Why does he now want to commit after saying he wants to be casual?

[lovelee97]

I started dating this guy around 2 months ago, we met on a dating site and he told me that he just wants something casual. I currently work as a doctor and I'm in the process of developing a startup company, so this was fine with me as I didn't want to commit at this time given how busy I am and just wanted fun and sex with no strings attached. It was fine at first, but recently he has brought up the topic of commitment and has been jealous when I've been dating other guys. To give some background, when we go out, I pay for our dates and buy him gifts because I do make significantly more than him. I drive a nice car and own my own house and I noticed that after my boyfriend starting seeing these things and learning more about my life he wanted to be with me more and stopped hanging out with the other girls he was seeing. Recently I told him that I was going on a trip with another guy I'm seeing and I could tell he was jealous and upset, when I asked him what was wrong he said that he doesn't like the idea of me with other guys because he doesn't want to lose me. I'm just confused because he wanted to be casual and now he's been bringing up the idea of commitment a lot more. He told me that nobody ever treated him like I do and he sees a future with me. I feel like he only wants to commit because I can give him a secure life with my income. Personally I don't think it's fair that he now all of a sudden wants to commit because he doesn't want other guys to benefit from me, but he was totally okay with being with other girls before? It seems like he only wants commitment when it benefits him, lol. I personally have no emotional attachment to him whatsoever and as I said I'm focused on my career and he's really only for fun. Do you think I should end this? 

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, lovelee97 said:

To give some background, when we go out, I pay for our dates and buy him gifts because I do make significantly more than him.

What is there to be confused about?  I wouldn't want to lose you either if you were paying for every date and buying me gifts.  No one wants to let a gift horse go.  Stop paying for everything so you'll have a better idea of who genuinely likes you.  Yes end it because he's going to use you.

Edited May 21, 2024 by stillafool

[basil67]

1 hour ago, lovelee97 said:

I personally have no emotional attachment to him whatsoever and as I said I'm focused on my career and he's really only for fun. 

Tell him this.  Remind him that this was the deal.   If he gets upset, remind him again

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you sure you have no emotional attachment to him? 

Buying him gifts, paying for all your dates and the very existence of this thread suggests that you do. Perhaps you don't want to admit this to yourself, but you sound a lot more invested than you claim. 

Stop paying for everything and then you will know if you have a guy with a genuine interest. 

[Ami1uwant]

I view this like this….

 

first is you are just having those first few dates. You are usually multi dating 

then you decide on exclusivity

but at this point it’s not very serious. It might go 2-4 months getting to know each other before anything serious is talked about or you get past the new car smell and see them not on their best behavior.

 

 

 

[FredEire]

It happens sometimes with FWB, he developed serious feelings and you didn't. So maybe time to move on for his sake and yours.

[Sony12]

Yes stop paying for all the dates and buying him gifts. He's practically a gigolo at this point. It makes complete sense why he'd like to potentially keep that going. He probably thinks if he gets in a relationship with you you will let him live rent free at your place and all he would have to do is take his clothes off when you want him to.

Do you enjoy being in control or are you indeed just doing this because you make more money then him?

 

 

[Sony12]

If you continue to treat these men this way this guy isn't going to be the only one you have this problem with. Pretty much every guy will act this way. 

Maybe you are a bit of a dominatrix and enjoy treating men this way but if not I suggest you start hard more traditional set ups regardless of you make more money than them. Continue to have all the fun and sex that you want but don't treat them like a male prostitute.

Edited May 22, 2024 by Sony12

[Sony12]

Having more traditional dating set ups I meant (site wouldn't let me edit anymore).

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, lovelee97 said:

recently he has brought up the topic of commitment. To give some background, when we go out, I pay for our dates and buy him gifts

You are concerned that the two are related in some way? Why are you doing that, btw?

16 hours ago, lovelee97 said:

Recently I told him that I was going on a trip with another guy I'm seeing and I could tell he was jealous and upset,

Not very many people (man or woman) wouldn’t be jealous or upset about something like this - casual relationship or not.

16 hours ago, lovelee97 said:

I feel like he only wants to commit because I can give him a secure life with my income.

Well then, the answer is pretty simple… stop showering him with money. 

