Guy wants a second date but doesn't seem that interested?

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I didn’t want to go overboard and appear too keen.

I wonder if that had anything to do with why he went quiet; was he trying to see whether I initiate more than I had been doing from my end, to see if I am genuinely interested in him beyond a “you too”?

Yes, you well have given him the impression that you weren't matching his level of excitement.   If he felt this way, it was a very good reason for him to move on.

[FredEire]

50 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

Thank you for your further thoughts and inputs, I really appreciate it. I unmatched the guy from the site and blocked his number too; with radio silence eating into 4 days from someone who had told me how keen he was to see me again, it felt like the most reasonable thing to do.

I can’t help but have a little doubt in my mind though as to, during the entire association I have had with this man from the moment he first approached me on the dating site, most of the contact had been initiated by him.

He was always the one to text me, to demonstrate enthusiasm, even to express excitement about having met me after our date, whereas I was simply the ‘responder’ saying a lot of “you too!”’s. I was equally excited back about him but it was more in response to him expressing his towards me that I expressed mine towards him. I didn’t want to go overboard and appear too keen.

I wonder if that had anything to do with why he went quiet; was he trying to see whether I initiate more than I had been doing from my end, to see if I am genuinely interested in him beyond a “you too”?

As mentioned, I did initiate the chat the day after the date ( he had initiated the chat after the date itself that evening). My way of initiating was just a “morning, hope you slept well!”. And then he followed this with questions about how I am, when I’d like to meet again, etc.

I am hoping that the demise of this dating opportunity wasn’t just a misunderstanding on his part about my level of interest?! If it were the case, I’d feel terrible, having now unmatched the guy and blocked his number!! It really was lovely to have met this person and I do hope he genuinely did lose interest, which would justify my blocking him and not seeing him for the second date rather than it being something I did inadvertently from my end.  

It is worth mentioning that the guy didn’t lose his phone; during the silent time lapse he did keep watching my story updates on WhatsApp. So he definitely had full enough access to his phone to also text me during that gap, which he chose not to do.

To be honest from what you describe, yes.

Most men are no strangers to something starting well and tailing off. If I was receiving "you too"s and not very much effort on the part of the woman to initiate conversations I'd probably leave it be too.

You don't have to worry so much about being aloof so as not to come on too strong. Obviously don't flood him every day with "good morning baby " after one date, but if he's into you he'll like and appreciate a bit more initiation and it will ease any doubts on his end too.

Edited May 31, 2024 by FredEire

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I am hoping that the demise of this dating opportunity wasn’t just a misunderstanding on his part about

 

I think you were fine! You're just disappointed and it's making you doubt yourself.  You said you had a great date and he was enthusiastic. He would not have been this excited if you had acted like a cold fish.

Move quickly to next.

[babybrowns]

Thank you for this. In fairness I do think that this man was after something casual; aside from the hot and cold communication, he put very little effort into our dates.

We live 2 hours’ drive away from each other and for the first meeting he tried to make me come to his town despite me saying it’s a bit far. NB to older members of LS- you’ll recall that I used to make the mistake of travelling to the guy’s neighbourhood for early dates, not caring too much for my own convenience. That’s not something I do anymore!

For this first date I found a coffee shop that’s more halfway between us, saying we could go for coffee there and his response was “I love coffee! Yay a nice, casual date.” Coffee first dates are something I am in favour of since naturally you’re yet to meet the person to gage compatibility and connection etc.

For our next date which as mentioned we spoke about the day after the first date, he suggested that we could go for a drink. I accepted the idea, but in truth this suggestion did disappoint me a little since I was hoping he’d suggest brunch or lunch or something. He wanted low-effort dating, which I would not be willing to entertain.

The quest for a more compatible man goes on  
 

Edited June 1, 2024 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

We live 2 hours’

Why even respond to messages from men living 2 hours away?

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you for this. In fairness I do think that this man was after something casual; aside from the hot and cold communication, he put very little effort into our dates.

