How do I Win Back Her Trust?

[josh454]

Hey everyone,

I've (28M) been dating this girl (26F) for a couple of months, and everything has been great. We have amazing chemistry, and she told me she had never felt this way about anyone before, and I feel the same way.

All was fine until one day, on our way back from a date, she noticed a contact on my Snapchat. It was my ex. She went through the history and found some explicit images my ex had sent me four months before I started dating my current girlfriend. I didn't want these photos but didn’t care at the time since I was single, so I ignored them and kept being casual friends with my ex. I slowed down communication with my ex when I started dating my girlfriend, let's call her Sam. Two months before I started dating Sam, my ex got into a relationship too, so I thought everything was cool and that we could just stay casual friends. I know, dumb move. I should have just cut her off.

After Sam saw the old photos in my history, she went through my phone and discovered I was still casually talking to my ex on text and socials. This led to an argument, and she ended up leaving. I tried to resolve things the next day, but it didn't work out, and we broke up when she came to my house. She later called me crying, saying she still loved me but couldn't believe I broke her trust.

Since then, she hasn't answered my calls and only texts me, initially very angrily but has softened a bit. She sends long texts, and I try to respond thoughtfully, but she ignores my requests to meet in person. She's currently traveling for a month and a half and still texts me, saying she misses me and can't understand why I hurt her.

I want to fix things and have been trying over text, but she sent me a lengthy message saying I'm not fighting for her. I'm so confused. I’ve been calling, but she won’t pick up, so I stopped. Plus, she's traveling for six weeks. How do I fix things when I can't see her in person? She blocked me on social media and now on text too.

Most people I've spoken to about this situation say she just needs some time and should come around eventually after reading all the text messages. I'm not holding out hope, but I am very sorry and want to fix things. I'm also confused by her saying I'm not fighting enough for her. Not sure what she means by that. Maybe not sending long enough text messages?

Her going on this long vacation to visit her family isn't helping either, but she had planned this months in advance. We broke up 25 days ago, she left 20 days ago, and she will be back in about another month. So how should I go about this situation?

Thanks for any advice.

[Gebidozo]

Was there anything inappropriate in the messages your GF discovered? Were you being flirty and suggestive with your ex?

Did you explain to her that the explicit images of your ex had been sent before you got together?

There is nothing wrong with being casual friends with an ex, as long as the interaction isn’t sexual and there are no more romantic feelings. If all you did was keep contact with the ex and occasionally chat with her in a friendly way, there is no broken trust to speak of.

I find it hard to understand how you’re supposed to “fight“ for your GF is she has blocked you.

 

[josh454]

45 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Was there anything inappropriate in the messages your GF discovered? Were you being flirty and suggestive with your ex?

Did you explain to her that the explicit images of your ex had been sent before you got together?

There is nothing wrong with being casual friends with an ex, as long as the interaction isn’t sexual and there are no more romantic feelings. If all you did was keep contact with the ex and occasionally chat with her in a friendly way, there is no broken trust to speak of.

I find it hard to understand how you’re supposed to “fight“ for your GF is she has blocked you.

 

My ex sent me one of those relationship meme videos that people forward on Instagram, which made my girlfriend question why she was sending me those. I panicked and deleted the messages, which was one of her issues too. I was overwhelmed by her reaction and just deleted it on the spot. I know, I know, very wrong move. I should have just shown her all the messages, but I didn't want her scrolling back to when my ex and I were in a relationship and seeing all of our old messages, which would have been weird.

The whole "fight for her" thing doesn’t make sense to me either. Am I supposed to call her a million times or something? I'm a grown adult. I called a few times after the breakup to try and speak with her, but she didn't pick up. She knew we only had a window of 7 days before she left for vacation but still didn’t try to meet in person to resolve it.

Now that she is away, she is sending things like, "You didn't fight for me" and "Did you ever even care?" The funniest thing is, while we were in the relationship, she said this was the first time she felt what it was like to be treated so well and like a princess.

But yeah, I don't know what to do. Should I wait for her to reach out or maybe contact her when she's back? I'm a little confused at the moment.

[Gebidozo]

I don’t think you should do anything. Why do you want this girl back? She broke up with you over virtually nothing. And then she wants you to “fight for her”, whatever that means. Just leave her alone and move on. 