16 hours ago, lovelee97 said:

It seems like he only wants commitment when it benefits him, lol.

Maybe. Or maybe he is developing feelings for you… unfortunately, it’s hard to tell because you are showing the man with money… stop doing that and you will see his true intentions. 

Either you are truly that generous or you are somehow trying to buy a man’s attention - again, why the need to spread your money around on someone with whom you don’t have an emotional attachment and are having casual sex?

Sounds to me like you need to get honest about your own intentions before you expect to understand his…

[Alpacalia]

Why are you 2 months into a relationship and talking about commitment already?

You two shouldn't even be finding out personal things about each other for the most part. You're unsure because you are finding out things about each other so fast that your mind hasn't really digested it all yet.

And yes, if you're paying for everything, providing a nice lifestyle, and he's suddenly saying he wants to commit, when he told you in the beginning he didn't want a commitment, it does seem fishy. Either that or he's trying to take advantage of you, and soon you'll be supporting him because of his "feelings" and he can't get a job because of his "insecurity" and eventually the payback questions will come like "remember when I took the time to talk about our emotions? Now I need you to pay for this or that because xyz."

[Sony12]

A lady giving a guy casual sex is really all she should be doing. Anything more than that and you might as well go find yourself an official hooker where that's part of the deal where you show them money as well.

[lovelee97]

6 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Yes stop paying for all the dates and buying him gifts. He's practically a gigolo at this point. It makes complete sense why he'd like to potentially keep that going. He probably thinks if he gets in a relationship with you you will let him live rent free at your place and all he would have to do is take his clothes off when you want him to.

Do you enjoy being in control or are you indeed just doing this because you make more money then him?

 

 

I do enjoy the control part of it I won't lie. Usually the person who has more money and treats the other person develops a control and they have more say in the arrangement (e.g. I wanna go out to this place or we're doing this today). It also makes the other person attached to you bc they see you as the ideal partner and it's hard for them to let go after being treated that way. So yes I do like the control aspect of it because it boosts my ego. 

[Sony12]

26 minutes ago, lovelee97 said:

I do enjoy the control part of it I won't lie. Usually the person who has more money and treats the other person develops a control and they have more say in the arrangement (e.g. I wanna go out to this place or we're doing this today). It also makes the other person attached to you bc they see you as the ideal partner and it's hard for them to let go after being treated that way. So yes I do like the control aspect of it because it boosts my ego. 

That's fine to have those desires and lots of women do (that is part of the appeal of older women and younger man pairings). However you really shouldn't spend a whole lot of money on these guys if it is strictly a casual set up.

If you do enjoy being in control just invite them over to your place and be dominant in the bedroom if you like to do that. 

Only spend much money on them if you want an actual relationship out of it. All you are doing by spending all this money on men you meet on dating apps is basically making them your gigolo. 

Edited May 22, 2024 by Sony12

[Sony12]

There are probably male prostitute sites out there that cater to women. Won't you look into one of those places instead of traditional dating apps. If you are spending lots of money on casual sex that is a better route than Mr. Joe Bob from the internet.

[smackie9]

Hey whatever floats your boat. If the changes he's asking for isn't your thing then end it. If you want to alter your arrangement then go for it. If things don't work out, you can get rid of him at anytime. 

[lovelee97]

22 hours ago, stillafool said:

What is there to be confused about?  I wouldn't want to lose you either if you were paying for every date and buying me gifts.  No one wants to let a gift horse go.  Stop paying for everything so you'll have a better idea of who genuinely likes you.  Yes end it because he's going to use you.

You're right, and you make a very good point. It's just interesting to see how people will commit only when it's convenient for them. But yes, I will give it a try and stop buying him things and see how long it lasts. 

[Sony12]

36 minutes ago, lovelee97 said:

You're right, and you make a very good point. It's just interesting to see how people will commit only when it's convenient for them. But yes, I will give it a try and stop buying him things and see how long it lasts. 

Wait until you are like 50 when you have yourself a 23 year old boy toy before you start doing what you did with this guy, lol.

Edited May 22, 2024 by Sony12

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, lovelee97 said:

It's just interesting to see how people will commit only when it's convenient for them.

