Miranda Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Hi, I'm a new poster, though I've browsed these boards some. A little background on me. I'm a 28 year-old, currently single woman who has never cheated on anybody, never been cheated on, to the best of my knowledge, and never participated in cheating or covering up cheating. I also live in a fairly remote, isolated area, and have been supplementing my conventional dating with online dating basically since I moved here, because you just can't depend on the local crop. Some of you may have your own opinions on online dating, etc., I'm sure, but the fact is, it's what works for me, when the dating is sparse. Within the last month or so, I began an online flirtation with a guy who had messaged me, responding to one of my online profiles. He lives substantially far from me, so I never anticipated that we'd meet, we just had fun with flirty, at times sexually explicit e-mails, IMs. I've come to enjoy our flirtation, and fun, witty banter, and find him to be intelligent, charming, and clever. Fairly early on, he also disclosed that he is married. My gut reaction was at first to back off, but the truth is, I really do enjoy talking to him. He has said that he doesn't consider what we do to be anymore than harmless flirtation. And I know we certainly have no plans to meet and solidify anything beyond anything more than an online flirtation. But what do people think? Does this constitute cheating?
bluechocolate Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 But what do people think? Does this constitute cheating? Yes - and I imagine his wife would feel the same way.
newbby Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 if his wife doesnt know about it then it is a FORM of cheating.
Author Miranda Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 So, should I not talk to him at all anymore, or simply lay off the flirtation? I really do enjoy talking to him. I guess I'm wondering if I'm considered "The Other Woman" if I'm seeking no actual intimacy with the man in question, beyond conversation.
Sami_D Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Well it depends on how you feel, really. How would you know what his W thinks of it..? Some might say it's the only reason some marriages even continue. The thing is... you're asking the question here, so it's evidently more than 'nothing' to you... do you care about him..? Because it could get really sticky and end up quite emotional for you. And that's not something you would probably want to get into. Especially as he's talking of it as nothing in particular. So just watch your heart. And if it's nothing to you... then what it is to him or his wife is their affair.
newbby Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 it is up to you what you want to do miranda. i was answering the question you had, is it cheating. the thing to make sure of though, are your feelings in this, if you have any. are you sure that you arent becoming dependent on him etc. i know for myself (and not saying you are the same), i find it easy to get attached even in an online relationship type situation.
Author Miranda Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 That's just the thing. I've been in relationships that originated online before, and in this case, I don't see it as anything that will ever become an actual relationship; will ever become anything but talking online. Even prior to learning he's otherwise attached, there was a distance barrier already in place, and learning that he's married DEFINITELY ensures that it's going no further than words on a screen. I know I enjoy his banter. I wouldn't say I care for him...I really don't know him, so that would be a bit strange. This hasn't been going on very long.
Author Miranda Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 Yes, I know, newbby, and I appreciate the responses. I was really curious as to how many would consider anonymous online flirtation to be cheating. I'm kind of torn. I see his point that it's just flirtation, however, on the flip side, if I were married and my husband were seeking anonymous women to chat with online, I'd probably be quite upset.
Sami_D Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I was really curious as to how many would consider anonymous online flirtation to be cheating. Do you..? If you think it's something wrong, then don't do it. Why would the opinions of a bunch of (usually judgemental) strangers mean anything to you..? What usually means something is how people INVOLVED in the situation view it. If you're uncomfortable with it... end it. Because probably that means something is involved that shouldn't be involved.
Author Miranda Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 Well, being no stranger to messageboards (I moderate one myself), I was mostly curious about unbiased opinions of people who don't know me...really more curiosity as to how it looks from the outside, and plan to continue mulling over how I feel about it. As I said, I've never been involved in anything prior to this that involved deception at any level, to the best of my knowledge at least. And when the banter began, I wasn't aware of his marital status, though he was forthcoming about it early enough on. I kind of flip flop on how I feel about it. I don't ever feel guilty about it, nor do I feel like I'm in the wrong...I'm a single person engaging in a flirtation. I'm not having sex with a married man or anything like that. But sometimes I do think that he's gotta be pretty jerky for seeking attention/flirtation outside his relationship. But, at the same time, since I don't plan on being involved with him beyond talking online, what do I care if he's jerky and, as subject to interpretation, unfaithful in the eyes of some, due to this habit? He's interesting and enjoyable to talk to, nothing physically intimate is going on, and, to be honest, I don't really have anything flesh and blood going on right now, or I'd not be sitting at my computer. For me, I don't foresee choosing flirty chat over a flesh and blood date, so I'm sure this will peter out when I start dating again.
Sami_D Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 The thing is... to keep those things in mind... it's just something... and nothing... ... but I wonder. Because you're asking about it. Of course I don't know you. You might be just a regular kind of person interested in how it's viewed... or you might be really questioning something that you're starting to feel. Only you can know those things. And only you can guard your heart. What other people view it as... well, if you care about that... I am sure there are many people online who would view it as sinful, or whatever. But if you aren't feeling that, and don't wish something bad... then how can you know how to respond to it..? Why let someone else decide your own moral views on something? THAT I don't undestand. Do you want to cause his W any harm..? No. Thing is... it might or might not be beneficial to their marriage. Many marriages are a bunch of ****e sexually... and it's only online interest keeping them from having 'real' affairs. Who can say what's the right and wrong thing to do 'objectively'..? Sure, there are people here who will try to tell you one way or another... And I am sure that some stories will help you decide, from the point of view of the possibility of one or another party getting hurt. But morally... I don't know... I am sure that's something for the individual..?
newbby Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 i agree with this. it may be satisfying his flirtation need, and keeping him from having an affair. who is to say whats best or not. only you can decide whats best or not for you, since you have absolutely no idea of what happens in his life or his marriage.
Author Miranda Posted December 31, 2005 Author Posted December 31, 2005 Yeah, it's just all food for thought. I mean, I have lots of online flirtations when I'm single and think nothing of it, it's just for fun. This is just the first time I've been confronted with one who admits to having a wife.
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