16 y.o. daughter alone in room with BF?

[Manic Momday]

My daughter is a wonderful girl who is generally responsible and has always gotten good grades. But I still said she couldn't have one-on-one dates until she was 16 - in part because I've heard so many mothers complain how their daughters' schoolwork got tossed aside once the boy-craziness started.

 

We had barely finished cleaning up the wrapping paper from her Sweet 16 presents before she was going to movies with a boy from her French class. They've been together for 3 months now, so it looks like they're getting more serious than I would like. We've had him over for dinner a few times and he seems like a basically nice kid with real affection for her. But he's still a 16 year old boy. Which means that although my daughter can have him in her room, she must keep the door open.

 

At first she just grumbled about it. But now we seem to be fighting about it all the time - including one lollapalooza that effectively ruined Christmas Day. I mean we've butted heads about the usual teen stuff but it was always just whining and sulking on her end. This was angry screaming and doors slamming - just awful.

 

Now it doesn't take a genius to figure out that she's not waging this war as a matter of principle. She obviously wants to get more physical with this boy than her current level of privacy allows. And since I figure they can already do light petting and then quickly separate when they hear Mom coming down the hall, I definitely don't want her going any farther than that.

 

My husband doesn't like to think about what she's likely to get up to behind that bedroom door if we let her close it. But it upsets him even more to hear my daughter and I going at it hammer and tongs like that. (He's got hypertension too, so I worry about his condition.) He has always followed my lead in parenting decisions - which is a good thing too, since he's always been vulnerable to being twisted around her little finger. But now he's asking me if maybe I should reconsider. He says that if they want to do something, they're bound to find someplace to do it. (He remembers how resourceful teenage boys can be when they're motivated!) So he figures if she's at home, at least we can be sure there won't be pressure from other kids and we'll know she's safe.

 

I do see his point. And frankly I'm getting tired of fighting what feels like a losing battle. I've always tried to give her as much responsibility as I thought she could handle - and like I said at the beginning, the results have been pretty good. Is this unprecedently loud fighting from her the sign that I need to loosen the apron strings a little? Do I need to accept the thought of a boy's grubby hands moving over my baby's tender skin?

 

Or is this one of those times as a parent where you have to stick to the unpopular position and hold to it no matter the cost for the child's sake? Any input will be appreciated.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi,

 

When you grow older, you will yearn for some part of your daughter's existence to help you enjoy your later years and bring some entertainment (perhaps in the form of grandchildren) to your life. Wouldn't it make sense to have that as a priority now, instead of risking alienating your daughter?

 

 

A wonderful girl of 16 who is generally responsible and who has always received good grades has been told, per your admission, that she could have one-on-one dates at 16. If the rules steadily change after that point then I shudder to imagine the path from where you are now, to where you'll be when you need her later.

 

Why not take the risk of sitting down with her and educating her about birth control and risk allowing her to be honest with you, so as to make an investment in the future you and your husband will know?

 

I can hear in the distance your husbands instincts kicking-in and gently nudging you. In the society in which we live, I don't think that the educated and trusted young people are the ones who are making the bulk of the huge, life altering mistakes. It is the other ones who have that to fear!

 

And c'mon, a boy from French class?? What french student has "grubby hands" anyway? Try not to assess the guy based on your perception of what he wants. Assess him instead based on your daughter having identified him as being suitable for and worthy of her company.

 

I urge you to stop the path that you are on, and stand right before your daughter's eyes and make a personal investment IN her. Let her watch your about-face, and make it clear that she understands whyyyyyyyy you are changing your ways. I promise you, "mom", that the rewards that shall come from trusting her greatly eclipse anything you think you'll have saved by forcing them out into other environments.

 

What if the French teacher found them frenching in the classroom before school?

[lilmoma1973]

 

I'm sorry but my daughter is 6 and when she is a teenager she will not be bringing any boys in to her room !! I understand that you are tired of fighting a losing battle but it won't happen in my house !! Are you the parent or is she? Just MO!!

[reddog63]

Why are you battling............the answer was NO..........I wouldnt allow it either, but I certainly would not allow her arguing with me about it. I am the F_ucking parent............thats the attitude i would have, just would not hear it again!

[RainyDayWoman]

i have a feeling you would prefer the sound of fighting to the sound of your illegitimate grandchild crying in the room of your house that you've turned into a nursery.

 

sure, kids will find ways of doing what they want to do...drink, have sex, smoke, etc. but some kids will also want to try heroin, or cocaine, or x if they want to...and i am pretty sure you wouldn't have the "oh well, they might as well do it here" attitude about those things.

