SeatPanda Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 My fiance of 2 (almost 3) years and significant other of 4 (almost 5) years recently broke off our relationship, asking for the ring back and everything. I made lots of mistakes, including asking for a few of my things back when we were only separated (is this really a signal that I wanted to end it for good? I just wanted a few things back), giving him back some of his laundry (including underwear that his coworkers saw on accident and now harass him about constantly), letting a friend know by accident something about his sexual nature, and asking his mom for advice about our relationship. Now he is saying I have no more second chances, that I did everything wrong and that all I have tried has only been a failure, including trying to do makeup, my hair, etc. He also said that it was obvious I was doing nothing to plan our own wedding, that I had no interest. How do I prove to him that I was interested? The reason I didn't do the small details yet was because we were planning on marrying after graduation and that was over 3 years away ... what do you think? Things weren't like this before. We had a wonderful relationship for 4 of the 5 years, things have just gotten stressful these past few months. We are both in the same college, and we both have jobs as RAs in the dorms. We take a lot of credit hours also. So I figure that had a lot to do with it. We fell into a rut and barely did much, but that I felt was because we didn't have time or money to do fun stuff. Apparently I should have tried harder. I also fell into the "nice girl" syndrome, which made him lose a lot of respect for me. And now our relationship is seemingly over. I have pleaded with him to take me back ... cried to him, tried to dress up nice and ask him to go out just for fun. He won't even do that. Yet he continues to express that he cares about me - he called me to make sure I wasn't part of a big accident he saw, he tried to get his parents to help me pay for getting my wisdom teeth out ... he even said he loves me still, but that love isn't enough. He seems to think that maybe he is doing the right thing for me? Yet I made so many mistakes that I just don't know. If it helps to show how confusing this is ... I asked him once, "don't you realize what you're losing?" and he wrote, "Well, I realize what I'm losing. My hope is that one day what I lost turns into something I am sad to have missed out on, as then I will have been proven right and my loss will have been for something - you. " He seems to think I'd be better off without him, yet he also makes it seem like I was the one who made him not want to be with him anymore. What should I do? How can I win his heart back? I believe in God and I believe God is giving me signs that he is my destiny. That being known, should I just let it go? Or should I try more aggressive approaches to winning him back? His mom and I are good friends, and I get along with his family very well (his mom even offered to let me wear her wedding dress) - should I break off relations with them? This is the man of my dreams, and he was my best friend, and I just don't know if I should let him go. He is right, the past few months were nothing but fighting, but things were so beautiful before. Let him go, and figure that things change? Or try to get things back to what they were before? He says that I should try other guys, or become lesbian - that I can't say he is wonderful without having something to compare to (we were both each others' first relationship) ... but I feel like ... if it is already wonderful, why give it up and try something else? I am so confused. Love is so hard sometimes! Any advice is welcome. I apologize if this is not the best written post in the world, I am not the best with words and I am still heartbroken and my thoughts are still mixed up. I'm sure I forgot something...
Author SeatPanda Posted January 1, 2006 Author Posted January 1, 2006 Is it too late now that I've been begging him to come back a few times, crying on the phone, making him banana bread, etc.? Or can I still try no contact, is it too late? I'm trying the whole independence thing, enjoying my life and hanging out with friends, and trying not to get depressed, but it is so tempting to try to contact him ...
slubberdegullion Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 In order for him to miss you, then NC is really the only way. Yes, it's hard, and yes, it's a risk, but I personally don't really see any other options at this point. As well, since this is your first serious relationship, you are bound to make mistakes as individuals and as a couple. And while it's not unheard of for first relationships to blossom into a life-long commitment, it's relatively uncommon. Learning about relationship dynamics is an ongoing process, even for us old fogies (I've just been through a minor break-up myself, and I'm in my mid-40s!) so to expect everything to always go swimmingly really isn't rational or realistic. But one thing is absolutely correct: Love is hard.
Author SeatPanda Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 Should I tell him I'm going to NC? i.e., should I call him and say, "you're right, I will not contact you anymore, but you are free to contact me" or something like that? For example, on one forum topic, GL 44 wrote "At the end of the week I was so ashamed I thought I'll just give closure to myself if she won't give it to me so left a message, " If someone won't talk to you and won't make an effort to contact you then obviously they want you to go away. That's what I'm doing. It's over. Your probably wondering why I don't go find another girl and leave you alone. Well, that's what I'm going to do. Take care. It's been fun"." Or should I just not contact him whatsoever? Not even to tell him I'm not contacting him?
slubberdegullion Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Tough decision, but I think it's only fair that you tell him that you'll be withdrawing from contact for a period of time, so he knows what's going on. I wouldn't invite him to contact you, though, until he's made some hard decisions. You probably don't want him contacting you just to shoot the general breeze.
