Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 1 minute ago, Alpacalia said: I get that trashing this guy is par for the course but in the future you need to take some responsibility for the fact that he did not want a romantic relationship with you and you willingly engaged in an affair with a taken man who has a wife. You knew what this was from the start and you chose to engage in it anyway. You both made a decision to end it, which is great and you should be proud of yourself for finally doing the right thing. I don't think I'm thrashing him - I love him. He has many qualities that make me love him. I just stated what happened last week and I guess it snowballed from there. I still love him and I don't see that changing ever right now. But it is clear that he doesn't feel the same way or at least to the same level. I loved him enough to ask him to stay with me and we could make it work. We broke up on good terms and then he returned the following week and emotionally attacked me from every angle he knew how to do (he knows me well) that's where I take up issue! Why did he do that...it was an awful thing to do and I was already hurting hugely. Again - I cannot reiterate enough that I love this and would have moved mountains to be with him.. I would never take up with another married man again. Rest assured!
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 1 hour ago, Jane Grey said: I don't think I'm thrashing him - I love him. He has many qualities that make me love him. I just stated what happened last week and I guess it snowballed from there. He most definitely wanted a romantic relationship with me. We did have huge loving feelings for each other. I still love him and I miss him and I don't see that changing ever right now. But it is clear that he doesn't feel the same way or at least to the same level. I loved him enough to ask him to stay with me and we could make it work. We broke up on good terms and then he returned the following week and emotionally attacked me from every angle he knew how to do (he knows me well) that's where I take up issue! Why did he do that...it was an awful thing to do and I was already hurting hugely. Again - I cannot reiterate enough that I love this and would have moved mountains to be with him.. I would never take up with another married man again. Rest assured!
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 8 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: The sad part is that the feelings were not mutual (the moving the mountains part). JG, this deal is behind you and the future is bright Exactly that's! sorry - I'm feeling it hard today!
BaileyB Posted June 28, 2024 Posted June 28, 2024 7 hours ago, Jane Grey said: I guess you don't expect that those who you think love you will use your own thoughts against you! 7 hours ago, Jane Grey said: I absolutely didn't trust my AP. I’m sorry, but you have got to be a better judge of character than this. You know the man is cheating on his wife, you didn’t trust him and suspected that he was flirting with other women than you (his affair partner), and then you say - but I trusted him not to hurt me. I trusted him not to take what I said and use it to hurt me. This man who is pursuing his own agenda, lying and cheating as it suits him to do… There is some personal responsibility here. It always astounds me when people expect strong ethics from a man who is acting unethically. In other words, a woman expects to be treated with respect and consideration by a man who is behaving in a disrespectful, inconsiderate, and hurtful way toward the women (plural) in his life. The bottom line - stop giving the supply that he is looking for to hurt you. Don’t tell him that his text confuses you. Don't tell him that you like to check up on him online to be sure that he is ok… he has proven himself to be capable of using this information to hurt you. This is exactly what he wants - so protect yourself and stop the supply. 3 1
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 5 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I’m sorry, but you have got to be a better judge of character than this. You know the man is cheating on his wife, you didn’t trust him and suspected that he was flirting with other women than you (his affair partner), and then you say - but I trusted him not to hurt me. I trusted him not to take what I said and use it to hurt me. This man who is pursuing his own agenda, lying and cheating as it suits him to do… There is some personal responsibility here. It always astounds me when people expect strong ethics from a man who is acting unethically. In other words, a woman expects to be treated with respect and consideration by a man who is behaving in a disrespectful, inconsiderate, and hurtful way toward the women (plural) in his life. The bottom line - stop giving the supply that he is looking for to hurt you. Don’t tell him that his text confuses you. Don't tell him that you like to check up on him online to be sure that he is ok… he has proven himself to be capable of using this information to hurt you. This is exactly what he wants - so protect yourself and stop the supply. I love your candour! We are done! There will be no more supply..
