reddog63 Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Ohhh...........shes not dumb..........she knows why you would put such restrictions on her.............she would just rather not have them. And although I didnt read all posts thoroughly, it reminded me of the , should the 11 year old wear a thong thread. You get a certain number of posters automatically state discussing that .........they will do what they are going to do.........dont make too much of a big deal or she wont come to you.......etc etc..........blah blah......... Yes, eventually you have to cross your fingers when they become a young adult and hope they learn what you taught them......but when they are MINOR children you SUPERVISE SUPERVISE SUPERVISE.........you teach them between right or wrong. Just like with weed........is it ok for your 16 year old to smoke now since he will eventually try anyway........nooooooo.........when he is an adult he can make those choices.
crystal m Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 I have been that teenager that had very stricked parents. I was not allowed to have a boy even call the house. At age 12 I had to keep boyfriends a secret from my parents. If a boy called to talk to me my parents would go off. I would get grownded just for talking to a boy. So when I was 14 I met the guy of my dreams. My parents knew his parents and we were allowed to go out to the movies and out to eat but that was it. I believe that because I had not had any freedom before I went further with this boy then I would have otherwise. To make a long story short, I ended up pregnant at the age of 15. My parents never talked to me about sex and I had no idea it was so easy to get that way. I fell head over heals for this boy, and I'm now 25 years old with 3 kids ages 10, 6 and 4. They are all by the same man. We got married when I got pregnant. People say that our marrige would not last 6 months, its now been 10 1/2 years. We love eachother very much and he is the only man I have ever been with. Yes we have had your problems but we have worked them out so far. I guess what i'm trying to say is don't be to hard on her. Talk to her and tell her why the door stays open. Talk to her about birth controll and sex, that is extreamly important. IF you forbid her to see this boy, that will only make her want him more. Its just the way teenagers are. Trust her and inform her, thats my advice. Good luck.
clandestinidad Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 I agree that there's NO way to keep her from doing anything. My parents were strict about things, so I just went and did them wherever I could. Even in my driveway, since we werent allowed in my house alone. I am a strong believer that there are CERTAIN times when we should have open discussions with our children about ANYTHING/EVERYTHING. This means having an understanding that whatever they say they will not get yelled at or in trouble. I think its extremely important b/c it shows them that their thoughts/opinions/feelings are valued and respected. They are people after all! They should be able to sit w/ us and have these discussion times in order to ask questions and get honest answers. If they are not able to get proper info, they will find info from other people who could do damage. If we are able to have this sort of communication w/ our children, they will feel comfortable telling us if they feel pressured, anxious, angry, curious, etc etc. We can then address their issues and help them determine what choices they want to make. They will make their own choices anyway in life, and we cannot "lay down the law" and expect them to follow OUR choice for them. Rather, we should discuss it openly with them and through that discussion they will see what is best for themselves. For example, when talking about sex, ask them what they think about it. If they know anyone who's doing it. What they say about it. What you've heard about people their age doing it. What consequences, emotional and physical, they know about. etc If its drugs, ask them what they think about it, people doing it, what people say about it (benefits and all), etc etc.... The key is making sure your child knows that its an open discussion, to understand them more, and give them correct information. Make sure they know that based on the discussion, they can make the decision for themselves. More likely than not, once a child has discussed issues and has your respect and correct info about the consequences, they will choose to do the 'right' thing that you wanted. In a way, it takes away the rebellious nature of these issues, which makes it less