Ja5e Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 Known a girl as a friend for a few years now , but about 18 months ago I realised I had feelings for her. I tried the usual , thought about other things whenever I started thinking of her , backed off a bit , made excuses not to do things with her etc etc. This lasted about 3 months and she got upset that I`d not been there. So I resumed doing friendly things with her , cinema , days out , nights out , nights in etc The feelings got stronger and I started getting mixed signals from her until one day I decided I could take no more and had to tell her. It didnt come as a surprise to her , and I was actually shocked at how much thinking she`d been doing about "us". She said she was about to bring up the subject with me but I beat her to the punch. I got the "just friends" speech , but mixed up with "I cant say it`ll never happen". I took this as her being nice to me and letting me down gently. So we carried on as friends , but this time it was more intense - she took to inviting me out,chatting for hours on the phone ( including a marathon 10hr chat once ). Usually we`d go out in a gang , but she started seeing me for nights out with just the two of us - and these to me were more like "dates" than anything else , the kind of thing I`m not used to doing with "friends". After about 6 months , mutual friends and aquaintances "assumed" we were together. When they found out we were not , they couldnt beleive it , saying we were the most couple-like pair they`d seen. Other women would tell me that she was obviously interested in more than friendship with me , but couldnt work out why she would always say she wasnt interested in me that way. Recently its got much worse , to the point where I`m getting more from her than I`ve ever got from any previous girlfriends - but getting highly confused as to whats going on !!! Last week after a night out , where we were quizzed all night as to why we werent together , I could take no more and I told her I was going to stop seeing her for my own sanity. This resulted in phone calls telling me how great I am and that she didnt want me to stop seeing her , she "loves me as a friend". I said I needed her to tell me once and for all to forget about any possible relationship with her - but she refused to say it wouldnt happen ! Friends are now telling me to tell her to get lost , that she is leading me on and likes the attention I give her. But what to do? I love her , but am undecided which is worse - stopping seeing her and losing a good friend ( but hopefully moving on with my life ) or hanging in there and hoping for a change of heart on her part. I can see the replies now - I`m just getting it off my chest , but just wondered if anyone has been here before and made a decision - and how it turned out.
Author Ja5e Posted December 31, 2005 Author Posted December 31, 2005 Sad that I am sitting in on New years eve and not a a party with her - because she is there!!
Nicholas Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 I love her , but am undecided which is worse - stopping seeing her and losing a good friend ( but hopefully moving on with my life ) or hanging in there and hoping for a change of heart on her part. Good friends aren't any good if they bring you nothing but grief. I'm sure the friendship is good, but the reality is that you don't want to be in an uncertain state somewhere between friends and lovers. It's not fair to you, and so it negatively colors any friendship you may have. In that case, I think you're on the right track. Tell her that if she wants a relationship, you're willing to give it a shot, but if she wants to carry on with the in-between crap, you're not looking for that sort of friend. It's too confusing, and gets in the way of positive emotions that could be directed towards her or anyone else. Good luck.
GirlMagnet Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Well firstly I want to commend you on your courage to tell her how you felt, but if she just wants to "be friends", she just wants to be friends. Yes I know how stressful this might feel, where you want to take this relationship to a new level but the other person doesn't. But my advice is to just move on and dont stop going to parties, etc because of her, why should you be scared of her? Why should you be torturing yourself at home when you should be out at that New Years parties having fun with your friends, chatting up OTHER girls. And to answer your question, last year I had to make a big decision (I was a major wuss back then). I had the opportunity to ask out a girl, by phone, but do you know what...I DIDNT! So that is why I learnt it is better to follow through and dont fear rejection. To know and not to do is to not know. So at least you experienced it. All the best!
Lucasarts Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 hmm dont let this one go just yet she's taking baby steps to a relationship i think, and she wants to feel you out. you say that the times you guys just hang out alone seem more like dates, well yes i would have to say they are. she seems really into you and i think she fears that she doesn't want a relationship because she doesnt want to lose you. Friends are forever they say, and thats how she's thinking. what i would do is stay in this friendship, keeping talking to each other and keep going out together. then pick the moment when you guys go out, choose somewhere romantic and go for the kiss. its at that stage where you know what she reallys wants, if she backs off or goes with it, then you know where you stand.