BaileyB Posted June 28, 2024 Posted June 28, 2024 (edited) 1 hour ago, Jane Grey said: I love him. He has many qualities that make me love him. I still love him and I don't see that changing ever. I loved him enough to ask him to stay. I cannot reiterate enough that I love this and would have moved mountains to be with him.. I don’t know that you heard what Alpacalia said - she said, you need to understand that it was very unwise for you to make the decision to pursue a relationship with a man who was not available to you. I would suggest that you did not really hear what she said because you replied with five statements that said - “but I love this man. I would have moved mountains to be with him. I love him and I don’t see that ever changing…” Please read Alpacalia’s statement again - 2 hours ago, Alpacalia said: You need to take some responsibility for the fact that he did not want a romantic relationship with you and you willingly engaged in an affair with a taken man who has a wife. The most appropriate response to that statement is what you said at the end of your post - I made a poor decision. I see that now. Take the “feelings” out of it - It was very unwise for me to think that I could pursue a relationship with this man because he was never available to be in the kind of relationship that I wanted. Full stop. 1 hour ago, Jane Grey said: when he returned the following week and emotionally attacked me from every angle he knew how to do (he knows me well) that's where I take up issue! Why did he do that... Again, I’m going to blunt here - You “take up issue” but continue to say, I love him, I can’t block him, I still want to follow him online… I think we all agree, this is not a good man and this is not a healthy relationship for you. The most appropriate response to the fact that he has “emotionally attacked” you is to say - this man is gone from my life, whatever feelings I may have had for him are done, I refuse to engage with him anymore or let him hurt me again. You have done this is half measure. You have ended the relationship and you say that you will not go back, but you still need your supply - you want to follow him online, you want to talk about/understand why he would do this, you continue to hold onto your feelings… I would kindly suggest that this is a great topic of discussion with your counsellor. You need to firm up your boundaries and develop better instincts of self protection. You are relying on this man who has lied and hurt you to protect you and treat you with kindness and that is a real error in judgment. If you aren’t going to protect your own heart, you shouldn’t expect anyone else to do so… Edited June 28, 2024 by BaileyB 3
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 28 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I don’t know that you heard what Alpacalia said - she said, you need to understand that it was very unwise for you to make the decision to pursue a relationship with a man who was not available to you. I would suggest that you did not really hear what she said because you replied with five statements that said - “but I love this man. I would have moved mountains to be with him. I love him and I don’t see that ever changing…” Please read Alpacalia’s statement again - The most appropriate response to that statement is what you said at the end of your post - I made a poor decision. I see that now. Take the “feelings” out of it - It was very unwise for me to think that I could pursue a relationship with this man because he was never available to be in the kind of relationship that I wanted. Full stop. Again, I’m going to blunt here - You “take up issue” but continue to say, I love him, I can’t block him, I still want to follow him online… I think we all agree, this is not a good man and this is not a healthy relationship for you. The most appropriate response to the fact that he has “emotionally attacked” you is to say - this man is gone from my life, whatever feelings I may have had for him are done, I refuse to engage with him anymore or let him hurt me again. You have done this is half measure. You have ended the relationship and you say that you will not go back, but you still need your supply - you want to follow him online, you want to talk about/understand why he would do this, you continue to hold onto your feelings… I would kindly suggest that this is a great topic of discussion with your counsellor. You need to firm up your boundaries and develop better instincts of self protection. You are relying on this man who has lied and hurt you to protect you and treat you with kindness and that is a real error in judgment. If you aren’t going to protect your own heart, you shouldn’t expect anyone else to do so… Absolutely correct ! I am going to re-read this later when I'm home from work and really dig into what you have said. I will read and re-read! Thank you!!
