to him for everyone's sake. You ARE and have always been the better person. Don't worry about the other woman, she has no idea yet of the "prize" she has really won in him, but she will, and then she will be the one crying. Please do not miss the opportunity to say goodbye in an important and necessary way. This will get better. Really. Best wishes and good luck, You are a beautiful person.
ahotmess Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 You should definately go. Support of loved ones is so very important to family memebers. They know you truly loved this woman, as I'm sure she loved you. You were a huge part of her life. Especially in the end when the situation was too difficult for many to handle. I know it will be hard to see the ex. It will really suck, but you should go to support. And let him see that you are still doing well.
newbby Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 i have to disagree. go if and only if, you feel comfortable going. funerals are for the living not the dead. if going will stir up emotions you are trying to deal with then dont go sweetheart. unless the people there really need your help and you are in a good enogh state that you can be helpful, then dont feel you HAVE to go. consider everything though. will you feel worse or better afterwards if you dont attend? will you feel worse for seeing them, or worse for not saying goodbye to her in the traditional way? 1
EMJ Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 Maybe you want to add to your Goodbye post from yesterday that you are back?? I'm sure all those people saying DON'T GO would be glad to know that you didn't leave. These folks sure do get attached, dont they??
Author coasting Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 I am pretty new to this site and honestly don't kow what you are talking about I am gone, I am still here looking for advise.
Author coasting Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 Sorry EMJ I misread the post. Anyway I honestly want to attend the wake and funeral but everytimne I think about seeing him with her, a person who didn't even know his mother I get the gut wrenching feeling that words can not describe!
EMJ Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 He's not that important at this point, He really is not. This is about you. YOU have every right to be there with the other people who care about you. I'm sure they ALL think he's a total disgusting loser for what he has done. You might not even be there at the same time, and he may not even bring her given how he has messed things up. Although I would not be surprised, since he has not got a CLUE about appropriateness. Don't speak to him if you can avoid it, it's not the time or place for his BS. Just show your respects, speak to the people who have cared for you. I'm sure they will want to thank you for everything you have done for them. Be a class act. Get in and out and don't go back to the house and eat with them. That WOULD be a mistake. Just keep moving and start the healing process. He will never know if you are crying for his mother or for him. And the reason does not matter, you are mourning several losses and have every right to do so. I just think it will help you and the people who care about you to be there for this ending. It will move you closer to closure. Good luck sweetheart.
newbby Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 Maybe you want to add to your Goodbye post from yesterday that you are back?? I'm sure all those people saying DON'T GO would be glad to know that you didn't leave. These folks sure do get attached, dont they?? temp hijack: i am unsure. it seemed like the right thing to do. i think the folks are just nice.
Author coasting Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 Thank you for all of the great words.Now only if I could believe them myself.
newbby Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 great post emj. its very true. you have every right to be there, and every right to mourn whatever you need to.
EMJ Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 It's up to you. Always. But you are probably well aware that hurt people don't always see things as clearly as those not involved. I would just hate to see that in a few weeks you completely regret NOT having gone. If you decide not to go will you feel better or worse about things? Why are you giving the other woman so much power?? She's got her cheating, loser prize, and you have the chance, that most people don't get, to show everyone that your relationship with the family is/was important. Please think hard. You may never get another chance like this. He's weak. You are strong. He runs from problems. You face them. If you realized your REAL value you would never give a damn about what he and his hoochie mama think about anything. You are so much better than them, so obviously, in so many ways. Again, you have to do what you think is right. But YOU did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel bad about. Be strong girl. Be the winner you are.
Author coasting Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 here's what I think I am going to do. I am going to call his sister and ask her to let the funeral home know that I will be over at the end of the wake, and then tomorrow I will attend the funeral! I am the winner here and yes she is a hooche mama and he is a jeerk....unfortunately a jerk I love,, bt I do owe it to myself and his mother a final farewell. Thank you!
EMJ Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I'm so happy you are doing this. I know it will be hard, but know that we are here for you when it's over. Keep rereading the posts, even if you don't believe them, because you will eventually. Again, remember, you are strong, you deserve this opportunity to do the right thing. Think about the people who WILL be happy you went. I wish I could give you a big hug, because you have done a beautiful thing here. Good luck, and let us know how it works out. We've got your back!
Author coasting Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 All right wish me luck as I am now getting ready to face this guy and to say afinal good bye to someone who I really did love so dearly. The butterflies in my stomach and the pain in my chest are so heavy at this moment, but I knowit is something I have to do, as EMJ was right I do not want to ever regret this last chance I get. And I think if the other woman is there with him as soon as I walk in she will probably more uncomfortable than I am. As I am the one that really belongs there with the family. She is just someone who has entered an open door that will slam in her face eventually. I guess the other thing I have to keep in mind is that, if his mother ever knew what he did, she would be very disgusted and this woman as well as the ex will always have to live with that feeling. Here goes nothing!
EMJ Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 Big deep long breaths to relax yourself. Think of everyone else, you are so giving, and this will be good for you. The family will respect and admire you for everything you have done, everything you are, and the fact that he did this to you and you still are classy enough to put it aside for the moment. I'll be pulling for you this entire evening sending love, support, and protection. Keep breathing...you belong there. His Mom will know in spirit that you were there. You are strong and getting stronger.
Author coasting Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 Not good at all tonight.He was there of course and she was sitting there looking at me. All's I wanted to do was ring her neck. How dare her be there, I am so furious right now I can't even think straight!
EMJ Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Look. You are done with him. Done, Done, Done! Of course she could only sit and stare, that's what stupid Bimbos do. Not clever enough to say anything that matters or would be helpful. What about the family? Weren't they glad to see you? This is for his Mom, not his sorry ass. You did absolutely the right thing. I'm very proud of you. Tell me you don't regret it? Weren't there a few NICE people to talk to?