exciting for them to toy with. You are treating them as mature individuals, and they will respond in tune. So, thats my advice. If you decide to do it, please remember to maintain your 'parent' space, and rather think of yourself as a counselor/advisor. Please keep your patience and mind your mouth.....b/c the instance they feel 'wrong' or 'threatened' in any way they will clam up and you wont get anything accomplished. You are somewhat manipulating the child into arriving at the decision you wanted, so keep your head about you Since your child is 16, you might get hesitancy or attitude. Thats fine, just tell her that you want to know what SHE thinks about things b/c she is mature enough to have lots of opinions. And that you want to be able to understand her more. That SHOULD open some doors
penkitten Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 wanna gain control back of this situation? tommorrow while she is at school take her door off the hinges. string up a note in its place with tape and yarn that reads : REPOSSESSED FOR NOT FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS" when she says "what happened to my door?" reply in kind "you mean my door? its been repossessed" she will say "what??!!!" then just say " you see?" give her about 2 months to earn back some trust and then give her a curtain on a rod with a note saying "LOANER DOOR" when you know that kid is coming over, take it down to wash it (hahaha) finally whenever you put the door back up , label a note "90 DAY PROBATION DOOR" i think that will not only be funny however it will instill "who is in charge', "dont mess with mom", and "no baby making in my house" principals. 1
Ladyjane14 Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 ....it will instill "who is in charge', "dont mess with mom", and "no baby making in my house" principals. "Now, that's funny. I don't care who ya are!":lmao: :lmao: <<<<<{Larry the Cable Guy} On a more serious note.... I've only just recently become a Grande-Auntie. Teenage mother and baby are doing fine, btw. My niece's father is mostly uninvolved in her life, and has been for quite a number of years. However, her mother has been a very good friend to her. I have to admit I'm of the opinion that being a PARENT might have been preferable given all that's occurred. Interestingly enough, the mother...now Grandmother, who had been such a good friend to her daughter, was not invited into the labor/delivery room. It seems that a recent 'falling out' had occurred. Instead, "Uninvolved Dad" was invited in, while "Mom-Buddy" cooled her heels outside.
clandestinidad Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Its a good thing I never said anything about being her 'friend' rather than a mother. What I did say was that it has been proven that it you have specific discussion times, when the child is able to say whatever they think/feel without getting griped at or anything, the child becomes a much healthier and more mature person. Better able to make wise decisions They are aware of possible consequences and factual information about life's issues, and more often than not will make the 'mature' right decision that you wanted them to make in the first place. There comes an age when children develop minds of their own and are quite creative when finding ways to 'rebel'. Ordering them to do things only works until a certain age, and with certain life issues. After that, if they are too oppressed without being respected or communicated with, they WILL do the exact opposite of what you want. Personally, I would prefer to educate my daughter about these issues, be there for her to open up to me and ask me for clarification or guidance...b/c she would know that I respect her. Based on her new knowledge, consequences of actions, and what I think about it, she will make the wise decision. That said, no, dont be your childs friend for god's sake! But DO be someone that she can turn to, to have these free discussion times, b/c she needs that from YOU more than what she hears around the school or on tv!!! I agree that no male should be allowed in her room, DUH! And I agree that you should have rules and stick to them. But you also need to have open discussions about such big issues. I'm pretty sure your concern isnt only that they'd have sex in YOUR house, but its that you dont want her to AT ALL! This method has been proven to work...to help her make wise decisions OUT OF YOUR HOUSE TOO. Teenagers want to think they are mature beings. They are figuring out who they will become. This is the time when the parents should 'somewhat' treat them like they are mature and respected.
