EX Reached Out, but I'm Not Sure If She Is Toxic, or I Am the Problem

[Orkidea2024]

So me and my ex broke up after an argument around 12 months ago.

 

Last night, for the first time in 12 months she reached out by text message. She didn't say much other than "I hope you are well, I still think about you alot" 

 

I haven't responded back yet, as I have been in a state of confusion & conflict since the break up.

Often I recognise toxic behaviour, disrespectful behaviour.. However then I battle with my own thoughts & ask myself, maybe I am being too sensitive? Maybe I should be more tolerant & overlook some bad behaviours.

 

I don't want to drawn on forever, we dated for 9 months & several incidents that happened, left me feeling like I should walk away from her.

 

First Incident.. She got very drunk with her friends the day prior to our date & didn't show up for our date, because she slept all day through her hangover. I felt disrespected. She kind of apologised, but the apology was not forthcoming, I pretty much had to spell out to her, what she did wrong. I did not like the fact, that I had to explain to her why her behaviour was a problem.

Second Incident.. We had a disagreement on where to stay for the weekend. Her house or at my house. She became angry & told me to "Shut the EF Up" in an aggressive tone.

I immediately let her know that she was out of order speaking to me in that way.. She didn't care, or apologise. She turned her back to me all night & simply went to sleep. I was upset & angry all night & didn't even sleep a wink. Early in the morning I simply walked out of her house, because I was quite upset & angry. When she realised that I had gone.. She sent me a text message & ended the relationship. Basically I got dumped by text message.

I sent her a text message back & agreed with the break up. After 2 days of no contact, she began texting me, and calling me. She called me 18 times.. I eventually took her call.. She basically told me, that she dumped me out of anger & didn't mean it, and wants to try again. Foolishly I gave her another chance.

 

Incident Three.. My ex is addicted to social media. She is on every social media platform under the sun.. Her phone usage was always a problem & a point of conflict. Having to tell her to put her phone away, was getting tiresome. We was sat around the dinner table in my kitchen & I asked her not to use her phone and social media, when we are about to eat, or around the kitchen table. She immediately went into an aggressive rage & began ranting at me. I didn't like her response one bit. Later that night, she argued with me another two times, I was so fed up, that I asked her to leave my house, and offered her an Uber back home. Some hurtful things where said between us, back & forth.. Anyway she left & we never spoke to eachother again. It was over for good.

 

Yesterday is the first time in 12 months I have heard from her. She has more likely been with other men and had other relationships.

 

There was also several other incidents when she went into an aggressive rant with me.. And even mocked me a few times.

 

When it's comes to communic, she would play games from time to time too. Her moods where changing like the weather.

 

She has also been on Anti Depressants before she met me.. Her last relationship prior to mine was also toxic.. On our fourth date, she told me "She doesn't have a filter & says whatever she wants if anyone annoys her"

 

She prefers to have male friends over females freinds, and has been with 12 men, by age 24. Is this pretty normal for sexual partners in her past?

 

Anyway, I don't know if I should respond back to her... Or continue with No Contact. When I was with her, I loved her alot. Still do.. but I don't want to end up in a toxic mess. 

 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Orkidea2024 said:

but I don't want to end up in a toxic mess. 

Man, it already did. 

6 hours ago, Orkidea2024 said:

On our fourth date, she told me "She doesn't have a filter & says whatever she wants if anyone annoys her"

Sorry, but what made you want to continue seeing someone who is so socially inept? Stay away from people who think that being rude and immature is cool. 

You had plenty of red flags about this woman, which you evidently tried to overlook for way too long. It would be foolish to go back for more. 

[flitzanu]

i'm sure 12 months later she is still behaving the same, and that you probably still want to control her social media if you were around her, so it sounds like neither of you would enjoy being together.

and, her text didn't indicate anything about actually wanting to speak to you or get back together.  she didn't say she wants to talk or wants to see you.  i'd stay away.

[Orkidea2024]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

i'm sure 12 months later she is still behaving the same, and that you probably still want to control her social media if you were around her, so it sounds like neither of you would enjoy being together.

and, her text didn't indicate anything about actually wanting to speak to you or get back together.  she didn't say she wants to talk or wants to see you.  i'd stay away.

I don't want to control her social media. I simply would like people to put the social media addiction away, around the dinner table, when I have cooked for us both.

 

Is basic table manners, controlling now? It's a shame when basic manners are deemed as control by the likes of people like you.

Do you enjoy being around people who you are trying to have a conversation with, but they are too busy ignoring you & looking at there phone instead?

 

 

[flitzanu]

22 hours ago, Orkidea2024 said:

I don't want to control her social media. I simply would like people to put the social media addiction away, around the dinner table, when I have cooked for us both.

 

Is basic table manners, controlling now? It's a shame when basic manners are deemed as control by the likes of people like you.

Do you enjoy being around people who you are trying to have a conversation with, but they are too busy ignoring you & looking at there phone instead?

 

 

well, you're overlooking a bigger point here.

a person choosing to ignore you and looking at their phone is a person that is obviously not interested in giving you undivided attention.  that's your indicator, that this person isn't as interested in your company as the interest in their phone.

no matter how much you force them (or ask) to put down the phone, their decision is with something they find more interesting than you.

that means she isn't worth the time, because she isn't giving you the time. 

 

[basil67]

On 6/4/2024 at 10:41 AM, Orkidea2024 said:

I asked her not to use her phone and social media, when we are about to eat, or around the kitchen table.

This relationship, and particularly this story sounds very familiar.  Have you written here before under a different name?