 

be the parent. if she doesn't stop the arguing and start listening to you, tell her she will have to stop seeing him altogether. if not, be prepared for a lot of worse crap to deal with than just fighting.

 

and tell your husband to step up and start being a father.

[Ladyjane14]

i have a feeling you would prefer the sound of fighting to the sound of your illegitimate grandchild crying in the room of your house that you've turned into a nursery.

 

sure, kids will find ways of doing what they want to do...drink, have sex, smoke, etc. but some kids will also want to try heroin, or cocaine, or x if they want to...and i am pretty sure you wouldn't have the "oh well, they might as well do it here" attitude about those things.

 

be the parent. if she doesn't stop the arguing and start listening to you, tell her she will have to stop seeing him altogether. if not, be prepared for a lot of worse crap to deal with than just fighting.

 

and tell your husband to step up and start being a father.

 

Ditto. Be the parent.

[travellingman]

a boy from her French class. They've been together for 3 months now

 

Would you rather she hook up with a crystal meth dealer?

 

And since I figure they can already do light petting and then quickly separate when they hear Mom coming down the hall, I definitely don't want her going any farther than that.

 

Like they can't do it somewhere else.

 

And frankly I'm getting tired of fighting what feels like a losing battle.

 

..but you lose the war if you totally back down, no way she'll respect your authority if you do

 

Or is this one of those times as a parent where you have to stick to the unpopular position and hold to it no matter the cost for the child's sake?

 

no, for your sake

 

you have to accept that she's going to have sex very soon if she hasn't already, and that it's better to manage the situation than stick your head in the sand and pretend that she's going to ignore boys

 

but also make it clear to her that what she does in the house will be done according to your rules

[Manic Momday]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

I will certainly never abandon my parental responsibility to act as my daughter's guardian - at least as long as she's living in my home. But there's a difference between a crossing guard and a prison warden. Taking a "because I said so" attitude is tempting, of course. But like most quick fixes, it usually makes the original problem even worse. I'm sure we've all seen cases where a parent's hardline only served to provoke the kid into misbehaving even more.

 

I agree with travellingman that the genie is already out of the bottle as far as my little girl's sexuality is concerned. Not only would it be impossible and counterproductive to try to stuff it back in, what I think of as the better part of me doesn't really *want* to. It's a part of the happy mature woman I want her to become someday, after all. The trick is finding a way to keep those pop-fizzy hormones of hers from getting her into trouble before she acquires the skills to take proper care of herself.

 

That uncharacteristic Christmas Day screaming of hers tells me that some very deep feelings are involved with this. Now that we've both had a chance to cool off some, I think there's an opening here to maybe draw her out about this. Ask her to talk specifically about what having a closed door means to her and why it seems so important. If she's willing to be open with me about wanting to be more physical with her boyfriend, there's a golden opportunity to talk about that and help her put it into a larger life perspective. And if at the end of that conversation she's still upset that I don't think she's ready to take that next step, at least she'll know that my restriction is one issued with sympathy and love - rather than just a sour attempt to keep her from having fun.

[Ladyjane14]

you have to accept that she's going to have sex very soon if she hasn't already, and that it's better to manage the situation than stick your head in the sand and pretend that she's going to ignore boys

 

Malarkey. The kid is 16. If Mom says 'no boys in the bedroom', then that's the rule. No way her parents should be feeling guilty for protecting their daughter from her classmate's hormones.

[Nicholas]

Dear concerned mother,

 

Sex is a reality of life. We shouldn't do it until we're responsible adults, but the transition from reckless youth to responsible maturity is lubricated by well, recklessness. All I can say is that by the time she's sixteen, it's way too late to present chastity as an appealing choice.

 

You have two choices. You can crack down, or you can let go. Cracking down will lead to a deterioration of your relationship, a lack of communication, and won't really have a measurable effect on the choices she makes. You cannot stop a high school student from using drugs, having sex, or otherwise getting into trouble.

 

You can, however, create an honest dialogue about those things, so that she feels comfortable talking to you about the choices she is making, and the choices that she will ultimately be responsible for. Don't forget that you're preparing her for a life without you.

 

I know you want to protect your daughter. But they're already sexually involved. Now it's your move, Mom. Do you want her to do it with or without you? Get over your disillusioned viewpoint of how much control a parent can exert effectively over their offspring, and recognize that a sexually active woman needs resources that actually WILL protect her.

 

Adulthood is tricky. Do you remember when you became an adult? Was it handed to you without any grumblings, door-slammings, or disagreements? When my mom was young, I came along and forced her into adulthood. I don't think you want a similar situation on your hands.