Tangerina Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Just have to share my experience.... I was 16 when I started my first serious relationship and it lasted for 3 years, now I am 20 and in my second serious relationship... I consider myself a very comfortable and well adjusted person sexually. I never had to do the whole sneaking around thing because, although I know it was really hard for them sometimes, both sets of parents had the philosophy that their role was to educate us and be there for us no matter what, but not to dictate what we did sexually... If we had been younger this probably would have been different, but as uch as your 16 year old seems like a baby to you, and honestly thinking back just those 4 years in my life it seems forever ago, sexually she is an adult. If she really is the responsible and mature girl you say she is then anything she does with this boy will be what she wants, you can't just see it as him trying to force himself on your baby. I know when I was 16 I let my BF see my breats on the first date... no pressure from him, I am not a slut, I did it because I am sexual and because it is what I wanted. So I guess my first piece of advice in this ramble is to stop seeing her sexuality as something that is out of her control. Secondly, you do have to follow what you believe to be right and true and you are the parent and she is your daughter... but all I can say from my own experience is that having the acceptance of my parents as I began exploring my sexuality, being able to have my boyfriend stay at my house instead of trying to sneak around in the backseat of his car, being able to go to my mom for a ride to the pharmacy when I needed emergency contraception when a condom broke, not having to lie about going out to the Planned Parenthood clinic, being able to ask anything that I needed to know... all of this helped me to accept myself as a sexual person and be comfortable with my sexuality instead of thinking it was bad or dirty... I am a smart responsible girl as well and I had a good partner and we went into it together and as equals and neither of us pressured the other... if your daughter has a partner like this she is a lucky girl... also, another inderect consequence of having open communication with my parents and non-sneaky access to going to my doctor for info is that I was probably the most knowledgable about safe sex of any of my friends and was very responsible.... This is kind of just a ramble but the point is your daughter is sexual, she wants to share that with this boy that she feels is worthy of it, and she is going to with or without your blessing, but in my experience she will be better adjusted and more responsible sexually if she feels she can turn to you for advice or help if she needs it and that you aren't looking down on her decision... 1
penkitten Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Instead, "Uninvolved Dad" was invited in, while "Mom-Buddy" cooled her heels outside. i hope he becomes "involved, pays child support, visits often and brings pampers" dad soon.
littlekitty Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I don't have children but several of my friends are the parents of teenagers. One of them had to take her 14-year-old for an abortion recently. This is a 'good' kid who makes A's in school and does well at sports, art, whatever she applies herself to. She has also always been closely supervised by her parents. They didn't even realize she had a steady boyfriend. Teens, even the good ones, are notorious for hiding information from their parents. I remember my parents were incredibly strict with me regarding dating and boys and I lost my virginity by age 16; we snuck out during the prom and did it in a friend's car. I think the best thing you can do to help your daughter is to be frank and open with her about sex. And get her on birth control. Good sensible advice. They ARE going to have sex. Do you want her to hide it from you, or be able to be honest and open so that you can teach her the best way to deal with things, the precautions to take etc. I don't think the fighting it out tack will work on this one... you need to allow her to grow up a little. But you can keep the communication open and stop some of the pitfalls.
Skeered Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 OK first I apologize I didn't read all the posts here so what I'm going to say you may have heard 100 times over but I felt I must share... I can honestly say stick to your guns mom...you are the parent she is the kid, let her throw her hissy fits about not going behind closed doors, she doesn't need to be. My BF's parents (when I was 17) let us go behind closed doors and I became a teen pregnancy at 18. If she feels the urge to have sex with him that strongly more than likely they will do it somewhere else..but the thing we as parents need to do is NOT make space available for it. You may even feel it appropriate to speak with his parents about your methods of not allowing them that time "alone" and I'm sure they would agree that they aren't ready for that. I agree with what someone said on here about puttin her on birth control. Since we can't be with our kids 24/7 and hormones happen, lol better to play it safe. Have the sex talks with her, the baby talks with her etc. and instead of fighting try to keep things open and honest so she knows you are safe to talk to. Just thought I would throw in my .02
clandestinidad Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 If you put her on birth control youre going to have to baby feed it to her at the same time every day to make sure she takes it.....teenagers (hell, even some older women too) are notorious for not taking them properly. just a heads up reminder Also, I think on one hand discussing it with her openly and then putting her on the pill (when she hasnt even had sex yet) will take away a major consequence of sex (thats what she should be afraid of)......so it would defeat the purpose of having those discussions and encouraging her to make the mature decision not to have sex until she's older. Think about it.....hey honey, a consequence of having sex is that you could get pregnant. That should scare the s*** out of you. But here's a pill that will keep that from happening. Now, go make a decision about what you want to do. Duuh, what do you think shes going to do?! (besides the fact that she might get pregnant even on the pill b/c she didnt take it properly) I'm not saying that the pill is a bad idea....I'm just trying to point out 2 side issues you might encounter if you choose to do that. I do suggest them if, during your open discussions, she tells you that they already have. Then, yes, she is highly likely to do it again!! And should have precautions.