Is that not also what you are doing with him - playing games… You can’t really fault him for doing what any person would do in a similar situation…  people tend to go where the money is in lots of different ways. To a certain extend, he has discovered that it is to his benefit to be in a relationship with yiu (however you want to define it). You are also engaging or “committing” to this relationship to get what you want - you just have a different currency. 
 

9 hours ago, lovelee97 said:

I do enjoy the control part of it I won't lie. Usually the person who has more money and treats the other person develops a control and they have more say in the arrangement. It also makes the other person attached to you bc they see you as the ideal partner and it's hard for them to let go after being treated that way. So yes I do like the control aspect of it because it boosts my ego. 

 

Edited May 23, 2024 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, lovelee97 said:

It's just interesting to see how people will commit only when it's convenient for them

Except, that's not true. People commit all the time because they genuinely like the other person and want to be with them. If you're having trouble finding a man who will commit to you, that's another issue. 

But what you are trying to do here is buy commitment. You can't be too surprised that it works with people of a particular (lower) moral calibre. You are setting up a transactional relationship. You want to see where his intentions are, stop paying for his time and attention. It's a poor approach to datinga and won't get you anywhere except what you have now: you trying to buy a partner.  

[basil67]

11 hours ago, lovelee97 said:

I do enjoy the control part of it I won't lie. Usually the person who has more money and treats the other person develops a control and they have more say in the arrangement (e.g. I wanna go out to this place or we're doing this today). It also makes the other person attached to you bc they see you as the ideal partner and it's hard for them to let go after being treated that way. So yes I do like the control aspect of it because it boosts my ego. 

How does it boost your ego?   I would have thought that having someone who wants to be with us because they think we're awesome would be a far bigger boost than someone who's just there because we're paying for them. 

That said, you're showing him a great time, so I suspect he actually thinks you're something special and has changed his mind about casual.   It's really not that unusual for someone to change their plans when they meet an amazing person.  

[Sony12]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

How does it boost your ego?   I would have thought that having someone who wants to be with us because they think we're awesome would be a far bigger boost than someone who's just there because we're paying for them. 

That said, you're showing him a great time, so I suspect he actually thinks you're something special and has changed his mind about casual.   It's really not that unusual for someone to change their plans when they meet an amazing person.  

She won't know how he really feels specifically about her until she stops spending so much money on him. 

And it is ego boost that is pretty common. Usually we see it with wealthy older men trying to attract younger women and not from women in their 20's or early 30's but if she truly is a doctor right now and has far more money than she really needs at this point in her life I could see her trying to use her money to attract men. 

She's still pretty young herself though and may not have realized yet that when she does that she doesn't really have a boyfriend or lover. She has a business partner. 

Older men don't really care because they still get to parade a beautiful young woman around and can take her back home and have her take her clothes off. In this situation though unless the guy is a whole lot better looking than she is and she isn't someone he would normally go out with it's not really the same thing as she is still pretty young herself (the same age as many of those gals who go after wealthy older men).

It's not like she is 50 and using her money trying to get a 23 year old boy toy.

[introverted1]

On 5/21/2024 at 4:08 PM, lovelee97 said:

I noticed that after my boyfriend starting seeing these things and learning more about my life he wanted to be with me more and stopped hanging out with the other girls he was seeing.

I think it's pretty understandable that a boyfriend would expect exclusivity. 

[NuevoYorko]

18 hours ago, lovelee97 said:

 It's just interesting to see how people will commit only when it's convenient for them.

Really, this is "interesting"?   Lots of people are going to try to get on an easy gravy train.  Not all people, though, and not even most people.

You already said that you like the control you have by being the one with the resources and handing them out to the guy.  You seem to be pulling his strings, too, by enjoying his jealousy about your other guy(s).   So it looks like this kind of transactional situation is appealing to you.   Seems like you might commit because it's convenient for you as well.  

But that's not really "interesting."    I don't think so anyway.

[Sony12]

Yep OP it's only a matter of time until you fall for one of these guys (infact I suspect it may have already happened given that you chose to come here for advice) and you will be nothing more than a atm to them. 

That's why I say if you really are just using your money to get sex just find yourself a male hooker.

Edited May 23, 2024 by Sony12