Returning home after living abroad: I tried to reintegrate but it is not working

[stella]

Hi everyone,

I lived abroad for 6 years, from 2016 to 2022. When I left I was a young 24 yo student, and I returned to my hometown as a young adult in my thirties. 

Of course, and I totallly understand, all my friends went on with their lives, friendships changed for some of them, someone moved away. I find all of this perfectly normal, as life went on for me as well. I had my friends abroad and I have never been as happy as in that period of my life when it comes to friendship. Probably the fact that half of my friends were also new in town helped the friendship and boosted it. 

Anyways, during my time abroad I started dating one of my friends, and I came back mainly for him. Being here, he was closer than me to our common friends. I usually would talk to them time to time (regurarly by phone), and when visiting (once every 2 months more or less). My boyfriend actually kept hanging out with them regularly. 

When we talked and decided for me to move back, I was naively convinced that by coming back I would have found a place to fit in here. I tried hard, and I am still trying to do so, but I always feel like I missed something and somehow I won't ever be able to have it back. I totally understand I missed something, and I get it, that's ok. What I can't stand is the fact that my friends make me feel that way.

I would like to talk to them (at least the 3-4 friends I am closer to) but I don't know where to start from. I'm worried it's too late. Or that I would feel even more out of place than I feel now. Any suggestion on how to start the conversationn? Did anyone experienced a similar situation? Is it even worth it?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, stella said:

. I totally understand I missed something, and I get it, that's ok. What I can't stand is the fact that my friends make me feel that way.

What is it you think you've missed and how are your friends making you feel that way?

[stella]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What is it you think you've missed and how are your friends making you feel that way?

6 years is a long time. I think missing the hangs out is a thing. I evolved and changed during the time I was gone, and they did as well. Together. 

I feel this way because when we gather together I realize they refer to moments I wasn't there and they don't take the time to explain, and they do that many many times. Or, they don't think about inviting me out. I mean, if it's a casual thing yes but they never look for a one to one meetings (even if I did try and I still try time to time). Or, the girls sometimes meet and do not ask me to join (and when I meet with them I usually say "let's hang out together" or try to ask actively). Nothing.

If it wasn't for my bf I would totally leave this place again asap.

[stillafool]

What has happened is they have gotten used to you being absent and not in their lives and find it hard to reconnect the way you used to be in the group.  It's hard for people to just slow down and try to explain a situation or memory and expect you to understand what went on in that moment of time when you weren't there.  I'm surprised you were able to maintain a long distance relationship with your boyfriend for 6 years.   Were you also in close contact with these women during your 6 years away?

[stella]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

What has happened is they have gotten used to you being absent and not in their lives and find it hard to reconnect the way you used to be in the group.  It's hard for people to just slow down and try to explain a situation or memory and expect you to understand what went on in that moment of time when you weren't there.  I'm surprised you were able to maintain a long distance relationship with your boyfriend for 6 years.   Were you also in close contact with these women during your 6 years away?

We got together 3 years after I left. And yes, with 3 of them I kept contacts, we would call or text regularly. I would meet them regularly when visiting home. And we also went on a trip together with two of them. So yeah, I would say I was decently close to them.

They have their routine and that's perfectly normal. I also think they somehow think that since I came back from where I come from then I already have everything figured out. That there is no need to make me feel welcomed back because I am not new to here and to them, or the bigger group of friends. The truth is that when you're gone so long you are somehow new to the routine they're into. I don't know if I am making sense or not anymore aha.

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, stella said:

That there is no need to make me feel welcomed back because I am not new to here and to them, or the bigger group of friends. The truth is that when you're gone so long you are somehow new to the routine they're into. I don't know if I am making sense or not anymore aha.

Yes you are making sense.  When you told your friends you were moving back were they really excited and talked about how great it will be?  Are you now working a new job there?  If so, I would just continue to cultivate the current friendships while actively meeting new people to make friends.  I think that it will take time for you to come up to speed in your old friend group  but it will happen.

[stella]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes you are making sense.  When you told your friends you were moving back were they really excited and talked about how great it will be?  Are you now working a new job there?  If so, I would just continue to cultivate the current friendships while actively meeting new people to make friends.  I think that it will take time for you to come up to speed in your old friend group  but it will happen.

Honestly, so and so. At times, yes, but never really excited. We did meet often during the first 6 months though. Than it became more me trying to meet them and it was just annoying so after some times I let it go a bit and focused on my new job and new people I met, the new house I bought my bf etc (life basically). Lately I have been trying again to push a bit in the direction of meeting with them, try to fit in more etc. I have to say, sometimes it hurts. I hope it's worth it. I never felt so difficult the process of getting to know someone or fitting in (not even when I was new to the town I moved to).

[stillafool]

It's hard to meet and make new friends as we grow older.  Since your boyfriend is part of that group more than likely as time goes on you will assimilate better in the group. Just give it more time.

[ShyViolet]

Friendships run their course and people drift apart.  That is a completely normal part of life, and it could have happened whether you lived abroad or not.  At your particular stage of life, your 30s, it's very common for people to find that their social circle significantly shrinks, friends you had in your 20s fall away as people grow apart, mature, have different lives and find that they no longer have as much in common as they used to.  I think your problem is that you are expecting to have the same exact friends as you did in your 20s.  Stop relying on them so much.  People grow and change and friendships don't necessarily last forever.  If these friendships don't seem to be what they used to be, then move on and make new friends.