Breaking up

[Goodpal]

I'm looking for some advice. I have been w/ a woman for about 4.5 years. We're engaged but the relationship has been kind of off and on so the engagement is "sort of" on hold. Anyhow, I've been struggling w/ this relationship since it began. At the core I just don't think it's a good fit for me for the long haul. She has baggage and I have some baggage to sort out of my own. This would be my second marriage. When I've broken things off in the past we always end up reconnecting. We have lots of fun together and the chemistry is there but daily life things don't match up well. We are in couples counseling so I'm hoping some of these things can come out there. 

The big problem is when we do break up I feel this horrible void. I'm sure you all can relate. It's practically unbearable, so I end up back in the relationship as she continues reaching out to me. Things go well for a few months but then I begin to realize this is not a good fit for me. Has anyone been in a situation similar to this? Any advice is welcomed. 

Gp

[stillafool]

Why in the world did you ask her to marry you if you are struggling in it?  I don't believe in couples counseling for unmarried people because if dating someone is at the point that you need counseling you need to break up.  There is no easy or nice way to break up.  You just have to pull the band-aide off and do it.  She will be hurt but she'll get over it.

Edited June 13, 2024 by stillafool

[Goodpal]

Thank you for the response.

It felt right at the time. Again, lots of baggage that I was dealing w/ and still am that seemed to contribute to me wanting to make this decision. Breaking it off will hurt me immensely as well but it will be the right thing to do in the end I believe.

Gp

 

 

Edited June 13, 2024 by Goodpal
better answer

[Gebidozo]

OP, could you please provide more detail?

You say that you have fun and chemistry with your fiancée, but that “daily life things don’t match well”. What kind of daily life things and how exactly they don’t match?

What kind of “baggage”, specifically, do you have? What about your fiancée?

[Nellea]

If you honestly ask yourself this question…. Do you feel more like you are in love with her, or more like you are afraid of being alone?

No two people are totally compatible and all relationships have problems… but there needs to be a deeper connection between you. 

[flitzanu]

i had great advice (ironically from an ex gf) once that was roughly "if you've ever thought about breaking up or your life without this person, then you've already started the process in your mind and subconsciously you know it is the right decision"

[Goodpal]

16 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, could you please provide more detail?

You say that you have fun and chemistry with your fiancée, but that “daily life things don’t match well”. What kind of daily life things and how exactly they don’t match?

What kind of “baggage”, specifically, do you have? What about your fiancée?

My baggage is my former life. I was married and raised kids, now adults and I don't think I'm ready to go through all of those challenges again, the natural challenges that make up a relationship. At least not yet. Also we both struggle over indulging in alcohol. I've cut that out for now but it's difficult to walk the straight line when your partner partakes heavily.

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Goodpal said:

My baggage is my former life. I was married and raised kids, now adults and I don't think I'm ready to go through all of those challenges again, the natural challenges that make up a relationship. At least not yet. Also we both struggle over indulging in alcohol. I've cut that out for now but it's difficult to walk the straight line when your partner partakes heavily.

I see. What about the daily life things that don’t match? You named them as one of the chief reasons for your desire to break up. What are they, specifically? 

[Goodpal]

11 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I see. What about the daily life things that don’t match? You named them as one of the chief reasons for your desire to break up. What are they, specifically? 

She's messy, unorganized, mo motivation to do anything but watch tv. I'm overall more active, very organized. I'd like someone with a little more energy. 

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, Goodpal said:

She's messy, unorganized, mo motivation to do anything but watch tv. I'm overall more active, very organized. I'd like someone with a little more energy. 

So do you want someone with a little more energy, or do you want her?

If it’s the second, accept her for what she is, and try to help her with her problems. If it’s the first, let her go.

[Gaeta]

On 6/13/2024 at 11:17 AM, Goodpal said:

The big problem is when we do break up I feel this horrible void.

That void is normal, you just need to endure through it. It's all in the brain. See when we spend a lot of time with someone our brain creates pathways that includes them. Once this person is gone the brain continues to search those pathways and can't find them = feeling the void. The good news is the brain after trying a few times realizes it has to create new pathways not including that person. That's why we recover faster from a breakup if we block people from contacting us.