'Moving too fast' but I think there are other issues. What would you do?

[harnold]

Been seeing a Latina girl for 3 months. It's been really great, no drama, amazing connection, and the only real concern being that she moves a little faster than I do. It's come up a few times in the past, and I think she has reservations about how 'serious' we are, and where this is 'going', but she doesnt seem willing to address it outright. Perhaps she's afraid to push me away, is my best guess, as Im generally a pretty aloof guy and somewhat non-commital (but very loyal nonetheless). She's always planning stuff for us, much moreso than me. But things are great when we're together. Shes a bit clingy, but not in an 'insecure' clingy kinda way. Just, a very attached type.

 

To make a long story short, she recently managed to get her family over here from Colombia. As in, within the past 2 weeks. Her pops and her younger sister. This is something shes been trying to do since she came here 5 years ago, and it finally happened. Im really happy she managed to swing it, but it comes with alot of stress and anxiety as well. Her father needs work immediately, her sister is 8 and doesnt speak English and is having trouble assimilating, and obviously its an economic burden as they all moved in with her. It's all the more stressful since shes 24 and not exactly financially stable. She suffers from intense anxiety, and oftentimes she'll need to leave the room due to panic attacks and needing to cool down. Her family being here, while amazing, is also an added source of stress for her that shes still dealing with.

 

So thats some backstory.

 

Anyway, she calls me today wanting to talk. She wasnt very communicative, and it was like pulling teeth getting her to say what she was feeling, but eventually she said we were 'moving too fast'. And that she feels tremendous anxiety and pressure recently. The irony of all this being that Im never the one initiating plans with her, and often find myself stressed out trying to make time with her, but whatever. Im under the impression she doesnt really know what shes feeling, and just kind of said whatever came to mind at the moment.

 

Anyway, I asked her what she wanted to do about it, if she wanted to spend less time with each other, and eventually she tactitly said 'yes'. She told me shes afraid of catching feelings for me, doesnt wanna hurt me, etc. I told her I accept her decision, its not what I want, but I dont want to force someone to hang w me if they dont wanna hang w me / I dont want to contribute to anyone's anxiety, etc. She kind of backed off on the whole idea of spending less time eventually, and said she doesnt wanna stop talking and seeing me. But I kind of stood firm and told her she / we should take a few days to see how we feel after. She seemed surprised by my nonchalance, telling me she wishes I would try to 'convince' her to stay. And she seemed bother by how 'okay' i was with all this. I reitterated how I felt about her, but also I dont want to pressure anyone to hang w me if they dont want to.

 

I have a very take it or leave it attitude in general, and am a bit cold / distant at times, but when we're together, I'm very sweet and warm. And we're always crazy affectionate, more than Ive ever been with anyone else. Just wanted to address this as a counterpoint to me being the distant type.

 

Anyway, just wanted some thoughts. My gut is that the whole 'moving too fast' is just a way for her to express her general feeling of unease with us. And that she really just wants some commitment from me but is afraid to ask for it. But idk.

 

How did I react? Was I too cold a fish? What would you guys advise? I'm not sure if things are 'over' as much as they are 'we'll see what happens', but that depends on how willing either of us are to reach back out to each other.  As she was the one who initiated this, I was initialing planning to leave the ball in her court.  Part of me wants to reach out because I felt I was a little cold in our exchange, but idk if thats appropriate.  Thanks ahead of time for your responses.

[ExpatInItaly]

43 minutes ago, harnold said:

Im generally a pretty aloof guy and somewhat non-commital

 

43 minutes ago, harnold said:

Im never the one initiating plans with her,

 

43 minutes ago, harnold said:

I have a very take it or leave it attitude in general, and am a bit cold / distant at times

OP, you're very likely giving her the impression that you aren't that into her. You needed to show a little initiative yourself, and not express warmth or interest just when you're together. If you aren't into her, that's one thing. But if you are, you need to pull your socks up a bit here and show her that. Not many women are going to stick around with a man who seems indifferent. 

So the question is  do you actually want to continue dating her? Why are you so reluctant to express more consistent interest? 

Edited August 3, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[harnold]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

 

OP, you're very likely giving her the impression that you aren't that into her. You needed to show a little initiative yourself, and not express warmth or interest just when you're together. If you aren't into her, that's one thing. But if you are, you need to pull your socks up a bit here and show her that. Not many women are going to stick around with a man who seems indifferent. 

