This is so stupid. Why does it still hurt??..

[damwinston]

So yes, it really is definitely over between me and him. And yes, I really am glad (because I care about my sanity more than him and he is making me going insane).

Like I posted he was here last week - he has a house (well he has a house that was left to him in a will but the will is being contested and due to some strange circumstances I am the only one that can testify on his behalf).

Really strange circumstances.

I have been out with a couple of guys since him and had a good time, but I admit I can't stop thinking about him.

I am not a NC kind of person. I want to fight it out and then either be friends or be enemies. Yet here I am, again doing what feels wrong, going NC.

Then, to make me feel worse when he was up here he showed up at my house and my parents let him in. Yes, I live with my parents again.

I couldn't help but notice the little, irritating things about him. Like he was not clean shaven because she likes the "scruffy" look which makes him look like $hit.

Then I saw her. Oh lordy. I wonder how she could have had such beautiful children when she looks like that.

He talked to me a bit and said something to the effect of "well my family (like mother, brothers, etc.) convinced me to try to work it out."

Well hate to break it to you but it wasn't me that broke it. It was already broken. She has had 3 affairs (and I have two of their phone numbers but no, have never called either and never will). So what does he think is going to happen when it doesn't work out. He is going to come here and be with me. I'd rather shoot myself (and no I am not suicidal - just being rational) .

And what about those poor kids? They are or were being abused by her. Not just emotionally, I mean physically and I suspect sexually.

How did I get myself into this mess? I thought I did it right. I had broken up with my bf before ANYTHING happened between us and I heard him tell her that he had met someone else (at last something he can't lie about).

So I am mad, hurt, angry, and depressed.

First, I feel pity for them because he is going down both in his business as well as with her. Second, for her because well she is a nutjob (and yes I question his sanity as well).

So why do I still care? I don't want him back in my life, even as a friend. I just want to hire David Copperfield and make this all go away. I also want to call CPS about the kids but he has threatened me about that before.

Please, I just need support.

This whole thing is making me crazy.

confused,

dammy

[damwinston]

Thanks y'all. I needed some help but no one replied.

dammy

[slubberdegullion]

Yet here I am, again doing what feels wrong, going NC.

Yet another example of "feelings" steering a person wrong.

 

(Sorry to harp on this, but this sort of thing happens all the time, fed by the psycho-babble of self-anointed counsellors with more money than sense.)

 

Even though it feels wrong, it is still the right thing to do. It gives each of you space and time to move on, and if perchance you come across him again, there is less of a chance of pining or anger towards him.

 

So you're doing the right thing, regardless of how it feels.

 

(BTW... don't be so choked that no one responded. It's a busy, busy time of year for everyone.)

[newbby]

sorry dammy,

i dont really know how to answer you. you are far better off without all that kind of drama in your life and it all sounds so messed up, very negative, not the sort of thing anyone needs to surround themselves with. keep away, keep positive. its a new year, start it out with a good plan for self and life improvement.

[Torn Up]

So why do I still care? I don't want him back in my life, even as a friend. This whole thing is making me crazy.

 

I'll tell you why it still hurts, Dammy. Same reason I'm still hurting, and most likely the reason why most people on this board continue to hurt.

 

Unlike relationships that don't involve married partners, we enter an arena of great risk....the risk of being judged by others, the risk of losing respect from our family, friends and co-workers, the risk of losing respect for OURSELVES. We also risk our hearts, knowing that there is a good possibility of coming out the loser in this type of a relationship because there is a spouse, and we take second seat to the spouse.

 

And about the time we've had enough of the sneaking around, of waiting in the shadows, the married partner begins to spoon-feed us pretty little lies, convincing us that they love us deeply, that they want to be with us, that they no longer love said spouse, that we are their "soulmate" and they now regret marrying the spouse. They ask us to wait...until the kids are grown, until the house is sold, until they can afford to move out, until they can get some bills paid off...yada, yada...and they tell us this with great conviction. And because we are in love with them, we believe it. And so...we wait...and wait...and wait. We have no guarantees, just their promises. We place our full faith in them, turning our backs on all reason or signs that we are being lied to.

 

And then...the day of reckoning comes. Sometimes, the married partner will come right out and say they have decided to stay with the spouse. Sometimes, they just stop making contact...no emails in your box, the phone falls silent, and you're left in the dark - completely confused as to why you're no longer hearing from them. Why did he/she leave? What did I do wrong? Was it something I said or did? How can he/she do this to me? But...but...but...he/she loves me! He/she said so! Promised me we'd be together and asked me to wait. And I did!

