Is there any chance I could get my best friend back before I go to college?

[Ivona10]

My name is Ivona and I’m 17 years old.

I hope you don't mind me writing here as a high school student as I have no one to talk to about such a personal issue.

The end of my senior year is drawing near and this year has been anything but perfect.

On the good side, I’m in a happy relationship with my boyfriend for past 10 months and we are both going to the same college this fall, so that’s a big plus for us and our hopefully lifelong relationship.

On the other hand, my relationship with my childhood best friend, who was my best friend right up to the point when I started dating my boyfriend, is completely destroyed and is the reason I’m writing here.

Maybe it should be pointed out that I’m white and my boyfriend’s black while my best friend is also white and we are living in overwhelmingly white town in middle America. I suspect that race has a lot to do with my current situation.

My boyfriend and my best friend coexisted but never liked each other at all. They were both part of our high school football, basketball and baseball teams (we are a small school from a small town). There was always stereotypical prejudice between them; my boyfriend claimed that my best friend is coaches’ pet and that he is hardworking team player because he is not talented enough to be anything else while my best friend returned the favour calling him selfish prima donna that cared only about himself. I didn’t hang out with my boyfriend up until last summer so I always held my best friend’s side when we talked about it.

Well, that was until last summer. When we started talking at a party and getting to know each other. And slowly but surely it continued and developed in a summer romance that again evolved into real relationship as this school year started. At first, I was hiding it from my best friend, and of that I’m guilty, I should have been the one who said it to him and not let him find out from other people gossiping. And I admit I neglected our friendship during last summer, I always found excuses for us not hanging out and that surely made things worse once he found out. So, he just basically slowly disappeared from my life once he found out or around that time. At first, I didn’t have time to spend with him and now he was returning the favour. And then he made some pretty drastic life choices.

He dropped from all three teams, football, basketball and baseball right at the beginning of the year with an excuse that his heart was not into it anymore. Who does that his senior year? Since he was a quarterback, point guard and short stop on those teams, team captain and second-best player after my boyfriend, my boyfriend accused him of sabotaging the team’s chances of winning intentionally. Right after that he decided he was not going to college and that he will stay at home and work at his family’s ranch instead. Those kinds of huge decisions that to me seemed counterproductive for my best friend and his future, made me confront him and ask him what was going on with him. It was awkward to just approach him and talk to him and that made me extremely sad. I was the one who neglected our friendship, he was the one left in the dark about what was going on with me last summer. And he was the one who was always there for me, since we were little kids, when my mom died, when I had any kind of problem with anybody… and now we were like strangers. He wasn’t angry, I wish he was, nor there were any bitter remarks made by him.

But he said something extremely hurtful, something that broke my heart and something I will never be able to forgive him.

Basically, now he was free to do what he wanted to do. In comparison of not being free to do anything he wanted because I was his friend and he always did only what I wanted to do and what made me happy. His entire life was one big misery until he was freed from being my friend. Those are not his words of course but you get the point. I left him and cried my heart out like never before in my life. I cried uncontrollably all the way up my house where I cried entire night and didn’t show up to school the next day.

At this point, if you are still reading this, you probably wonder were there any feelings between my best friend and me during all those years. There probably were, on both sides. On my side, yes, there were for sure. But it appears something was always missing, a moment to late or a word unsaid… It just never happened. And then I fell in love with his worst enemy, avoided him, never told him and he just left my life like he was never there in the first place. And deep down I know he doesn’t mean what he implied about me being only a burden to him and not somebody who loved him truly since we were 6 years old. Every time I see him in school it’s like somebody punched me in the stomach and my eyes tear up. We don’t even say hi to each other. I feel ashamed for whatever reason and he pretends he doesn’t see me.

Time is running out, end of high school is here, I’m going to another part of a country to college… Should I try anything to make things between us somehow bearable?

[basil67]

I can't see that this is about race at all.  Nor do I see anything stereotypical in their fights.  

What I read here is that your boyfriend is unnecessarily rude to your best friend. He's the one who initiates the mean comments and picks fights with your best friend.... and from what you write, you don't even stand up for your best friend.  And why would your best friend even want to continue in the football team when your boyfriend is being such an arse?

Further, what were you thinking by dating the enemy of your best friend in the first place?  What kind of friend does this?!  Of course your actions would destroy your friendship.  Your former best friend was not wrong when he told you that being away from you was better for him

To salvage this, you could dump your 'mean boy' boyfriend and give a heartfelt apology to your former best friend for being so insensitive and selfish.  But in all honesty, I'd say that the friendship has become irreparable.