We live 2 hours’ drive away from each other and for the first meeting he tried to make me come to his town despite me saying it’s a bit far. NB to older members of LS- you’ll recall that I used to make the mistake of travelling to the guy’s neighbourhood for early dates, not caring too much for my own convenience. That’s not something I do anymore!

For this first date I found a coffee shop that’s more halfway between us, saying we could go for coffee there and his response was “I love coffee! Yay a nice, casual date.” Coffee first dates are something I am in favour of since naturally you’re yet to meet the person to gage compatibility and connection etc.

For our next date which as mentioned we spoke about the day after the first date, he suggested that we could go for a drink. I accepted the idea, but in truth this suggestion did disappoint me a little since I was hoping he’d suggest brunch or lunch or something. He wanted low-effort dating, which I would not be willing to entertain.

The quest for a more compatible man goes on  
 

It strikes me that you're overthinking this a lot. I don't think the choice of venue necessarily says that much about his interest and intentions. You can't expect him to read your mind that you preferred a brunch rather than going for a drink.

Maybe in the future try and put yourself a bit more in his shoes, try to work out what might be going on for him and give a bit of leeway for things to develop.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

For our next date which as mentioned we spoke about the day after the first date, he suggested that we could go for a drink. I accepted the idea, but in truth this suggestion did disappoint me a little since I was hoping he’d suggest brunch or lunch or something. He wanted low-effort dating, which I would not be willing to entertain.

This is exactly how my relationship started with my partner, and we are getting married this summer. Coffee, drink, movie, then dinner at a fun board game cafe. That was the night that I knew I was really interested. After that dinner date, he planned a day trip and we spent the whole day together. 

You may be surprised, but we didn’t text between the first few dates except to plan the next date. A week would go by, and I didn’t hear from him. But, we had plans to meet again so I didn’t overthink it. He followed through as he said he would, the dates seemed to be progressing… it was all good.

It’s not low-effort dating - it’s early stages of a relationship. You don’t need to text/call every day or go on fancy dates in the early stages of dating… there just needs to be something that interests you enough to see him again. That said, contact should start to increase as the dates progress and you make the decision to explore a relationship. 

The fact that he lives two hours away would not interest me. It’s so much more difficult to build a relationship when you don’t live within a reasonable distance. 

Edited June 1, 2024 by BaileyB

[introverted1]

I have never understood the need to block someone who is ignoring you.  I thought the point of blocking was to escape unwanted contact, not to prevent contact that wasn't going to happen anyway.

In any case, BB, I think you spend way too much mental energy on trying to assess what prospective dates are thinking and, worse still, you then lock them into an immutable position! Look, it is online dating:  He's talking to multiple people, you are talking to multiple people. You two matched and he seemed very enthusiastic. Then you set up a first meeting.  At that point, there are myriad possibilities:

• He remains interested, you do not
• You remain interested, he does not
• You both remain interested
• You both become disinterested
• He is unsure, you are not
• You are unsure, he is not

And so on. You seem unable or unwilling to recognize that feelings are fluid and fragile at this point. 

In your case, he reached out with a half-hearted plan for a second date, which suggests waning interest on his part.  Again, there are many possibilities why he never got back to you:

• He thought about the date and concluded that something didn't click for him
• He considered the realities of a 2 hours drive between you
• He met someone else he had a stronger connection with
• He had a terrible week at work
• Etc.

You keep circling back to his behavior before the date as though he is not allowed the change based on the inputs he receives, not just from you, but from other women he is talking to and whatever is happening in his life. And the, when he doesn't behave according to your script, you inevitably go on to vilify him.  In this case, it's that he only wanted something casual and didn't put in any effort.  I get that it makes you feel better to frame things this way but you are really doing yourself no favors by painting men as either knights or villains, particularly when the deciding factor about which category to put them in is based on whether they want to date you!

I wish you could relax a bit and just go on dates to have fun. You seem to want a guarantee that the guy is perfectly aligned with you and demonstrating the "appropriate" (in your mind) amount of enthusiasm before you will even consider a meeting.  This is an insane way to approach things!  Of course there has to be some fundamental common ground, but you seem to think you can lock in someone's thoughts, behaviors, and emotions before the first meeting and life does not work that way. 

