Michele17 Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 I’ve been married for 16 years and we have a set of twins that are 14 years old. My husband has 2 older children from his first marriage. I have an older child from a previous relationship. I had an affair that has been on/off for the past 12 years. My husband had an affair about 7 years ago. We went through a rough patch but managed to stop seeing these people and focus on our marriage. We were successful in that until earlier this year. There was an event that my husband would be attending with me this past April and we both knew that the man I’ve had an affair with would also be attending. I haven’t cheated on my husband since we got back together several years ago. This other man we can call Tim is someone from my past. I’ve known Tim for about 25 years. My husband was fearful that I might cheat on him again after Tim and I were going to be around each other during this event. He was correct in his thinking and I did cheat on him again in April. What I didn’t know at the time is that he started a new relationship with someone in the months leading up to the April event. I recently found out that he did cheat on me first. I was initially scared that all our hard work to repair our marriage years ago was destroyed. My husband immediately told me that it was just sex and that he wanted to stay together. I confessed at that time to being with Tim. We both love each other, and we are truly happy together but I also deeply care for Tim. I told my husband that I wanted to stay married and be together but ultimately I was tired of hurting him, but clearly I want to be with Tim occasionally. We are trying to figure out what to do next. My husband says he doesn’t want to be with anybody else right now. He knows that for the first time I feel relieved about things and that I want to be with Tim occasionally. I guess I should point out that Tim lives in another state so this is not something that happens but maybe a couple of times a year. He sees the woman he cheated on me with at work routinely. I’m not jealous about this, I just don’t want to hurt my husband anymore, ever again. Looking for advice??? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 My advice is to get a divorce, be single for a while, and focus on your children. You do not love your husband, please stop deluding yourself. He doesn’t truly love you either. You both cheated and were unable to repent and change. You have feelings for Tim, which would have been impossible if you still loved your husband. Your marriage is doomed and it will spiral into something really harmful if you continue like this. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 (edited) 5 hours ago, Michele17 said: Looking for advice??? Given your history, I think you either both agree to open the marriage or you file for divorce. If you choose to continue with these other relationships, do so with the full knowledge and blessing of you spouse or end this marriage. To each their own but if it was me, I would file for divorce. I’m not interested in any way in an open marriage. I’m not sure why you would want to put the time and effort into healing this only to continue to damage the relationship by cheating. My primary concern would actually be for the children. This is messy, messy, messy and you have two teenage children in your home. Children are very observant - they usually know what’s happening in their home. I would be very concerned about what they are learning about relationships and marriage if the cheating continues… because they will take these experiences forward with them into their own relationships - whether for the good, or the bad. Edited May 28 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 8 hours ago, Michele17 said: Looking for advice??? It seems like (newly) ethical polyamory would be a potential way to remain married, IF that can be worked through. There's a book you might look at "The Ethical Slut" which despite the title is fairly well respected among polyamory circles. Keep in mind that despite how some folks strongly promote polyamory, it tends to be fraught with risk and particularly if "emotional connection" is involved. That said it's also true that remaining in a relationship is a choice and there are people who will continue to make that choice "through thick and thin." It sounds like you might be a couple like that. Link to post Share on other sites
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