How can my H love me if he had an A?

[Betrayed Heart]

My H (M 10 years) had an A recently with a co-worker/friend of ours. He has worked with this woman for 5 years. In this time we have become friends. We don't go out and do things together, we just visit at work related functions and if we see her in public. My H admitted to me that she does flirt with him a lot and I thought nothing about it because he is a good looking guy, with a great sense of humor and that is what I found attractive about him myself so why wouldn't any other woman. In the 5th year of them working together my H and I were going through a bad time in our M. I was suffering from depression, didn't feel good about myself. It didn't help that my H was always on my case about loosing the extra weight I had put on after we had our children. I was about 30 lbs overweight. I didn't want to have sex as often. H didn't support me much with my unhappiness and crabbiness so I felt like he didn't really care. I didn't stop sex completely, we had it a few times a month, like four or five. There was times we went two weeks were I just didn't feel like it because of how I was feeling, how he was making me feel about my weight.

H and the OW became close. He felt he could confide in her about our M problems. She persued him more and told him she was very attracted to him. Their emotional A started which turned into a PA. I found out about the A but both denied it. Finally, after about 2 months of fighting, crying, getting sick to my stomach (yes I lost some weight during all this) and me threatening to leave the M he admitted to the A. I knew they were both lying, I had too much proof and he knew it. He has been trying to do everything to make this M work. He gave me a wonderful card and said he knew how much he hurt me and nothing he can say will be enough to say how sorry he is for hurting me. He said he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of his live with me, that he has loved me from the very start and will love me forever. How can a person really love another if they cheat on them? I could never do that, no matter how much he gets on me about my weight and making me feel badly about it. I have had several lovers before I even met H so it's not like I don't know what it's like not to be with another man. I could never imagine holding hands with another man letting alone sleeping with one. I just couldn't do this to him. I couldn't imagine how much hurt it would cause him if I had an A. I just don't get it. How could he do this to me? That is why I just don't feel he loves me if he can go and get involved with someone and have sex with her. Didn't he ever think of me when he was having sex with her? I just can't imagine sleeping with someone else and my H's face not being right there, haunting me. I could never do it, I could never do that to him. My M may not be the best, but I could never have an A with another man. I guess it just prooves who loves who more in this M.

[goingforgold]

**hugs** for you.

It must be a tough time.

I have always believed that anyone that cheats on their partner is NOT in love with them. A lot of people wont agree with me there, but that is just my belief, if you love someone more than life itself and they mean everything to you, u just dont cheat!!

 

I dont know what the answer 2 ur problems are.

Maybe try talking ur feelings thru with someone who will only listen and not offer u advice of what u should do.

 

I hope it all works out for you.

[JadeStar]

There are alot of people that will assume that because their spouse cheated its because they don't love them. However, that may sometimes be the case but not all the time. Its true its a pure selfish act to engage in, but sometimes its not always about the fact they don't love their spouse, but more about the fact their has been something lacking in the marriage. Communication would proably be one of the main things lacking as well.

 

Just because something was lacking, communication, sex, emotional needs etc, doesn't mean they should cheat. To cheat is a choice. He didn't have to, but he chose too. Did you talk with him and tell him how you felt about how you felt about yourself, your body image etc. Did you tell him you felt he didn't care, and that it would have been nice to recieve some kind of suporrt and understanding from him? If so what was his answer to all this? What was his excuse to cheat? I would say if you feel this is a fixable situation, something you both want to try to salvage, then I would say get into some marriage counseling ASAP. Perhaps mention that to him.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[Becoming]

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. It's a terrible, terrible pain. You've been betrayed at the deepest level and it's horrible.

 

I don't understand it either, frankly. It's pure selfishness. Some still call it sin, which we're all prone to it and not immune from. There's a part of us that wants what we want when we want it, screw the consequences. Some us don't act out of that part of us without thinking about others--i.e. you. Others fall into that pit and wallow.

 

It sounds like you're willing (perhaps too much so) to accept responsibility for what went wrong. Are you overly responsible? Meaning you're so responsible for most things he doesn't have to be?

 

Instead of focusing on how he could do this to you, which is just a path of pure misery, focus instead on doing what you need to do to tend to your own emotional needs. You need help for your depression--therapy and possibly meds. Before you can go on to solve this huge problem, you need to be in tiptop shape, and you're not. Be responsible for yourself now and expect the same from him. If he's not gonna be responsible, reconsider whether you really want this for the rest of your life. Now's a good time to get the help you really need beyond just a bunch of us well-meaning folks.

[AJS]

Hi BH!