On a practical note:  why do you keep pursuing men who live hours away from you?  Sure, true love knows no borders but it is a hell of a lot easier to date someone who lives within a 30-45 minute drive than to continually pursue these guys for whom casual dating is a hurdle. 

[BaileyB]

Could not agree with every. single. word of the above post. It sums up the situation and your approach to dating perfectly. 

[babybrowns]

Thank you so much everyone for your further replies. I do agree that I probably over-think early decisions quite a lot. It is something that I need to work on. It stems from a time that I used to be much too tolerant of poor behaviour as well as a bad experience about 10 years ago where I was dating a man for a year who was not into me in the slightest. I went along with whatever scraps he would throw me and caused myself a lot of suffering.

I do regret cutting off this guy earlier than I probably ought to have. However, there was such a significant change in his communication and enthusiasm before meeting me and from the day after meeting me, which I let pan out for a few days of radio silence until I didn’t want to be involved with that anymore. Even if say he eventually had got in touch with me 5 days after to casually arrange date 2 and I’d agreed to go, the energy for me would have been off with my guard up, and it wouldn’t have been fun for either of us.

Once someone has met you and then drastically reduces their communication, I don’t think it would sit right with most people. It is different if the texting was not much before meeting and continued to be not much after, but to have this drop in it after the first date, when one would expect excitement levels to be high if the date went well, as he expressed it did, was concerning.

In response to those asking why I prefer LDRs, I prefer meeting men who live 1-2 hours drive away from me since with the busy lifestyle I have, I am more suited to LDRs. This worked very well for me in my last long-term relationship where I had a 3-year LDR with a man who even lived a flight away! We saw each other 1-2 weekends a month which worked well for both of us and let us both focus on having a good career at the same time. It made the time together extra special too and we could dedicate an entire weekend to spending quality time together.

In any case, the fact that this man was very happy to pursue me despite knowing the distance between us suggested to me that I didn’t need to fear him being put off by the distance factor. But in the end it unfortunately didn’t work out for a variety of reasons.

Thank you everyone again for your inputs

Edited June 1, 2024 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

With a man who even lived a flight away! We saw each other 1-2 weekends a month which worked well

That's not a boyfriend. You don't really want a relationship so why are you so fussy. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Once someone has met you and then drastically reduces their communication, I don’t think it would sit right with most people. It is different if the texting was not much before meeting and continued to be not much after, but to have this drop in it after the first date, when one would expect excitement levels to be high if the date went well, as he expressed it did, was concerning.

In response to those asking why I prefer LDRs, I prefer meeting men who live 1-2 hours drive away from me since with the busy lifestyle I have, I am more suited to LDRs. This worked very well for me in my last long-term relationship where I had a 3-year LDR with a man who even lived a flight away! We saw each other 1-2 weekends a month which worked well for both of us and let us both focus on having a good career at the same time. It made the time together extra special too and we could dedicate an entire weekend to spending quality time together.

He may also wonder why you reduced communication after your first date.  Why did you if you guys were constantly texting?

Just so you know most men will date LD but are reluctant to get in a relationship LD unless really, really interested.  Men like sex and being long distance makes it hard to have regular sex.

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you so much everyone for your further replies. I do agree that I probably over-think early decisions quite a lot. It is something that I need to work on. It stems from a time that I used to be much too tolerant of poor behaviour as well as a bad experience about 10 years ago where I was dating a man for a year who was not into me in the slightest. I went along with whatever scraps he would throw me and caused myself a lot of suffering.

I do regret cutting off this guy earlier than I probably ought to have. However, there was such a significant change in his communication and enthusiasm before meeting me and from the day after meeting me, which I let pan out for a few days of radio silence until I didn’t want to be involved with that anymore. Even if say he eventually had got in touch with me 5 days after to casually arrange date 2 and I’d agreed to go, the energy for me would have been off with my guard up, and it wouldn’t have been fun for either of us.

