Wobblytoothbrush Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I have tried finding articles on this online but never seem to find anything that matches- I have been living with my boyfriend for about a year and I know he loves me and I love him completely but his hidden magasines really bother me. They arent exactly pornographic but they are all full of pictures of scantily clad woman. Now I dont think Im unreasonable- I realise masterbating is natural and he can do that all he wants, I finding other women attractive is a fact of life (I find other men attractive) but I find the idea of him PAYING money to buy magasines to whack off to absolutely heart breaking. Finding these magasines is ruining all self confidence that I have and I have told him this over and over. It worse that he hides them and then tells me he doesnt buy them. I probably wouldnt be so bothered by them if he left them out in the open , as I said they arent graphic- but the fact that he insists on hiding them under and within his clothes shows that HE considers them dirty and feels the need to keep them hidden. I dont mind him masterbating, I dont mind him being attracted to other women, I do mind him spending money to indulge his mental cheating. I do mind having to find these hidden magasines as it probably means that he knows that they will upset me and yet he still buys them. What can I do? Ive spoken to him about how they upset me but then he gets them anyway. I get headaches over this and know I over stress it but it bothers me so very much and makes me really feel like worthless crap.
confusedgeek Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 So would you feel better if he was surfing porn on the computer rather than using magazines? it's cheaper and usually free. Ever consider relieving him of his right hand duties rather than being upset about it, every time he gets the urge? These urges depending on the person (at least from what ive read) varies from person to person. Some people dont get the urge and some people do a lot. And i mean, a lot. I would have a lot of trouble trying to asking my special someone (if I had a special someone) to do it everyday. Not only is it interrupting their time but they might not want to do it. Then there are other reason likes not being able to satisify your mate. Or I might not be good in the sack. Or I might be mr. minute man. Or I get tired too easily. or I dont want to accidently have children. So, what are my options if I have this urge that isnt satisified without being a let down to the other person. Let's say my imaginary girlfriend didnt want to do it because of feeling tired, not in the mood, whatever reason. I could: - use the hand - could ask my imaginary girlfriend to do it knowing ill get rejected. Either way, its a lose lose situation for the guy for not getting what he wants.
JadeStar Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 "I get headaches over this" You might want to move out then and find someone that shares you views on the whole mag situation. This is really not as bad as it seems. I understand you're upset and frustrated, and you have told him how this makes you feel. So what if he doesn't leave them out in the open for you to see. You know he has them. He knows you know he has them, and if you really do not have a problem with what hes looking at, then it seems you may be over reacting a bit. He probably hides them because he feels that it is his right or privacy for his "me" time. Or perhaps he feels he is being treated by his mother, being scolded for what he has and where he puts them. You don't like him buying them and spending money on them. Would it be better if he viewed free porn on the internet then?
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 1. It has nothing to do with you, how you look, how desirable you are, or anything else to do with you. 2. Are you so poor that the purchase of these things is breaking you? Do you smoke? Drink? Get a couple of lattes a week or go to fast food several times a week? If you do ZERO outside spending except for clothes, food, and medicine then maybe you have a legitimate gripe but I doubt it. If he has so few magazines that they can be hidden, then I doubt he's spending thousands on them. 3. Once you understand my first point, you won't try so hard to make money the reason for not wanting him to look at other women. The truth is that you do think it's 'cheating' (it's not) and that's why you're mad. Has nothing to do with the money.
Author Wobblytoothbrush Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 Im not entirely sure what you meant by all that- would you be able to rephrase it? (Sorry) Im not a big fan of any type of pornography- but I probably would be happier knowing that he didnt feel the need to pay to find something he liked to look at- Im not unattractive, im around, and Im always willing to give a hand if that were the case. As I said, I dont mind him masterbating, whatever, he can do it all he wants, its not that we dont have sex. We actually have good sex. Its really the fact that he hides these magazines- that means he knows they will probably upset me and yet him still having them means he really isnt that bothered. I mentioned in the last string, he can find women attractive, that doesnt bother me, but him hiding this somehow makes it more hurtful.
JadeStar Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 So if he came home, plopped down a few mags on the bed (didn't hide them) that would make you feel better because they were not hidden? So what if he did this, because you said yourself it wasn't really what he was looking at, you know he masterbates, you know he looks at other women etc, so if he did this, and they were out in the open, what if you still felt the way you do now? Then what? You say its because he hides them. Jade
Author Wobblytoothbrush Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 Yes- I think a big factor here is probably my view on it all being mental cheating- All the men in my life (father, brother, uncle etc) havent had magasines around when they have been in relationships. Theyve always seemed perfectly content with the person they were with. I find it hard to believe that these images are a necessity in life. Surely, since it bothers me, he could live without them and not wrap them up in his clothes. I used to watch porn, but since Ive been with him, my interest in other men is pretty much all gone, I guess what it really comes down to is that I believe his interest in women should also have subdued.
Author Wobblytoothbrush Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 Jade- Yes, I would be happier if he did that. Hiding shows he knows they upset me. Having them despite this shows he is more concerned with having them then my feelings. If they were out in the open, atleast I would know that he finds nothing wrong with having them.
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I mentioned in the last string, he can find women attractive, that doesnt bother me You're not telling the truth because you said twice I do mind him spending money to indulge his mental cheating It's NOT 'mental cheating'. All the men in my life (father, brother, uncle etc) havent had magasines around when they have been in relationships. Theyve always seemed perfectly content with the person they were with. You are so naive!! Just because you didn't see the magazines doesn't mean they didn't have them. I promise you they did and do. Having them despite this shows he is more concerned with having them then my feelings. No, it means he doesn't have the faintest clue why you should care about them because he knows he still loves and desires you and he doesn't know why you can't respect his feelings. If they were out in the open, atleast I would know that he finds nothing wrong with having them. He already thinks there's nothing wrong with having them. He knows that it gets on your nerves even though it shouldn't so he tries to hide them so YOU won't be bothered. He just needs to do a better job of it.
