Frustrated and not sure how to move on. but I need to

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, SheilaBee said:

From what I've seen of his GF online and via his texts/calls when we're together, I fully understand why he is choosing to spend time with me.

Oh lord.

You have never even met the woman, and yet here you are passing judgment on her. That says a lot more about you than it does her - I’m sorry.
 

15 minutes ago, SheilaBee said:

It's funny, when we're out, he'll see women who act like her and talk about how obnoxious they are.

Bottom line, she could potentially be the most obnoxious person in the world and he can complain all he likes - he is still choosing to be in a relationship with the woman. 

This, to me, sounds like another conflict avoidant man who has found a woman who wants to save him from himself and his relationship. Both of those things are going to bring you a world of trouble if you don’t walk away now…

[SheilaBee]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Oh lord.

You have never even met the woman, and yet here you are passing judgment on her. That says a lot more about you than it does her - I’m sorry.
 

Bottom line, she could potentially be the most obnoxious person in the world and he can complain all he likes - he is still choosing to be in a relationship with the woman. 

This, to me, sounds like another conflict avoidant man who has found a woman who wants to save him from himself and his relationship. Both of those things are going to bring you a world of trouble if you don’t walk away now…

True, I am passing judgment.  I can only go on her behavior when she's calling/texting him nonstop and berating him because he didn't answer right away. Or the daily selfies she posts on Facebook asking people if they think she's as gorgeous as she thinks she is. Or the quotes she posts about how people who do not like her are "cat crap."  Or the fact that she posts about how he doesn't make enough money and it makes her life miserable when she hasn't had a job in years. I'm sorry, yeah, I'm gonna judge that behavior. I actually judge him for wanting to be with someone like that. 

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, SheilaBee said:

True, I am passing judgment.  I can only go on her behavior when she's calling/texting him nonstop and berating him because he didn't answer right away. Or the daily selfies she posts on Facebook asking people if they think she's as gorgeous as she thinks she is. Or the quotes she posts about how people who do not like her are "cat crap."  Or the fact that she posts about how he doesn't make enough money and it makes her life miserable when she hasn't had a job in years. I'm sorry, yeah, I'm gonna judge that behavior. I actually judge him for wanting to be with someone like that. 

Ok, read everything you just wrote and remind yourself that he is CHOOSING each and every day to stay with this woman and keep her in his life.  If he was truly so unhappy with her and if he wanted to be with you, he would make a change in his life and be with you properly.  But he won't do that.  So stop being his little side piece.  He will never actually leave this woman and start a real relationship with you.  Find a man who is actually available and who can offer you more than some sketchy emotional affair.

And regarding your offer to pay for his schooling or whatever it was.... where is your judgment?  That would be a horrible idea.  This man is not your boyfriend, he is in a relationship with another woman that he doesn't even plan on leaving.  You don't ever give a man money like that.

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, SheilaBee said:

I can only go on her behavior when she's calling/texting him nonstop and berating him because he didn't answer right away. Or the fact that she posts about how he doesn't make enough money and it makes her life miserable when she hasn't had a job in years.

That’s between them. 

You take care of yourself, and they will sort themselves out - or they won’t. 

Either way, their relationship should be absolutely none of your business…

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, SheilaBee said:

I'm sorry, yeah, I'm gonna judge that behavior.

As opposed to trying to throw money at a man who isn't your boyfriend?

Your behaviour isn't exactly admirable either. Come down off that high horse and think about how you're making yourself look for a second. Desperation ain't cute.  Neither is jealousy. 

Edited July 3, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[basil67]

1 hour ago, SheilaBee said:

True, I am passing judgment.  I can only go on her behavior when she's calling/texting him nonstop and berating him because he didn't answer right away. Or the daily selfies she posts on Facebook asking people if they think she's as gorgeous as she thinks she is. Or the quotes she posts about how people who do not like her are "cat crap."  Or the fact that she posts about how he doesn't make enough money and it makes her life miserable when she hasn't had a job in years. I'm sorry, yeah, I'm gonna judge that behavior. I actually judge him for wanting to be with someone like that. 

Given how he's flirting with you, I would argue she's got good reason to be on his case!   

And if you've seen these posts/heard the calls and know they are facts (as opposed to him badmouthing and exaggerating) why would you want a boyfriend who not only wants to be with her but also snitches behind her back to another woman?    

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, SheilaBee said:

 

So, I totally get that I need to move on...I guess my question is how? Just stop contacting him?  I feel bad not being a friend to him as he doesn't seem to have many

Please be realistic.   This is a man you hired to work in your house and you have a crush on him now.   Obviously he doesn't choose to be in a relationship with you as he knows how you feel and does not act upon it.   He does know he can probably get with you at any time if he decided it was what he wanted.

He does not need your friendship, he's just enjoying the escapism.   

Please stop wasting your "feelings" on this situation and this man.  If what you really want is a boyfriend then free yourself up to find someone who is not already committed to another woman.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, SheilaBee said:

True, I am passing judgment.  I can only go on her behavior when she's calling/texting him nonstop and berating him because he didn't answer right away. Or the daily selfies she posts on Facebook asking people if they think she's as gorgeous as she thinks she is. Or the quotes she posts about how people who do not like her are "cat crap."  Or the fact that she posts about how he doesn't make enough money and it makes her life miserable when she hasn't had a job in years. I'm sorry, yeah, I'm gonna judge that behavior. I actually judge him for wanting to be with someone like that. 

Exactly. He knows she’s like this. He complains about that. He is having an emotional affair with you. He doesn’t seem to love her. Yet he still wouldn’t leave her. What does that tell you about him?

There is a kind of a “code” among men: don’t badmouth your wife. Even cheaters try to follow it. It’s almost like cheating on your wife in your marital bed. You just don’t do it. It doesn’t feel manly to me that he keeps going to you, complains, gets his emotional consolation, and then returns to the wife he can’t stand.

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If he was your boyfriend, how would you feel about the fact that he is drinking and spending time alone with another woman?

Would you just find something else to do, while your boyfriend builds a “friendship” with another woman? Or would you have a problem with it? 

I would find it very disrespectful, if he was my boyfriend. Unless you are going to extend an invitation to his girlfriend over together - the three of you can hang out as friends?

Two people spending time alone together = emotional affair at risk of becoming more. 

Especially since OP has romantic feelings for him it would be highly inappropriate as well as painful for her because she'll continually want him, and it will not be reciprocated.

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, SheilaBee said:

Depends on the circumstances. My last serious relationship - my guy's best friend was another woman. They'd been friends for years before I even met him. It was never an issue, and I eventually became friends with her too. However, it was 100% transparent from the beginning.  I'm not sure what if anything this woman knows about me.  And I've decided that if he tries to keep things up, I'll ask.  But I'm not planning to initiate contact anymore. 

This is different.  They had been friends for years before you came along.  They didn't have romantic feelings for each other the way you have them for this man.  It's highly inappropriate to continue going out with him knowing he has a girlfriend.  How would you like it if some woman was doing this to your boyfriend knowing she wants him?