[flitzanu]

if what you're saying is true and there isn't more to the story about the texts, then she basically broke up with you for something you were doing before you met her.  those pics were before you were dating and have no bearing on her or your relationship.

now, you said you were in communication with your ex, so as long as it was casual and not flirty or sexual, again, unless you LIED about being in contact with your ex, that's her insecurity to deal with.  if she asked and you said you don't speak to exes, and again, lied, then yes she has a right to be mad.

wanting you to fight for her is just stupid, and you should block her.  

[ShyViolet]

This girl is acting crazy and sounds very immature.  Why would you want someone like this back?  First of all why was she going through your phone at all?  Healthy relationships don't include one person going through the other person's phone looking for evidence of cheating.  There were already red flags in this relationship.  So now she flipped out over some messages she saw in your phone, won't take your calls and has blocked you, yet still says that you are not "fighting" for her enough.

This girl did you a favor by breaking up with you and you need to stay broken up.  Recognize all the red flags in her behavior.

31 minutes ago, josh454 said:

I was overwhelmed by her reaction and just deleted it on the spot. I know, I know, very wrong move. I should have just shown her all the messages,

No no no, you shouldn't have had to show her any messages.  It's not normal for a girlfriend to demand to see anything in your phone, or to have to show her any messages as she tries to police your texting activity.  This is absolutely ridiculous.  She needs to grow up and get a handle on her insecurity, and you need to learn to recognize red flag behavior.

[SurfCity]

31 minutes ago, josh454 said:

I panicked and deleted the messages, which was one of her issues too. I was overwhelmed by her reaction and just deleted it on the spot. I know, I know, very wrong

You didn't answer the question. Was there anything flirtatious or sexual in the messages from after you were dating your new gf?

Deleting the messages makes you look guilty as hell. Most people consider texting your ex to be cheating, it's not surprising that she broke up with you. If there was nothing to hide what was there to "panic" about?

[josh454]

4 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

You didn't answer the question. Was there anything flirtatious or sexual in the messages from after you were dating your new gf?

Deleting the messages makes you look guilty as hell. Most people consider texting your ex to be cheating, it's not surprising that she broke up with you. If there was nothing to hide what was there to "panic" about?

My ex sent me one of those boyfriend and girlfriend memes on IG. Sam asked why my ex was sending me those types of memes if we are not together anymore. I told her I honestly didn't know; it's just a meme video. I didn't look too much into it and just took it as a joke.

Yes, deleting the messages definitely made me look guilty, but as I said, she was going to go through everything, including the messages from when my ex and I were together. I don't think it is appropriate for her to go through the messages from my past relationship.

When she came over to my house, she even spoke with my ex over the phone. She insisted on talking to her on the spot. I allowed it, and my ex basically told her there was nothing going on and that we were just friends. She even mentioned that she was happy in her current relationship and had no feelings for me. Sam, however, dismissed this and accused us of planning all this and cheating on our partners. Ugh...

[josh454]

40 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This girl is acting crazy and sounds very immature.  Why would you want someone like this back?  First of all why was she going through your phone at all?

We had this thing where we knew each other's phone passcodes. She never really went through my phone until that date night. She was making a Snapchat on my phone of the two of us while I was driving. She usually has my phone in her hands while I'm driving to play music. When she finished making the Snapchat, she scrolled over and saw that a girl had sent me a message on Snap just a week prior. This led her to open up the chat history on Snap, and that's when she saw the images.

Why do I want her back? Well, I find her very attractive. I know, kinda shallow, but I do.

Yes, she can be immature at times, but if I still wanted her back, what can we do or not do?

[SurfCity]

28 minutes ago, josh454 said:

she was going to go through everything, including the messages from when my ex and I were together. I don't think it is appropriate for her to go through the messages from my past relationship.

You should've said that. Deleting the texts just makes you seem guilty...even here in this thread, it's hard to believe that there was nothing sexual/inappropriate in the texts after you started dating the new gf. 

She keeps saying that she wants you to fight for her, just ask her what she means by that and then do it. Maybe she'll forgive you and the relationship will survive. It's unlikely, but it's possible it could work out. 

[josh454]

8 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

She keeps saying that she wants you to fight for her, just ask her what she means by that and then do it. 

Wish I could, but at the moment, I'm blocked on social media and text. I could use email or other methods, but I feel that's a bit too much.