Once someone has met you and then drastically reduces their communication, I don’t think it would sit right with most people. It is different if the texting was not much before meeting and continued to be not much after, but to have this drop in it after the first date, when one would expect excitement levels to be high if the date went well, as he expressed it did, was concerning.

In response to those asking why I prefer LDRs, I prefer meeting men who live 1-2 hours drive away from me since with the busy lifestyle I have, I am more suited to LDRs. This worked very well for me in my last long-term relationship where I had a 3-year LDR with a man who even lived a flight away! We saw each other 1-2 weekends a month which worked well for both of us and let us both focus on having a good career at the same time. It made the time together extra special too and we could dedicate an entire weekend to spending quality time together.

In any case, the fact that this man was very happy to pursue me despite knowing the distance between us suggested to me that I didn’t need to fear him being put off by the distance factor. But in the end it unfortunately didn’t work out for a variety of reasons.

Thank you everyone again for your inputs

I think if there's any lessons it's firstly try to be more open, message the guy as much as you want within reason and don't play silly "hard to get" games to test his reaction. He will not realise this and just think "Ah I've seen this before, she's not interested. Oh well might as well just leave it". Match their energy basically, if the two of you want to text all day go for it.

Also mind-reading, I think it's extremely important to pay attention to thoughts like "I'm really disappointed you didn't do X because that would have shown me Y and Z". In all honesty the guy probably hasn't a proverbial about any of these scenarios playing out in your head and what these "signs" apparently mean about his interest level. All he's going to perceive is your disappointment and probably become disheartened, frustrated and less interested himself, making it a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[NuevoYorko]

Your contributions to the chats of "you too" or "morning, hope you slept well" not only seem quite meh on the interest scale, they are ...boring.   

In the future, if you feel interested in a guy you meet. I suggest you take a few risks and let him know that you actually are interested.   Also don't just take for granted that because you are an attractive woman, that's all you really need to offer.   There are many very attractive women who are also very engaging and not afraid to let a man know that they are interested in him, especially when he's really gone out on a limb expressing his interest for them.

One more thing:  Someone else already posted that many men are not going to put a lot of effort into dating a person who lives fairly (or very) far away.   It's not just that "men like sex."  Also, if they have a "busy lifestyle" like you do which is full enough to keep their dating activities relegated to women who live at a distance, they are likely to be uninterested in anything very serious.   People who want to build a serious relationship generally are in a place where they want to share a lot of their lives with another person.  

[basil67]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

In response to those asking why I prefer LDRs, I prefer meeting men who live 1-2 hours drive away from me since with the busy lifestyle I have, I am more suited to LDRs. This worked very well for me in my last long-term relationship where I had a 3-year LDR with a man who even lived a flight away! We saw each other 1-2 weekends a month which worked well for both of us and let us both focus on having a good career at the same time. It made the time together extra special too and we could dedicate an entire weekend to spending quality time together.

 I imagine this could work for the kind of people who aren't wanting to be exclusive.   But what's the end goal here?   Are you seeking to be pretty much single but have a romantic friend that you see occasionally?  Or do you want it to result in a proper relationship where you marry/cohabit...possibly have a family?

 

[introverted1]

14 hours ago, babybrowns said:

In response to those asking why I prefer LDRs, I prefer meeting men who live 1-2 hours drive away from me since with the busy lifestyle I have, I am more suited to LDRs.

Do you make this clear in your profile?  You have been very critical in the past of men who say they want a serious relationship only to find out later that they don't.  In much the same way, I can imagine that many men will not think you are not being straightforward about your dating intentions if you have not made it clear that you are deliberately seeking situations which are simultaneously both exclusive/committed and casual/infrequent. 

It's one thing when an established relationship evolves into a LDR due to work or other commitments, but most couples in an LDR have a plan to bridge the distance. What you are proposing -- to somehow both initiate and grow a relationship with limited contact -- seems quite difficult. I am hard-pressed to know where you are going to find a man who wants to commit himself to a woman who is content with seeing him once a month.  It's just another block you are putting up.  Are you sure you actually want to be in a relationship?  

