juliainoz Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 My boyfriend broke up with me on new years day, this is the 2nd time he had done it in 3 months, as he says he is not ready for children (i have a 3 year old).....we had just gone camping together, and my son wasnt the best behaved..... Its been now over 24 hours since i last talked to him, and the 2nd night i havent spent with him - and it hurts like hell......... I still cant see how he goes from talking about us moving in together last week and then talking about marriage and kids in the future when we went away to breaking up with me........and if u saw my christmas presents from him - and the effort he put in - u would wonder why. Last time he did this he promised he would never make rash decisions again........ But im in two minds here.............one mind is if he gets hold of me, i would like to get back with him if he is able to accept my son, but the second mind thinks he will never be able to accept him so i should go out and find someone that can....... Anyway i just wanted some support, im just a bit exhausted and emotional at the moment.
In Sync Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 ..Anyway i just wanted some support, im just a bit exhausted and emotional at the moment. I'm sorry to be blunt but here it goes...LET HIM GO. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, trust me your instincts are right. The man broke off with you on New Year's Day. That is your wake up call to a new beginning without him. If he has broken up with you before,then you are asking to get hurt from this point on. Really. He's letting you know his true colors and he's not going to change into a prince charming down the line. Of course this hurts like hell, but I am not going to feed you false hope by sugar coating it and say give the guy a chance..PUH-lease!especially by the picture you described here. You're a woman with a child (AND DON'T EVEN START BY BLAMING YOUR CHILD FOR MISBEHAVIOR INORDER TO JUSTIFY YOUR JERK BOYFRIEND'S DUMPING YOU...WTF!!) Find a man who loves you and your baby...someone you don't have to sit on pins and needles for hoping they'll stick around. This is 2006 not the turn of the century...Presents mean nothing...look at all the millionaires that split up everyday...Presents do not equal good character in a man. Get your head out of a materialism and kick that man out your life for disrespecting you!
lilmoma1973 Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Totally agree with In sync ,you have a child and you have to think about if that child will be treated right with whomever you choose !! If he don't like kids that seems impossible !! Speaking from expierence being a stepparent can be really hard !! If he isn't ready then it is his choice and you will find someone that can deal with it and he will be history to you! It's his loss and someone else's gain!! Good luck:)
Author juliainoz Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 Im in no way blaming my sons behaviour - the fact is my boyfriend couldnt deal with children - even though he wants his own sometime in the future. I would rather my son anyday - but it still doesnt stop the fact that I am hurting - we had quite a serious relationship, after he first did this at 3 weeks. My presents werent about monetary things, they were straight from the heart. Its hard to go from loving someone, to not being with them.......i am letting go, but yes its hard, i still would like to be with him....... its not that easy to just move on in like a day........give me a chance!
In Sync Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Im in no way blaming my sons behaviour - the fact is my boyfriend couldnt deal with children - even though he wants his own sometime in the future. I would rather my son anyday - but it still doesnt stop the fact that I am hurting - we had quite a serious relationship, after he first did this at 3 weeks. My presents werent about monetary things, they were straight from the heart. Its hard to go from loving someone, to not being with them.......i am letting go, but yes its hard, i still would like to be with him....... its not that easy to just move on in like a day........give me a chance! Ok, of course it's not easy to let go of someone you love and have high hopes as being a part of your future life to build a family...but as you did write here, I suspect you know from your guts that something is amiss. People on LS, have ALL been there and objective may see something that a person deep in love cannot face or is in denial. I too have been in denial about obvious blatant hurtful acts, but others were able to get me look at reality. This is only a 2nd second day of not talking to him. Most likely you will not be able to withstand the PAIN of separation. Mind you, if this guy has broken with you before, he has established a pattern. You are in love and also in fear of losing him, so defending him is natural. Of course you would put your son before your boyfriend, but as you were the one who wrote "he says he is not ready for children (i have a 3 year old).....we had just gone camping together, and my son wasnt the best behaved....." That's a MAJOR RED FLAG in my book- it just looked like you were giving the bf an excuse for his behavior. Sorry for missreading that into it, but ask someone else on LS, how that sentence appears to them. It's not about giving you a chance it's about not giving this guy an inch to disrespect you. And sometimes an objective voice is helpful. Go to a couples counselor as well, if he is willing..The thing is, judge a man by his actions. Breaking up with' you on New Years Day seems mean spirited and selfish. Did he call you, say 'I'm sorry,' or "I didn't mean it" ? Dear presents may have been straight from the heart but what's in his heart now?
