What's wrong with me?

[Luke12345]

I'm 33, the girl I met on hinge is 26, over text we hit it off straight away. We have many similar interests and the chat was great.

We met today in person and she is lovely, beautiful, kind, respectful, if anything she was carrying the conversation more than me which I'm more used to doing myself. I should have no complaints right?

But I couldn't help leaving that date thinking there's something missing. What more could I want though? My initial though was I like a little rough around the edges and she was too nicey nice, but the chat even in person was great with a natural back and forth. I'm very confused and ultimately worried if I think this way about something that went so well will I end up alone?

I would like an outside perspective of this, am I just being indecisive, picky, or even stupid? Or from your own experiences, could this be something deeper I'm not even aware of?

What's wrong with me that I would bat this opportunity to the side like it's nothing?

[basil67]

It can happen that a person ticks all the boxes, but for some reason there isn't the attraction.  

Wait and see if she has enough interest for a second date.  It could be that she also feels that something is missing and won't want to meet again....in which case, then you know it simply wasn't a match.   

Try not to over think it

 

[BaileyB]

I second that advice. If you enjoyed her company enough to want to see her again, ask for another date. Do something fun together - relax and get to know her in a different way. If, after a few dates, you are still not feeling it then she is not the one for you… but, try planning a more active date over a shared interest and have some fun with her. Either your feelings will grow, or they won’t. 

[Maldives]

3 hours ago, Luke12345 said:

I'm 33, the girl I met on hinge is 26, over text we hit it off straight away. We have many similar interests and the chat was great.

We met today in person and she is lovely, beautiful, kind, respectful, if anything she was carrying the conversation more than me which I'm more used to doing myself. I should have no complaints right?

But I couldn't help leaving that date thinking there's something missing. What more could I want though? My initial though was I like a little rough around the edges and she was too nicey nice, but the chat even in person was great with a natural back and forth. I'm very confused and ultimately worried if I think this way about something that went so well will I end up alone?

I would like an outside perspective of this, am I just being indecisive, picky, or even stupid? Or from your own experiences, could this be something deeper I'm not even aware of?

What's wrong with me that I would bat this opportunity to the side like it's nothing?

Give it a couple of days and reassess how you feel. Sometimes it takes a few days for the brain to settle down analysing sometimes over analysing.

[FredEire]

10 hours ago, Luke12345 said:

I'm 33, the girl I met on hinge is 26, over text we hit it off straight away. We have many similar interests and the chat was great.

We met today in person and she is lovely, beautiful, kind, respectful, if anything she was carrying the conversation more than me which I'm more used to doing myself. I should have no complaints right?

But I couldn't help leaving that date thinking there's something missing. What more could I want though? My initial though was I like a little rough around the edges and she was too nicey nice, but the chat even in person was great with a natural back and forth. I'm very confused and ultimately worried if I think this way about something that went so well will I end up alone?

I would like an outside perspective of this, am I just being indecisive, picky, or even stupid? Or from your own experiences, could this be something deeper I'm not even aware of?

What's wrong with me that I would bat this opportunity to the side like it's nothing?

Attraction is a funny thing isn't it? So many times I've met someone who is beautiful, kind, funny etc. etc. but I'm just not feeling it. And I might be feeling it more with someone who is less beautiful, not as kind, not as funny etc. If there's something wrong with you there's something wrong with a lot of us.

Having said that one date isn't enough, go on a couple more and you'll get a better idea.

[justwhoiam]

I guess there wasn’t really any sexual tension between you two. You can call it chemistry, it’s more than just liking someone. If it’s only physical, that won’t work in the long run either. I think a girl/woman needs to have a bit of mystery or be intriguing to really catch a guy’s interest and make him want to get to know her more and see her again. He needs to be genuinely attracted to her personality. It seems like that wasn't there this time. So, asking for a second date would just be leading her on.

[Gebidozo]

Romantic attraction is much more than just “ticking all the boxes”. Sexual chemistry is the foundation of every romantic relationship. If you aren’t physically attracted to her, you just aren’t, it doesn’t matter how great you think she is. 

Being together with someone you have sexual chemistry and nothing else is like laying a foundation stone but neglecting the rest of the building. It will still be a structure, something tangible and real. But being together with someone without having sexual chemistry would be like building a house without a foundation. It will inevitably collapse. 

