Author JS17 Posted January 1, 2006 Author Posted January 1, 2006 I'm sure after you get to know someone you are comfortable with them. Yes with the exception of relationships which I am not sure if it's a product of the awful people that I have chosen to date in my recent past or of my own issues. I guess they just want you to be happy too. With the exception of boyfriends (or now ex's) I think they have said these things with the intention of helping or not knowing that I knew they said such things. To me this post is evidence you may be ready. to make changes? I think I have problems with intimacy and trust, I'm so picky that I think it becomes a serious problem, etc., etc. I do feel panic sometimes that I will never ever meet anybody, but rationally I think that's nonsense even when emotionally it feels different. I know I don't have problems with intimacy (if anything it's needing too much intimacy) but trust, if I didn't have a problem with it before last year I sure do now. Unfortunately I don't believe that this is an irrational thought, I think it's realistic and I'm trying to come to terms with it now so that in a few years from now when it is too late I won't be so disappointed. I always thought you worry too much about minor things, I'm probably the same. Very true, however, I don't see how not being able to get married and have children is a minor thing.
blind_otter Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Some family and some friends say that I'm too old to get married and have kids. How old is too old? Is there a cut off age for having a normal life? Feh. I was talking to my mother the other day, at her house. My older sister, at 31, is pregnant with her third child. I was like, wow, she's pregnant again! (just making conversation - she takes it to the next level) My Mom says, well she's not getting any younger. I'm 26, and she tells me I'm over the hill! As if menopause occurs at 35 or something. Both my older sisters have popped out kids like mad from a young age, and they also seem to agree that there's something called the "rotten egg phenomena". Whatever. I maintain that my version insanity somehow makes me more sane than they are.
Touche Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Yes with the exception of relationships which I am not sure if it's a product of the awful people that I have chosen to date in my recent past or of my own issu I can't know for sure of course, but my guess would be that it's the people you chose. With the right one you WILL be comfortable, in my opinion. I mean, look, they turned out to be wrong for you, right? So, it's very possible that you would have NEVER been comfortable with them even if you didn't have any type of social anxiety. See what I mean? 1
loony Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 I know I don't have problems with intimacy (if anything it's needing too much intimacy) but trust, if I didn't have a problem with it before last year I sure do now. Unfortunately I don't believe that this is an irrational thought, I think it's realistic and I'm trying to come to terms with it now so that in a few years from now when it is too late I won't be so disappointed. But why assume that you will never be able to overcome your problem? Very true, however, I don't see how not being able to get married and have children is a minor thing. I wasn't really refering to this. I do think though that you seem to have a lot going on for you and you worry so much.
Outcast Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 I'm 28. Is is that they are dragging me down or is it that they are just being realistic? I bet if you ask men in their 20's and 30's they will tell you that they think there is something wrong with a woman who is single at 30. They're idiots. Boy, if these are your 'friends', I'd move and find a whole other social circle because they sound like jerks. Of course it's not true. Cripes, my own mom didn't marry 'til she was 37 and had me when she was 39. Plenty of people wait until later to marry. Next time one of these twits tells you that, tell them that statistics show that the older people are at first marriage, the better the chances of success of the marriage. Supposedly, you shouldn't even consider marriage until you're at least 27 - and that still gives you plenty of years of fertility. And I don't believe I am capable of a long term relationship and I've never been in one. I guess I'm too old to learn You do realize that self-defeating attitudes pretty much guarantee the outcomes you fear, right? If you haven't gone to counselling, I think you should consider it. It seems you have a lot of issues and negative thoughts going on that you may need help overcoming.
Art_Critic Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 The wife of one of my cousins had her first baby when she was 45 . He was perfectly healthy and they just adopted an adorable 18 month old girl from china.. Js.. if 45 is a cut off then you have many many years left..
Author JS17 Posted January 1, 2006 Author Posted January 1, 2006 When I started this thread I didn't intend it to really be about me, just getting ideas of what people think too old are. But why assume that you will never be able to overcome your problem? That is a good point loony. I'm working on it.
Outcast Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 There is no such thing as 'too old'. Haven't you heard of people in their nineties marrying for company in the retirement homes? Love never ends. It's the outsides that get old - not the insides!!
Author JS17 Posted January 1, 2006 Author Posted January 1, 2006 They're idiots. Boy, if these are your 'friends', I'd move and find a whole other social circle because they sound like jerks. Of course it's not true. Cripes, my own mom didn't marry 'til she was 37 and had me when she was 39. Plenty of people wait until later to marry. Next time one of these twits tells you that, tell them that statistics show that the older people are at first marriage, the better the chances of success of the marriage. Supposedly, you shouldn't even consider marriage until you're at least 27 - and that still gives you plenty of years of fertility. You do realize that self-defeating attitudes pretty much guarantee the outcomes you fear, right? If you haven't gone to counselling, I think you should consider it. It seems you have a lot of issues and negative thoughts going on that you may need help overcoming. How dare you judge my friends and family! I'm working on these things, I realize that I have problems, I don't need you to tell me that I do. I'll tell you what though, I'd rather have problems and a heart than books and websites that give me statistics but no emotion whatsoever.
