badfriend Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 I broke up with my ex of 13 years about 2 years ago. We have kept up a friendship where I saw her a few times a week. Mostly we watched tv together. She's very much into herself, depressed. A lot of the reasons I broke up with her were because she was unmotivated and unable to deal with her life and wouldn't get therapy. Anyway, about 3 months ago I began a new relationship, the first serious relationship that I have had since we broke up. I knew that hanging out so much with my ex wouldn't fly. And part me was happy to cut some more chords. So, I've hung out less with her, the last time 2 weeks went by between visits. Everything is great in my new relationship but a few days ago my ex's mother ended up in the hospital, in the ICU. I want to help my ex but I also don't want to be caught up in it as I was the last time this happened 10 years ago. I was at the hospital as much as my job allowed. This is now and I don't want to be a bad friend, but I am practically the only friend she has. She's starting to fall apart from the stress and I don't know what to do. She calls for support and I can listen, I've been to the hospital a couple of times. I don't want to cross any lines and part of me feels like she needs to stand on her own. The one thing I am committed to is that it's not going to get in the way of my new relationship. I really don't know how much to be there for her I guess.
Walk Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Where's the rest of your ex's family? They are the ones she needs to lean on, not you. The two of you broke up, it happens. I get the feeling you're only sticking around because of guilt. As soon as the mother is out of critical condition, cut the cord with the ex. I think you're enabling your ex to continue feeling sorry for herself. Not only is this going to cause harm in her life, by not allowing her to move on. But also potentially destroying the new life you are attempting to create. You're allowing her to use you as a crutch, a support, instead of finding strength within herself. She'll continue to use you as long as you allow it. She won't find anyone new, she won't be forced to confront her life, and who she is. It's not fair to her, and it's not fair to you. Cut the cord.
cest moi Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 have u talked about this with ur current relationship? you should see how she feels about it and make sure she knows shes #1. an ex of 13 yrs can be VERY intimidating.. my fiances ex is of 7 yrs and i still get intimidated sometimes.
badfriend Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 thanks for your replies. I guess yeah that guilt is what has me going over there and I have long suspected that letting this go on with my ex was preventing her from moving on. It's good to hear it. I don't want to be her crutch. I spent the weekend at my new gfs and it felt good to be away from the whole situation. My ex doesn't have any family to rely on. Her brother is a loser who is useless in these situations. I have spoken to my new gf about this. I don't think she is too thrilled with the idea of our friendship but she's not said don't do this or that. She did mention that I did not need to be there for my ex that it was no longer something that I needed to do, support her emotionally. I let her know she's my priority and i also follow through with my actions.
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