Author SeatPanda Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 Tough decision, but I think it's only fair that you tell him that you'll be withdrawing from contact for a period of time, so he knows what's going on. I wouldn't invite him to contact you, though, until he's made some hard decisions. You probably don't want him contacting you just to shoot the general breeze. Well, he has basically quit contacting to shoot the general breeze, but I've also told him before that I was not going to contact him and then I didn't, so how can I put it so that he can see that I'm truly serious about this, and how can I put it so that it seems like I'm not completely moving away from him, but just not contacting him and making myself a better person? I wish I knew the right words to say ... and should I still contact his parents? You are very helpful. Thank you!
Author SeatPanda Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 How does this sound as an email? I don't know that the phone would be the best place ... Dear Him, I have been far too pushy these past few weeks, actually for the past few months. I just couldn't let you go - I thought I could do something, anything to bring you back. But now I see that you really just want me to leave you alone. All that I am doing is causing you pain and holding you back. So I am withdrawing from contacting you, because I believe that I need to let you go and do your own thing, as I will do mine. Any contact in the future will need to come from you - but the best thing I can do for you at this point, I think, is to let you move on. It's been fun, and I've loved being with you. I will still contact your parents, as I still feel close to them, but I will not push you anymore. Right now I need to focus on bettering myself and you need to focus on your own endeavors. I wish you the best of luck, Me
slubberdegullion Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Really quick edit: Dear Him, I realized that I have been far too pushy these past few weeks, actually for the past few months. I just couldn't let you go, but now I see that you really just want me to leave you alone. So I am withdrawing from contacting you, because I believe that I need to let you go and do your own thing, as I will do mine. Any contact in the future will need to come from you - but the best thing I can do for you at this point is to let you move on. It's been fun, and I've loved being with you. I will still contact your parents, as I still feel close to them, but I will not push you anymore. Right now I need to focus on bettering myself and you need to focus on your own endeavors. Just some very minor changes, but in essence I think it's quite good. Now, I still believe that a face-to-face or phone conversation would be better, but sometimes that's just not possible. Good luck. You're going to be fine.
ElizabethH Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Oh SeatPanda-- I'm so sorry that you're going through this! It is awfully hard! I think I'd contact him in some way--phone or in person better and say what you have to say...like in the letter. It's the only way. And then how about you plan some kind of summer job overseas? Get out of dodge for three months. Tell his mom when your plans are secure. That way you'll be showing him that you are getting on with your life and...YOU WILL be getting on with your life. You know, these are the situations when a belief in God does help. If you are meant to be together in the long run you will be. But as for now, I'd say my bit and then NO CONTACT. You can do it! Be strong. Good things await you! I'm 45 and have been through this a time or two...life does get better as you get older (though I can't imagine the 90's). And when you get through a time like you are going through you'll see that you actually end up on a moutaintop! Valleys come before mountains!
Author SeatPanda Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 Oh SeatPanda-- I'm so sorry that you're going through this! It is awfully hard! I think I'd contact him in some way--phone or in person better and say what you have to say...like in the letter. It's the only way. And then how about you plan some kind of summer job overseas? Get out of dodge for three months. Tell his mom when your plans are secure. That way you'll be showing him that you are getting on with your life and...YOU WILL be getting on with your life. You know, these are the situations when a belief in God does help. If you are meant to be together in the long run you will be. But as for now, I'd say my bit and then NO CONTACT. You can do it! Be strong. Good things await you! I'm 45 and have been through this a time or two...life does get better as you get older (though I can't imagine the 90's). And when you get through a time like you are going through you'll see that you actually end up on a moutaintop! Valleys come before mountains! Thanks Actually, I am studying abroad this summer in Spain, which I think will help with the whole independence thing a lot ... I'm inspired by your comments and I really think this will work out in the end. I think we are meant to be, but that I need to work on being a whole person on my own first. I have to say though, the no contact thing is alreay really hard, especially when he responded to the above note I created, "Oh, there were things, you just never had the right combination at the right time. But I appreciate the gesture and hope this will make it easier for me to move on. Good bye." (is that a bad sign or something to be expected?) and by telling me that yet another of our joint friends is engaged (it seems like everyone is these days, ugh! ) I hope I have wisdom like you guys do when I'm your age ... and it's good to hear it from you now.