You've brought this on yourself

Edited May 18, 2024 by basil67

[MsJayne]

Let it go. You can't have a close relationship with two people who dislike each other this much and are never going to be friends, ultimately you have to choose or you're forever the meat in a nasty sandwich. At some stage in the future you'll be friends again, just not while you're dating his arch nemesis. If you're hoping that your current boyfriend is the person you're going to spend your life with then that person must come first, but I advise a bit of caution because it sounds like there may have been a bit of jealousy motivating your boyfriend's actions towards your ex best friend and you don't want to see it. Perhaps this is the reason for the hurtful words, he's disappointed that you're making what he sees as a bad choice, he knows another side of your boyfriend, the side females don't see, and he may have had feelings for you himself which would make watching your relationship unfold rather stomach-turning. Respect his space and allow him to move on. 

[Ivona10]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

I can't see that this is about race at all.  Nor do I see anything stereotypical in their fights.  

It does have racial overtones trust me, it's probably my fault for not describing them in more detail. In any way, where I live and how people think, the choice I made about dating a black boy isn't the popular one, quite on contrary. I have people openly saying to my face "why would a pretty little white girl do such a thing" even though my boyfriend is handsome, smart and a good person. In the beginning of the junior year, it was my boyfriend who tried mend fences but received only cold shoulder from my best friend. Before we started dating, they weren't enemies, they just didn't hang out together or meet eye to eye on team issues. I don't think us starting to date cause all this, I think me avoiding my best friend like I did something wrong with just falling in love and not telling him, he didn't know where I was and what was I doing when he would come over my house because he wanted to hang out with me and eventually finding out from other people really did all the damage to our relationship.

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

What I read here is that your boyfriend is unnecessarily rude to your best friend. He's the one who initiates the mean comments and picks fights with your best friend.... and from what you write, you don't even stand up for your best friend.  And why would your best friend even want to continue in the football team when your boyfriend is being such an arse?

It takes two to tango, it would be easy to blame either one of them. They both share the blame trust me.

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Further, what were you thinking by dating the enemy of your best friend in the first place?  What kind of friend does this?!  Of course your actions would destroy your friendship.  Your former best friend was not wrong when he told you that being away from you was better for him

Like I said, they weren't enemies, they just didn't hang out together or especially liked each other, they stayed out of each other way. The other part is a little harsh.

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

To salvage this, you could dump your 'mean boy' boyfriend and give a heartfelt apology to your former best friend for being so insensitive and selfish.  But in all honesty, I'd say that the friendship has become irreparable.

You've brought this on yourself

This is a little unfair also. I blame myself for a lot of things in this situation. I truly hope you are not correct about this.

Thank you for your time and trouble

Ivona

[Ivona10]

8 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Let it go. You can't have a close relationship with two people who dislike each other this much and are never going to be friends, ultimately you have to choose or you're forever the meat in a nasty sandwich. At some stage in the future you'll be friends again, just not while you're dating his arch nemesis. If you're hoping that your current boyfriend is the person you're going to spend your life with then that person must come first, but I advise a bit of caution because it sounds like there may have been a bit of jealousy motivating your boyfriend's actions towards your ex best friend and you don't want to see it. Perhaps this is the reason for the hurtful words, he's disappointed that you're making what he sees as a bad choice, he knows another side of your boyfriend, the side females don't see, and he may have had feelings for you himself which would make watching your relationship unfold rather stomach-turning. Respect his space and allow him to move on. 

This sounds pretty right, I think you've might hit a bullseye on multiple things. Thank you so much, I really mean it! I just don't think I can do what you advise in your last sentence.

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Ivona10 said:

And then I fell in love with his worst enemy,

 

27 minutes ago, Ivona10 said:

Like I said, they weren't enemies, they just didn't hang out together or especially liked each other, they stayed out of each other way. The other part is a little harsh.

I've just quoted where you actually said that you fell in love with your best friend's "worst enemy".   It now looks like you're changing the story because you realise that your actions were that of snake in the grass.  An unfaithful friend.

And I'm not being harsh because good friends don't do this stuff to each other.   If your dear friend has an enemy, then that person should be your enemy too.  Or if not an enemy, you at least should at least stay far away in solidarity with your friend.

You had a choice between your dear friend and your dear friend's enemy.   You chose the enemy, so the friendship cannot be salvaged.   And you think your former best friend said something hurtful?    How do you imagine your best friend felt when you chose his worst enemy?

Edited May 19, 2024 by basil67