Author coasting Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 I really can't say anything about the family as I was so upset by the entire thing and I really had trouble holding my tongue, that I left and then went back after everyone was gone. She really is a stupid bimbo. What kind of person goes to the wake of someone they hardly know let alone moves someone in with them. I guess it really does go to show you what a loser he really is. and after tomorrow morning I will either send him a sympathy card with a note inside, or just an email that states enjoy life with this 36 year old , falsed teeth, hooked nose bimbo while it lasts because she will be booting your ass to the curb when the next thing comes around. You know what I take it back Ihonestly do wish they could feel some of this painHere i go again starting from the bottom, again. thanks for listening and all the advise.
EMJ Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 He won't appreciate it and will share it with his bimbo, and he sounds arrogant enough to tell YOU to "leave him alone". Please spare yourself his insults. Send a card to the sister, she was with you at the worst time for their Mom. She's the only one who would appreciate the sentiment. Don't seeth over this tramp. Again, it's giving her all that power. It's not hers to have, she DOES NOT influence you. She is just the latest recipient of the "I stole a loser from his devoted girlfriend award" . She's not going to last. But so what either way?. IT's HE who commtted the crimes, she just the sorry mope who bought the latest pack of lies. The more I hear, the more I KNOW that this is for the best. It's still early, the pain is still fresh, but several months from now you wont even BELIEVE how much you will look back at him with disgust & pity. It will take several months, unfortunately. Once took me a stinking YEAR to get over someone who did this to me. Why do we DO this to ourselves?? It's a form of temporary insanity I think. But you WILL get over this, you WILL find a decent and honest guy, and you WILL be SO thankful that this loser is not around when it happens. Just don't walk around with the scar tissue of anger and resentment, it will scare anyone off quicker than a blink of the eye. Flirt a lot, but don't date for awhile. Your flirt muscles are probaly soft from lack of practice. But you can whip them back into shape, just like the days before you hooked up with this creep. Don't kick yourself anymore. You are high quality. Don't get dragged into the mud with those two. They are only keeping you from your destiny, if you let them!. Be well, you WILL handle tomorrow with dignity, It's who you are.
Author coasting Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Another sleepless night, because of these cheating fools. I honestly can not believe how much pain these two have caused me. And everytime I think it is getting better the wound gets re-opened and it feels ;ike a box of salt has been poured into it. I just reallly have to believe in Karma and realize what comes around goes around, and they both will get theirs. I will attend the funeral i the morning, seeing how it is a private graveside one and I was invited by the rest of the faimly, and then continue to go to work and face the two of them, and watch as their happy go lucky relationship falls apart. And trust me I will be watching it with joy in my eyes.
EMJ Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 That makes it much harder to move on. I'm sure they won't be the happy couple for long. But you have to take care of yourself and not be invested emotionally in whatever happens with them. It's even harder to make the break total and complete if they are always around. This makes him even more of a scumbag, he didn't even have the decency to go outside of the office to cheat. He's exceptionally LAZY in addition to being a lying cheat and she's worse than that because she always knew of your situation. But what will make it MUCH worse is if you allow them to disurb you on the job. He's done enough damage personally, don't let him mess you up professionally, that's much harder to fix and truly affects the rest of your life. You are strong, Stronger than those losers. Is it possible for you to transfer to a diffrent part of your company to get away from them? Protect yourself. Try not to let people know how painful this is, office gossip can be horrible, and YOU will get the worst of it. People can be petty that way. I just know you will get through this. It hard, very hard, but you know you can do it. I'm going back to work today, but will check in this evening. I really hope this is the last time you have to deal with him in this very personal way. Please don't let them interfere with your life on the job. If you let them have that kind of power over your life you will truly be DONE. Best Wishes, Keep breathing, this is the end of a bad phase. Tomorrow is the start of new chapter. Be well and good luck.
Author coasting Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 It was a hard day but I am so happy that i went and had a final farewell with the family. I also spoke a few words to the othe two before I could catch myself. EMJ you have been great through this entire thing. I truely believe you have a gift to help people through their life crisis's, please continue to putting it to work here and please feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thank you so much off to work now I will check later as well.
EMJ Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I'm generally a pretty compassionate person. I kind of lost it yesterday and went off when one of our members was going on and on for days about what a victim she was when she did and continues to do LOTS of things that have created her own unhappy siutation. I'm definitely not perfect. I just can't stand manipulation and dishonesty. People who live that way create their own misery and it's hard to feel sorry for them. Your story touched me very strongly because you are so generous, giving, and trusting and was blindsided by this dishonest man. It's a killer when someone you love just abuses the hell out of you and then just expects you to "get over it". I'm SO glad you went to the funeral. You had the opportunity to show what a class act you are. I read this yesterday and thought of you immediately: POSITIVE QUOTE OF THE DAY ----------------------------- Class is an aura of confidence that is being sure without being cocky. Class has nothing to do with money. Class never runs scared. It is self-discipline and self-knowledge. It's the sure footedness that comes with having proved you can meet life. -- Ann Landers, born 1918 You have proved it girl! Not just by going to the wake & funeral, but how you have dealt with his family, his children, everything. I am going to contact you outside of this forum. I know it's maybe silly to be so concerned for someone you barely know, but I do care. I have had my heart broken and unfortunately I have probably broken a few myself as a less mature woman. But now I'm so careful in how I deal with people in relationships. I learned the hard way and it took A LONG time to get over it. But it does give one a persepctive that, while painful, makes you understand others and you really can feel their pain like it's your own. Be strong. I'll contact you later. Hope your day is lovely.
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