I ended a friendship because he wouldn't have an affair with

[Lostgirl101]

So I’ll start from the beginning and try and keep it short. This guy I met at 14 and instantly felt something deep and unique about him. I was introduced to him by my best friend at a party, as her then bf. It was a meaningless 14 year old “relationship” and they didn’t do much more than kiss, and they lasted a week or two. Somehow, after they broke up we remained friends, and we became closer and closer though back then there was always this element that nothing could happen because of my friend. Back then she still very much liked him but he showed little or no interest in her, yet we would talk for hours all day everyday. 
 

when we got to 18 I felt as if we was heading somewhere, how conversations had felt a little flirty and he began to call me sexy. Anyway one night, I stayed home and I remember having the feeling that was friend was with him. She was now in a new relationship but I couldn’t shake this feeling. I went to bed and didn’t check my phone. When I awake I saw messages from him the night before asking if I wanted to meet up. And lots of missed calls from my friend, I rang her back and she told me she had just came back from his and they slept together. She was so happy, she longed for it. I was happy for her but also remember having a knot in my stomach. I put the phone down and cried, I felt angry that he had used me for years to get close to her, or that he made me think we was going somewhere then slept with my friend. And I knew this meant we could never ever be anything now. He then texted me and said he was sorry he slept with her and it was a mistake. We didn’t speak again after this. At 19 me and him both got into serious relationships and ended up getting married, we lost complete contact but I often thought of him. 
 

6 years into our marriage he messages me out the blue, I was happy to hear from him and we had a lot to catch up on. We was such close friends time didn’t feel to have changed anything. After I felt we had spoke all we needed I said my goodbyes and wished him well, only he never really went and would message me on and off from one week to the next. This was 2016, and by 2020 we were arranging to meet through excuses. He helped fix my car, I helped him move in ect. By 2021 we were sending sexual photos and videos and talking of a sexual chemistry between us. Cutting along story short I wanted more and he refused. He said that what we have is worth more than sex and he respects me and his relationship too much. I accepted and we continued as friends, and I never spoke out of line again. The pictures also stopped. 2023 he randomly told me he loved me, he said he had fell in love with his best friend, and offered to pick me up when I was out one night. We then slept together. It was so passionate and was literally 15 years of built up chemistry. 
 

it has happened another 2 times since, so not many times in the space of 15 months. On the 2nd time I ended up pregnant. It was his. I was worried to tell him as I thought he’d be mad but he wasn’t. He didn’t communicate as much as I’d of liked and almost ignored me. I aborted the baby and he wasn’t around to help. I will forever have anger and upset with him for that, and I have truly never felt the same for him since. We did get back to being good friends though, but I think I got more attached. I feel the sex and the pregnancy pushed this, and as I was getting more attached he was becoming more distant. He has never met me alone only the first and second time we slept together, and sex was never preplanned it just happened. He has said he doesn’t regret it and he’s glad it happened but knows it’s wrong and he can’t arrange to meet me, bcus he loves his wife. He has said his family will always come first and has proved this. 
 

in may we met up, with friends. After the night out I asked to see him alone as friends. He said it was wrong and we can’t have an affair. I got angry as I didn’t and wasn’t asking for sex, I just wanted some time just me and him bud he always refuses. But will text me all day everyday, but we can’t have any real time together. I got upset and he reminded me I wasn’t his gf. I blocked him to clear my head and returned 3 months later. He said I was rude for leaving but let me back. After a week or two I didn’t hear from him, even though he was u blocked, so I messaged and asked when he’d stop sulking. He then rang me and shouted, he has never shouted at me not even whilst I was pregnant. He said he was busy and called me an emotional wreck. I blocked him without replying and that was 4 months ago. If he wanted to contact me it would be easy enough. He has really hurt me, and I’m not sure how I feel about anything. 

[stillafool]

Have you divorced your husband yet?

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

I feel the sex and the pregnancy pushed this, and as I was getting more attached he was becoming more distant.

There is nothing like an unplanned pregnancy to remind a man that he needs to maintain an appropriate boundary with another woman… He likely saw his life flash before his eyes and that’s why he has pulled back. 
 

5 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

in may we met up, with friends. After the night out I asked to see him alone as friends. He said it was wrong and we can’t have an affair.

Why you would settle for a “friendship” a man who is so inconsistent and disrespectful is beyond me…

You clearly want more - but he has told you, there is no more. He is married to another woman and he does not want to betray his family again. You need to respect that. The next time that he gets bored and sends you a text - don’t reply. I think you need to find the self respect to stop settling for whatever attention he decides to send your way…
 

5 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

If he wanted to contact me it would be easy enough. He has really hurt me, and I’m not sure how I feel about anything. 

