notmakingsense Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Happy New Year's Eve Everyone! I've been NC for about a month now. It has started to feel better... I'm accepting the fact that we weren't meant to be and coming to terms with the situation... starting to move on. I still think of her constantly, and I still have that secretly hidden piece of my heart that wants her back -- but, I'm starting to feel better about myself and visualizing myself living a life without her. Then, just today, I had to be in an area that I know she frequents a lot. Damn -- that was the toughest thing I had to do in 3 weeks. I could feel my heart-rate go up tremendously -- my eyes constantly darting around keeping watch out for her -- my mind spinning endlessly trying to think of how to act and what to say if I saw her. I realized that if I see her, I'll simply melt and have to start all over again. This realization is sooooo discouraging! It feels like I haven't made any progress at all. I guess this is normal -- and I just need to vent. I know it gets better -- but I feel right now like I'll never be able to see her again. Its as if my heart is forever under a spell.
pippen_2k Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 That must be a good sign! and I too went through that phase at the start of the year. From desperatly wantinmg to see and contact them - to - Scared and not wanting to run into them. Must be a step in the right direction, and your well on ur way!
Author notmakingsense Posted January 1, 2006 Author Posted January 1, 2006 Thanks for your replies! Cali -- I try very hard to avoid places that she goes. Its eventually going to happen -- I just hope that I can avoid it for several more months -- the amount of time I think I need to get over her. Pippen -- Yes! That's a great way to look at it! Thanks for the encouragement!
Just Visiting Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 *whew* good to know that I am not the only one currently experiencing this. A friend of mine gave me a ride to my sister's house this evening, we had to drive by my old neighbourhood where I lived with my ex. Believe me, my heart sank and it was beating fast. I felt sad going through that area knowing that my ex is around, plus I saw his Cherokee parked by the apt building where we lived together. It's really sad to realize that part is gone now. And I couldn't help but wonder what he had planned for tonight, if it was with someone else or just staying at home with his 5 yr old son (last year, the three of us went out and celebrated together). But I got through it. It has been 3.5 months since we broke up and it has been a tough journey. But I am getting better and stronger, but I am still not ready for any close encounters...I admit that. I am thankful though. Because if we didn't break up, it wouldn't have given me the extra push needed to do some interal work. So whenever I feel myself going down that path of self-pity, sadness, or memories, I remember that things happen for a reason. And that there is a lesson to be learned from every experience.
chocolate_boy Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 God yeah! Too true, I saw my ex out last night but luckily we walked right past each other in a busy bar and she didn't notice me. She is best friends with my neighbor and her car has been there all weekend, I can hear them in the next room laughing etc now. I've been on strict NC for about 8 weeks now and feel lots better. I had some friends stay with me for NYE and they parked their car in a carpark I share with my neighbor, I felt so terrified this morning when opening the gates etc. that my ex was gonna come out and get into her car at the same time, so was rushing my friends along. It is a bit upsetting, feel a bit like a prisoner in my own home, but not a lot I can do about it, but I prey I don't see her again. Even opening my window her car is parked there still where she used to park it when she stayed at mine, with my fluffy dice I bought her still in the window It is wierd, but I don't feel sadness as such, more like I wish she would go away and not be near me. Although in a way appearing all smug and maybe just saying "hey" would be fun. She did sms me twice in December, the most recent one on Friday but I ignored them, yay me!
chocolate_boy Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Avoid places she hangs out at. Period. I'm lucky in a way cos all the places we hung out when we were together were places in my neighborhood (she stayed at mine 24/7 for about 8 months last year pretty much!), so they're all my haunts. However her now being best best friends with the girl who lives in the room above me (they only really met properly through me too, d'oh!) is awkward, not a lot I can do short of move apartment, but that's a bit drastic!
Author notmakingsense Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 Thanks for your replies Chocolate Boy and Just Visiting... Just Visiting... it's been 3.5 months, and you still feel that way? Ugh. I think it will be the same for me. I'm just very sensitive about this I guess. I know that she's much more extroverted than I am, and has a very strong base of friends... whereas I'm more of a loner -- so when I see her, I'll be thinking about how much better off she is than I am -- even if it isn't necessarily true. Chocolate.... Her best friend lives next door, and you can hear her? That has to be tough! I live in a small town, so the chances of running in to her are quite high. I have been avoiding places that she frequents, but it is just a matter of time. I'm trying to rehearse (in my head) what I will do if I see her. I think I'll be very courteous -- but I'll also pretend to be busy, and have places to go.... I definitely don't want to find out much about what is going on in her life...
chocolate_boy Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Chocolate.... Her best friend lives next door, and you can hear her? That has to be tough! I live in a small town, so the chances of running in to her are quite high. I have been avoiding places that she frequents, but it is just a matter of time. Yeah it was tough at first, what made it worse is that my neighbor was one of my closest friends for about 2 years, then she got to know my girlfriend when we were together, last summer it was cool, like an episode of friends, my neighbor, my girlfriend, my flatmate and I would hang out all the time, watch TV go to cafe's etc. But when my girlfriend and I split, my neighbor gradually lost touch with me and became my ex's shoulder to cry on.. so lost a good friend as well, so it has been tough. But f*ck em, I guess people show their true colors sometimes, and it is sad, but what can you do?