[BaileyB]

On 6/1/2024 at 4:34 AM, babybrowns said:

He wanted low-effort dating, which I would not be willing to entertain.

 

15 hours ago, babybrowns said:

In response to those asking why I prefer LDRs, I prefer meeting men who live 1-2 hours drive away from me since with the busy lifestyle I have, I am more suited to LDRs.

In other words, you are searching for a low effort relationship. 

[FredEire]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

 

In other words, you are searching for a low effort relationship. 

Indeed, it seems OP is not being very realistic, possibly stuck in a self-defeating cycle.

Say you want something serious but only want someone who lives far away and can't see you very much. When you find this doubts creep in that he just wants casual sex because of X Y and Z "signs".

It may be worth questioning if maybe you actually do want a FWB, and if not why not? Either you have to commit to searching for a proper relationship with someone who lives near to you, or commit to looking for a casual one with a guy who can't see you often. If you get stuck in the middle ground you want something unrealistic and unreasonable and will always be lead to disappointment.

[ExpatInItaly]

You seem to look for reasons to reject men before they can reject you. 

[stillafool]

On 6/1/2024 at 4:48 PM, babybrowns said:

In response to those asking why I prefer LDRs, I prefer meeting men who live 1-2 hours drive away from me since with the busy lifestyle I have, I am more suited to LDRs. This worked very well for me in my last long-term relationship where I had a 3-year LDR with a man who even lived a flight away! We saw each other 1-2 weekends a month which worked well for both of us and let us both focus on having a good career at the same time. It made the time together extra special too and we could dedicate an entire weekend to spending quality time together.

Maybe this is why guys aren't as gung-ho for you as you want.  It's easier to look at a LDR as possibly being more casual because with distance it's a taken you won't be seeing each other very often.  Sure they will travel for sex a few times but it's easy to meet someone else closer by therefore moving on from the long distance set up.

[Gebidozo]

On 6/2/2024 at 4:48 AM, babybrowns said:

In response to those asking why I prefer LDRs, I prefer meeting men who live 1-2 hours drive away from me since with the busy lifestyle I have, I am more suited to LDRs.

While it is theoretically possible to want a serious relationship and to prefer it to be a LDR at the same time, most men who want a serious relationship themselves would find this strange and off-putting. They’d think that you want a LDR precisely because you do not want a serious relationship. Why would anyone prefer a relationship where you see your partner so rarely?

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Why would anyone prefer a relationship where you see your partner so rarely?

She enjoys a lot of texting in relationships, that is very evident. In addition to the high effort dates that she would like her partner to plan, she enjoys lots of texting between dates.

[Gebidozo]

40 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

She enjoys a lot of texting in relationships, that is very evident. In addition to the high effort dates that she would like her partner to plan, she enjoys lots of texting between dates.

I love texting between dates, but you can do that without being in a LDR. 

To me personally, LDR is either something you have to endure under compelling circumstances if you really love each other (but then you would definitely not prefer it), or it’s a convenient arrangement for a casual relationship where deep feelings are absent.

[BaileyB]

^^* I don’t disagree.

I would add, it’s a convenient way to date/be in a relationship without having to risk much or make yourself vulnerable.

It’s also a pretty convenient/comfortable way to date - much less effort expended by texting than actually developing the relationship in person. - which fits with your theory that people are not very invested/it’s a casual relationship. 

People who chose to find a LDR, as opposed to someone who is in a relationship that is forced to become long distance due to circumstance, usually choose this kind of a relationship for some purpose… because the vast majority of people do not chose to date or build a relationship this way. 

Edited June 3, 2024 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

On 6/1/2024 at 4:48 PM, babybrowns said:

let us both focus on having a good career at the same time

This can be achieved with dating someone locally. You just need to meet someone career driven like yourself. I am sure it's easy to find in your age range. I think it's just an excuse though, I can't think of a career that demands 3 weekends out of 4 unless you're a flight attendant. I think you would have mentioned that to us by now.