Outcast Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Fine. If what you're after is the 'emotion' of feeling dissed by both friends and family and feeling like you're bad, unworthy, and undesirable, you're welcome to it. I figure life's too short to put up with that sort of misery but hey, up to you.
johan Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Fine. If what you're after is the 'emotion' of feeling dissed by both friends and family and feeling like you're bad, unworthy, and undesirable, you're welcome to it. I figure life's too short to put up with that sort of misery but hey, up to you. Outcast, you can't really defend yourself on things like this and expect to win friends and influence people. I think calling them idiots gets kind of personal. It IS her friends and family after all. I'm sure this isn't the extent of their caring for JS. The point of the post wasn't "are my friends and family idiots, and should I shun them?" it's "how old is too old?" I've thought about this, and I don't know what "too old" is in general. I just know there's tons of stuff going on after 30. But it's always personal. If you were hoping to be a real young parent who could be really in tune with your kids, then you're pushing it. It just depends what image for how you want your life to go. But it's hard to get it to go according to plan or on schedule. The other person has to be there in time and be ready as well.
loony Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 JS, I don't think Outcast meant to be so harsh, even when it came across a bit. I guess, she also just thinks you have so much going on for you and you are letting people lessen your happiness. Sometimes it's good to have a little bit of pressure, or maybe a better word is 'direction', but when so many people make you feel bad about your age or your ability to have a relationship or a family then it's not ok. Maybe it's them or maybe it's because you need to be a bit more assertive, but it's certainly something that can be overcome. Overall, I do not think you are too old, and I'm also sure you have the capacity to overcome your anxieties. Don't give up. By the way, are there no nice guys at your university? It's still a good place to meet people.
lindya Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 I'm 28. Is is that they are dragging me down or is it that they are just being realistic? I bet if you ask men in their 20's and 30's they will tell you that they think there is something wrong with a woman who is single at 30. A lot of people have a habit of slapping anyone who they think needs their validation. It's maybe a power thing. That, and projected embarrassment and anger about their own neediness. I'd always be wary about asking guys whether they think that there's something wrong with single women. There are always going to be some who jump at the opportunity to deliver any sort of critique on "the modern woman." I think living in a city like New York could be pretty grim for any single woman in terms of romance - just because one always gets the impression that the power balance is heavily weighted in favour of men in that city. I wonder if you need to start casting your net outside the city boundaries. What about getting involved in some activity that's going to take you out of the city some weekends? You'd maybe meet a gentler more genuine sort of guy that way. I remember when I broke up with my ex, I spent some time with a friend in the country...and I met some really lovely guys. Had I been living there, and not going through post break up trauma, I'd have really been interested in quite a few of them. I don't know you, other than the contact we've had here, but my gut feeling (possibly influenced by things you've posted) is that you're a gentle soul who gravitates towards animals and nature. Perhaps the right guy for you can be found in a quieter, more nature-orientated environment rather than in city bars that are teeming with Metrosexuals.
Author JS17 Posted January 1, 2006 Author Posted January 1, 2006 Thank you johan, loony and lynda for your posts. Sincerely appreciated but I'd rather turn this thread away from me personally and either let it die or let people discuss the original question if there is interest.
brashgal Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 JS17 - don't let others get you down. Twenty-eight is not too old. There are more risks after age 35 (and it might be harder to get pregnant) but it is so hard to generalize about this stuff - everyone is different. I had my kids 12 years apart (at 26 and 38). Although physically the second pregnancy was more taxing, everything else has been easier - I have more money, more patience, more perspective. There is something to be said for maturity and being ready. Don't let them rush you!
