ahotmess Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 It really has been a full week of NC. I am actually doing okay and have gotten to a point where I don't really care to see MM. The true test is this: Tommorrow night we will be laying over in the same city. We don't have to fly together (he's a pilot, me a flight attendant). But we will get in around the same time. Stay in the same hotel, same floor, he may even be right next door. And it is New Years Eve. How can I resist? And I know it will just feel awful if he does in fact honor the NC pact we made and really doesn't call me. I will feel sooo devastated. I don't plan on contacting him....but...the tempation is there and is very strong.
Author ahotmess Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 Well between flights yesterday...I got a text message from MM "Sorry for this but I wanted to wish you a safe and happy new year". That was it. And what the f#$^k was that about? I DID NOT REPLY!!! Go me:) Then my crew and I are checking in at the hotel when who just happens to walk off the elevator? That's right...MM! He smiled....I turned away. Go me:) Then immediately I receieved a text message from him "That sucked. Sorry". What does that mean? I still didn't take the "bait". I STILL HAVE MAINTAINED NC!!!!!! (even drunk on new years eve) With him right down the hall from me. I hurt so bad. I wanted to call him last night. And when I saw that I had recieved a text from him, my heart skipped a beat. I love that man. I miss him soo much. Thoughts of him fill my head constantly. But go me...the NC thing is going strong!
goingforgold Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 OMG - well done, you are doing so well. Congratulations, i cant imagine how hard it must've been for you. Well done, you deserve a metal. Will you be running into him anymore? or is this a once off thing? do u work for the same airline?? I am still thinking of how hard it must;'ve been - you brave girl!!
newbby Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 well done ahotmess. that is excellent. oooh he sounds like such a player. good for you!
Author ahotmess Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 There's always a chance I will run into him. I could even have to work with him at some point. Could you imagine? Four whole days, three nights with hotel rooms right next door to each other? I hope that never happens...I would definately change my schedule. The evil in me hopes that he tries to contact me some more....it is kind of fun to ignore him....though I totally still want him. I miss that man soo much! Plenty of fish in the sea though right?
goingforgold Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 ahotmess - I admire u 4 being so strong particularly when u still want this man. You're doing so well. I can understand the bit where u kind of still want him to contact u, kinda feels good to be chased and then ignoring him, so he knows he cant have you. Keep up the good work. How long were u 2 together for and what broke you two up if you dont mind me asking?
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 The evil in me hopes that he tries to contact me some more....it is kind of fun to ignore him....though I totally still want him. I miss that man soo much! The busier you keep, the less you'll think of him and eventually the less you'll care. Out of sight, out of mind. It's OK to miss him, just don't let that consume you. Give yourself a certain amount of time each day to think and grieve, then go DO something fun. Call a friend, watch a funny movie.
Torn Up Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 The true test is this: Tommorrow night we will be laying over in the same city. We don't have to fly together (he's a pilot, me a flight attendant). But we will get in around the same time. Stay in the same hotel, same floor, he may even be right next door. And it is New Years Eve. How can I resist? Hotmess...oh, how I feel your pain. I'm basically in the same boat as you as I too work with MM. It's hard for us all when the NC comes in to play, but I think it's particularly difficult when you work with MM and can not avoid seeing him from time to time. It makes for a VERY awkward situation, and tends to constipate the healing process. Speaking for myself, it would have been much easier for me if I didn't see him at all, but in this situation, that's not possible. I do try to avoid him at all costs, but bumping into each other now and then is unavoidable. At this point, we don't even speak. I don't look at him, I don't acknowledge him...just pass by him as though he didn't exist. I honestly don't mean to be rude, but this has become necessary for ME...a way to protect my heart from him and from further heartbreak. Like you, I am in love with this man but I know he is no good for me, and our affair hurt many people. So, I have to stay strong, have to stick to my resolve if I hope to fully heal, and if I hope to regain respect for MYSELF. He always looks so hurt when I pass by without speaking, and I'm constantly being told by my co-workers that he looks very depressed, very downtrodden. But, at this point, I can't concern myself with that. I have to get through this, have to work through the pain and grief...and move on with my life. Sounds easy, but it's HELL to do. Takes every drop of strength I can muster to keep from reaching out to him. And I know if I do, it will put me right back at square one on the pain scale, so I have to fight hard to keep from the temptation I battle daily. Some days it doesn't seem that hard, have no desire to see or speak to him. And about the time I think I'm getting over it, that I'm getting stronger....BAM. It hits me. That's when I take notice to every sad breakup song on the radio, or I'll fight like hell to keep from sending an email, or calling him. And like an idiot, I'll get out all his letters he wrote to me (and there are a lot!), and cry while reading them. Dumb thing to do, I know, but I can't resist. And I just ride the storm out knowing it will soon pass and only hope that it will pass quickly. I've no idea how long it will take for me to fully recover. I only know that I've got to stay on course and not give in to the weak moments. It's a daily battle and it hurts like hell. Oh, how I wish I had never gotten involved with him! Hang in there, girl. We'll make it...even though it doesn't feel that way right now. ~Torn~
