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Should I go through with no contact or is it the right decision?

HopelessNick

By HopelessNick
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Gebidozo Established Member

Gebidozo

Posted
Posted
  On 5/31/2024 at 3:50 PM, HopelessNick said:

I'm not in love with her anymore because I don't feel like and am not good enough for her.

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Sorry, but everything else you say, your tone and your emotions, the vibes that you emit, everything suggests that you are in love with her. Nobody falls out of love because they feel they “aren’t good enough”, that’s nonsense. And generally “I’m not good enough for you, let’s break up” is just a euphemism for “I don’t love you anymore, let’s break up”. Except that in your case, she is the one who broke up with you, and you got into your head that was because you weren’t “good enough”. And now you’re clinging to that, trying to convince yourself that if you become “good enough” she’ll be with you again, and pretending to yourself that you aren’t still in love with her. 

  On 5/31/2024 at 3:50 PM, HopelessNick said:

I know and that's my point! I know it will happen, but why we can't keep being there for each other UNTIL that happens?

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For what? Why do you keep clinging to this girl with futile hopes and want to “be there for each other” so that the “not being there for each other anymore” (which will happen the moment she gets a new boyfriend) will hurt you even more? You need to move on.
 

  On 5/31/2024 at 3:50 PM, HopelessNick said:

I don't care about her romantically as of right now. I don't care about ANYONE romantically right now because I'm not ready. I know I will want her romantically later when I become the person I want to be because my mindset will change. I know how already perfect we felt mutually when we were together even though I wasn't what she needed.

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This makes no sense at all, man. 

You either love someone romantically, or you don’t. If you do, you are ready. If you don’t, you don’t, and it’s time to let go and move on.

It’s clear that you are still within the inertia of romantic love for her, otherwise you wouldn’t be concocting such bizarre and infeasible plans as the resurrection of romantic love at some hypothetical point in the future when you “become the person you want to become”. All you should do is break off contact with her and let time pass, your romantic feeling will then pass as well and you’ll be healed.

  On 5/31/2024 at 3:50 PM, HopelessNick said:

She stopped being in love with me because "she realised I wasn't enough and she couldn't babysit me anymore" (her words). "I had the boy hoping to fall in love with the man, but I never got the chance to see the man". 

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So? The bottom line is “she stopped being in love with you”. Period. It’s a good thing that she explained to you why, because now you can work on yourself so that you’ll become more mature in your future relationship. But this relationship is over. She made it very clear. You can’t hope to revive it, it won’t happen.

  On 5/31/2024 at 3:50 PM, HopelessNick said:

Why wouldn't we be even better if I become what she needs and she doesn't need to babysit me anymore? 

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Because it doesn’t work like that. Once a woman falls out of love, she does it for good. It doesn’t matter if you become the most manly and mature person on this planet, she won’t come back and love you again. The most she’ll do is care for you as person, not as a man, and be sincerely happy for you when you become a better person.

 

  On 5/31/2024 at 3:50 PM, HopelessNick said:

She still loves that guy, present tense. She's just not getting that guy and she's not patient enough to wait for that guy to arrive. I was never the man. So the love never existed? I haven't changed, I'm still that boy. 

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It’s hard to understand what you mean, but no, she doesn’t love that guy, present tense. She did love you before, but fell out of love. Like she said, she isn’t going to wait for that guy to arrive, which means that you shouldn’t hope for that. You should move on.

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

Posted
Posted

you should go through with no contact because she broke up with you long ago and is stringing you along with no intention of getting back together.

no contact is not a two way decision, this is YOUR decision.  you also don't announce to someone you are "going no contact" you simply delete and block them and never speak to them.  she dumped you and that was the cue that you don't owe her any explanation for not speaking to her any longer.  

 

 

assertives Established Member

assertives

Posted
Posted
  On 5/31/2024 at 3:50 PM, HopelessNick said:

Why wouldn't we be even better if I become what she needs and she doesn't need to babysit me anymore? 

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Because by that time, she will also not be who she is now. People change, grow and mature, and the experiences they go through in life will shape their priorities and what they want out of life. The qualities of a partner that attracts someone when they are in their 20s is not going to be the same as the qualities they look for in their 30s and 40s. Couples that stay together for a long time usually grow together but sometimes there are couples that grow apart too. You are speaking in such absolute terms as if it you writing a computer code and are so sure that if certain conditions are met then all will fall nicely in place. But that's not how relationships and attraction works though. You should focus on who you want to be as a person and not who you and her want you to be.

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Orkidea2024 New Member

Orkidea2024

Posted
Posted (edited)

This isn't complicated.

 

Your displaying weak & needy behaviour. Most women are not attracted to needy men or weak men..

Biological hardwiring. It's ok.. I'm guessing you are quite young.

 

You will understand male/female attraction dynamics as you get older and more experienced.

 

She is letting you down gently & letting you know that your not the strong alpha male that she wants, needs, requires. 

Pain is what pushes us men to do better and improve. Put this down as a learning curb. You will find other woman.. Just learn from this experience & become a strong man. 

Edited by Orkidea2024
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted (edited)

Sorry, but it this not the same woman from your other thread a few months ago?

The one who's been sexting a married man and kept it up while you were together, too?

If so, you omitted a lot of pertinent context from this thread, NIck, and are not giving  posters the whole story. 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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HopelessNick Established Member

HopelessNick

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Posted (edited)
  On 5/29/2024 at 10:32 AM, HopelessNick said:

Then her nan passed away at the start of the 3rd month and she said that put everything into perspective. She said still loved me so much and she'd do anything for me and cared about me so much, but she wasn't in love with me anymore and wasn't in love with me for a while but hadn't realised. When I alluded about us getting back together, she still said "maybe one day". 

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  On 6/4/2024 at 6:08 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Sorry, but it this not the same woman from your other thread a few months ago?

The one who's been sexting a married man and kept it up while you were together, too?

If so, you omitted a lot of pertinent context from this thread, NIck, and are not giving  posters the whole story. 

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That's all in the past now, which is why I didn't bring it up. She's not in contact with him anymore and has apologised completely. Her nan passing away also made her stop the affair, along with the email which I got away with. 

Edited by HopelessNick
Gebidozo Established Member

Gebidozo

Posted
Posted
  On 6/4/2024 at 4:56 PM, HopelessNick said:

 

That's all in the past now, which is why I didn't bring it up. She's not in contact with him anymore and has apologised completely. Her nan passing away also made her stop the affair. 

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Dude, what are you talking about? Your original post states that “everything was absolutely wonderful” between you two. In what world can an affair that ends only due to a relative’s death exist within an “absolutely wonderful” relationship?

 

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
  On 6/4/2024 at 4:56 PM, HopelessNick said:

That's all in the past now, which is why I didn't bring it up. She's not in contact with him anymore and has apologised completely. Her nan passing away also made her stop the affair, along with the email which I got away with. 

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It's a huge reason this relationship didn't work out. 

She was always into someone else more than she was into you. Your past thread about her is clear evidence of that. You did not have a wonderful relationship with this woman. You are re-writing history in your mind and still in very deep denial about her and how messed-up this whole situation was. 

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