 

I'm a MW and I had an A on my H of 12 yrs. I didn't do it because I didn't love him anymore, I did it because I didn't "like" him anymore. I first begged, pleaded, and tried my best to work on my M. When everything failed, I had an A. It was really more for thrills than anything. It made me feel good about myself again, and that's what I was really looking for. When I told my H, he was very hurt. It took along time for us to rebuild our M. It's now better than it EVER WAS!!! I hate to say it, but I think my A helped my M in the end. We are closer than we ever were before. He changed things about himself that helped our M as did I. I never stopped loving him though, and now I love him even more. Just thought I would share. Take Care!

[EMJ]

But you can grow from this experience.

 

Men equate sex with love in a marriage. It's how you show him that you admire, respect, and desire him. He feels it very personally when you stop showing this kind of affection, never initiate it, and just "tolerate" it. He thinks you don't love him the same way anymore. Especially if you were very active and interested in sex before.

 

The weight gain says more about your own happiness and self esteem than him.

Yes, he wants you to look and feel as good as before, don't you?

This entails real work and also recognizing that it's important that he be physically attracted to you. There's always a younger and prettier woman out there who won't have a problem stepping up if you don't want him and don't want to work at keeping him.

 

Here's the big truth-Men can have affairs and still very much love their spouses. It happens EVERY day. Women can too, but men seem to be able to separate their emotions better. Stop kicking yourself over "Why, Why, Why?" You already know why.

 

If it's truly over it and he's making a real effort, then show him that you see it and are willing to work at this marriage. Have lots of sex until you remember why you married him. It's important that you put this behind you and learn from it. Don't ever throw it up in his face, he'll know you still resent him, and it will not repair things. Also, he needs to start thinking about some other place to work. She's not likely to go quietly and will not make it easy to heal your marriage. No one likes to lose. good luck.

[lilmoma1973]

B][/b]

 

I don't think it is that he don't love you ,just not thinking with the right head!! :lmao: Some men just don't think about the repercussions of the outcome ,and think about theirselves and being selfish and inconsiderate!! Really no excuse !!

[ColoradoGal]

I absolutely think there are some people who love their partner yet have an affair with someone else -- for whatever stupid reason there may be. I actually think the one that is not loved very much is the OW/OM. They are being treated in the lowest of ways. Limited visits (usually just for sex), mainly just phone or email contacts, and are being lied to probably more than the BS. They are being used by someone that took vows with another person and they don't seem to have the self-esteem to say "goodbye". So while I think it's twisted, I certainly think that plenty of cheating men and women honestly feel they love their spouse, the only problem is, they love themselves more.

[lilmoma1973]

I absolutely think there are some people who love their partner yet have an affair with someone else -- for whatever stupid reason there may be. I actually think the one that is not loved very much is the OW/OM. They are being treated in the lowest of ways. Limited visits (usually just for sex), mainly just phone or email contacts, and are being lied to probably more than the BS. They are being used by someone that took vows with another person and they don't seem to have the self-esteem to say "goodbye". So while I think it's twisted, I certainly think that plenty of cheating men and women honestly feel they love their spouse, the only problem is, they love themselves more.

 

 

I totally agree with you Colorado ,they love themselves more ,thats why they do it ,they are being selfish and inconsiderate of others feelings, and think only them!!!

[AJS]

"they are being selfish and inconsiderate of others feelings, and think only them!!!

 

 

First of all, that isn't always the case. You can't look at it so black and white. In my case, it wasn't me being selfish at all! I did everything I could to fix my M without going there. I even told H that I was going to cheat. HE ignored me until it was too late. HE didn't want to put the effort in because I had always been there and he really thought no matter what he did that wouldn't change. In my M, HE was the selfish one for a long time. I wanted to be loved and feel good about myself again, something HE wasn't doing anymore. All affairs happen for many different reasons, you can't see it just one way, makes you look very ignorant.

[Fun2BMe]

The point I was trying to make in another thread when I stated that men cheat more than women was that men cheat even if they are in love with their partner and not with the person they are having an affair with. Women on the most part rarely cheat on their spouse or partner when they love them.

 

Chances are he loves you, he just didn't respect. care or think of the consequences.

I just can't imagine sleeping with someone else and my H's face not being right there, haunting me. I could never do it, I could never do that to him. My M may not be the best, but I could never have an A with another man. I guess it just prooves who loves who more in this M.

Don't think of it in terms of who loves who more. Try to work it out. He may love you just as much, but the sex clouded his judgement. Men cheat even when they are in love, unlike women. Women usually but not always cheat when they are no longer in love.

 

At least you know he was pressured and purused by the other lady. If he is apologetic and regrets what he did, try to work it out.

[madamdragonfly]

During the aftermath of finding out about my husband's infedelity, he told me that he loved me and my quick response was: "I know you do, but only about half as much as you love yourself and that ain't gonna work."