 

He says that if they want to do something, they're bound to find someplace to do it.

 

He's right.

 

Or is this one of those times as a parent where you have to stick to the unpopular position and hold to it no matter the cost for the child's sake?

 

You always have to do that as a parent, always. This is one case, however, where it's less about the child and more about you. You're not comfortable with certain choices she's bound to make, have made, or thinking about making.

 

Giving her the freedom to make those choices and live with those consequences isn't just neccesary, it is unavoidable. You can't stop her from doing things she is determined to do--and if you sacrifice your relationship over this, she will be even MORE comfortable disregarding your input altogether.

 

The more she feels comfortable about discussing things like this with you, the more you can actually remain a positive force in her life, and help her understand the gravity of the situation she is in.

 

I would start with an apology. Whether you're really sorry or not, it would definitely be a good first step in her feeling like she's travelling down this road with you instead of away from you.

[dnm1010]

if u give in about this ull end up giving in about other things too.. she might hate you for a few yrs but itll go away- one of my best friends wasnt allowed her boyfriend of 4 yrs (yeah they started dating young, when she was 12 and he was 4 yrs older too) in her room with the door closed until she was 18. its tough to be a parent and especially be the bad guy. but at least u know u did ur best and didnt give in to the pressure teenagers like to put on their parents.

[lilmoma1973]

Dear concerned mother,

 

Sex is a reality of life. We shouldn't do it until we're responsible adults, but the transition from reckless youth to responsible maturity is lubricated by well, recklessness. All I can say is that by the time she's sixteen, it's way too late to present chastity as an appealing choice.

 

You have two choices. You can crack down, or you can let go. Cracking down will lead to a deterioration of your relationship, a lack of communication, and won't really have a measurable effect on the choices she makes. You cannot stop a high school student from using drugs, having sex, or otherwise getting into trouble.

 

You can, however, create an honest dialogue about those things, so that she feels comfortable talking to you about the choices she is making, and the choices that she will ultimately be responsible for. Don't forget that you're preparing her for a life without you.

 

I know you want to protect your daughter. But they're already sexually involved. Now it's your move, Mom. Do you want her to do it with or without you? Get over your disillusioned viewpoint of how much control a parent can exert effectively over their offspring, and recognize that a sexually active woman needs resources that actually WILL protect her.

 

Adulthood is tricky. Do you remember when you became an adult? Was it handed to you without any grumblings, door-slammings, or disagreements? When my mom was young, I came along and forced her into adulthood. I don't think you want a similar situation on your hands.

 

He says that if they want to do something, they're bound to find someplace to do it.

 

He's right.

 

Or is this one of those times as a parent where you have to stick to the unpopular position and hold to it no matter the cost for the child's sake?

 

You always have to do that as a parent, always. This is one case, however, where it's less about the child and more about you. You're not comfortable with certain choices she's bound to make, have made, or thinking about making.

 

Giving her the freedom to make those choices and live with those consequences isn't just neccesary, it is unavoidable. You can't stop her from doing things she is determined to do--and if you sacrifice your relationship over this, she will be even MORE comfortable disregarding your input altogether.

 

The more she feels comfortable about discussing things like this with you, the more you can actually remain a positive force in her life, and help her understand the gravity of the situation she is in.

 

I would start with an apology. Whether you're really sorry or not, it would definitely be a good first step in her feeling like she's travelling down this road with you instead of away from you.

 

 

Do you have a daughter?

[Ladyjane14]

 

...the transition from reckless youth to responsible maturity is lubricated by well, recklessness.

Why would a responsible parent give their permission for 'reckless' behavior?

Cracking down will lead to a deterioration of your relationship, a lack of communication....

No, it won't. Teenagers are dramatic. They're emotional. Their arguements can be loud and unpleasant for all concerned, with lots of door-slammings and "I hate you"s. But it's just noise. They grow and mature, and finally see things from another perspective. I did a little door-slamming myself once upon a time. And it didn't do any permanent damage to my relationship with my parents.

You cannot stop a high school student from using drugs, having sex, or otherwise getting into trouble.

Yeah....you can. Ask my kids!

You can, however, create an honest dialogue about those things, so that she feels comfortable talking to you about the choices she is making, and the choices that she will ultimately be responsible for. Don't forget that you're preparing her for a life without you.

Good advice, but again...there's no need to give permission for reckless behavior.

 

Sixteen year-olds don't often make the best choices. It's the parent's job to make certain that they understand the possible ramifications of any choice they make.

