ZurichisStained Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 Hey everyone. So, here's my plight. My girlfriend of 10 months and I recently broke up (surprising! considering the forum). Anyway, we both became incredibly close, and decided that we would probably even want to marry each other. There was a problem with this however, which is that neither of us really had that much previous experience. She had only a couple other 3 or 4 month relationships, whereas I had previously never had a long term relationship. We both decided that we didn't want to go out for years only to find that one of us remained in love with the other, with the other suddenly found someone new and wanted a break up. We then decided to set a date, exactly a year after when we broke up, to meet back together, and hopefully begin our relationship anew, and possibly even continue it for the rest of our lives. here's a chronology to help understand the relationship: -We began to go out in february. -Over the summer, we began to really fall in love with each other. -In october, we 'broke up' for a week for the same reason as above, which is that we felt 'doomed', and knew that we both probably wanted a couple more relationships before we finally settled down with each other. However, due to the arbitrary nature of this decision, as it was caused by no catalyst, i wrote her a very long, sappy letter, asking to reconsider our decision, and was about to mail it to her, when she showed up at my residence and said that she thought we made a mistake. -Finally, about two weeks ago, someone at her work admitted his feelings to her. She told him that this made her happy, and actually thought about ending our relationship to go out with him. However, she called me that day, and she said hearing my voice completely changed her decision, and she knew she could not go out with the guy, because she would feel much too guilty. After much talking, we decided that the proper solution would be to break up for exactly a year, and to meet each other at a certain location, upon which we would decide whether what we felt was truly love, and if we were prepared to have a long term relationship. (she also said that she could never go out with that guy who had feelings towards her, because she now hates him since he was the spark that ended our relationship) Anyway, we decided to see each other as little as possible over the next year, for doing so (at least in the next few months) would most likely end up with us being together again, and rendering our decision useless. However, after two weeks of grieving, i have realized that this decision would be a very, very hard one. My question is, should i contact her in some way? I have decided directly talking to her would not be beneficial, for the reason said above. However, I am strongly inclined to begin sending her letters, not love letters, but penpal style letters, just really to say things that happened and such, and hopefully so I could have a chance to see her reply. I think this would be good, but I realize I am currently not in a completely 'stable' state of thinking, and so may not be making the best decision currently. Also, on a smaller note, i would like to know your guy's opinions of our decision. We decided that we would both believe this was the right thing to do no matter what anyone told us, for that was the only way we could do something like this, but it helps to know what other people think. (Also, just so you guys know, we are both 19) -Thank you very much for the time spent reading this long (and probably boring) post.
l13578920001 Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 I know how it is to wait, I am waiting right now and it sucks. Honestly I am going through a pretty tough time right now so I will be blunt. (Look at my other post) Do what your heart tells you.Tell you how you fell. Trust me. I know that I am way to jeolous of a guy to take a girl back if they have fooled around with someone else. The problem with your solution of a year break is that it will spiral into a competition. I know that. I have been in relationships that were all about who had more power. Say if you call her and she is out with a guy, and you are sitting at home playing video games, how will that make you feel? It will be a constant struggle. From experience I was 17 years old. We dated for a year and a half. I thought she was the love of my life. We broke up. I thought i could never love again and that no girl would every match up to her. I was wrong. I dated someone else for a year love of my love. We are now on break. What I am telling you is that if you need to take a year break from the love of your love, she is not that love of your life, and there a lot of girls out there. Whatever I say is unimportant. THere is not right or wrong. You have to learn that for yourself. I know for me that I currently beggin my I guess girlfriend not take a break. Ever guy friend in the planet said that I am better than here and I should dump her. I still do not care. Go with what your heart says. I do not think your heart wants a break, listen to it
