Growing bitter towards everyone, especially women :(

[WWDDFD]

I have a problem, and it's driving me crazy.

 

 

I've been having a pretty tough few years; ever since I decided to start dating people (when I was 23; I'm 25 now). It seems like every time I try, I end up with a complete disaster on my hands and it gets worse every time...

 

and lately I've found myself growing more and more bitter towards everyone and everything. I haven't talked to anyone in 5 weeks (except my therapist). I was completely alone for Christmas and I'm completely alone tonight, on New Years, when 99% of the world is off having fun; and I am angry and sad and depressed and bitter and resentful and hateful.

 

 

My personal life is a complete mess. I really have no friends left anymore, and the ones I did have, I didn't even really like anyways.

 

 

I lent $16,000 to my parents to fix their house up and they can't pay me back because they buy and buy and buy and buy bull**** things that they don't need. Right now they're off on a 2 week vacation in Germany and France with my brother and my sister; on MY MONEY, and I'm stuck here, watching over their house and their dog, going crazy out of my mind because they didn't even ask me to do it, they just assumed I would.

 

I gave out $5,000 to my ex-fiancee, whom I broke up with 5 weeks ago. I feel lied to and violated and used by her. While we were "together", she would always tell me how much she thought that marrying me would be a great idea, but she refused to even hug me or sit on the couch next to me whenever she came over to my apartment. Hell most of the time she never even wanted to come over, even though we lived across the hall from each other in the same apartment building (it was my idea; she wanted to live together, I tend to be a little more socially conservative and I wasn't comfortable with living with her at first).

 

I was verbally and emotionally abused the entire time we were together, and yes it's my fault I put up with it and kept deluding myself into believing that it would get better, and now I feel stupid and angry and confused, because a part of me still loves her, even though I'm the one who ended it. She's probably already dating someone else (she always told me that she would find someone new right away if we ever broke up; "everyone loves me") and here I am, wallowing in my sorrow and I hate doing this but I can't help my emotions.

 

She skipped town 3 days after I ended it; the landlord is pissed off at me because she didn't pay her electric, water, or rent; and left half of her belongings in the apartment for him to clean out. She always told me that no matter what happened with us, we'd always remain great friends and she'd pay me back, but after I broke up with her she told me that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

 

That hurt me more than anything else in the world, because I truly thought of her as my best friend in the world and now I feel like I've been duped all along. And this isn't the first time either;

 

All four of my relationships were similar in nature; all lied to me or abused me somehow. One girl told me she was 21 and turned out to be 16, and was already in a relationship with two other guys, even though she kept telling me that she wanted to marry me. One told me that she wanted to be in a relationship with me, when it turns out she was already in a long distance relationship with someone else, and another screamed and yelled at me all the time. And now finally this one, who took my money and ran.

 

 

I don't know what to do I don't know who to trust and I'm at wits end. My family screws me over and then makes me feel bad about it when I confront them about it, my friends are insincere, and my relationships are just complete jokes.

 

I started going to therapy but it's going too slow and it's driving me crazy. I've been going for 4 weeks and the only thing I've found out about myself is that I'm codependent and that only made me feel worse, rather than better.

 

I've been thinking about killing myself a lot lately, and it's only getting worse. I feel like I want to send a message to everyone "see this is what you get for treating me like **** my whole life" but the fact is I'm just too lazy and insecure to even kill myself. I'm afraid I'll screw it up and make my life even worse, get locked up in a nuthouse or something. hooray hooray.

 

 

What's worse is that I feel worthless because no one loves me in the entire world, and yet I don't even want anyone too. I no longer want to be around anyone, I intentionally distance myself from everyone and act like I don't like them and I actually think I want to be alone. When my parents come back from vacation, I feel like telling them I'm never talking to them again, and they can keep the $16,000 (like they'd ever pay it back anyways!).

 

I started screaming in the car the other day; I haven't raised my voice for anything since I was a teenager, and yet this a**h*** was driving 20 miles an hour on a freeway onramp where the limit is 55 and you're supposed to be going that fast to merge; I started screaming "GET THE **** OUT OF MY WAY YOU a**h***" and almost got into an accident because I swerved into the margin to speed past him... and I didn't even care if I got into an accident. This is not me though! I've never done anything like that before and I don't know why I did that and I started crying because I'm really starting to scare the living **** out of myself.

 

I'm so lost, alone, and I don't know what to do anymore.

[dahlia]

Hey, for what it's worth, I hear you. I, too was alone on Xmas and now New Years. Basically, it was a choice. I had a few friends invite me to different parties, my neighbors invited me, and this guy friend would have come over in a heartbeat, but, I don't want to be with any of them.

 

My ex of 4 yrs dumped me two mths ago. He lived in my house and I paid for everything. He did not work. He had a dui, so he couldn't drive and never asked the judge for a provisional license. I actually was ok with that for a yr or so, but, after a while, he really started taking advantage of me. He ignored me, never called me while I was away on business, never talked to me, didn't want anymore physical connection, and basically I got the big picture that he wasn't into me anymore. I confronted him on this on many occasions, and he denied it. Basically he said I was just a b....... anyway, after being gone on business for a few days, I came home to an empty house. He left and moved back in with his parents. They live 200 miles away, so there is no running into each other. He has only called me once, to tell me he is working, has a girlfriend, etc.

 

So, believe me, I know how you feel. I have tried to date others. But everytime that I do, I come home and feel worse.