Author ahotmess Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 Torn up~ How long has it been that you have been in NC? I have only been NC for a little over a week. I mus agree with you when you say it hurts like hell. It literally was every bit of courage or strength that I could gather to not call him on new years eve. I too wish I had never gotten involved with him. All the joy he brought to me does not compensate for this gigantic hole inside of me now. I swear my heart actually aches. Oh why did I get involved with this man? Stupid girl (that'd be me). We live and learn don't we? I am so glad I have you fabulous ladies to turn to for support! I talk openely to my friends about this situation...they know him...and see him at times as well. They just don't understand though. Thanks for all the caring comments and we will get through this:)
Author ahotmess Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 How long were u 2 together for and what broke you two up if you dont mind me asking? We were together for 8months. About two weeks before we ended this he told me he loves me. I know he wasn't just saying those words either. He stands by it even today. It was the best horrible moment in my life. But he never said anything about leaving W. He always said "I don't want you to get hurt. You can always back out whenever you need". I knew I would go absolutely crazy in a relationship that was going no where. I am truly in love with him. I guess it is good because I know what that feeling is like, and I really didn't before. If he would have given me any indication (even a tiny one) that he was going to leave W.... I would have hung around. Reading all of these stories about A's lasting for years makes me glad that we didn't go down that road. But even now, if he were to call me and say those words, I know myself enough to know that I would prolly go back. That is why I know this NC business is my only way out...it is my only lifeline. I hope that eventually I am strong enough to be able to work a trip with him and be friends. He really is an awesome pilot and a fun person to be around. Always cracking jokes and is sooo friendly to everyone. I miss him soo much!
EMJ Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 "If he would have given me any indication (even a tiny one) that he was going to leave W.... I would have hung around." So crumbs of affection are good enough for you? PLEASE keep up with the NO CONTACT. You are not ready to deal with anything more challenging at this point. "It was the best horrible moment in my life. But he never said anything about leaving W. He always said "I don't want you to get hurt. You can always back out whenever you need". BS-BS-BS! What he is saying IS "If you get hurt it's on you. I absolve myself from any responsibliity as a result of my actions". What a friggin' selfish jerk! He's saying to you "leave anytime you want because I have no intention of leaving my wife'. Him being straighforward to you DOES NOT mean he is off the hook, he did what he did, he's a lying cheat and will likely do it again since he's gotten way with it. He's kidding himself if he thinks it makes it OK. "I hope that eventually I am strong enough to be able to work a trip with him and be friends". What?! It's not about you being strong, you have had sex with him! You aren't going to be friends, or take trips. That's not likely. Not a good idea. Or even healthy for you. Don't delude yourself. You cannot go backwards. Once you have crossed the line, it's too easy to fall back. Protect yourself !!! You cannot win this one. Please realize this. This is the voice of much experience speaking to you. Girl, you ARE ahotmess right now, but you are getting better. You resisted calling him and are trying to move on. Excellent. Just keep reading the good supportive advice these loving strangers have for you. Since a lot of us have "been there, done that" we know that pain you are going through. We also know that if you learn from it you will be wiser, stronger, and a better decision maker because of it. Best Wishes and good luck. 1
Author ahotmess Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 I just got home from running errands and the most ironic thing happened. I was at the nail salon for my "fill-in" when this really sad song comes on the radio...and I almost cry (in public). I start demising this plan in my head to text him "just once wont hurt" and besides "i really want him to know how much i am missing him. after all it was rude to not respond to him on saturday night right?" Total mental backslide. Thinking about all the good times and how much I am wanting to be with him again. The nail technician actually started talking to me right then! That is a miracle! I don't know about you ladies, where you get your nails done. But the ladies I go to barely speak english...but they do awesome nails. And I really couldn't understand much of what she was saying, but it was enough of a "snap out of this " moment to help me regroup and realize I was thinking crazy. I live for moments like this. I need them so much these days. Staying busy is the only way for me to continue NC. All three of my roomates have seen him in the past two days....he tried to talk to one of them, but without success. Anyways so when I got home from the nail salon, I had the awesome post that precedes this, from EMJ. Thanks you guys!
EMJ Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I've been on vacation at home this past week and have had a lot of time to think about my own relationships. Respondiing to these posts has been as helpful to me as it may have been for some of our dear readers. It is good to see all these strong and beautiful women working on their stuff. You might be the "walking wounded", but you ARE carrying on. They say "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted" LOL! I'm sure we can ALL relate to that one! Most of what I say is in the "tough love" category. It's medicine that might not taste very good, but wish I had it when I was hurting and could not talk to anyone about it. You folks are the fighters, the winners, and the ones who don't accept mediocrity as a way of life. You find yourself unhappy and you try to find your way out. BRAVO! I love to see it and will try to help where and if I can. Thanks.
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