Hyacinth123 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Not just one, but a few of my friends have married though they had doubts. I can’t understand this, for I’d never settle!! When they voiced their concerns to me my advice was…… if you’re constantly breaking up and making up during the beginning or courting part of a relationship, something is wrong. Sure all couples have disagreements, but when it’s constant, maybe it’s a sign for you to find someone more compatible. And, if you find someone you are compatible with, but they're more a friend than a lover… Don’t marry them! You should want both aspects, someone who challenges and excites you on all levels, not just as a friend. For these reasons I can’t see them being truly happy together down the road. Either they’ll divorce, possibly when they meet someone who does fill whatever their partner lacks, or stay in a loveless marriage, perhaps for the sake of their children. Because they’ve invested time into the relationship, and they do have feelings for each other, and they don’t want to be alone… they settle. They all seem to be doing okay in their marriages, but just okay. Shouldn’t you want more than just okay!?!
JadeStar Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Some people do "just settle". Probably for lots of reasons, the main one I can think of, is maybe they hope things will change or that they feel they can not do any better in a mate. I have known people like this too. My neighbors to be exact. They dated for a period of time, argued all the time, had knock down drag out fights. Broke up got back together many times. Then ended up getting married. Had a child, seprated got back together many times, and finally last July they got divorced. It was a big mess. Its hard to say for sure why people do what they do, settle etc. Different reasons for different people and different situations. Jade
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Similary, couples who have a rocky courtship figure that if they can get through all that they can get through anything. My biggest complaint while dating my future husband was that we didn't have enough time together, and getting married and actually living together would change that and living together wasn't an option for us. At first I used to joke that I settled and after a while I realized I had a really good man, but later on we both changed somewhat, as people do, and our marriage has now ended. He is still a good man, we just out grew each other. Maybe if we had more fights while dating we would have known how to work through our problems. But looking back, there never really were "sparks"....right from the beginning.
Walk Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I was wondering though... how is someone supposed to know that the person they are with is someone they're just "settling" for? I'm not talking about people who are breaking up every other day, but the ones who get along for the most part, but maybe there are things that aren't everything they're looking for in a relationship. When are you settling? And when are you being too picky? Is it only if you have concerns about getting married? If there are any concerns prior to marriage then people shouldn't get married? Is it when you might not find your mate as attractive as others, or the sexual side is not as intense as it was in other partners? Maybe you get along great, have the same sense of humor, and love talking to each other, but the sex after a few years is kind of ho-hum. Should they break up so that they can find it all? The one? The man or woman who is going to fulfill them in every possible way? What if the sex is great, you get along 85% of the time, but maybe your partner has times in his/her life where they aren't Mr. or Mrs. Perfect? Should you dump them and look for Perfect? When is a person "settling" and when are they realizing that all humans are flawed, and we need to work with the problems that are inherient in all relationships? When should the person say goodbye, and when should they realize they need to strive harder to make the relationship better? As I said, I'm not talking about couples who argue incessantly, or constantly break up. And I'm not talking about inherient core differences that would be disasterous to two people working together, or abusive situations. But the more subtly differences of the couples who you described as friends, but not lovers. The ones who have concerns, but not so great that they want to break up over them.
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 You marry when you enjoy someone so much that you love the idea of spending pretty much the majority of your time with him for years to come. Conversely, if the thought of his absence takes the light from your life he's probably the one for you. Your wedding day should be the happiest day of your life (or I guess if you have kids maybe the happiest after having them). If you have to force a smile when you see him at the end of the aisle, turn around and walk out. Hopefully, you'll figure out beforehand that that's what you want to do, mind you. Pickind someone who's not perfect to the extent that you constantly wish he were different is very different from picking someone who you know's not perfect and who might be closer to perfect if he changed, but who you love anyway even if he never changes. The former is settling, the latter not so.
Author Hyacinth123 Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 I was wondering though... how is someone supposed to know that the person they are with is someone they're just "settling" for? I'm not talking about people who are breaking up every other day, but the ones who get along for the most part, but maybe there are things that aren't everything they're looking for in a relationship. When are you settling? And when are you being too picky? Is it only if you have concerns about getting married? If there are any concerns prior to marriage then people shouldn't get married? Is it when you might not find your mate as attractive as others, or the sexual side is not as intense as it was in other partners? Maybe you get along great, have the same sense of humor, and love talking to each other, but the sex after a few years is kind of ho-hum. Should they break up so that they can find it all? The one? The man or woman who is going to fulfill them in every possible way? What if the sex is great, you get along 85% of the time, but maybe your partner has times in his/her life where they aren't Mr. or Mrs. Perfect? Should you dump them and look for Perfect? When is a person "settling" and when are they realizing that all humans are flawed, and we need to work with the problems that are inherient in all relationships? When should the person say goodbye, and when should they realize they need to strive harder to make the relationship better? As I said, I'm not talking about couples who argue incessantly, or constantly break up. And I'm not talking about inherient core differences that would be disasterous to two people working together, or abusive situations. But the more subtly differences of the couples who you described as friends, but not lovers. The ones who have concerns, but not so great that they want to break up over them. Mr. or Mrs. Perfect don’t exist. No one is perfect. Of course they will be flawed, but so are you. But you need to be able to come home to this person and agree on most things. You also need to come to someone who brightens your day, and can make you tingle like no one else. There has to be a spark, or your relationship will fizzle. If you can’t find someone like this why give up? It is possible to have. Isn’t the real thing worth waiting or searching for? As soon as you discover that the person your dating doesn’t fill both needs, you must move on, and look for someone who does. You can’t make a relationship work when the essentials are missing. The longer you wait to get out, the worse it gets. And the more questioning you’ll do. If you have to ask, is this person for me? The answer is no. You shouldn’t have doubts. You should feel that despite your differences, there is no one else you’d rather be with and compromise with for the rest of your life. PS. Outkast- We're on the same page. I agree!
slubberdegullion Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP. </rant> there, I feel better now Here we go again with the whole "feelings" stuff. "Settling" does not mean taking someone who's a jerk with hopes of turning them into Prince Charming or Jenna Jamieson. "Settling" does not mean holding your nose everytime you look at them. If you never "settle," you'll be eternally lonely. Everyone has positives and negatives to their personality. If the positives outweigh the negatives, then you may have a chance. But to say that you'll never settle for anything less than your soul mate makes two false suppositions: There is such a thing as a soul-mate; and,Your feelings about your partner will never change. Both are lies. Love and commitment are processes, not one-off events that carry on forever. I abhor people who say they never argue, because either one is constantly giving in, or they don't care enough about their own values to stand up for them. Partners should argue, they should have issues that need work, they should have mountains which they need to climb. Any other thinking, including the panacea of "never settling," is delusional. yea, I'm grumpy today... you noticed?
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 This is an interesting exercise in semantics. Slub, you clearly think of 'settle' as a positive thing. In my lexicon, 'settle' means wishing for more and accepting what you have reluctantly. You obviously have a more positive nuance to the word. Perhaps we both agree that one ought not insist on only perfection but one should not try to hammer-and-tongs a seriously imperfect relationship into something vaguely resembling an adequate one.
slubberdegullion Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Outcast, bingo. You're absolutely right. Too bad I can't give you a rep point for it. wouldja "settle" for a kiss?
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 wouldja "settle" for a kiss? Oh I guess. If you insist.
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