Author Wobblytoothbrush Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 I am not naive. I know this. we are a very open family and they are all very confortable talking about all aspects of sex.
confusedgeek Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I would hate if someone tried to control how I thought. Is it not enough, he is with you? Since he is dating you, he has some kind of legal binding contract with you. Moreover, these magazines arent even full blown porn. They are women with clothes on. Does he have to think about you every minute of the day in order for you to be happy?
Yamaha Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 3. Once you understand my first point, you won't try so hard to make money the reason for not wanting him to look at other women. The truth is that you do think it's 'cheating' (it's not) and that's why you're mad. Has nothing to do with the money. Totally agree. Read this over until you realize it is not the money he spends. He is degrading you and your relationship by bringing these magazines into your home. He needs to see how it hurts and upsets you. If he doesn't then he's a pig and you need to let him pursue his fantasies without you.
Author Wobblytoothbrush Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 He doesnt have to think about me all the time and Im not trying to change the way he thinks- I forgot to mention this before, he doesnt approve of me having images of half naked men (not that I had any) because he thinks that having that sort of thing means that I am not attracted to him.
JadeStar Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I understand you're frustrated, however, I see it several ways here. Either accept this, especailly if everything else in your relationship seems to be going ok. Or don't accept it, continue to let this eat you alive, or get out of the situation. Theres nothing wrong with people having different opions on porn dirty mags etc. You don't care for it. He does. Do you feel there can be some kind of compromise here? Or do you feel its just not a workable situation? Chances are he will probably keep doing this. He already is, he knows you know, yet he still hides it. If he doesn't hide it, and lets you know he has them, it will still bother you because of what he is looking at. Maybe you need to weigh your options here, and see what it is you are willing to putup/live with. If its its none of these, then you need to find someone that shares your view on porn/dirty mags etc. Jade
Author Wobblytoothbrush Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 Okay, ultimately (and let me tell you, I feel alot better after all of this) from a mans stand point (as a woman I cant understand this) why, if he goes to all the effort of hiding this stuff, cant he just NOT get it? Wouldnt it just be easier on everyone if he just didnt buy it? Its not a life or death situation to not have it..
Yamaha Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 he doesn't approve of me having images of half naked men (not that I had any) because he thinks that having that sort of thing means that I am not attracted to him. Then can't he see that by him looking at these women you feel like he prefers them to you. Not rocket science here. He just makes it worse by hiding them because you feel betrayed when you do discover them. Are you against porn altogether or just that he is hiding his from you?
bluechocolate Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Your feelings of self-worth have nothing to do with his magazines. Nothing at all. Zilch. Zero. Nada. I dont mind him being attracted to other women, I do mind him spending money to indulge his mental cheating. That statement is so wrong on so many levels that I can't even begin to dissect it. I forgot to mention this before, he doesn't approve of me having images of half naked men (not that I had any) because he thinks that having that sort of thing means that I am not attracted to him. I suspect you're just trying to throw a wobbly in to bolster your position. But if not then he's a hypocrite and that's an entirely different thing - double standards have no place in an adult relationship. If this is such an issue for you then the only thing I can say is - set him free. You cannot, will not & shouldn't even try to change him. Find someone who shares the same opinions as you regarding porn.
confusedgeek Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I think ive already stated my views on this. Getting a magazine is an easy way to get off. Here is a list why they shouldn't be easily seen: 1) its not socially-environmentally acceptable to have these magazines out. 2) it might hurt the other person's feelings 3) little kids who come to visit the house arent suppose to see those things 4) co-workers visit to find your a horny bastard 5) family members visitors think your a horny bastard Being a guy myself, these magazines are here to please myself. - I'm not doing anything physically to anyone. - I'm not going out to a strip joint to get a lap dance. - I'm not going out to get a hooker to satisify my needs. Would it be easier if he didn't get them? Sure, it would make less hell for everyone, except me. If I had a girlfriend who I could ask constantly, I'd be asking her to do it all the time. But since i don't, im screwed. So i resort to the magazine. There are other reasons why I can't always ask the imaginary girlfriend - she might be tired - she doesnt want to - getting accidently pregnant is a huge long term problem - its that time of the month - whatever
lonelyhousewife Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Ever consider relieving him of his right hand duties rather than being upset about it, every time he gets the urge? I would have a lot of trouble trying to asking my special someone (if I had a special someone) to do it everyday. Not only is it interrupting their time but they might not want to do it. This tactic is not as fool proof as one might think. I am always ready willing and able but he'll pass me up to JO and have his fantasy... When asked to share said fantasy: cold shoulder When acting out my fantasy on him: nothing I would love to "service his needs" everyday, even more often, but that just isn't what he wants, I can't be what he wants.
Adunaphel Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 I have no useful advice to offer, I just wanted to say that I hope you can sort this problem out with your boyfriend. Even if many people (quite a lot of women included) disagree with you about those magazines being mental cheating, it does not mean that your way of thinking/feeling is wrong, or that you should try to _force_ yourself into changing the way you feel. I agree with the other posters who said that money spent on magazines is unlikely the real problem, and that you'd probably feel the same way (or worse) if he surfed the net for porn for free. Your boyfriend _does_ have a double standard though. Perhaps you could try to hide some magazines with naked men (or anything that might turn you on and might possibly bother him) - it is *very* childish, but if he is really bothered by you looking at other men it might nonetheless make it easier for him to understand your point of view.
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