[FredEire]

23 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Romantic attraction is much more than just “ticking all the boxes”. Sexual chemistry is the foundation of every romantic relationship. If you aren’t physically attracted to her, you just aren’t, it doesn’t matter how great you think she is. 

Being together with someone you have sexual chemistry and nothing else is like laying a foundation stone but neglecting the rest of the building. It will still be a structure, something tangible and real. But being together with someone without having sexual chemistry would be like building a house without a foundation. It will inevitably collapse. 

I somewhat disagree. I think the foundation is sexual chemistry plus matching personalities, i.e conversation is free and easy, you have a great time together effortlessly and feel very comfortable around them.

If either of those is missing it's not going to work as a relationship, it can either be a purely sexual relationship (sexual attraction/chemistry but personalities don't quite match), or you may become friends if you're not sexually attracted to them. Usually though both of these fizzle out when either person feels like they should aim for something more or finds it with someone else.

[Gaeta]

Nothing is wrong with you. I've had my share of first dates with men perfect on paper but I did not feel a connection, sometimes I did feel a connection but it was like a friendship or a brotherly connection. Attraction is something invisible, you'd think you'd be automatically attracted toward a beautiful kind woman but it's not even about that. She did not have the right pheromones for you. 

[ZA Dater]

Do not overthink. If you enjoy her company then see her again, sometimes I think. We second guess ourselves too much.

 

[mark clemson]

There can be nice and pretty women who you "just aren't feeling it" with. It happens.

Is your gut sense that you are "self-sabotaging" or "just not feeling it" ?  Is turning down potentially good GFs a habit for you? IF so, perhaps you are "avoidant"?

[smackie9]

It's simple....you both have very different personality traits...you want someone that's part of your tribe...she's too much of an outsider. 

[ZA Dater]

I also think if you have had poor dating experiences anything positive you immediately question that as being an abnormal experience.

[Lotsgoingon]

We often cannot pinpoint why we're not excited about someone. That's normal. But that reaction (that something is missing) is as valid and smart as any checklist.

Years ago, I dated a woman who was wonderful. She was smart, sexy, we had a lot in common and she was to my eyes quite cute and good looking. It just never felt right. 

Years later, I realized something: this wonderful woman just never crossed over into romantic partner for me. She was like a friend. There is a big difference. 

You can give this woman a second date. BTW: your confusion here is possibly a sign that you have really low standards. You think anyone literate who can speak in complete sentences (with some shared values) is someone you SHOULD be attracted to. Uh., no--not true. Attraction doesn't work that way. You could find 20 women with similar outward qualities as this woman and with similar values and you'd probably be attracted to two or three of them. 

Edited May 30, 2024 by Lotsgoingon

[Nellea]

It’s not always love at first sight lol You don’t really know her after one date. Maybe you’re expecting too much? 
Maybe she has a ‘rough around the edges’ side that you wouldn’t see on a first date? 
Who knows? If you like her… you should get to know her a bit better and go on a second date… 😉⭐️

[Ami1uwant]

On 5/29/2024 at 4:46 PM, Luke12345 said:

I'm 33, the girl I met on hinge is 26, over text we hit it off straight away. We have many similar interests and the chat was great.

We met today in person and she is lovely, beautiful, kind, respectful, if anything she was carrying the conversation more than me which I'm more used to doing myself. I should have no complaints right?

But I couldn't help leaving that date thinking there's something missing. What more could I want though? My initial though was I like a little rough around the edges and she was too nicey nice, but the chat even in person was great with a natural back and forth. I'm very confused and ultimately worried if I think this way about something that went so well will I end up alone?

I would like an outside perspective of this, am I just being indecisive, picky, or even stupid? Or from your own experiences, could this be something deeper I'm not even aware of?

What's wrong with me that I would bat this opportunity to the side like it's nothing?

My advice….

 

by meeting online you are missing some steps than if you meet in person.  Because of this, I always say give yourself at least another merting before deciding anything.  There was no red flags on this date then you should dater again.

[ZA Dater]

Agreed, if there are no red flags you may as well meet her again. My view is perhaps you think she might actually be too good to be true hence you are cautious.

That's a valid emotion to have, especially if you have struggled in the past to meet people you actually find attractive.