stillafool Posted June 28, 2024 Posted June 28, 2024 2 hours ago, Alpacalia said: You knew what this was from the start and you chose to engage in it anyway. This is the bottom line and your refusal to block all avenues to him under the guise of "I still love him and need to see his face" and that you are hurt that he's blocked you from seeing what is going on in his life says you will still get back involved with him if he wants to. 1 3
BaileyB Posted June 28, 2024 Posted June 28, 2024 (edited) 8 minutes ago, stillafool said: This is the bottom line and your refusal to block all avenues to him under the guise of "I still love him and need to see his face" and that you are hurt that he's blocked you from seeing what is going on in his life says you will still get back involved with him if he wants to. 100% One does not respond to a post that says - you need to take responsibility for your own decisions with… But I love him, I really do. I choose him. I would move mountains to be with him. I love him and I don’t ever see that changing… if only he felt the same way… if she wasn’t waiting for him to reappear and choose her. Edited June 28, 2024 by BaileyB 1
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 43 minutes ago, stillafool said: This is the bottom line and your refusal to block all avenues to him under the guise of "I still love him and need to see his face" and that you are hurt that he's blocked you from seeing what is going on in his life says you will still get back involved with him if he wants to. I won't! I cannot do this again - my health and sanity is in pretty dicey shape from this. I have no interest in getting back with him. I am going to stay the hell away and work on myself, boundaries and why I allowed this to happen. I want my life back - I really do. And the affair at its beat was still an anxious nightmare...I see this now. I feel me coming back and I want peace
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 Just now, Jane Grey said: I won't! I cannot do this again - my health and sanity is in pretty dicey shape from this. I have no interest in getting back with him. I am going to stay the hell away and work on myself, boundaries and why I allowed this to happen. I want my life back - I really do. And the affair at its best was still an anxious nightmare...I see this now. I feel me coming back and I want peace
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 38 minutes ago, BaileyB said: 100% One does not respond to a post that says - you need to take responsibility for your own decisions with… But I love him, I really do. I choose him. I would move mountains to be with him. I love him and I don’t ever see that changing… if only he felt the same way… if she wasn’t waiting for him to reappear and choose her. But I know he will never, ever chose me! So I have to chose me! And I would have done the above for him without question and I did/do love him but this relationship has taken my peace from me and I'm done
mark clemson Posted June 28, 2024 Posted June 28, 2024 (edited) 17 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Definitely not. Speaking as a former cheater myself, I can only say that cheating kills off attraction in the partner who is being cheated on, and sows the seeds of mistrust in the partner who is being cheated with. I think you might be seeing causation where there is just some correlation. Some cheaters do have those attractive traits you described, specifically passionate nature, willingness to woo a woman, and a romantic (however misguided) mindset. But if such a man does not cheat, he’ll become even more desirable. I agree with much of what you wrote BUT I'm not sure I agree that my initial point (some women find a man who's willing to cheat attractive at some level) is incorrect. The one thing that's clearly fact and not opinion is that - despite the downsides (which are certainly real), the man being a cheater isn't problematic enough for women who become an OW. Women and what they find attractive are certainly not uniform. I'm not sure that all these cheating men out there are all so great that women overlook the cheating aspect in order to "have" them when there are doubtless single guys who are available. That probably happens sometimes, but e.g. we had a post here about a woman who was cheating with a school bus driver. Maybe the guy was physically fit/attractive, but beyond that it's hard to see what the appeal could have been. Maybe the single guys don't want them, but honestly I think that's not the case either. Something else is going on. In my view that something else is in fact multiple other things/a convergence of various factors. In some cases I think finding the "plays by his own rules" aspect attractive is likely one factor. I would note that (in theory) women shouldn't find murders and hardened criminals attractive either, but in fact for better or worse a small but quite real % of women indeed do, some to the point of essentially fetishizing them. "Logically"/theoretically these men should be even more attractive if they WEREN'T criminals, but in fact that's not the case (at all, usually). There may be women who fetishize cheating men in a similar way, but I think it goes beyond that and into a more general (BUT certainly not universal) quality of confidence/independence/playing by their own rules for men. That's my take on it, if you don't agree - well, this is ultimately just two different opinions. Edited June 28, 2024 by mark clemson 1
mark clemson Posted June 28, 2024 Posted June 28, 2024 (edited) True IMO. OP, you're unlikely to find peace if you have your feelings re-triggered at random intervals by texts/other contact from him. Maybe you aren't ready to block yet, but once you feel ready to, given your intention to end things, it's probably best that you do. "Closure" and making peace with the breakup ultimately come from within and move at their own pace. Most of what I've read on these forums seems to indicate that renewed contacts re-trigger old feelings and are (ultimately minor) setbacks and/or emotionally distressing. You might research the concept of "social identity". Your relationship with this man WAS a part of your social identity. (One might also say "one of your social identities" as in some views there are more than one.) It was an important one (as most significant romantic relationships are) and I don't think it serves you well to downplay that, but instead to recognize the reality (that it was). Right now, without him, there is a "gap." That is part of what causes the emotional distress, and part of the process of "closure" will be to form a new social identity that is satisfactory to you but where he isn't present in your life. Presumably/ideally that would involve a new partner/other romantic interests, although that isn't technically a requirement. That's the goal and I think that is where you eventually want to end up, for "contentment's sake". Edited June 28, 2024 by mark clemson