What do you think? Should I wait for her to unblock me? I don't think it would be right to start looking for other people so soon. Maybe in a couple of months, if she doesn't engage, I'll consider it.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, this situation. There is your gf's wild over-reaction. And then there is your overly guilty reaction to your gf's over-reaction.

Why in the world are you giving her permission to look through your phone? That is totally immature. She can't trust, then let her go. You going to give her permission to come to your job and put on her surveillance uniform and scrutinize your interactions with women colleagues?  What about letting her observe how you greet women in your neighborhood that you pass by going to work or going out on errands?

So the big problem is you are not taking a stand. You're letting her roll over you. And then you act surprised when you get rolled over and flattened. No, you don't let anyone have access to your phone unless the woman is your wife and you have been caught cheating on her while married. And in marriage counseling you agreed to give her access to your phone for a limited period of time. That's the only condition. 

About not fighting for her, I'm guessing that she notices that you're acting all guilty. As if you did something wrong. No, your response to her craziness should have been "Hey, I'm doing nothing wrong, and I'm not going to apologize for doing nothing wrong!" And, "If you are going to quickly mistrust me, then this relationship isn't going to work for me." But you don't have a bottom line. . 

And now, to use the young person's term, she's gaslighting you. Blaming you for not standing up for yourself and then refusing to take your calls. It should NOT matter at all that she's out of town with family. You can facetime or do a messenger call across the globe! She's blocking you. Which is a major form of manipulation.

Dude, get out of this relationship or you'll end up twisted and disoriented and unfit to date someone new for a long time. 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, SurfCity said:

Most people consider texting your ex to be cheating

What? I don’t know anyone who considers non-sexual, non-romantic texting with an ex cheating.

It’s absolutely ok to talk and be friendly with an ex, unless there is sexual and romantic innuendo in the communication.

It’s crazy to break up over a non-sexual text conversation with an ex. Moreover, it’s rude, controlling and disrespectful behavior to just grab your partner’s phone and check their messages.

 

Edited July 30, 2024 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, josh454 said:

Why do I want her back? Well, I find her very attractive. I know, kinda shallow, but I do.

Yes, she can be immature at times, but if I still wanted her back, what can we do or not do?

She isn’t “immature at times”, she is immature, period. She violated your privacy, made a scandal, threw accusations at you and your ex, broke up with you, and continued being hysterical and controlling even after that. Why do you want back a person who treats you like that? Have some self respect. 

You’re saying she is good-looking? I assure you, the world is full of good-looking women, and some of them actually behave like grown up people and have a more pleasant personality than she. Just let it go.

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, josh454 said:

She is sending things like, "You didn't fight for me" and "Did you ever even care?" The funniest thing is, while we were in the relationship, she said this was the first time she felt what it was like to be treated so well and like a princess.

As a woman, I would say that this kind of talk reminds me of a young and immature woman who still has a bit of a fairytale notion about relationships. 

She is just a woman, not a princess. You are not her prince, you do not need to participate in a sh£t  test to “prove your love” and you are not going to “fight for her.” The reason why you are not going to do it is because this will only be the first of many such tests she will give you… You made a mistake - a big mistake - and you have learned your lesson. Your ex is now blocked and all offending photos/messages have been deleted. She is travelling, if she would like to continue to message while she is travelling, you are amenable to that. Otherwise, you have apologized and set things right - if she wants to talk when she returns, she can let you know…

Personally, I wouldn’t be inclined to give in to her bid for attention. Apologize, sincerely. Tell her what you have done to make things right and tell her what kind of a partner you will be for her going forward… if that’s not enough for her, you are best to walk away. 

Lesson(s) learned, I hope. Live your life with integrity and chose a relationship (partner) for yourself that brings you peace  - not drama. 

Edited July 30, 2024 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, josh454 said:

Why do I want her back? Well, I find her very attractive. I know, kinda shallow, but I do.

Yes, she can be immature at times, but if I still wanted her back, what can we do or not do?

So this relationship is based on nothing but physical attractiveness... got it.  

It sounds like you have no idea what a healthy relationship is.  She is acting like an immature child.  Demanding that you "fight" for her, yet she has you blocked.  This is just silly.  And again, in a mature, healthy relationship you don't give each other the passcode to your phones and let each other snoop through phones.  If someone feels the need to do that because of their own paranoia and insecurity, then they are not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship.

It's very curious that you don't find her immature, insecure and controlling behavior to be a turn-off.  There's a lot more that matters in a relationship than just physical attractiveness.

