lana_sa Posted June 9, 2024 Posted June 9, 2024 (edited) Long story,I am a woman 35 years old ,married to a man,having an affair with a woman.I know its like a mess but my marriage has always been a bad one and i am not ending it because of her only. Me and this woman met online 2 years ago, we met and really like eachother but we had many fights.at first because i take time to divorce…now i am finally at the stage where i am ready to get a divorce but i am afraid i lost her. we had so many fights on and off about nothing really,one of those fights led to me removing her on my social media,we continued talking after that but she said she will not add me back because she says ”i deleted her and i need to prove my self first by doing what i promised” .I thought that was ridicilous and that led to one more fight just yesterday.She says now she had enough.I know i am immature its my fault and i admit it, but i really do not want to lose her now that i am ready to leave mu husband and all..i love her is there any way for me to prove her i am serious or is this over? ps:i am swedish so sorry about my english i hope you understand Edited June 9, 2024 by lana_sa
basil67 Posted June 9, 2024 Posted June 9, 2024 (edited) She was right to leave you: your actions were beyond selfish. You expected her just to wait around for you to be ready to leave your husband. If you wanted her to have faith in you, you would have left your husband for her long ago. And then there were all the fights, you blocking her and you thinking she's "ridiculous" for wanting you to prove yourself to her before she gives you another chance. She's not being ridiculous!! You ask how to prove to her that you're serious. Obviously, you do it by leaving your husband immediately and find your own place to live. But why is this not obvious to you? Of course, she may not be willing to give you another chance, but your marriage is bad so either way, it needs to end. Edited June 9, 2024 by basil67
Author lana_sa Posted June 9, 2024 Author Posted June 9, 2024 (edited) 3 hours ago, basil67 said: She was right to leave you: your actions were beyond selfish. You expected her just to wait around for you to be ready to leave your husband. If you wanted her to have faith in you, you would have left your husband for her long ago. And then there were all the fights, you blocking her and you thinking she's "ridiculous" for wanting you to prove yourself to her before she gives you another chance. She's not being ridiculous!! You ask how to prove to her that you're serious. Obviously, you do it by leaving your husband immediately and find your own place to live. But why is this not obvious to you? Of course, she may not be willing to give you another chance, but your marriage is bad so either way, it needs to end. How do I know if she still cares for me or she is done? i asked her this, are you over me,if yes block me everywhere so i can not contact you she says she will not block me and is telling how its all my fault, she should at least say she dosnt want me anymore so i can get my closure i know i was selfish but now i am ready to change and if its too late she should tell me i think Edited June 9, 2024 by lana_sa
basil67 Posted June 9, 2024 Posted June 9, 2024 (edited) Well this is the thing: she's been waiting for you to leave your husband wondering what the heck you're doing for two years....and here you are still thinking the world revolves around what you need. She doesn't know if she still cares for you - this is why she's putting the responsibility back on you. She's asking you to step up and make up for all the bad. She needs to to prove yourself and your love for her. If you do it well enough to make up for stringing her along all that time, she might you another chance. Or, if you're not happy with how she's managing things, you can end it with her. Edited June 9, 2024 by basil67
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2024 Posted June 9, 2024 (edited) Any relationship that has a lot of conflict, where the relationship is on again/off again, when people are unfriending each other on social media, not talking to each other, and asking the other to “prove their love” is an unhealthy relationship. It sounds to me like if you left your husband, you would be moving from one unhealthy and unhappy relationship to another. Personally, I would end both relationships if it was me… Edited June 9, 2024 by BaileyB 1
Author lana_sa Posted June 9, 2024 Author Posted June 9, 2024 53 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Any relationship that has a lot of conflict, where the relationship is on again/off again, when people are unfriending each other on social media, not talking to each other, and asking the other to “prove their love” is an unhealthy relationship. It sounds to me like if you left your husband, you would be moving from one unhealthy and unhappy relationship to another. Personally, I would end both relationships if it was me… Our fights are more about my insecurities and my marriage,I really believe we could have had a good relationship if only i was better and handling it
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2024 Posted June 9, 2024 9 minutes ago, lana_sa said: Our fights are more about my insecurities and my marriage,I really believe we could have had a good relationship if only i was better and handling it And I have serious doubts that a healthy relationship can grow from a relationship that began/has developed such unhealthy patterns… I do hope that you find your happiness… best wishes.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 10, 2024 Posted June 10, 2024 On 6/9/2024 at 8:32 AM, lana_sa said: is there any way for me to prove her i am serious or is this over? Have you actually filed for divorce?
Author lana_sa Posted June 10, 2024 Author Posted June 10, 2024 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Have you actually filed for divorce? Not yet,I talked with my husband and both he and i agree we want a divorce…and will do it once he is back from France anyway,our marriage has been dead for years irs not like i had a happy marriage while having an affair,divorce has been discussed for last 3,4 years
ExpatInItaly Posted June 10, 2024 Posted June 10, 2024 Well, then you need to understand that you can't show your affair partner you're serious until you are actually divorced. You aren't being realistic about this. 1
Author lana_sa Posted June 10, 2024 Author Posted June 10, 2024 (edited) 19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Well, then you need to understand that you can't show your affair partner you're serious until you are actually divorced. You aren't being realistic about this. I know that,I was opening this thread more to hear if this is over based on our last fight yesterday.After that ,i opened my self up to her told her how i understand and know what i need to do, she said she doesnt want to talk more its too late now she does not care,but at the same time she wrote to me about random topics like elections, a tv show, her day..so we did speak yesterday. we did not speak today,because i have no idea if i should contact or leave her alone(usually we write good morning), no idea how to behave? Give her time and wait for her to contact me? Edited June 10, 2024 by lana_sa
ExpatInItaly Posted June 10, 2024 Posted June 10, 2024 What you don't seem to grasp is that unless you initiate divorce proceedings, none of the other communicaton or good morning texts really matter. She's tired of waitng around for you.
Author lana_sa Posted June 10, 2024 Author Posted June 10, 2024 (edited) 16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What you don't seem to grasp is that unless you initiate divorce proceedings, none of the other communicaton or good morning texts really matter. She's tired of waitng around for you. I got that,but what should i do mean time? i will divorce i am allready separated as of 2 days ago,my husband wants this divorce as well the divorce part is done i think she is more angry since our last fight for other reasons,she also said some hurtful things to me on the phone that day I have no idea if i should let her come to me if she wants to or should i try and contact her.Its not about the divorce really here,its about is this over or is she angry,should i wait or try and so on hope i made my self understood Edited June 10, 2024 by lana_sa
basil67 Posted June 10, 2024 Posted June 10, 2024 Have you moved out of your house? If so, call her. Apologise for your behaviour and ask her if there's a way for you to make things right
ExpatInItaly Posted June 10, 2024 Posted June 10, 2024 11 minutes ago, lana_sa said: Its not about the divorce really here,its about is this over Do you genuinely not see the correlation here? 1
SoulCat Posted June 10, 2024 Posted June 10, 2024 5 hours ago, lana_sa said: Not yet,I talked with my husband and both he and i agree we want a divorce…and will do it once he is back from France 4 hours ago, lana_sa said: the divorce part is done Unless your husband returned from France and the both of you somehow circumnavigated all proper legal procedures & timeframes pertaining to the dissolution of a marriage, your divorce is very much not done. In fact, it's anything but. Thus far it's just a loosely agreed upon course of direction between you and your spouse. From your ex girlfriend's perspective, it's just more talk. More empty words. More unfulfilled promises. If you really want to prove to her that you are serious, nothing less than your Decree Absolute (or whatever your jurisdiction's legal equivalent) will do.
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