 

As I have thought about this in the time that has passed, I firmly believe that this statement, in essence, might just be a key to understanding what he did.

 

He cheated for the basic reasons...excitement, thrill, newness, out of boredom. NOT because he didn't love me, but because HE needed something for himself that he wasn't getting from me.

 

It has taken therapy and many, many self degrading thoughts to come to realize that this was not and is not my fault. It lies with him. It lies with the selfish streak that screams "I want this!" (we all have one, you know...male or female)

 

Does this little fact make it any less painful or degrading? Nope. But it does help me keep things in perspective as far as feeling unloved. Only you can determine how much love you require from your mate...and this sets the bounderies for what can can't be accepted from them.

 

I know my husband loves me. What I really need to know now is whether or not he loves me enough to fight his urges and communicate to me when he is fighting this demon. I still don't have the answer to this, but I do feel a great deal better knowing that I have finally accepted that infedelity isn't necessisarily about love as much as it is about choices.

[jmargel]

Hi BH!

 

I'm a MW and I had an A on my H of 12 yrs. I didn't do it because I didn't love him anymore, I did it because I didn't "like" him anymore. I first begged, pleaded, and tried my best to work on my M. When everything failed, I had an A. It was really more for thrills than anything. It made me feel good about myself again, and that's what I was really looking for. When I told my H, he was very hurt. It took along time for us to rebuild our M. It's now better than it EVER WAS!!! I hate to say it, but I think my A helped my M in the end. We are closer than we ever were before. He changed things about himself that helped our M as did I. I never stopped loving him though, and now I love him even more. Just thought I would share. Take Care!

 

I would have to TOTALLY disagree. What made you closer with him was better COMMUNICATION, which in turned made you change things about yourselves. I caps communication because it is thee most important thing in a relationship. The affair didn't help your marriage you will find out in the future how unfair this is to your husband. How he is now & will be continually on edge and not have nearly as much trust into you as he once had. He just hasn't communicated it yet to you.

 

Go ahead and ask him tonight, if he trusts you as much now as he did before the affair. See what he says. What you did was extremly selfish and you didn't do it for the good of your marriage. You like you said did it for yourself.

 

So when your husband is feeling down and his ego needs stroking I'm sure it's ok for him to screw another woman?

 

What happens when things start to break down again? Gonna sleep with another man? Ever thought about going to a counselor before getting into someone else's pants?

 

I just don't understand the mentality of some of the people on here. *sigh*

[AJS]

So when your husband is feeling down and his ego needs stroking I'm sure it's ok for him to screw another woman?

 

What happens when things start to break down again? Gonna sleep with another man? Ever thought about going to a counselor before getting into someone else's pants?

 

 

 

 

First of all, I did everything in my power to get my H off his sorry butt and try to work on our marriage, I DID NOT go after somebody else to stroke my ego. Now, don't you think I tried to get him to go to a counselor with me? Do you really think I didn't think of that? Idiot! of course I did! When I said tried everything, that's exactly what I meant.

 

This fool really thought no matter what, I would put up with it. He had turned into a pig bastard, and no I don't regret what I did and to be honest with you, I never will! Does he trust me now? YES, because he took his blame like a REAL MAN would. Like I said before, the world isn't in "black and white", we are all human and we LEARN from our mistakes, I don't plan on repeating my actions. Next time I walk. I will agree with you on one thing though, HIS COMMUNICATION skills are much better, there was never anything wrong with mine. Now all is well and we are closer than ever!

 

 

ignorance at it's finest--http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=660616#post660616

[EMJ]

This whole judgemental and moralistic tone from jmargel is not helpful.

"I just don't understand the mentality of some of the people on here. *sigh*"

 

That's for sure. It's obvious from the tone of your posting.

 

How about living in the REAL world where things are complicated, messy, and where one size DOES NOT fit all?

 

I agree with AJS, after you have done everything in your power to improve the situation and the other person has not moved an INCH, it is time to take some drastic action. People in that situation are generally NOT open to counseling because they will tell you that they and the relationship are fine, it's YOU who has the problem. I have lived this scenario.

 

Being in a relationship where someone ignores you, isn't willing to put any effort into making things better and generally takes you for granted makes one look elsewehere for appreciation. That's just being human.

 

Communication or lack of it is not always the problem. You can get some pretty nasty "communication" from someone who is Supposed to be on your side, Supposed to be your partner, Supposed to be your support, but isn't.

 

I'm not recommending having affair, but these things happen when we are not getting what we need from the people who said they would "love, honor, cherish, and respect" us and they have not done so, for a long time.

 

People make mistakes. These postings are for HELPING, not for insulting or hurting.

