LookingForChange Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 This is my first time doing this but after reading a few of the threads I thought that I might give it a try. I am shocked at how many women have found themselves in this situation (perhaps I am naive) My relationship with my MM started about 7 years ago though I did not know for the first year. He was in the military and leaving overseas (so was I) We established our relationship first before returning back to a different world. A WIFE AND KIDS! I found out about 2 months after we got back that he was married. I was so upset but more because I fell for his lies. I was not sad really but really mad. I sought revenge (I was young) and I called the wife. Turns out that she was pregnant again (second child) and gave birth shortly after. Apparently, they slept together when he went on leave and they got pregnant. When I found this out, I cut him off. I did not speak to him for about 4 years. This is where I made a mistake. I emailed him one day out of curiousity (I know that I am stupid) and we ended up seeing each other soon after. We lived about 9 hours apart so he drove down here for a few days. I had no intentions about this as I knew he was married but he of course did. He ended up separating from his wife spewing the same thing that all MM seem to say to their OW, "I love you, your my soulmate, we were meant to be together,I dont love her like I love you". HE told me it had been over for awhile and not to feel guilty about it. She moved out and the HELL began. He was coming here every few weeks, working and fighting with her to see his kids. She was very vindictive. I tried to be as supportive as I could as a friend while maitaining my distance but I could not help it and I fell back in love with him again. I dont think that I stopped. They were legally separated but she put him through hell and I guess I dont blame her. After about 6 months, she wanted him back. Told him that the kids were depressed and crying all the time and that she was not able to provide for her family while threatening to put them on welfare. Meanwhile, he was paying her 2.5 times of what he legally had to. He told her that we broke it off. She called ME and left ME nasty messages on my machine. I saw the threads where they say the OW went crazy but it was actually her. I did not call back because I found it all very immature and I did not want to involve myself in something that I would later regret. We stopped talking for a little bit but then he went overseas to Iraq. It was hard for me not to talk to him because I was worried all the time. We started to talk again and since then he has flip flopped back and forth between her and I. He has continously told me that love has nothing to do with it and that he does not love her. He says that he is only there for his kids and that he saw one the separation the first time did and that he does not want her to take them away from him. I am supposed to see him for one week next month when he returns for good and then he says he would make a decision. It angers me that he has all the control here. He knows that I have a soft spot for those kids and that I want the best for them and I think he uses that to his benefit. I miss him so much but at the same time I want to slap him He was sent home for an family emergency and we have not spoken. Meanwhile, when he is away he calls me LONG DISTANCE every day or evey other day and emails about 3 times a day The thought of him with her makes me ill (and I know what everyone will say-that is her husband) but that does not make it any easier. It still hurts. I sent him an email and told him to stay away from me that he will get when he goes back to work. I guess I am writing this to get some support or at least confirmation that I am being smart. Should I be giving this guy another chance? Or am I right to break it off? Has someone else broke it off succcessfully? Do they go away? This sucks.
cherrie498 Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 Most of the OW/MM relationships are the same & 9 times out of 10 they dont leave. This man will keep both of you as long as he can, why wouldnt he. You need to make the decision to walk away not in hopes for him to chase you but because you have decided that you no longer want in such a unhealthy situation. I am now trying to end my 3 yr A with my MM so has anyone ever been successful, I hope so!! : ) GOOD LUCK!!!
EMJ Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 That's the question. Does not look like he has a lot of love and support to go back to, but the way that this has played out for you does not make it likely that these kids will ever be able to accept you. Why should they, you are the real reason they may lose their father, and that's not easily forgivable. The wife 's hurt and desperate reaction is the only power she has at the moment. She's angry that you interferred with her marriage. YOU did that and should not be surprised at the reaction. He does not have ALL the power here, unless you gave it to him. Do you love him? Enough to deal with the mess your behavior caused? These are your choices. "The thought of him with her makes me ill" [/b] That would be a self inflicted illiness. Like putting your fingers down your throat to vomit. You have done this to yourself. Unless you think you want to marry this guy and be his next wife then just stop. Leave him alone. Let him work out his own problems. No one is going to blame the wife. You knew the deal when you started with him. YOU will be seen as the homewrecker, because YOU ARE. Don't see her as the shrew when you have created the situation. Accept your responsiblity as a grown up and try not to hurt anyone else.
Sami_D Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 He might be genuinely messed up and torn and all those other things, but he has to treat you with respect. He thinks he can be with you for another week 'and then make a decision'? You did exactly the right thing. And now it's time for him to come up with the goods. IF he can't leave her 'because of the kids'... then that's his decision. You don't have to live in this limbo because he can't sort out his personal life.
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