 

Will Manic Momday's daughter eventually have sexual relations with a boy? Yeah. But maybe it won't be 'the guy from French class who she hung out with for three months'. Maybe it'll be someone a little more special than that, and the act itself will be a little more meaningful.

 

If so, it'll be because her parents preserved her choices FOR HER, until she was mature enough to make them for herself.

[Nicholas]

Do you have a daughter?

 

I may not have children, but I hang out on a weekly basis with yours. I know the duality between what's presented by children to their parents and what really goes on. I can tell you straight up that we get in the most trouble with girls whose parents are really oppressive about these sort of things. There's a backlash there that you cannot avoid, and teenage boys will see that and take advantage of it.

 

You guys can attack my qualifications all you'd like, but that's counterproductive to your thread. I posted to the best of my firsthand knowledge. I think that I offer a unique perspective, and I also posted under the assumption that the original poster's appeal for advice was genuine.

 

Why would a responsible parent give their permission for 'reckless' behavior?

 

I didn't suggest that at all.

 

If my post says to you, "Let her do whatever the heck she wants, she'll thank you for it," then you're reading it incorrectly. All I am saying is that parents are powerless to stop their children from acting out by force alone, and that the most effective way to remain a part of your child's life through this period is to create an open line of communication about things like this, and not to crack down.

 

Sixteen year old girls are presented with a real choice to act out sexually. There is absolutely zero utility in making that choice for her, because that doesn't ever work.

 

Sixteen year-olds don't often make the best choices. It's the parent's job to make certain that they understand the possible ramifications of any choice they make.

 

Of course. We agree on what should be done, but we disagree on how it should be done.

 

I am not advising the carte blanche, but I do think the mother in question needs to be more realistic about things.

 

If this is about "winning" to you, then go ahead and trash my advice. I tend to think it's valid. I know because I'm seventeen, and I know way more about my friends than their parents do.

 

If so, it'll be because her parents preserved her choices FOR HER, until she was mature enough to make them for herself.

 

Oh? When is she going to mature? When she turns eighteen and goes off to college with zero supervision?

 

These are the years that we mature. Choices are never made for us. We make them. We either make them with our parents as a resource to help us through them, or we make them without parents knowing. We don't ever have them made for us.

 

I know because I'm here. I'm a seventeen-year-old boy. I know sixteen-year-old girls whose parents think they're doing them a favor by even allowing their children to date, and I can tell you that they act out the most. I know parents want to do a good job, but what they often fail to recognize is that kids know this too, and play off it. I'm around more than you are, though, in your kid's life. I'm around when they make the phonecall to you and tell you they are somewhere where they are not, and then laugh about how trusting you are.

 

You can say your kids are different, but that's what my friends' parents say too.

[JayKay]

I don't have children but several of my friends are the parents of teenagers.

 

One of them had to take her 14-year-old for an abortion recently. This is a 'good' kid who makes A's in school and does well at sports, art, whatever she applies herself to.

She has also always been closely supervised by her parents.

 

They didn't even realize she had a steady boyfriend.

 

Teens, even the good ones, are notorious for hiding information from their parents.

 

I remember my parents were incredibly strict with me regarding dating and boys and I lost my virginity by age 16; we snuck out during the prom and did it in a friend's car.

 

I think the best thing you can do to help your daughter is to be frank and open with her about sex.

 

And get her on birth control.

[justagirliegirl]

My 16 year old daughter SWORE she wasn't doing anything! She now has a 5 year old child to take care of. She is 22.

 

No members of the opposite sex in the bedrooms period. It is you house and your rules. When they get a job and pay rent there then maybe they can have a say.

 

They are both 16. Hormones are raging. If they are getting that serious they are either having sex or will eventually. Take her to the doctor and get her some birth control. Have a very frank discussion with her about sex.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It's your home. And while your daughter may live there, she and her boyfriend must respect your rules. That was the advice our family councilor gave us when my fifteen-year-old daughter pitched a door-slamming, wall-punching fit about not allowing her eighteen-year-old boyfriend into her bedroom where they could have some "privacy."

 

He also went on to suggest that if she continued to slam doors and punch holes in walls, that we should remove the door from her bedroom completely until she learned how to use one properly and respect our property. We never had to go that far, the threat of loosing her bedroom door was enough to cool her jets. We also made her patch the hole in the wall and pay for the materials. Once she calmed down, her boyfriends were permitted to continue visiting our home, but the house rules remained in place.