[AJS]

So, did the "abusive relationship" your XMOW was in make her pants fall off, or was it just your good friendly advice? I guess you think you are better than others because you aren't M? BUT being part of an A with MW was ok? You took part in an A, but you are passing judgement? I'm sorry, but you are nothing but a hypocrite.

[EMJ]

What's the deal with you putting links at the end of all your posts?

 

Is it that your personal knowledge on Infidelity & Affairs is too vast to just type a brief reply LIKE ANY NORMAL PERSON?

 

Is it hard being so superior to people in pain? Are you Dr. jmargel?

 

How MANY of these expericences have you actually lived? How Many?

Once does not make you an expert on anything.

 

Maybe if you develop a little compassion you just might -

Learn to understand the mentality some of the of some of these people here*sigh* .

 

Have a heart. People crying out for help don't need to be slapped in the face by you.

[AJS]

EMJ, this guy is sooooo ignorant! Just check out this post, it explains alot. He is obviously a woman hater. This is the link he should have posted! What a moron.....

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=660616#post660616

 

:laugh:

[EMJ]

Kind of explains why he IS NOT married.

 

If he thinks a relationship is like trading in or buying a car, then he must truly be crazy. Or extremely naive and inexperienced in love relationships.

 

A partner is NOT an object to be traded in after 60K miles. You don't choose a partner by looking under the hood and kicking the tires. You can't really know anything about anyone until you spend a tremendous amount of time with them. A relationship is a delicate sitiatuation that needs to be tended to constantly to stay alive. More like a garden. But even that is too simplistic. There's no comparsion.

 

Dude, people are not things or objects, ever! How can you even think that way? Didn't they teach that in "know it all school"??

[Mz. Pixie]

Actually, Jmargel is married. He is also a valued contributor to these forums who has given plenty of good advice to people.

 

Just because he doesn't agree with your behavior, it doesn't mean he's looking down his nose at you.

 

As someone who has cheated in a marriage before, I can see where you're coming from. However, others who have never been there may not, you have to take that into consideration.

 

Many people on these forums are the betrayed spouse or have been cheated on in relationships. It's a trigger for them for people to come on here and defend their actions. Also, not every situation is like yours. There are people who are betrayed who never did ANYTHING to their partner but try to meet their needs and they were still cheated on.

 

How you feel about the situation comes from which side of the fence you're on.

[cranium]

Being in a relationship where someone ignores you, isn't willing to put any effort into making things better and generally takes you for granted makes one look elsewehere for appreciation. That's just being human.

 

Communication or lack of it is not always the problem. You can get some pretty nasty "communication" from someone who is Supposed to be on your side, Supposed to be your partner, Supposed to be your support, but isn't.

 

I'm not recommending having affair, but these things happen when we are not getting what we need from the people who said they would "love, honor, cherish, and respect" us and they have not done so, for a long time.

 

 

I could have written almost the exact same thing, but I am the BS. I grew tired of the defensive communication coming my way whenever I attempted to make things better b/c I felt ignored, not cherished and taken for granted. So, I quit talking.

 

Well, then she felt not cherished and had an A. Do I take responsibility for my contributions to the condition of our marriage prior to her affair? Yes, I do. Do I take blame for her A? No way, it was her choice alone to cross that line. And, it was a very selfish act. Now, both of OUR communication skills have improved.

 

Mz P. is right, it does depend which side of the fence you're on. Also, lay off jmargel.

[AJS]

First of all, I was posting to the original poster NOT jmargel. He chose to attack me and judge me which is wrong, especially because he has been the OM before. If you don't like it, too damn bad! I WILL defend myself when attacked unprovoked. He should keep his judgmental opinions to himself. As for the rest of you, WHERE have you read any good advice this guy gives? I have read some of his posts, and he's a know it all! Who NEEDS that? JMO

[StrivingtoSucceed]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can completely understand where you are coming from. I read a book that brought to light several things for me that you might want to consider, His Needs/Her Needs. One of the things I got out of the book, which I think is what you are looking for is that a person doesn't necessarily have an affair because he doesn't love his spouse. They generally have an affair because one, or more of their basic needs aren't being met. Another book that Lady Jane recommended to me I still have yet to purchase and read, is the Five Languages of Love (I believe that is what it is called ... I can't find my note). I still struggle daily with the betrayed feelings I have from my H's EA he had with a previous co-worker, but I look at the little things he does everyday to show me that he cares and that he loves me and that he is trying very hard to make me feel secure again. Good luck.

[travellingman]

Kind of explains why he IS NOT married.

 

If he thinks a relationship is like trading in or buying a car, then he must truly be crazy. Or extremely naive and inexperienced in love relationships.

 

Really would hate to see what this guy might do around a tail pipe.