Oli 22 Posted July 17, 2024 Posted July 17, 2024 (edited) Hi. So me and my ex were together for a year. He was the kindest man I have ever been with, treated me the best way, made me feel like I’m the only girl in the world etc. Whilst being together I feel things were wanted very quickly for him, he asked me to be with him quickly, said he loved me quickly, wanted our children to meet quickly, but I had a boundary of him meeting my children for a year as I had previously been in an emotionally abusive relationship and I wanted to make sure that we knew each other properly before I did that. The year came. He met my children a few times. He had some insecurities surrounding my children’s father, and would voice them even after the day of my grandmas funeral he told me “I was waiting for you as you said you wouldn’t be to long. I didn’t have my tea or have a shower. (This was the day of my grandmas funeral. But I kept telling him as I was staying a little longer to be with my family). Basically he admitted he was feeling a bit rubbish that my children’s dad was there, as he has a relationship with my grandma.) it hurt a lot and I do feel that my walls went up, he knew how sad I was about my grandma and I felt he made the day about him). But I carried on and kept on trying. We were happy majority of the time and have a lot of lovely memories together. It was very I felt one rule for me and my children’s dad and one for his and his ex as he then went on family days out with his ex and children. He didn’t like that I rang my ex for something to do with my children whilst we was eating at one point. I just feel like I wish I did things differently he told me I didn’t give him enough affection; but I didn’t know that’s how he felt at the time as he always told me how happy he was. I didn’t think I had to change anything at all :(. I feel like I’ll never find anyone as kind as him again Edited July 17, 2024 by Oli 22 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 17, 2024 Posted July 17, 2024 1 hour ago, Oli 22 said: I feel like I’ll never find anyone as kind as him again You and I have very different definitions of "kind." Kind men don't pout and make their girlfriend's grief about their own insecurities. Kind men are also not total hypocrites: 1 hour ago, Oli 22 said: one rule for me and my children’s dad and one for his and his ex as he then went on family days out with his ex I think you have blinders on about this man. But you don't mention when and why you broke up, exactly - what happened? 3
Author Oli 22 Posted July 17, 2024 Author Posted July 17, 2024 Basically at the beginning of our relationship. he hadn’t long left his ex wife. Matter of months. And they had only moved out a month before. She rang the police on him (still unsure as to why) and basically they both had to attend separate parenting classes. The week later he told that they were all going out for a family day out together. I struggled with this as she has just called the police on him and I was confused as to why this was happening. I didn’t say anything until after the event as I didn’t want to be the reason that he didn’t go on a family day out with his children if he thought that was beneficial. He told me he understood and ensured me it wouldn’t happen again, at that point I was at a loss of what to do because I didn’t want to be the reason that didn’t happen again. But he said he knows it was wrong and basically told me I was telling him that it could happen again in the future but it won’t. So we carried on. The day before they went this time (it was his son’s birthday) so I understand it. But he just sent me a text saying, “we are going here tomorrow. My ex will be with me and the kids just thought it was worth mentioning”. I felt there was no compassion towards how I may have felt with the last time It happened. Again, I didn’t voice my concerns as I didn’t want to stop it. The next day he didn’t text me all the time they were supposed to be there, he text me when they would have got back and told me that it was closed and they didn’t even go. Which then left me to believe that he wanted me to feel the way I was feeling. When I said I want to talk. He replied with “shock” “this because it was MY sons birthday” and it wasn’t about that. He really made me feel so guilty. So I ended the relationship as I said I felt I couldn’t communicate with him. He then said he was sorry and he understood. The next morning he woke up and started saying all things I did wrong and how wrong I was and it was his sons birthday etc. So he constantly put it down. It wasnt about that, it was the lack of communication with me surrounding it after what happened last time. I did apologise for ending the relationship after a week of reflection. He has now come back with a list of things i didnt do in the relationship and this has continued since. ive tried to make it up to him. pretty much begged for him back for 2 months as he said "i cant ever be definite that the relationship is over" so i held on to hope. last week we met he said he wanted to try. told me how excited he is for out future and he cant wait now, 4 days later told me he didnt mean what he said, completely broke my heart. Now he said he will always love me but he is not in love anymore. i shouldnt have ended it, i know that. But he has ended it with me before over something his ex had said to him about me. Not that it is tit for tat, but hes made the same mistake before too. (sorry that that is long)
semble Posted July 17, 2024 Posted July 17, 2024 If you think this guy is so nice I'd hate to see some of your ex's.
stillafool Posted July 17, 2024 Posted July 17, 2024 Did your bf go to your Grandma's funeral with you and then left you there to come home later?