 

At first, we're devastated, hurt beyond words at the broken promise. We can't except it, can't except that we've been lied to, we've been played. So then we slip into the denial stage. This is where we begin making excuses for them. "Well, maybe they just need some space..sort things out, figure out how he/she can be with me. Or, maybe the spouse has threatened to take everything they've got through a divorce if they continue to see me and they fear losing everything. BUT...I know he/she still loves ME. I KNOW he/she would rather be with me, but the spouse has him/her by the financial gonads."

 

But finally, the excuses just don't hold up any longer and that's when we have to face the bruatal truth that we were lied to...we were fed promises that were never intended to be kept. And that's when the anger sets in...absolute fury at being used like this. We feel like a fool for buying in to the BS, and it shakes the confidence in ourselves, makes us feel like "second best," just a side-line snack for them to nibble on when they got tired of the main course.

 

And that anger phase can last a long time...sometimes years. And as long as we feel anger towards them, we still have a tie to them. They continue to remain in our thoughts (even if those thoughts are negative). They still take up some space in our hearts and our lives...even though they do not deserve that space or even the energy it takes to be angry.

 

And it's easy to mistake that anger we feel for love. We are angry at being lied to, at being used, but more so...angry at ourselves for falling for it. Nobody likes to be duped, and let's face it...we all were.

 

You, me...all of us.

 

And it hurts like hell.

 

Best we can do is work through the pain of it, lick our wounds, and NEVER repeat this mistake again.

 

Do that, and I can guarantee you that the thought of him will become less and less as time goes by, and eventually, the pain will leave you, and so will the ghost of what you THOUGHT he was.

 

Chin up, girl.

 

We'll make it through this.

 

~Torn~

[damwinston]

Yes you are right Torn Up.

Things have gotten FAR more interesting on this side. My father is trying to collect money that this a$$ owes me - $1600.

What this guy didn't/doesn't realize is that he told me just enough to ruin his life (and I mean, his job, his family, prison term - stuff like that). He already lost his home (I didn't have anything to do with that one).

But I am difficult and I learned it from one person - my father and my father wants this guy to pay more than I do.

That is what is so funny. That is all I want - my money back. Nothing more, nothing less.

I have my self-respect. I never lost it. He lost his.

Sanity was always somewhat questionable but it is there also (mine, not his).

 

I am not one for revenge, nor one for hatred for what does it gain you? However, I am realizing that, in this situation, a little revenge may have to be used due to not only his lies but also his actions that have caused this mess.

 

I don't know whether to feel pity or joy for them. I have sat since August and watched this man's life come tumbling down around him and done nothing. Nothing to help, nothing to hurt. But now, rather that just hurting me he has hurt my family and that has crossed my line.

 

My mom says never to burn bridges. Well I (my father and I) have lit the match. We are just waiting for it to catch and sadly, the way this man's life is going now it will not take long.

 

My only fear is that he will hurt someone that I love (as he has threatened this before and has done it once before to someone else). I have to be VERY careful.

 

So if you are reading this a considering a relationship with someone who is otherwise committed. Here is some advice - RUN, do not walk, do not pass go, do not collect $200. RUN. FAST.

 

However if you are determined that "they are the one" then for god's sake watch what you say around someone that you know you will just end up hurting.

 

Will keep you all updated,

dammy

[InApickle]

So why do I still care? I don't want him back in my life, even as a friend. This whole thing is making me crazy.

 

I'll tell you why it still hurts, Dammy. Same reason I'm still hurting, and most likely the reason why most people on this board continue to hurt.

 

Unlike relationships that don't involve married partners, we enter an arena of great risk....the risk of being judged by others, the risk of losing respect from our family, friends and co-workers, the risk of losing respect for OURSELVES. We also risk our hearts, knowing that there is a good possibility of coming out the loser in this type of a relationship because there is a spouse, and we take second seat to the spouse.

 

And about the time we've had enough of the sneaking around, of waiting in the shadows, the married partner begins to spoon-feed us pretty little lies, convincing us that they love us deeply, that they want to be with us, that they no longer love said spouse, that we are their "soulmate" and they now regret marrying the spouse. They ask us to wait...until the kids are grown, until the house is sold, until they can afford to move out, until they can get some bills paid off...yada, yada...and they tell us this with great conviction. And because we are in love with them, we believe it. And so...we wait...and wait...and wait. We have no guarantees, just their promises. We place our full faith in them, turning our backs on all reason or signs that we are being lied to.