[Lotsgoingon]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

You’re saying she is good-looking? I assure you, the world is full of good-looking women, and some of them actually behave like grown up people and have a more pleasant personality than she. 

And for every mean personality trait a good-looking woman (or man) has, the allure of that beauty rapidly fades. 

[basil67]

You open by saying your girl "went through your history and found some explicit images your ex had sent you four months before I started dating my current girlfriend".......A few posts later you say it was "one of those relationship meme videos that people forward on Instagram"

What was it?  Nakey photos of your ex or relationship meme videos?  Or both?   I think her reaction to finding explicit images of your ex is quite reasonable

And there's probably nothing you can do to fix it as the trust is broken.

[SurfCity]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

What? I don’t know anyone who considers non-sexual, non-romantic texting with an ex cheating.

That's the thing, we don't know that the messages were non-sexual or non-romantic. There was a meme which was a "relationship" meme, but he will not answer if the text messages were sexual or not so there's a high chance that they were. That's break up worthy for most people. 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

That's the thing, we don't know that the messages were non-sexual or non-romantic.

In his opening post OP said when his girlfriend was looking in his device, she found "explicit images" from the ex.  

[josh454]

36 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

That's the thing, we don't know that the messages were non-sexual or non-romantic. There was a meme which was a "relationship" meme, but he will not answer if the text messages were sexual or not so there's a high chance that they were. That's break up worthy for most people. 

Yes, I was sent n*des by my ex 4 months prior to Sam and me dating. That is what she stumbled upon when she was making a video using my Snapchat on my phone, which led her to do more investigating.

The relationship memes that were being sent to me were sent 1 month after I started dating Sam.

** I don't know if I can link memes here, but here are the links to a few she sent me: **

Okay, it seems like I can't link IG memes here since it put the comment on "hidden."

But if you are still interested in seeing what memes, some of them were from the Instagram page @meetquack.

[josh454]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

So this relationship is based on nothing but physical attractiveness... got it.  

That's one of the many reasons. Prior to this happening, everything was pretty good most of the time. She is a very sweet and caring person, and I think we really fell for each other.

I'm just trying to be as honest as I can with you guys without holding anything back. I'm not afraid to say what most people are thinking in the back of their heads.

[josh454]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

As a woman, I would say that this kind of talk reminds me of a young and immature woman who still has a bit of a fairytale notion about relationships. 

She is just a woman, not a princess. You are not her prince, you do not need to participate in a sh£t  test to “prove your love” and you are not going to “fight for her.” The reason why you are not going to do it is because this will only be the first of many such tests she will give you… You made a mistake - a big mistake - and you have learned your lesson. Your ex is now blocked and all offending photos/messages have been deleted. She is travelling, if she would like to continue to message while she is travelling, you are amenable to that. Otherwise, you have apologized and set things right - if she wants to talk when she returns, she can let you know…

Personally, I wouldn’t be inclined to give in to her bid for attention. Apologize, sincerely. Tell her what you have done to make things right and tell her what kind of a partner you will be for her going forward… if that’s not enough for her, you are best to walk away. 

Lesson(s) learned, I hope. Live your life with integrity and chose a relationship (partner) for yourself that brings you peace  - not drama. 

This was very helpful, Bailey. Thank you for typing this.

One quick question: From what I'm understanding, you are telling me to leave it alone until she unblocks me, responds to my messages, or returns from her trip. Is that correct?

[SurfCity]

8 minutes ago, josh454 said:

Yes, I was sent n*des by my ex 4 months prior to Sam and me dating. That is what she stumbled upon when she was making a video using my Snapchat on my phone, which led her to do more investigating.

So nothing after you were dating in the text messages? You deleted the texts so there was nothing inappropriate in there from after you started dating?

9 hours ago, josh454 said:

What do you think? Should I wait for her to unblock me? I don't think it would be right to start looking for other people so soon.

If you're blocked on everything you should probably leave her alone. I don't know what she means by fighting for her, but people say things they don't mean during a break up. It's possible that she didn't mean it or changed her mind later when she said fight for her.

There's nothing wrong with being single for a bit without any hope of getting back together with her. 

[SurfCity]

43 minutes ago, basil67 said:

In his opening post OP said when his girlfriend was looking in his device, she found "explicit images" from the ex.  

Yes, but I want to know about after he was dating the new gf. Were there any explicit text messages from after he got together with the new girl.