Author Oli 22 Posted July 17, 2024 Author Posted July 17, 2024 1 minute ago, stillafool said: Did your bf go to your Grandma's funeral with you and then left you there to come home later? No. He didn’t know my Grandma, so he didn’t attend. He understood this as his Grandma also past the month before and he didn’t ask me to go understandably. His ex attended his Grandmas funeral too
Author Oli 22 Posted July 17, 2024 Author Posted July 17, 2024 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: You and I have very different definitions of "kind." Kind men don't pout and make their girlfriend's grief about their own insecurities. Kind men are also not total hypocrites: I think you have blinders on about this man. But you don't mention when and why you broke up, exactly - what happened? Sorry I’m knew to this and replied on the thread… sically at the beginning of our relationship. he hadn’t long left his ex wife. Matter of months. And they had only moved out a month before. She rang the police on him (still unsure as to why) and basically they both had to attend separate parenting classes. The week later he told that they were all going out for a family day out together. I struggled with this as she has just called the police on him and I was confused as to why this was happening. I didn’t say anything until after the event as I didn’t want to be the reason that he didn’t go on a family day out with his children if he thought that was beneficial. He told me he understood and ensured me it wouldn’t happen again, at that point I was at a loss of what to do because I didn’t want to be the reason that didn’t happen again. But he said he knows it was wrong and basically told me I was telling him that it could happen again in the future but it won’t. So we carried on. The day before they went this time (it was his son’s birthday) so I understand it. But he just sent me a text saying, “we are going here tomorrow. My ex will be with me and the kids just thought it was worth mentioning”. I felt there was no compassion towards how I may have felt with the last time It happened. Again, I didn’t voice my concerns as I didn’t want to stop it. The next day he didn’t text me all the time they were supposed to be there, he text me when they would have got back and told me that it was closed and they didn’t even go. Which then left me to believe that he wanted me to feel the way I was feeling. When I said I want to talk. He replied with “shock” “this because it was MY sons birthday” and it wasn’t about that. He really made me feel so guilty. So I ended the relationship as I said I felt I couldn’t communicate with him. He then said he was sorry and he understood. The next morning he woke up and started saying all things I did wrong and how wrong I was and it was his sons birthday etc. So he constantly put it down. It wasnt about that, it was the lack of communication with me surrounding it after what happened last time. I did apologise for ending the relationship after a week of reflection. He has now come back with a list of things i didnt do in the relationship and this has continued since. ive tried to make it up to him. pretty much begged for him back for 2 months as he said "i cant ever be definite that the relationship is over" so i held on to hope. last week we met he said he wanted to try. told me how excited he is for out future and he cant wait now, 4 days later told me he didnt mean what he said, completely broke my heart. Now he said he will always love me but he is not in love anymore. i shouldnt have ended it, i know that. But he has ended it with me before over something his ex had said to him about me. Not that it is tit for tat, but hes made the same mistake before too. (sorry that that is long)
semble Posted July 17, 2024 Posted July 17, 2024 Just now, Oli 22 said: But he has ended it with me before over something his ex had said to him about me. Kind, normal, stable people generally don't end a relationship with a new person because of something an ex said to them about the new person. 2
stillafool Posted July 17, 2024 Posted July 17, 2024 You did the right thing by ended it with this guy. He isn't nice to you at all. It sounds like he's still involved with his ex and more than just for the kids. It also sounds like you were a rebound because of how fast he got involved with you after his ex. He really didn't have time to get over her and heal before moving on to you. Jealousy can be a sign of guilt and I think that's what is behind him getting angry that you didn't come straight home after the funeral. You should have found out what made his ex call the police on him. He was probably violent with her. A big red flag. Always find out why the police had to get involved. You're way better off without him. You don't want him back, do you?
Gebidozo Posted July 17, 2024 Posted July 17, 2024 7 hours ago, Oli 22 said: I feel like I’ll never find anyone as kind as him again He gave you a hard time about your ex while applying different standards to his relationship with his own ex. This isn’t very kind at all. 2
Gebidozo Posted July 17, 2024 Posted July 17, 2024 4 hours ago, Oli 22 said: Now he said he will always love me but he is not in love anymore. i shouldnt have ended it, i know that. But he has ended it with me before over something his ex had said to him about me. What? And you are calling this man “kind”? This is ridiculous.
ShyViolet Posted July 17, 2024 Posted July 17, 2024 How could you call this man "kind"? You really need to work on your self-respect. This man treated you very badly. Anyone with a healthy amount of self-respect and judgment would have walked away from this long ago. 6 hours ago, Oli 22 said: he hadn’t long left his ex wife. Matter of months. And they had only moved out a month before. She rang the police on him (still unsure as to why) You really need to learn to recognize red flags as well. Any man who a former partner had to call the police on, should be a sign to you that he has issues. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 17, 2024 Posted July 17, 2024 6 hours ago, Oli 22 said: i shouldnt have ended it, i know that. Oh yes, you should have. That was the smartest move you could have made. He's a tool, and really, you should have avoided this guy like the plague to begin with.
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