livinlifetofullest Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 If I'm going to start NC, I'll just do it, and not give him/her an explanation. That way, he/she will be left wondering what the heck happened, giving him/her more leeway to miss you. Slubberdeguillion, I don't think you should send the letter. In an objective point of view, it sounds quite cheesy, and if he already lost interest and moved on, it will drive him further away. Act strong and just do it. I don't think he deserves an explanation once you initiate no contact because it was him who wanted you to leave him alone anyway.
J dub Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 If I'm going to start NC, I'll just do it, and not give him/her an explanation. That way, he/she will be left wondering what the heck happened, giving him/her more leeway to miss you. Damn right, by telling them your intentions to stop talking to them is thereby eliminating all possibility to add some mystery to your personality. Mystery is intriguing, it interests all of us in some way. Let it work in your favor, dont tell the ex your plan. What's the point? It makes more sense to just suddenly fall off the face and let them wonder about ya.
Passagefromchurch Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 The best thing I can tell you from my experience which was reiterated in church is to live in the moment. Live in the present. Don't think about the past relationship as it will only drag you down. Don't think in the future about the relationship because you cannot predict the future and it may not happen. Therefore, you have to live in the moment for yourself and sanity. Yes, there will be times when you find yourself thinking about your ex. However, you need to find the strength and wisdom within yourself to get you past these times. Just take care of making yourself a better person and you will find yourself healing everyday. Good luck.
Author SeatPanda Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 I already sent the letter :0/ Now he has a livejournal post that says, "This is not a normal topic for this space, but I am in a conundrum. I have three girls I am interested in dating. " and wondering what he should do ... Yet last night he contacted me for no reason just to ask about something I think he already knew ... do you think he is really moving on, or just trying to make me feel jealous, or...?
ElizabethH Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Hi Panda-- I had a feeling you'd be travelling abroad! How your guy responded to your letter is not a hopeful sign. If you really think he's the one, then he has a lot of realizing to do to see that you are the one. No Contact is the only way. It could be that after he goes out with a girl or two he'll miss things about you. But he needs that experience. You must have faith that life will give you him or better. And try not to obsess about that dude. In the meantime you keep studying your Spanish and go to Spain. I was in Europe for three months when I was your age. Believe me...you'll have to have a bat to chase off those Europeans! And you'll never doubt your desirability again! I still smile....
ElizabethH Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 P.S. He's really trying to screw around with your emotions a bit with the phone call and the posting. It's actually cruel. Be strong and if he calls again tell him you don't want to talk or are too busy. He's being *&^%$ed and you little queen deserve MUCH BETTER!
Author SeatPanda Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 Ugh ... it still hurts so bad! My room is full of stuff reminding me of him ... the things he made me, roses he brought me ... even though I hid it in a drawer it still hurts ... and now all our friends are getting engaged, and he pointed out that I never did seem interested in our wedding like they do (even though I was ... it was just so far away I didn't think it was that crucial to plan yet) ..and people keep reminding me, as though to rub it in my face ... no contact is hard, it feels as though I should be making up to him all my mistakes ... but I'm trusting your opinions - I'm sure this is for the best.
livinlifetofullest Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 If a guy states in his blog that he's interested in dating three other women, it's basically over. He's not in a I-want-to-be-in-a-serious-relationship stage right now, and if you allow him to drag you in his confusion, you'll find yourself in the grey area. I assure you it'll be a roller coaster ride. Girl, believe me, IT'S OVER. No matter how many things in your room remind you of him, he's no longer the guy you fell in love with. Trust JDub and other posters, get rid of him for now, initiate NC to allow yourself to heal and start living your life again. Once you've cleared your head and calmed down your feelings, then you can consider being friends. But before then, no. You'll just let yourself be dragged into a roller coaster ride if you take his calls. Be strong. You'll be fine in the end.
Author SeatPanda Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 I found out that one of the three girls he has been considering dating is me ... and his mom says he's very unhappy without me. So maybe that's a good sign ... I've listened to your advice as well as my own feelings and just kept confident, and haven't contacted him and only talked to him when he contacted me once. It looks like this might work out for the best??
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