 

And then...the day of reckoning comes. Sometimes, the married partner will come right out and say they have decided to stay with the spouse. Sometimes, they just stop making contact...no emails in your box, the phone falls silent, and you're left in the dark - completely confused as to why you're no longer hearing from them. Why did he/she leave? What did I do wrong? Was it something I said or did? How can he/she do this to me? But...but...but...he/she loves me! He/she said so! Promised me we'd be together and asked me to wait. And I did!

 

At first, we're devastated, hurt beyond words at the broken promise. We can't except it, can't except that we've been lied to, we've been played. So then we slip into the denial stage. This is where we begin making excuses for them. "Well, maybe they just need some space..sort things out, figure out how he/she can be with me. Or, maybe the spouse has threatened to take everything they've got through a divorce if they continue to see me and they fear losing everything. BUT...I know he/she still loves ME. I KNOW he/she would rather be with me, but the spouse has him/her by the financial gonads."

 

But finally, the excuses just don't hold up any longer and that's when we have to face the bruatal truth that we were lied to...we were fed promises that were never intended to be kept. And that's when the anger sets in...absolute fury at being used like this. We feel like a fool for buying in to the BS, and it shakes the confidence in ourselves, makes us feel like "second best," just a side-line snack for them to nibble on when they got tired of the main course.

 

And that anger phase can last a long time...sometimes years. And as long as we feel anger towards them, we still have a tie to them. They continue to remain in our thoughts (even if those thoughts are negative). They still take up some space in our hearts and our lives...even though they do not deserve that space or even the energy it takes to be angry.

 

And it's easy to mistake that anger we feel for love. We are angry at being lied to, at being used, but more so...angry at ourselves for falling for it. Nobody likes to be duped, and let's face it...we all were.

 

You, me...all of us.

 

And it hurts like hell.

 

Best we can do is work through the pain of it, lick our wounds, and NEVER repeat this mistake again.

 

Do that, and I can guarantee you that the thought of him will become less and less as time goes by, and eventually, the pain will leave you, and so will the ghost of what you THOUGHT he was.

 

Chin up, girl.

 

We'll make it through this.

 

~Torn~

 

That is the most truthful thing I have ever read. I am at the denial stage right now. He says he can't ask for a divorce, but he can't let go of me. And those two things do not fit together. Everytime we try to stop seeing eachother, it never lasts longer than a day because we also work together. It's killing me, it's killing him. But more importantly, it's killing me! I'm so sick and tired of crying all the time over this man that claims to love me so deeply. I've adjusted my life, and done everything in my power to accomidate him, and I get nothing but heartache in return. I'm beginning to really resent him for not having a ligitimate relationship with me, but he is more than able to have emotional connection and intimacy. We keep talking about breaking things off, but thus far have been unsuccesful because neither one of us has the back bone to end things. I know I am going to need to be the one to tell him it's over...and mean it. And somehow... I'll need to be able to see him at work and interact with him...without falling back into all of this.

 

How do I let him go?? I'm so in love... I've never felt like this about any man.... I feel so betrayed... It hurts badly. How can I see him everyday? uuuggg....

[Sami_D]

First, I feel pity for them because he is going down both in his business as well as with her. Second, for her because well she is a nutjob (and yes I question his sanity as well).

So why do I still care? I don't want him back in my life, even as a friend. I just want to hire David Copperfield and make this all go away. I also want to call CPS about the kids but he has threatened me about that before.

Please, I just need support.

This whole thing is making me crazy.

confused,

dammy

 

I don't know... why DO you still care..? Do you know?

 

Why are you so caught up in his life, in his family, his wife and what their problems and issues are? None of that matters. It's not your problem...

 

dammy, you need to get focused on YOU and your life... so... what's going on in your life, apart from him?

[Sami_D]

It's killing me, it's killing him. But more importantly, it's killing me! I'm so sick and tired of crying all the time over this man that claims to love me so deeply. I've adjusted my life, and done everything in my power to accomidate him, and I get nothing but heartache in return. I'm beginning to really resent him for not having a ligitimate relationship with me, but he is more than able to have emotional connection and intimacy. We keep talking about breaking things off, but thus far have been unsuccesful because neither one of us has the back bone to end things.

 

You've done everything you can to accommodate him, but all he's done for you is tell you he can't leave... and leave everything up to you. He's right, though... it is up to you. You're the one hurting. You're the one who has to take care of you. It doesn't matter how much he's 'hurting'... because in reality... he has everything he wants at the moment. IF he really wanted to change it, then he would. He has complete control in his own life... and so do you in yours.