 

Sorry you are going thru this. Do you live in the states? West, East, South? Anyway, keep your chin up. Maybe we will be alone for the rest of our lives, but hey, it's better than being taken advantage of and used

[Outcast]

People can only make you a doormat if you lie down. It's pointless to allow people to use you and then resent them for it. You have to grow yourself a spine, set goals, and work toward them. You do not give people you're not married to money. If you know your parents spend money, don't give them any.

 

You are the engineer of your own issues - surely your therapist has some theories about why - but it's to you to fix. It's not even that hard to do - but you have to realize you've been trying to buy love and allow people their way with you thinking that will make them happy and then they'll love you. It doesn't work like that.

[Becoming]

Listen to Outcast. She's right on target.

 

No wonder you don't want to be with people and push them away. You assume they'll hurt you. But they need to know where the boundaries are with you regarding what's OK and what's not OK with you. If you don't tell them and post no boundaries for how they cannot treat you, then it's open season and you're the big buck. You've got to make it clear what you will and will not do and stick with it. If this makes others angry, it's not your problem; it's theirs.

 

I may be out of line here, but it sounds like you smush onto people with the expectation that they'll just naturally take care of you if you take care of them. They won't. It's your job to take care of you and theirs to take care of them. If you want to give a gift, give a gift with no expecation of return.

 

Once you start acting in ways that are good for YOU, you'll get your life back and relationships will be easier. Some will even be good. Until then, may you enjoy your own company and find out who you really are and what you really want.

 

May 2006 be a year of healing for you!

[In Sync]

WWDDFD and all others who've ever felt this way.

 

STOP IT! JUST STOP IT...really. Take a minute and just say, I have had enough of this and I am going to change. Because the thing I have learn from my moments of despair to survival is this...Your Life is a Reflection of Every thought you had. Uh huh. Everyone in your life and all your experiences are a result of the choices you've made. But the nasty part we all hate to admit is that we are the ones making those choices..it's much easier to point to the others, be it bf/gf mother, father,your boss, your landlord..even your dog...and blame them. It's so much easier to say they treated me like this because that takes any responsibility out of your hands. Hey, you got a gf who treated you like crap..ask yourself how did you get this girl, did someone put a gun to your head and make you stay with her? As for your parents, did you evaluate whether the money loan was a good idea, was there another option like bank loans? And lending money to your ex-f..come on, who made that decision. I'm not saying that you should be held responsible for their actions but STOP and say to yourself how did I let this happen. What is it about me that finds myself being used?

Next, I do believe if you focus on the negative, like magic, the negative comes into your life. Because our minds are so powerful that without realizing it, we all welcome things/events/people in our lives because our attention or focus was on it. I can honestly say it works for me both ways, I focused on not wanting a lousy relationship and subconsciously I invited a bad relationship into my life..but I also focus on a successful acting career and I have that. Until I learn or you learn to put the focus on what we want not on the negative image of what we don't want...we continue to welcome unpleasant things in our lives! But I repeat that takes a lot of work to focus positively and so it's easier to let whatever happens and start blaming...the others.

For example you say you don't want to be alone, but in your mind you are obsessed with knowing you are alone..ergo you manifest it and it's fact.

 

You've got to stop blaming and take stock of your life. AND most of all control your thought process. If you are successful in something, how did that happen, by magic? I don't think so...YOU MADE IT HAPPEN.

Get it out of your head right now about killing yourself, that poisonous thought is already happening even if it's not literal.

Whew...I'm tired and have to go open my bottle of champagne. Happy New Year!

[l13578920001]

I know how you feel, I am 21. Two relationships. I did everything in my power to make them work. They didn't. I totally understand about your anger. That is pretty normal. I seriously thought of changing my nice guy routine and being an ass. I guess I finally game to this conlcusion. Love is an adventure. The reason that one person loves another and why it is special is because of the risk. They take that chance. You have to keep rolling the dice. I have been through some tough times. I dated a girl for a year and half. I did everything and paid for everything for that girl. She broke up with me on the phone. She said it is not working, and that is the last time I have ever talked to her. I did not think I could get over that. I did

 

I found another love of my life, she broke my heart two days before christmas. I am trying to get over it, I think I will

 

Killing yourself is not that answer. Life is tough and you have to keep fighting. Life would not be worth living if you did not have times like this. My advice to you is join a gym. Every bit of free time you have go to that gym and work out. That is what I do. When I think about my ex I work out. Eventually you will be in better shape and will find a better girl. In my experience God does not give you something that you cannot handle. I could not handle the situation your are in, you are tougher than me.

[SpaceCoyote]

You've got a lot going on there, WWDDFD. The sheer length of your post tells me that you have a lot of feelings pent up inside you. I would urge you not to push away those who are closest to you. When you are at the depths of your despair.... when all you can contemplate are the worst things in your life, it helps to have some type of support network, to at least know that someone understands your pain.

 

I know what you mean about therapy. Unfortunately, by its nature therapy is a slow process. Your issues have probably been a long time in the making, so they won't be quickly undone. And the process will actually make you feel worse for a while before it finally starts to make you feel better. All of this is natural.

 

Good luck to you, and hang in there. Do what you can to rebuild your life, however slowly. Going to therapy is good step forward. Continuing to take those little steps is all you can do.

[taylor3205]

Well said InSync, we are masters of our own destiny. And your not the only one that didnt have the wonderful gr8 celebratory NYE either, cos Im a member of that club too.

 

But like Dahlia it was through choice. Had a few places to go but I just didnt want too, didnt feel like seeing anyone and I certainly didnt feel like celebrating.

 

Mind you I have had a few good nights out over xmas. Was just last night for some reason.

[taylor3205]

Mind you I have had a few good nights out over xmas. Was just last night for some reason.

..............and today!