Author Ja5e Posted January 1, 2006 Author Posted January 1, 2006 Well , a few friends have said this also. She came out a divorce 2 yrs ago , and has a great mistrust for men now. Which I`ve let her get off her chest on many occasions. The times we have spent together , just the two of us, she always comments that she`s never felt so relaxed with anyone. She does make comments though about not wanting to appear to other people that she is "leading me on" - I always answer this by pointing out that people assuming we are together because of the way we act is not her leading me on in anyones eyes. I`ve never had so much in the way of signals from any of my previous girlfriends - in fact a few months ago a female friend quite unexpectedly kissed me one night ( and she was sober! ). When my unrequited other found out , I had what can only be described as an interrogation about it and my feelings for this other girl. After a few more "dates" ( for want of a better word ) with my beloved , the question of this other girl arose again - over a meal ( again what I would describe as a romantic outing and not the kind of thing two friends would do ) she spent a good 20 mins telling me if this girl liked me that much and was available , that I should take my opportunity and hook up with her. When i told my beloved that I had no interest in this other girl because of my feelings for her , she smiled and the rest of the night was great , more touching than ever before and more flirting on her part. One thing that has sown a seed of doubt though - christmas presents... When we exchanged gifts , she said she had been stressed out over what to buy me as a gift , and had decided not to give me her original gift as she thought it "too boyfriend/girlfriend". She wouldnt tell me what it was. When she opened her gift from me , she said she was speechless and had never had such a well thought out gift before. So , yes , I have also wondered if her reluctance to let me back off and get her out of my head ( and she knows it kills me to be with her feeling like I do ) is down to her maybe wanting more but being scared due to being messed around by her ex? I dont know , It sooo good when we are together and I always feel euphoric for a few days after seeing her , but then I get down over the situation. Which is why I have to make a decision. I have also been told , as you suggest , to wait for a romantic moment and jut go for it , make a move and either get kissed back or slapped ! if she slapped me though - I`d feel really bad that I`d put her in that position and I`d hate her to think less of me for doing it. Thanks for taking the time to read my post anyway :-)
Author Ja5e Posted January 1, 2006 Author Posted January 1, 2006 Hey nice art by the way lucasarts :-)
Lucasarts Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 haha thanks man and i def can see the potential wit you 2 thats for sure dont give it up and just wait for that perfect ooportunity to take her breath away *literally
Deirdre Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 rationally she wasnt ready yet. but she sorta likes you, and probably is afraid that if she said yes you will hurried her, and she wished to take it slow. and she is probably refusing to admit her feelings. in the state of denial so to speak. somehow when it comes to such matters men and women are forever in denial.
Author Ja5e Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Update... Over the xmas period , I was having to work heavily ( like 72hrs straight on one occasion ). So i was either working or sleeping most of the time. During this period , i got maybe a txt message once every 3 days from her , which i replied to. No great shakes there. But earlier this week , I got a txt while I was rushing out the door late for an appointment - so my reply was quite short and to the point , but i took care to add a "take care" to the end of it. This resulted in a late night reply fom her along the lines of "Ok i get the message you <expletive deleted>" !!! i replied questioning what I`d done to deserve that. Her reply was merely to ask why I`d been so quiet since xmas. This was followed next day by an apology from her and a promise that it wouldnt happen again. I saw her today to give her a birthday gift - which she loved and again I got a profuse apology for her txt earlier in the week. She also added that she had scrubbed out of her diary a show we had agreed to see next week - but should she now pencil it in again. !!! We couldnt really talk as other people were around , so i said I would like to talk to her soon about this whole situation and added that in my eyes she was acting like a girlfriend and not a friend. I have friends who may not hear from me for several months - I dont get such emotive messages from them when this happens!!! So now I`m thinking why did she react like that. A female friend said that personaly she would only react like that when she was in a relationship with a guy and hadnt heard from him. ???? I think I`m going to have to again try and explain just how tortuous it is to be in love with a close friend to her. Hopefully she`ll understand this time how hard it is for me to be so close,yet so far away ( if you see what I mean ) ??
apathygrip1234 Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 tell her you found a GF and see how she reacts....hehe
Author Ja5e Posted January 22, 2006 Author Posted January 22, 2006 Hmmm tried that one ages ago - actually went and got myself a genuine girlfriend - but still had the feelings for the friend , thought it unfair to hurt anybody else while feeling like i do so broke it off.
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