Unreg11111111111 Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I'm sorry to be blunt but here it goes...LET HIM GO. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, trust me your instincts are right. The man broke off with you on New Year's Day. That is your wake up call to a new beginning without him. If he has broken up with you before,then you are asking to get hurt from this point on. Really. He's letting you know his true colors and he's not going to change into a prince charming down the line. Of course this hurts like hell, but I am not going to feed you false hope by sugar coating it and say give the guy a chance..PUH-lease!especially by the picture you described here. You're a woman with a child (AND DON'T EVEN START BY BLAMING YOUR CHILD FOR MISBEHAVIOR INORDER TO JUSTIFY YOUR JERK BOYFRIEND'S DUMPING YOU...WTF!!) Find a man who loves you and your baby...someone you don't have to sit on pins and needles for hoping they'll stick around. This is 2006 not the turn of the century...Presents mean nothing...look at all the millionaires that split up everyday...Presents do not equal good character in a man. Get your head out of a materialism and kick that man out your life for disrespecting you! You are making him out to be such a bad guy. You are out of line. I see nothing in that post that suggests he is a bad guy. Sounds to me, as sad as it is for the poster, that he has simply come to the realization that she/her situation will not work with where he is, and what he is looking for, in his life. It is not a crime to come to that conclusion. That is life. He has probably been on the other end of that situation too, as we all have. I see nothing in the post about him ending it and then laughing and pointing at her and loving her pain. I think we would have heard about it if he was unpleasant. What on earth is this about him disrepecting her? What post are you reading? Yeah, I can hear you screaming at the monitior in your bitter voice "but he dumped her on New Years Day!" Yeah. And? Gives her a chance at a fresh start at the very beginning of the year. None of last year's trash being dragged into this year. Would you rather he kept her hanging for a while in a dead relationship just so it can be a day that is not a public holiday? Honestly, what would be the point? Like New Years Day actually means something. Come on. Personally I'd like to know about it the second a partner no longer wanted to be with me.
In Sync Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 You are making him out to be such a bad guy. You are out of line. I see nothing in that post that suggests he is a bad guy. Sounds to me, as sad as it is for the poster, that he has simply come to the realization that she/her situation will not work with where he is, and what he is looking for, in his life. It is not a crime to come to that conclusion. That is life. He has probably been on the other end of that situation too, as we all have. I see nothing in the post about him ending it and then laughing and pointing at her and loving her pain. I think we would have heard about it if he was unpleasant. What on earth is this about him disrepecting her? What post are you reading? Yeah, I can hear you screaming at the monitior in your bitter voice "but he dumped her on New Years Day!" Yeah. And? Gives her a chance at a fresh start at the very beginning of the year. None of last year's trash being dragged into this year. Would you rather he kept her hanging for a while in a dead relationship just so it can be a day that is not a public holiday? Honestly, what would be the point? Like New Years Day actually means something. Come on. Personally I'd like to know about it the second a partner no longer wanted to be with me. Oooohhhh, sounds like you're saying the same thing I am...hmmm? PS. why is telling her to move on making him out to sound like a bad guy to you? Did I write that he was a bad guy. AND maybe you have a tolerance level that is ok about a guy dumping you on New Year's Day. For you that's acceptable, huh? None of last year's trash being dragged into this year. Excuse me Unreg11111111111, Did you actually just refer to juliainoz or her bf, as last year's trash and then have the nerve to say I'm bitter???
Unreg11111111111 Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 Oooohhhh, sounds like you're saying the same thing I am...hmmm? I can assure you we are not. Did I write that he was a bad guy. Yes, you implied it all over: "YOUR JERK BOYFRIEND" "kick that man out your life for disrespecting you!" "Presents do not equal good character in a man." "He's letting you know his true colors and he's not going to change into a prince charming" "you were giving the bf an excuse for his behavior." "it's about not giving this guy an inch to disrespect you." Nothing in that post indicated that he did anything wrong at all. He is not a jerk. He did not disrespect her. There was no behaviour that needed excusing. His "true colors" are simply that he has realized things are not working out. That is no justification for calling his character into question. Excuse me Unreg11111111111, Did you actually just refer to juliainoz or her bf, as last year's trash and then have the nerve to say I'm bitter??? No I didn't. I wasn't referring to her or him. I was referring to the situation; the pain. Why drag the trash, the hurt, the baggage, of that situation any further into a fresh new year than is necessary? Again, I was not calling him trash. He did nothing wrong.
In Sync Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 To Unreg11111111111 We have a difference of opinion. Period. I think dumping someone on New Year's Day..a gf is disrespectful. If you don't think there is a right way or a wrong way to do something then live by your own rules. Doesn't mean I have to! For me it was a jerk's behavior. You don't see that fine. I also stand by my quotes: "YOUR JERK BOYFRIEND" "kick that man out your life for disrespecting you!" -TRUE "Presents do not equal good character in a man." -TRUE "He's letting you know his true colors and he's not going to change into a prince charming" - TRUE "you were giving the bf an excuse for his behavior." - TRUE "it's about not giving this guy an inch to disrespect you." -TRUE Also add to that list "dumping someone on New Year's Day is Mean-Spirited".