 

I know how tiring it is when they continue to battle you. But as our councilors said, it's about consistency and follow-through. And most importantly, a united front between the two parenting partners. No kinks in the armor! You don't have to allow her to engage you in a verbal altercation. She can stomp her feet, yank her pigtails and scream all she wants. Just continue to tell her "no" and make sure there are reasonable consequences if she reacts inappropriately.

 

If this young man is truly fond of your daughter, he will want to continue seeing her whether her parents are around or not. There is little you can do to monitor their raging hormones once they're out of sight, but at least you won't be condoning it (or making it easier for them) by giving them permission to do it under your roof.

 

Good luck mom, and stay strong!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I'm even surprised any 16yr old would be allowed to have a boy in their bedroom. What is there to do in there? Is there a TV? Are they playing video games or is it because there is a bed, and privacy?

 

I would first of all make sure she is educated about birth control, but not only that. Make sure that she is not falling to pressure from her boyfriend and having the fight with you so that she can give him what HE wants.

 

Talk to her, and make sure she thinks about how she feels after the arguments, and how she feels after doing whatever it is she wants to do with this boy. If she feels anything other than "good about herself" please make sure she understands the emotional and physical consequences of getting in too deep at her age.

 

16yr old girls should have alot more to think about then boys. Like schoolwork, sports, girlfriends, future plans for college...and there will be lots of boys in college.

 

Please avoid power struggles and make consequences if she doesn't follow the rules. Do Not compromise your position. It's one thing to allow a boy in her bedroom, but the door stays open if she wants that to still be allowed.

 

I know it's not easy but try to instill the values into her rather than the rules, and let her do much of the thinking process.

[icequeen]

Having once been a 16 year old girl and now being the mom of a 4 year old girl, I would have to say you need to stick to you guns. The door needs to stay OPEN! When I was 16, I wasn't allowed to have boys in my room at all. Period. Although that didn't stop me from losing my virginity at 15. Kids are going to do whatever they have set in their mind to do. And whether or not she goes any further with the boy (or any boy) is totally up to her. But I'll be damned if my kid's going to get it on in my house! Just don't make it easy for her to have privacy with the boy. She'll understand, one day.

[Nicholas]

Teens, even the good ones, are notorious for hiding information from their parents.

 

Especially the good ones.

[RainyDayWoman]

i lost my virginity at 14.

 

i am 25, and i still have yet to have boy in my room with me at my parents house.

 

they aren't strict, but they were strict about that...not that it did any good. but i definitely listened.

 

they may not always do what you want them to do when you're not around, but they should respect your rules when you are.

[lilmoma1973]

My 16 year old daughter SWORE she wasn't doing anything! She now has a 5 year old child to take care of. She is 22.

 

No members of the opposite sex in the bedrooms period. It is you house and your rules. When they get a job and pay rent there then maybe they can have a say.

 

They are both 16. Hormones are raging. If they are getting that serious they are either having sex or will eventually. Take her to the doctor and get her some birth control. Have a very frank discussion with her about sex.

 

 

Exactly my h and his ex told her step dad they wasn't doing anything and then the step dad trusted them and they took it for granted!! My h now has a 15 yr old and she was 15 and 17!!! So if you think they won't they will!! My h and i have to keep an eye on ss when here with g/f we don't leave them alone for one minute!!! They have to watch tv with us in the living room not allowed in his room at all !!

[Manic Momday]

If nothing else, the posts here have certainly persuaded me that an open-door-required policy by itself will not safeguard my daughter's virginity!

 

I agree with the posters who have pointed out that the time is past when I could simply impose my will in a situation like this. If I'm going to help my daughter keep from making a bad mistake, I will need to find a way to enlist her understanding of why my restrictions are in place.

[damwinston]

I was allowed to have boys over with the door closed because I was honest with my parents. You should have a discussion with her and voice your concerns.

They didn't like it for sure but they trusted me and knew that I would yell if I was uncomfortable - which I did twice.

I did some things that I am not proud of but, at 29, I can honestly say that I have slept with FAR less than 10 guys.

At 29 I have guys over who spend the night and nothing goes on. Weird to say but it is true.

Talk to your daughter. You have raised her and have therefore passed on your beliefs to her. Maybe she is being honest.

It actually does happen.

dammy

[Nicholas]

If nothing else, the posts here have certainly persuaded me that an open-door-required policy by itself will not safeguard my daughter's virginity!

 

Hopefully, you'll also be persuaded that it's not yours to safeguard.

 

If you're going to help your daughter keep from making a "bad mistake", then it will require that you have an open line of honest communication about her sexual health.

 

It's common sense that "mom doesn't want me to" doesn't stop a teenager; in fact, it only encourages us.