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 9 minutes ago, mark clemson said: True IMO. OP, you're unlikely to find peace if you have your feelings re-triggered at random intervals by texts/other contact from him. Maybe you aren't ready to block yet, but once you feel ready to, given your intention to end things, it's probably best that you do. "Closure" and making peace with the breakup ultimately come from within and move at their own pace. Most of what I've read on these forums seems to indicate that renewed contacts re-trigger old feelings and are (ultimately minor) setbacks and/or emotionally distressing. You might research the concept of "social identity". Your relationship with this man WAS a part of your social identity. (One might also say "one of your social identities" as in some views there are more than one.) It was an important one (as most significant romantic relationships are) and I don't think it serves you well to downplay that, but instead to recognize the reality (that it was). Right now, without him, there is a "gap." That is part of what causes the emotional distress, and part of the process of "closure" will be to form a new social identity that is satisfactory to you but where he isn't present in your life. Presumably/ideally that would involve a new partner/other romantic interests, although that isn't technically a requirement. That's the goal and I think that is where you eventually want to end up, for "contentment's sake". Thank you Mark - thank you for acknowledging that it was a relationship albeit a secret one and it was 8 years with him. This is the first time I've laid down any kind of serious boundary with him and I see that it get me emotionally abused. I am not happy with that - I only see more of the same if I went back. And yes - you are perfectly right, contact wil re-trigger me and distress me. My aim is to block him. Is it wrong that I'm betting on him blocking me! God - I'm all over the place 1
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 29 minutes ago, S2B said: Blocking him from seeing any of it is FOR YOU! So that YOU can move forward and not think of him so often! you do this to help yourself! I see that - thank you!! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2024 Posted June 28, 2024 2 hours ago, Jane Grey said: And the affair at its beat was still an anxious nightmare. What do you think being married to this clown would be like? 1
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What do you think being married to this clown would be like? Awful! I'd imagine it's probably awful also for his wife. Im lucky that this has happened ! 1
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 4 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: Very very lucky 5 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: Very very lucky Thanks for your support! I'm a mess at the moment and all support is welcome..
basil67 Posted June 28, 2024 Posted June 28, 2024 3 hours ago, Jane Grey said: Is it wrong that I'm betting on him blocking me! No, it's not wrong. I'm assuming you're talking about social media here....even if he does block you, then he's got the ability to unblock you and reach out again and create more chaos. This is why you need to block him - so that you're in control of the channels of communication. Make sure to add his email address to your spam filters, and block him on your phone as well. 1
stillafool Posted June 28, 2024 Posted June 28, 2024 4 hours ago, Jane Grey said: Is it wrong that I'm betting on him blocking me! God - I'm all over the place Yes it is. You are the one responsible for your heart, not him. By saying that you know that you are still going to snoop on him. 1
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 56 minutes ago, basil67 said: No, it's not wrong. I'm assuming you're talking about social media here....even if he does block you, then he's got the ability to unblock you and reach out again and create more chaos. This is why you need to block him - so that you're in control of the channels of communication. Make sure to add his email address to your spam filters, and block him on your phone I'm not going to block him on social media yet - just being honest and kind of scared of the push back ill get here. I know I should, I want too and I am talking to my therapist about it.
Author Jane Grey Posted June 28, 2024 Author Posted June 28, 2024 15 minutes ago, stillafool said: Yes it is. You are the one responsible for your heart, not him. By saying that you know that you are still going to snoop on him. I always said I wanted to see him still...but you are right as is everyone here. I should block 1
stillafool Posted June 28, 2024 Posted June 28, 2024 29 minutes ago, Jane Grey said: kind of scared of the push back ill get here. Pushback from whom? 1
BaileyB Posted June 28, 2024 Posted June 28, 2024 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Jane Grey said: I know I should, I want too and I am talking to my therapist about it. Do it in your own time. My only comment would be, I think it’s likely wise to discuss with your therapist why you are so reluctant to close the door fully with this man who has behaved in an emotionally abusive way and hurt you. Feelings don’t just disappear, it will take time for your feelings to pass… But then again, when someone treats you with disrespect and hurts you - those feelings change and maybe they change to anger and grief - rather than love. You really do need to understand why you can’t let go… Edited June 28, 2024 by BaileyB 1
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