Lilly Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 has never been married? Does this usually mean that they have commitment issues? The last two men that I have dated have both been in their mid forties and have never been married. We date and have an absolutely wonderful time, but just when things are going good and we start to get close they disappear. It is amazing how much the two were alike. After a couple of months of NC with them they usually come back and then disappear again. Why do I keep meeting men like this? What should I tell them when they come back? Or should I just let them have their space and and time to think. However, do these men ever really change? If no other woman has been able to change them before, I doubt I will be able to. Don't get the wrong idea. They are not coming back for sex. They are truly scared. You can tell. One man even told me that the thought of having a relationship with someone scares him to death. I like both of them, but they are driving me crazy.
centered Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Yes, they're afraid of commitment. Specifically, they are afraid of completely changing a life they are comfortable with. There is no room in their life for someone else. They want sex, they want occasional comfort; but that's all. They may change in 10 years, though. Some of these guys even think about having a kid or two when they hit their mid 50's. (Fear of death, I'd bet. Having kids can make them feel they'll leave something of themselves behind.) Personally, I wouldn't spend anymore time chasing their rainbows. Especially if you want kids one day. A friend of mine took 9 years to marry her guy, and she started when he was still in his 30s. She's having a baby (finally), and isn't too happy that she'll be 60 when the kid is grown. These guys truly don't understand how relationships work, and they certainly don't feel the need to be in one. Is this is a bsd thing? No. It just is. That's how they are, and it works for them. Not all 40-somethings are like this, however. Keep looking, if that's your desire, and you'll find someone. You may have to re-think the type you are attacted to. In my case, I always went for the alphas, and a single alpha in his 40's is very unlikely to commit without years of patient waiting on your part. A nice guy, good and solid beta type, may be someone who could form a good relationship with you. That said, I've found betas often leave a lot of the decision-making to other people. And unless you are prepared to be the strong one in your relationship, a beta might become really annoying. There is a third type of guy I recently found. Sort of an evolved beta. They have some alpha qualities, can be take-charge at times, but they need you to set boundaries and expectations for them. With good communication, you might be able to make a working relationship with one of these. It takes work, but they can be real sweeties and make you feel cherished. Good luck!
Lifestream Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Dying knowing I never loved someone would scare me to death more than being in a meaningful relationship. Maybe if they sat on that one for a while...
Author Lilly Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 Centered, thanks for the helpful advice. If the next man I meet says he has never been married, I am going to turn and run first. No, thankfully I am not looking for someone to have children with. Lifestream, I totally agree with you. I just can't understand why someone wouldn't want to be in a loving relationship. Apparently it just scares some people.
alphamale Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 has never been married? Does this usually mean that they have commitment issues? If a man (or woman) has not been married by age 40 the chances of them ever marrying is extremly small. And that chance gets smaller with advancing age. For example, a man or woman of 50 who have never been married will probably stay single. Most of the people who wanted to get married did so in their 20's and 30's.
Author Lilly Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 Alphamale, where did you get your information? So you're saying these people are pretty much hopeless as far as a mate? They pursue you and put you on a pedestal and shower you with gifts only to run away. I just can't understand it. Why do they even bother dating? Why not just go pick up a hooker somewhere? Why do they hurt other people with their actions?
curiousnycgirl Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I'm always confused why folks say these things about older single men and not about older single women. I am 40 and never been married and folks just tell me I'm a super girl and there are simply too few men of quality out there. When they meet a single man my age they immediately say something must be wrong with him. what a totally bizarre double standard. As far as Alpha's comments - I'd love to know the source, since my parents quote the same stuff to me all the time. Good news is once I hit 30 they told me all hope for me was gone, so the pressure was off! :bunny:
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I think you can be certain that there are a lot of people in their 40's that have never been married that will never get married and/or are commitment phobes... But with that being said it doesn't mean ALL.. I was married in my early 30's and spent most of them married but now divorced and in my 40's I could've seen myself single until my 40's. In my 20's and 30's I was hell bent on success and money and running a company(s) that left little time for serious relationships like marriage.. If I hadn't have met my (ex)wife I don't think I would've been pulled away long enough to get married..Commitment phobe.. no way.. carreer driven yes.. All it takes is the right woman for us to make the left turn
Author Lilly Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 Yes, you're right curiousnycgirl, people usually think there is something wrong with a man that is over 40 and never married and not so much with a woman over 40. Art_Critic what you had to say really makes a lot of sense. One of the men I dated owns his own company and is very successful, however, he works seven days a week and is totally obsessed with his company and is thinking of opening another store. Maybe he is very career driven too and can't think of anything else like having a relationship. I just don't know at this point what his problem is. Wish I could be the right one to make him make the left turn. Thanks you guys.
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