salmagundi Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 listen Zurich, in the nicest way possible I have to tell you that what you and your girlfriend are doing is the stupidest f***king thing I have ever heard. You guys have an overly romantic idea of love. You seem to be saying that you dont want to be together unless its forever so you are going to torture each other for the next year uselessly only, at the end, find that one or both of you has moved on and you're left with nothing. Love is never forever. It might be for 2months , 2 years of 40 years but it will end. It has to be lived in the moment. If right now you two want to be together than you will come to regret that you are not. You should be together and live whatever it isyou two have to live together until it ends. And when it does end it will hurt but you will have memories and the experience to take to your next relationship. All past relationships are vital to your future relationships. So get back together. When its over its over but let it run its course because what you are trying to do is determine its course and you cant. Nobody can. salmagundi
Author ZurichisStained Posted January 1, 2006 Author Posted January 1, 2006 thank you for the blunt, yet useful reply salmagundi. so, since you completely disagree with my decision, what, in your opinion, would be a suitable alternate solution. Many times the conversation of us being doomed has come up, as we both know that we could not have a marriage in which we were both completely attached to each other with such a barrier in between us. i think a longer relationship would be hindered by this fact, as it is difficult to truly have feelings with someone you know you must break up with someday. do you think i should try to stay broken up with her, but get over her, and disregard the future meeting date? or do you think we should continue our relationship anew, and hope that we don't feel this way again? your help is very, very appreciated.
greyhound Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Hi. I am going through some of these threads this am and came across yours. I have to agree with sal (pardon the abbreviation). You both are going to "torture" yourselves for a year because???!!! Right, I didn't end the sentence. If you both feel that you don't want to be committed yet then go out and try others. If you come back to each other, great. If you don't, then it wasn't meant to be. I guess, perhaps, I am an "old geezer", lol in my early 50's. I count at least 5 times I have said that I have found the love of my life, only at some point to have it end. But I never even thought about torturing myself and my other for a year.The word "doomed" is haunting me. Are you both playing "i'm gonna end this now before I get hurt" at the same time??!! It is usually one or the other. If you are BOTH in this state, you both DO need to try others. In a definition of "love", you must have trust, you must have faith, and you must be willing to extend yourselves to aid the other. I'm not reading this here. I guess, I would keep in touch with each other, be HONEST, if someone else comes along that you want to see, try it. And don't be "real hurt" if she does the same. You might truly find that you were meant for each other. You might also find that this relationship was a "bridge" to one that is more profound. Good luck and PLEASE call off the "torture".
Author ZurichisStained Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 Well, I decided to talk to my girlfriend about our decision, and I would just like to say thank you, thank you, to everyone who decided to reply to this post, especially salmagundi. This was my first relationship, and I see now my mistake had been that this whole time, I thought my relationship with my girlfriend was somehow 'more' special than anyone else's. I thought she was the 'one', and began to destroy all other desires to date other women and to find myself. However, after talking to her, I realized that we were no longer on the same page, and whereas the first time we 'broke' up, we both felt the same emotions, this time we did not. After talking to my girlfriend, I realized that she did not want to settle down this early, and that was all she could forsee doing with me if we continued to date. Instead, she decided that she would love to be friends with me, whenever I am ready to move on. I would especially like to say thank you, because if, after torturing myself an entire year, and finding this out, I am sure I would have been devastated. Instead, after listening to your advice (especially salmagundi's, because it was so harshly against my decision), I have saved a potential massive breakdown from occuring, as well as kept one of my best friends I have ever had. I realize now that it is silly to try to control love, as it destroys it, and I have decided to completely obliterate any hopes of having any future chances with my girlfriend. If we get back together in the distant future, then so be it, but by then, I will surely have found many other girls that I love just as much, if not more. Again, I don't want to sound condescending, but I am really amazed by your advice, Salmagundi. I didn't want to admit that I may be wrong before, I wanted to hold on to my idea of pure love. If I have any future troubles, I humbly request that you help me in the future. You saved me from a lot of hardship, and from losing what I was fighting to keep, and I greatly appreciate it. I realize it will be hard to get over my girlfriend, but a massive weight has in a way, lifted off my shoulders, thank you everyone.
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