In Sync Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Happy New Year's Eve Everyone! I've been NC for about a month now. It has started to feel better... I'm accepting the fact that we weren't meant to be and coming to terms with the situation... starting to move on. I still think of her constantly, and I still have that secretly hidden piece of my heart that wants her back -- but, I'm starting to feel better about myself and visualizing myself living a life without her. Then, just today, I had to be in an area that I know she frequents a lot. Damn -- that was the toughest thing I had to do in 3 weeks. I could feel my heart-rate go up tremendously -- my eyes constantly darting around keeping watch out for her -- my mind spinning endlessly trying to think of how to act and what to say if I saw her. I realized that if I see her, I'll simply melt and have to start all over again. This realization is sooooo discouraging! It feels like I haven't made any progress at all. I guess this is normal -- and I just need to vent. I know it gets better -- but I feel right now like I'll never be able to see her again. Its as if my heart is forever under a spell. Hey you ARE making progress as long as you maintain NC. It's an up and down road in trying to recover and regain your footing again. I too went through the same anxiety about running into the "X" after the 1st month of NCing. (and live in NYC a city with 7 million people + some, and still there is always a chance encounter with an ex a.k.a a ghost.) So I avoided subway lines, movie theatres, stores, and definitely his neighborhood. Finally someone here on LS, advised me to quit living in fear of running into him. You can't do that, and she was right. I see the light. Of course I don't promote going out of your way to go to her hang outs, but if you happen to see her, NC has helped build your inner strength. If you can avoid contact-do it, if you can't a simple greeting is best, no lengthy chit-chat, which will lead to more pain. Lately I am embracing the fact the "X" and I can co-exist in this world. He doesn't own it, and I have nothing to fear from seeing him.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 Thanks In Sync -- you are right, I shouldn't live in fear. However, I do want to avoid contact until I'm at such a point where I feel better about myself and my life. I'm afraid that if I were to see her tomorrow, no matter how brief a hello or busy I'd appear, she'd see right through to my inner torment. You are lucky you are in NYC.... I'm in a small town. But one lucky thing is that I'm commuting away from the area every day for work, so running in to her is mostly a possibility on the weekends.
Just Visiting Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Yeah, it is still tough at times. I am still on very good terms with members of my ex's family. They think that he is a dumba** for letting me go. Apparently his mom is still trying to process the break up, he hasn't talked about it with anyone it seems. But still, I have let go of that and it is a process.
jomaxfury Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 But f*ck em, I guess people show their true colors sometimes, and it is sad, but what can you do? It's so true! Thats why it is important IMO to build a friendship before in a relationship, no matter how long it takes. I learned the hard way...at first the x seemed like she came from a sweet humble family and that she knew what she wanted! But little by little her skeletons started comming out of the closet...her insecurities, values, morals, and instability in her family, completely were opposite from what she acted out. I was being drag into something I couldn't fix. I was trying my hardest to help her in anyway with what I had. All she wanted was security and not love!!!!!! My heart still hurts when I pass by her neghborhood. Thinking that her friend told me that after she left me she started to party more and got kicked out of her own home in which her stepdad was really verbally abusive and her mom did not do anything, about her getting kicked out. It breaks my heart but she wants nothing to do with me. During the break up, I loved her so much that I did not chased her around I simply respected her wishes and never contacted her again. It's been so tough, because everyone told us that we were going to get married for sure and I also thought! But I look back now of the type of person she is. I now know for a fact that anymore involvement would have been devasting in the long run. The way I look at it is that I am glad she did this for the both of us. That way I don't have that much anger towards her. Its been 5 months now and I still have some memories of her but they fade fast... Hang in there, I go to the same Uni as her, but luckily I am graduating this coming semester...It's hard give it more time, don't know how long but have patience..NC has been the guiding light! God Bless!
Author notmakingsense Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 jomaxfury -- at least you are realizing that it wouldn't have worked out... Im my case, I'm accepting that she doesn't feel the same way for me as I do her - and that's the reason it won't work out -- but nothing dramatic enough to make the accpetance happen more quickly. What is especially sad (to me) about your post is that she never contacted you again. I have maintained no contact as well, yet despite being afraid of it, I just can't get over wishing that she'll break her silence someday
jomaxfury Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 jomaxfury -- at least you are realizing that it wouldn't have worked out... Im my case, I'm accepting that she doesn't feel the same way for me as I do her - and that's the reason it won't work out -- but nothing dramatic enough to make the accpetance happen more quickly. What is especially sad (to me) about your post is that she never contacted you again. I have maintained no contact as well, yet despite being afraid of it, I just can't get over wishing that she'll break her silence someday Yeah I know NotMaking! All those thoughts that you have, I once had and still have! We have to, sometimes use our logic and not our hearts because sometimes it becomes a battle between them. I use to think that my exgf was my world but she is not. Why do you want her to break her silence and rip your heart again...why would I want my ex to contact me after so long when I have move on and open up old wounds? Is not fair to you to have your mind occupied to see if she ever contacts you and if she doesn't ? Is normal to feel like your feeling. As the days go by you'll start to forget how long it was since the break up, Before you know it's five months and then years. If it wasn't for LS I would have not known what to do...These loving people have been through this harsh road and are willing to share their experiences with us.. Keep the NC..Don't search her for answers look deep inside of you...but I mean really look inside of you and ask is she really worth your hurt your pain that your going through and put you through! James Oppenheim once said "The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, and the wise man grows it under its feet" Let them find happiness out there, once you grown it under you feet you'll know what to expect and will find it sooner and wont settle for less. While the foolish don't know what to expect out there and it becomes a tidious, confusing struggle searching for it and at the end they settle for less...
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