Casch Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Between FwB and a Relationship I posted a personal ad on Craigslist at the end of August looking for a girl, for a serious relationship. This amazing girl responded. She's highly intelligent, motivated, going to college, funny, cute, witty, all wrapped up in a beautiful body. It's been 4 months, and I'm so in love with this girl it hurts. It hurts because she refuses to allow herself to be in a serious, monogamous relationship. She is, and has been seeing a few other guys (including her ex). She recently stopped having sex with her ex, because she felt bad for using him for it. I have never been comfortable with her dating the other guys, but I'm so smitten with her that I tolerate it hoping that in time she will be ready for monogamy. I have told her how I feel. How much I love her, even that I could marry her. One of us just doesn't get it. I don't know what kind of relationship we even have. It's more than a Friends with Benefits scenario. At least it is to me. But what is between Friends with bennies, and monogamy? She's very affectionate. When we kiss, when we are together in bed, it's more than just fulfilling superficial sexual needs. But she can go from being sweet and affectionate with me to talking to me about one of the other guys so fluidly. She tells me she misses me all the time, when we haven't seen eachother for a couple days. She says to me, "I like you." Which is just such a tease. She told me she once nearly told a guy on the phone at work "My boyfriend lives there!" when he told her he lived in the same city as me. Talk about mixed signals... She tells me that she doesn't want monogamy with anybody right now because she doesn't want her heart broken again. She says she doesn't want to lose sight of her job and education when she's doing so well in life right now. I would do anything for this girl. I drove her from Portland to Seattle and back just the other week so that she could catch a plane to california with her dad. I took care of her when she was sick with bronchitis last week. Whenever she needs me, I am there, and I live 40 miles (an hour) away. Until recently, we were planning on getting an apartment together. That was until I realised that the only reason I was willing to tolerate her bringing home other guys was that I was hoping living together would accelerate our relationship and she wouldn't have the desire to date other guys. When I thought about how much it would kill me if she started a monogamous relationship with another guy while we were living together, I realised how bad an idea it all was. I need to get past this girl. I don't want to cut her out of my life completely, because she really is a great person and friend...but I hurt so bad. I can't get her out of my head. I don't understand what she wants from me, or why she can't love me. I don't know what to do anymore...
blackendangel13 Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 IMHO I think you need to let her go. She will never settle for monogamy with you. I just got out of a very hurtful FWB situation. It was with my ex boyfriend and he acted the same way you are saying she acts. He is hot one minute when we are together and then cold the next. I really thought I could change him and the situation but I couldn't. I took what was left of my broken heart and walked away. Its so hard to walk away twice and even harder to stay in a FWB situation with someone (especially if you were a couple before). You obviously want more than she will ever be willing to give you. Sorry its not what you want to hear but its what I have been living with for 6 months so I know your pain.
itwontdawnsooner Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 staying in these types of situations is about clinging to hope that usually you look back on and think how did i take so much poison? shes been hurt, so shes inadvertely hurting you. its a vicious cycle, but you have to see this for yourself - we can advise you. but you have to see it, and you know much more of the story than we do. be strong, and do what you know is right when you sit down and think by yourself for a while.
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