Unreg11111111111 Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 Wow, if dumping her on New Years Day is the the worst he has done I can see why she is upset for losing him. Sounds like a great guy. Actually, you know what? I'm starting to agree with you. It was wrong of him to dump her that day. You know why? Because he should have done it sooner. As soon as he knew. That is the most respectful thing he could have done for her. Holding it off just because it is a public holiday is not respectful, it is disrespectful. And silly. So yes, he should have told her before New Years Day. OH WAIT JUST A MINUTE! He did!! He dumped her before that day. He tried. Its just she didn't want to hear it. It seems to me you just have a problem with the fact he ended it. Period. You are calling him a jerk because he broke up with her. That's not fair. Hey juliainoz, I'm sorry. I feel like a bit sh*tty talking like this in your thread. Don't think I'm saying anything bad about you because I'm not. I feel for you and your situation. But he has split with you twice now. I think it is safe to say he feels the two of you are in places far enough apart that it will not work. Time is precious and there is no sense losing any more to this. You will of course meet someone new. It always happens. And one day it will be the right person
Author juliainoz Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 I just came on to express some of my pain - In no way I think he was a bad person. The only thing I was angry about is when I took him back last time, for the issue of me having a child, he promised me he would talk things through with me and see if we could find a solution rather than come to a rash decision. the thing is he didnt, and what i found hard was his promises of a future just 3 days before he ended it with me, but im not angry at him - i respect that it wasnt for him. Part of me is hoping that he looks and thinks she is still the one for me - ive got to find some ways of accepting her child, but then part of me is hoping that i get on with my life. When I saw him the other day when he came by with my stuff we decided it wasnt our time - even though we loved each other - it isnt enough as he isnt ready for children (meaning my child) - it isnt the character of my child - its just the factor that there is 2 of us not 1. I do thank him for not dragging it out, but i feel as it came on straight on, and that he didnt think about it that much, but thats ok, whats done is done.
ElizabethH Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Being a single mom with a son too.....It is a definite two-fer deal. The guy must love me AND my son....otherwise, it won't work! THere would be nothing worse than being between two males who have anger and jealousy between them. I'm sorry this is painful for you. But imagine what life might be like 5 years from now if your son and he had bad energy between them and you were stuck in the middle! YIKES!
clandestinidad Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 I'm a single mother too, of an almost 3yr old daughter. It is a 'package deal'. If someone needs to be coerced or pushed into accepting her, then theres something terribly wrong!! This is one of the reasons I broke up w/ my boyfriend. After a year of being together, he STILL wanted to act like my daughter wasnt in the picture. He had various ways of showing it, but the bottom line was that he did not want to have a relationship with her. I never wanted him to be her FATHER, but at least accept her and happily interact with her. He was always very uncomfortable around children, but claimed that he wanted to have some....yeah right! If you really want children, then youre not a rigid, boring, cardboard man when youre around them!! I know its hard right now, but you must look at this from the right angle. He did not accept your son, didnt want a relationship with him, and probably never will. If he doesnt yet, then its hopeless to wait for him to. It comes naturally to people when they want to. I know you fully love him, but he does not fully love you if he cannot accept your child. He has broken up with you b/c he is incapable of caring for your son......why make your son be around a man that may or may not ever care for him?! Sons need men who will spend time playing with them, teaching them various things, etc etc. Why deprive your son of what HE needs? This guy will hurt your son, I guarantee you. He already is by not being what he should be, and rejecting him. I know that there will be a man who has compassion and understanding, and the ability to care for a child who is not his own....b/c he will love me completely. My daughter and I will not settle for less. I wish that you can develop the same view. I know you might think, 'well, theres no one else' or 'no one wonderful will want me b/c I have a kid'.....but heres the thing: It is the wonderful ones who WILL love and care for the both of you, and there are men who are capable of such things.
travellingman Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 This is one issue that really concerns me if I do end up separated. No way I'll let someone else even show irritation with my daughter. I don't care if some woman thinks I'm "the one", because I'll be "the one that got away" if she ignores my child.
clandestinidad Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I totally agree w/ you TM....my ex would roll his eyes or get 'huffy' when my daughter complained or cried.....and got irritated when she yelled or squealed too!! What a jerk, huh! I hope you can find the strength, julia, to let this loser go and allow yourself to move on to better things. I suggest beginning NO CONTACT ASAP so that you can heal faster. Remove all reminders of him from your daily life....you'll think of him less. How are you doing by the way?? Whats going on?
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