So the question is  do you actually want to continue dating her? Why are you so reluctant to express more consistent interest? 

I do want to continue dating her. But seeing as how she opened the conversation under the premise that "we're moving too fast", it felt inappropriate to tell her how I feel.  And although I do feel like the "we're moving too fast" was not really the point I was trying to get across, it was kind of etched into the back of my mind the whole time we were talking, and it definitely set the tone for my responses.  Does that make sense?  That said, if I put myself in her shoes, and all the pressure shes under with her family now here, I can see how the added pressure of a romantic relationship could be 'synonymous' with general feelings of being smothered, pressured, "having too much on your plate at once", etc.  Maybe I took those initial words too literally.  Idk

 

To your point, I dont know why I'm reluctant.  I'm not seeing anyone else and dont want to see anyone else, and Ive told her that. Fear of letting people in, I suppose

[Gebidozo]

OP, I think this one is a no-brainer. Of course you should reach out. That is, if you really want to.

Are you sure you really want to be together with this girl? If so, never hesitate to reach out. It’s not only “appropriate”, it’s the only natural thing to do when you want to have contact with the other person (unless, of course, the other person explicitly asked you not to reach out). 

Also, call me old-fashioned, but I think it’s natural when the man is a bit more active and initiates more. In your case, however, you appear to be the more distant, passive partner. Your GF probably doesn’t find that attractive.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, harnold said:

Fear of letting people in, I suppose

You need to work on this, or you are going to miss out on relationship opportunities. 

You can take her word that you two are moving too fast, but understand that your hesitation to show interest is almost certainly part of the problem. I am not saying this specific woman is necessarily right for you, but in the future, you may find yourself high and dry if you hold back too much in dating. We ladies aren't going to hang around long for a man who seems like he doesn't care if we stay or go. 

[Gebidozo]

8 minutes ago, harnold said:

But seeing as how she opened the conversation under the premise that "we're moving too fast", it felt inappropriate to tell her how I feel.

It’s always appropriate to tell a woman that you want to be with her. That is, if you really feel that way.

Just reach out to her and tell her that you accept her decision to move slower, but you do want to be with her, you aren’t giving up on her.

[Gaeta]

Your girlfriend tells you she feels burden by her new responsabilities, have you asked how you can help?  Sounds like she likes you but you are an additional burden on top of everything else as you don't organize dates or think ahead for the sake of the relationship or her sake.

Have you met her father and sister? Do you know what she needs? Do you know what would help her? A man is suppose to unburden his lady, not add on top of it.

After 3 months a relationship is suppose to solidify not go slack. 

Edited August 3, 2024 by Gaeta

[harnold]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Your girlfriend tells you she feels burden by her new responsabilities, have you asked how you can help?  Sounds like she likes you but you are an additional burden on top of everything else as you don't organize dates or think ahead for the sake of the relationship or her sake.

Have you met her father and sister? Do you know what she needs? Do you know what would help her? A man is suppose to unburden his lady, not add on top of it.

After 3 months a relationship is suppose to solidify not go slack. 

My interpretation of the burden is moreso the uncertainty of where we stand.  She has been texting me a lot of lovey dovey stuff recently and Ive been kinda brushing past it recently. Which I guess kind of factors in to what you said in he first paragraph.

 

I have not asked how I can help.  Damn.  I did help her assemble some furniture for her new family, + buy her sister a few toys to make her feel welcome, which was very appreciated.  And I did meet the sister.  The father I have not met yet, only because he hasn't been around, but I was planning to at the next opportunity.  but I dont think I explicitly asked

 

I really like your advice.

[smackie9]

We desire more what we can't have and this is the driving force behind her behaviour towards you....if you stop being so aloof, and participated more in planning dates, etc....she wouldn't be moving so fast with the affection, etc. Women are happier and more relaxed when they feel desired.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, harnold said:

The father I have not met yet, only because he hasn't been around,

One caution - keep in mind that we often view meeting the parents as symbolically taking a new step towards commitment in a relationship. I am not saying this means you have to run out and get married, but she is likely to view this as a more significant and meaningful gesture from you. 

Are you prepared to date this woman more seriously? If not, don't meet her father. It will confuse the hell out of her. 

[PT189]

Really, if she's into you her pressures in life would want her to spend more time with you. 
Instead she's moving away.

To answer your question, I'd simply call it a day.