Personally, I would be done. To be clear, I wouldn’t end the relationship because he wouldn’t have an affair with me. I would end the friendship because I refuse to be part of an affair and I will not tolerate this kind of disrespect from a man. 

Edited August 8, 2024 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

 

Quote

I got upset and he reminded me I wasn’t his gf. I blocked him to clear my head and returned 3 months later. He said I was rude for leaving but let me back. After a week or two I didn’t hear from him, even though he was u blocked, so I messaged and asked when he’d stop sulking. He then rang me and shouted, he has never shouted at me not even whilst I was pregnant. He said he was busy and called me an emotional wreck. I blocked him without replying and that was 4 months ago.

This is very unhealthy behavior in any relationship. 

Your best decision would be to walk away and get some counselling. You have made some poor decisions here and poor decisions tend to bring pain and suffering…

Edited August 8, 2024 by BaileyB

[basil67]

Forgive me if I've misread, but I see no mention of your own divorce.   Why haven't you divorced your husband?

Edited August 8, 2024 by basil67

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

When I awake I saw messages from him the night before asking if I wanted to meet up. And lots of missed calls from my friend, I rang her back and she told me she had just came back from his and they slept together. She was so happy, she longed for it. I was happy for her but also remember having a knot in my stomach.

Did you ever tell your friend you were involved with her ex boyfriend?

[Lostgirl101]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

There is nothing like an unplanned pregnancy to remind a man that he needs to maintain an appropriate boundary with another woman… He likely saw his life flash before his eyes and that’s why he has pulled back. 

Definitely, I saw my life flash too. But he couldn’t have been too concerned seen as he tried for sex on several occasions afterwards which I refused, and we have had sex once since. Although part of me thinks he thinks, oh well if it happens again she will sort the problem. He of course said lots of lovely stuff over the years, more lovely than not. It’s how this whole thing come about. How in his best friend, and he’s fell in love with me, how if life was different we could be something, how he’d never want to lose me, how he wishes we could do all the things we want to do. This forum is just never long enough to write 8 years worth of experience 

[ExpatInItaly]

Why are you still married, OP? 

[Lostgirl101]

13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

There is nothing like an unplanned pregnancy to remind a man that he needs to maintain an appropriate boundary with another woman… He likely saw his life flash before his eyes and that’s why he has pulled back. 
 

Why you would settle for a “friendship” a man who is so inconsistent and disrespectful is beyond me…

You clearly want more - but he has told you, there is no more. He is married to another woman and he does not want to betray his family again. You need to respect that. The next time that he gets bored and sends you a text - don’t reply. I think you need to find the self respect to stop settling for whatever attention he decides to send your way…
 

Personally, I would be done. To be clear, I wouldn’t end the relationship because he wouldn’t have an affair with me. I would end the friendship because I refuse to be part of an affair and I will not tolerate this kind of disrespect from a man. 

Being done it so easily said, but the afterlife without him leaves a huge hole and it’s filled with so many negative emotions. I truly feel like I am coming off addiction, I haven’t genuinely smiled or laughed since things have ended between us. I feel lost without him but I know we could never be. I’m not sure if I ruined what we had and I should have remained friends with frequent contact or if it was right to leave. I know morally it was, but I didn’t leave for morals I left because I wasn’t getting the time I wanted from him. I’m not sure how he feels now and that hurts too, after such a lovely friendship it’s just so sad it ended so abruptly in anger from both of us. 

Edited August 9, 2024 by Lostgirl101

[Lostgirl101]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

Did you ever tell your friend you were involved with her ex boyfriend?

We wasn’t involved, we was close friends and yes she was aware we was close friends. No one knows of our recent sexual relationship but she knows we was back talking again as friends. She is now married with children and has no interest in him. 

[BaileyB]

Indeed, why are you still married? 

 

[Lostgirl101]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Indeed, why are you still married? 

 

Why would I leave my marriage? How would I be happier divorced? Lots of happy working marriages have affairs. In a lot of ways affairs improve relationships. It’s hard for one singular person to provide every need for themselves and the other person, especially if they have children. The needs for the husband goes after the children, and usually an affair partner fills that. I’m not saying it right or moral, but it’s facts. I love my husband, but emotionally I’ve never been as close to him as this old friend. It feels like when you have a second child, it does take away love, new loves just forms. It’s actually not a nice place to be and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m now trying to heal, and process the past few years. I have gave my self 12 months , I know it’s going to be rough and learning to live without him again is hard but it’s doing able. Everyday I’m away from him I feel more and more stupid for what I took part in. I just wonder why you are here; I have been a silent lurker on here for a while and I notice it’s the same selection of people who comment. You are clearly anti affair, what’s your connection to affair that’s bring you here so often? 

