nikita81 Posted June 21, 2024 Posted June 21, 2024 Hi, Yesterday I (42 F) went on a date with a man I met online (47M) (in retrospective I think it was too early to start dating after LTR breakup), everything was going fine he was polite, conversation was flowing but he threw in a comment about him only having love for his 2 kids and not having any more room for loving a couple, and not really thinking he could give much to a woman etc. He also mentioned that while he was married he had a lot of problems with his ex wife because he went out at night when the kids were small and that he prioritized his friends some times. I really couldn´t listen to much more after that as I am looking for a LTR and he is telling me who he is in that comments. No intent to change anyone and he doesn´t seem like good material. Then he seemed to be all over me, telling me that he had a great time and that he was looking forward to seeing me again. This was last night and since he wrote me messages about my day and meeting up in the following days. I don´t know what to think, I think I should follow my instincts about not wasting any more time on this as it seems like a dead end, but at the same time I don´t know if I am being too jugdemental as it is still too early after my breakup to date. Thanks to everyone for your opinion
FredEire Posted June 21, 2024 Posted June 21, 2024 32 minutes ago, nikita81 said: Hi, Yesterday I (42 F) went on a date with a man I met online (47M) (in retrospective I think it was too early to start dating after LTR breakup), everything was going fine he was polite, conversation was flowing but he threw in a comment about him only having love for his 2 kids and not having any more room for loving a couple, and not really thinking he could give much to a woman etc. He also mentioned that while he was married he had a lot of problems with his ex wife because he went out at night when the kids were small and that he prioritized his friends some times. I really couldn´t listen to much more after that as I am looking for a LTR and he is telling me who he is in that comments. No intent to change anyone and he doesn´t seem like good material. Then he seemed to be all over me, telling me that he had a great time and that he was looking forward to seeing me again. This was last night and since he wrote me messages about my day and meeting up in the following days. I don´t know what to think, I think I should follow my instincts about not wasting any more time on this as it seems like a dead end, but at the same time I don´t know if I am being too jugdemental as it is still too early after my breakup to date. Thanks to everyone for your opinion Seems like you've answered your own question. 3
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2024 Posted June 21, 2024 He spelled it out to you, it would be crazy to ignore everything he said. He's got no place in his heart for a woman but he's got a spot in his bed for one. Block and move to next. When people tell you who they are, believe them! 4
Author nikita81 Posted June 21, 2024 Author Posted June 21, 2024 Thanks I am ok with my moving forward, but external validation at this point is really appreciated 2
basil67 Posted June 22, 2024 Posted June 22, 2024 2 hours ago, nikita81 said: Thanks I am ok with my moving forward, but external validation at this point is really appreciated You read the situation perfectly and made a quick and sensible decision before you got hurt. 4
Lotsgoingon Posted June 22, 2024 Posted June 22, 2024 19 hours ago, nikita81 said: he threw in a comment about him only having love for his 2 kids and not having any more room for loving a couple, and not really thinking he could give much to a woman etc. Game over right here. No need to listen further. He's not ready and he's telling you he's not ready for anything long term. And he may never be ready--NEVER assume that the passage time makes someone ready for a serious relationship. You got to trust yourself and act on your trust. You hear someone telling you they can't love--you listen, record and start making your way towards the door. You don't even want to share much of yourself with this person. In fact, as soon as he spoke his "I can't love" words, you had the right to say, "Oh, well, this isn't going to work. We have nothing to talk about. I'm going to leave. We have very different goals." And split. 3
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2024 Posted June 22, 2024 20 hours ago, nikita81 said: he threw in a comment about him only having love for his 2 kids and not having any more room for loving a couple, You know, when you make contact online and conversation is going you should always ask what is their purpose online. You might have saved you a trip to the coffee shop. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2024 Posted June 22, 2024 22 hours ago, nikita81 said: I don´t know if I am being too jugdemental How it is judgmental to believe what he is telling you about himself? Next this guy. He's already been clear he is not relationship-minded. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 22, 2024 Posted June 22, 2024 When you date, we ARE being judgmental. Better words would be thorough, critical. Job hirers have to critically evaluate potential employees. Dating is about someone who is good for our lives. It's about judging people. Now, your language may be tripping you up. Really you are judging whether this person is a good fit for you, not whether they are a bad or good person. If you feel guilty, that means you're judging the entire person. No, I know all kinds of wonderful people who would not be good partners for me and me for them. You do want to date people you respect. That's for sure. But that's not being mean. That's dating. If you don't pick partners carefully, you'll be demolished in this world--emotionally demolished or you'll just waste time. 1
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