Tangerina Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 You need to be available to give her information, but she has to make decisions about what she does with her body on her own, including things like birth control. Hormones can be pretty harsh. I went on the pill when I was 17and I didn't like how it made me feel... switched to Nuvaring and it was great but that is another story. When I was 17 I didn't want to get pregnant and I never missed a pill the whole time I was on it. I don't get why people think teenagers are so irresponsible. In my experience it is because people expect them to be so they don't feel there are very high expectations to live up to. My parents always respected me as my own person capable of making my own choices and they had high expectations for my behaviour so I lived up to it because I wanted to keep their respect.
crzyblndstar Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 If you think that she is a trustworthy and an all around good kid, compromise with her. Sit her down and talk about sex. Educate her about it, all the risks (pregnancy, std's, rumors about her if he tells), all the stuff that can happen. And then tell her, that she can close her door if she wants, BUT you CAN and WILL come in whenever you want, to check up on her. This will give her a sense of privacy and that you trust her but also not let her think that she can do whatever she wants behind closed doors. Like most of the posters have said, if she wants to have sex she will find a way and a place to do it. This way at least she will want to spend more time at home knowing that she can still have some privacy, but she will also know that there is a chance she could get caught by you if they decided to do something. Just a little advice from someone who has been in your daughters shoes. But when I was her age, I was not allowed to have boys over in my room so I had them over to my friends rooms when their parents weren't home. You can only imagine what went on then, knowing I had to get in and do all that I could in the little time I had to spend with my boyfriend.
Sirius1 Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I have a 17 year old daughter and will not consider letting a boy head to my girl's bedroom alone ever. My kid has enough trouble getting out of bed in the morning to go to school. I can't see letting her bring boys home setting another 'mine field' for the family to shout about. Don't even go there. She can do whatever when she is out on her own. I'm too young to be a grandpa. I'm sure that's the consensus among most of us 'Class of the Eighties' crowd.
basscatcher Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I didn't read through all the comments. I just read enough of the OP to say this: I was 15 almost 16 when I got my first bf. He was 1 yr older then me and was a charming guy and showed affection for me too. He seemed like a good guy. I use to have him in my bedroom WITH THE DOOR OPEN. I grew up most of my childhood in a trailor home.. My mother in the living room. My bf date raped me while in my bedroom, with the door open and my mother sitting in the living room. He was bigger then me, built up fear in me and made me feel guilty for all sorts of things (I had no reason to feel guilty about.). He was a manipulator and agressive.. If she is going to have a boy in her room then you should limit the time allowed in the room alone and you should also check on them every 15 minutes or so and pay attention to your daughters actions and facial expressions. I didn't know what date rape was. I always thought rape had to be violent. I didn't learn the truth about rape till I was in my early 20s. I wish my mother would have checked on me more and would have limited our time alone in my bedroom. I believe in giving some trust by allowing them private time to be together and talk but not too much time when hormones and manipulation can happen. Sex only takes 10-15 minutes if they want it bad enough. My rapping happened a few times while my mother was home and it only took 15 minutes for him to finish and order me to straighten myself up so we wouldn't get caught. I didn't want it to happen but I didn't know what to do to stop it at that age when i was nieve, confused, scared, and my self esteem was low... Be careful in your handling this situation. Sorry if I am out of line or if I came on too strong. (Im thinking this might be a troll thread also but others reading it may need awareness.)
DevinWolfe Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 That's horrible Padameckla, I am really sorry to hear about that. My experience (being 18 now) My ex GF's parents let us be in her room with the door closed, let us be in the house alone for sometimes hours at a time. She was 4 months younger than me and we didnt lose our virginity until we were both 16 but the fact that we had so many opportunities made it SOOOO easy and didn't really enforce any kind of moral pressure or guidance. My parents on the other hand... wouldnt let us out of their sight for more than about 10 minutes at a time. And certainly no closed doors. At the time i was pissed at my parents for being so strict but now i have a 15 year old sister (high school freshman) with a boyfriend. They are nothing serious but i still watch him like a hawk.
Recommended Posts