[BaileyB]

This is a message board where people come to post questions and other people reply. 

I’m curious to know if your husband has consented to be in an open relationship because you seem to have made that decision for him and justified your reasons for doing that. 

Edited August 9, 2024 by BaileyB

[Lostgirl101]

2 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

We wasn’t involved, we was close friends and yes she was aware we was close friends. No one knows of our recent sexual relationship but she knows we was back talking again as friends. She is now married with children and has no interest in him. 

What he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him. I’m sure he has secrets, we have been married 18 years. Unfortunately life isn’t a fairytale. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Lostgirl101 said:

What he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him. I’m sure he has secrets, we have been married 18 years. Unfortunately life isn’t a fairytale. 

No, life isn’t a fairy tale. Sometimes affair partners walk away…

The entitlement here is off the charts. 

[Lostgirl101]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, life isn’t a fairy tale. Sometimes affair partners walk away…

The entitlement here is off the charts. 

I’m a big believer of what will be will be. I believe god has a plan for all of us. I don’t know what the future holds but I just go with it. 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

Lots of happy working marriages have affairs.

No, they don’t.

 

3 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

In a lot of ways affairs improve relationships.

That’s patently false. Affairs are, by definition, acts of deception, breaking of a promise. It’s impossible to improve something that is intrinsically based on trust and requires trust to work (relationship) by doing something that undermines and destroys that trust. 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

What he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him. I’m sure he has secrets, we have been married 18 years. Unfortunately life isn’t a fairytale. 

Exactly. But you seem to think that it is a fairly tale. A fairy tale where you do whatever you want and consequences never follow.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

I’m a big believer of what will be will be. I believe god has a plan for all of us. I don’t know what the future holds but I just go with it. 

What you appear to believe in can be described as fatalism or determinism. These philosophical teachings are incompatible with the Christian view of God.

Do you think God condones marital infidelity?

[mark clemson]

Maybe just look for other friends instead of insisting on attention from someone who no longer wants to give it to you?

Perhaps not as "emotionally satisfying' as more time with this guy and/or contrition or whatever your looking for from him, but honestly it seems like "moving on" from this fling with an old friend (with unfortunate results) is the straightforward thing to do.

While inherently unethical, whether undiscovered affairs help or hurt marriages is of course a matter of opinion.

Edited August 9, 2024 by mark clemson

[Lostgirl101]

Thank you for the response. I have throughly read them and take them on board. I’m not sure why I’m really here, I guess I feel I’ve let go, but to let my heart let him go I feel I need some kind of closure. I feel like I’ve been in constant state of confusion our whole friendship, from 14 until now. Was we friends, was we something more. I have so many questions I feel I just need to know the answers too even if they are hard to hear. I guess I was just looking for a man who has been in a similar position to shed some light on it. I mean, I’m not even sure what to call it. It wasn’t even worthy of being called an affair. We was just friends, who had an  unplanned ine jight stand a few times. Part of me feels like I’ve lost my best friend and I was the one in the wrong, and the other half thinks he’s encouraged me to get to this point and that’s unfair, and I should no longer continue with his games. 

[Lostgirl101]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

What you appear to believe in can be described as fatalism or determinism. These philosophical teachings are incompatible with the Christian view of God.

Do you think God condones marital infidelity?

I’m not getting into a debate on whether it was wrong, I think we all know it was wrong. 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, Lostgirl101 said:

I feel like I’ve been in constant state of confusion our whole friendship, from 14 until now.

Yes, you have a very unhealthy relationship with this man. 
 

31 minutes ago, Lostgirl101 said:

It wasn’t even worthy of being called an affair.

It was an affair. To call it a “friendship” is not accurate - it is an attempt to minimize the relationship and make it more socially acceptable. 
 

33 minutes ago, Lostgirl101 said:

To let my heart let him go I feel I need some kind of closure.

You have your closure - he is married to another woman. He has told you in as many words that he has chosen his family and he has distanced himself from you. That is closure. You are just not yet able to accept that. 

 

 

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, Lostgirl101 said:

I’m not getting into a debate on whether it was wrong, I think we all know it was wrong. 

I think it’s a fair comment in response to your comment that “God has a plan for us all.” 

[NuevoYorko]

I am pretty sure "god" doesn't plan affairs for people.  That's pretty farfetched.