clandestinidad Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 statistics show that the older people are at first marriage, the better the chances of success of the marriage I was going to say the same thing. I think its much better to be in your position than some of the alternatives. You have grown and know more about what you want in a person. You probably know a lot about who you are and what makes you tick. You have gained more wisdom than you had at 24. The man you end up with will have gained more wisdom than he had when he was younger. You will both be more ready for each other then you meet and marry. Knowing those things about yourself makes you better able to form a healthy lasting relationship. The fact that someone worth while hasnt entered your life yet does not mean that he wont. Anyway, I understand that you probably feel a little aimless, wandering right now. But it will all come together for you, and the relationship will be better than it would have been when you were younger and more immature. EDIT: Okay, I just saw your new post.....everything I just said, rather than saying "You" change it to "A Person". So, no, obviously I dont think there is a certain age where its 'too late'...I rather think that being 'older' makes it work out better and last longer
lindya Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Ok - how old is too old? Well, I've got quite a few clients (divorces) who are in their 40s and have very young children. I've only got one friend who had a baby before the age of 25. Four had children before the age of 30. I can't think of any others who had children before 30 - I know plenty who had children after that age though. A woman I used to work with had her first baby at 38 and now has a litter of them (God knows how she copes - but I think nannies feature quite heavily). In general, thinking of friends, their friends, acquaintances and colleagues, I'd say that having a baby before age 30 is the exception rather than the norm. and I guess that's because they've spent a lot of years at university, travelling and developing a career whilst enjoying the single (and salaried) life. I'd say once she gets to her late 30s, if she's still single then there are probably pretty high odds that a woman won't have kids - though there are plenty of exceptions to that rule out there.
Touche Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Ok then. To answer the question you really wanted answered. This is for ME personally, I would have said 35. As it was, I was pushing it to have a baby at 34. I never really wanted to wait that long but like someone said, what we want doesn't always happen the way and when we want it...had to have the right guy first and be married (now there's a concept!) So, 35 for a baby. As for marriage, I'm with Outcast on this one...you're NEVER too old, never. As long as we're breathing and living we have the capacity to love and be loved. And I don't believe that we all have only ONE love either...but that's another topic.
loony Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Perhaps the right guy for you can be found in a quieter, more nature-orientated environment rather than in city bars that are teeming with Metrosexuals. Was this an intented slight against our favorite New Yorkian poster or just your subconscious child speaking?
confusedgeek Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Hi JS17, I had a conversation about this a long time ago with my sister and my mom. They said a good time to get married is about age 25. In parts of asia, women generally want to get married around this time. Because (at least they told me) that theres a type of rule/cultural thing being its considered an old hag past this point. They said for men it doesnt really matter, because we could always find someone younger. But for women its different. But there with you being single in the late twenties. - ConfusedGeek
lindya Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Was this an intented slight against our favorite New Yorkian poster or just your subconscious child speaking? No! I guess it's a reference to my own personal experiences. I just tend to click better with guys who like the countryside and are into outdoorsy activities. Or maybe it's just that there's a different atmosphere when you're involved in those sorts of things. One that brings out a more innocent, friendly and fun-loving side in people.
lindya Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Hi JS17, I had a conversation about this a long time ago with my sister and my mom. They said a good time to get married is about age 25. In parts of asia, women generally want to get married around this time. Because (at least they told me) that theres a type of rule/cultural thing being its considered an old hag past this point. They said for men it doesnt really matter, because we could always find someone younger. But for women its different. But there with you being single in the late twenties. - ConfusedGeek See my first post on this subject. Didn't I warn you, JS17?!
loony Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 In general, thinking of friends, their friends, acquaintances and colleagues, I'd say that having a baby before age 30 is the exception rather than the norm. and I guess that's because they've spent a lot of years at university, travelling and developing a career whilst enjoying the single (and salaried) life. I'd say once she gets to her late 30s, if she's still single then there are probably pretty high odds that a woman won't have kids - though there are plenty of exceptions to that rule out there. I'd agree with this. A lot of people I know from school are starting to get married now (we are all end-twenties). A couple of them married in their mid-twenties and have kids already. I'd say, those are a little bit more traditional and have a strong desire to have a family. Those who had babies earlier never really pursued a higher education. Those who traveled a bit more, are a bit more selfish and interested in finding themselves, are often not married yet. I'd also say there's a certain pickiness with them involved. Most people I know just haven't settled yet (thank god, I'm not ready yet to be surrounded by people with babies... ) Actually, the last time I went to a party where a lot of my former classmates were I saw a lot of people who had just broken up and were single.
loony Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Hi JS17, I had a conversation about this a long time ago with my sister and my mom. They said a good time to get married is about age 25. In parts of asia, women generally want to get married around this time. Because (at least they told me) that theres a type of rule/cultural thing being its considered an old hag past this point. They said for men it doesnt really matter, because we could always find someone younger. But for women its different. But there with you being single in the late twenties. - ConfusedGeek I may disappoint you, but girls at this age are actually already considered old maidens. People worry about them when they reach beginning twenties or before.
Outcast Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 I had a conversation about this a long time ago with my sister and my mom. They said a good time to get married is about age 25. In parts of asia, women generally want to get married around this time. Because (at least they told me) that theres a type of rule/cultural thing being its considered an old hag past this point. Um. She doesn't live in Asia.
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