do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah that’s true. I felt something was missing with him too but I thought it was just because he was being so distant. 
 

it’s just it’s happened with every guy I’ve ever dated, even men who like REALLY want me in the beginning. 
 

 

now I am a little concerned I am too scared to get attached to guys. When I get dating app matches I only want to speak to them once a day as I don’t want to integrate them into my life and get attached before I even know them. Is that reasonable? 

Everyone has their own patterns. From what I understand it's not you manifesting something or choosing the wrong people but a mix of both.

We all have our own tendencies, some women for example continually end up in domestic abuse situations. It doesn't mean their partner would be abusive with everyone but rather that's how their chemistry unfortunately lines up and it's the men with the potential for that they unconsciously seek out.

My own pattern is when I really like a girl usually there's some unceremonious blow up on her end when we start to get closer. It doesn't happen often that I catch feelings but I've had some strong crushes on girls too that usually seems a little odd, aloof and a bit emotionally unstable. It doesn't mean they'd be this way with everyone but they are that way for me because I bring out certain things in them and they bring out certain things in me. Girls I meet who have none of these things I'm usually a lot less attracted to, go figure!

So you seek out these guys, but you also bring out a certain behaviour in them because of how you are. Because they have the potential for this I don't think you did something "wrong" but rather they're the wrong people and you bring out the worst in them.

I think obsessing over being ugly is a red herring, it's more about ending up in unhealthy relationship patterns which is caused by low self-esteem and unresolved issues from the past.

Edited May 22, 2024 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

When the same thing happens repeatedly in our lives, whatever that thing is, we have to look inward because we are the common denominator. 

You keep arguing with us -- practically 10 pages of arguing at this point! -- that nothing that has happened in your dating life is the result of anything you've done.  Call me skeptical but, if true, then the issue is with your picker.  So either way, it's a "you" problem.  And until you acknowledge and fix that, the same pattern will continue to repeat.  

Good luck. 

Well I’ve only dated 3 men in my life and it’s happened 3 times which is 100 percent. First one came out as gay but it still feels personal somewhat. 
 

I like very pretty long haired men. That’s my type, who are nerdy and introverted. And if they message me long paragraphs on the dating app they win me over. So that’s kinda the common denominator when it comes to dating. Long hair and nerdy and they keen to meet me. 
 

 

[PeachPalm1]

11 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Everyone has their own patterns. From what I understand it's not you manifesting something or choosing the wrong people but a mix of both.

We all have our own tendencies, some women for example continually end up in domestic abuse situations. It doesn't mean their partner would be abusive with everyone but rather that's how their chemistry unfortunately lines up and it's the men with the potential for that they unconsciously seek out.

My own pattern is when I really like a girl usually there's some unceremonious blow up on her end when we start to get closer. It doesn't happen often that I catch feelings but I've had some strong crushes on girls too that usually seems a little odd, aloof and a bit emotionally unstable. It doesn't mean they'd be this way with everyone but they are that way for me because I bring out certain things in them and they bring out certain things in me. Girls I meet who have none of these things I'm usually a lot less attracted to, go figure!

So you seek out these guys, but you also bring out a certain behaviour in them because of how you are. Because they have the potential for this I don't think you did something "wrong" but rather they're the wrong people and you bring out the worst in them.

I think obsessing over being ugly is a red herring, it's more about ending up in unhealthy relationship patterns which is caused by low self-esteem and unresolved issues from the past.

Is it weird I don’t really get crushes though, like maybe once every 3 years. 
 

Yeah hope it was just the case of the wrong person. 

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Is it weird I don’t really get crushes though, like maybe once every 3 years. 
 

Yeah hope it was just the case of the wrong person. 

I'm exactly the same. It's sad and frustrating but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're asexual or ugly.

It may be a self-protection thing, I've been told it often comes from dysfunction parents growing up giving you a bad model for relationships. So you end up craving and playing out things which repeat the trauma.

[PeachPalm1]

13 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I'm exactly the same. It's sad and frustrating but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're asexual or ugly.

It may be a self-protection thing, I've been told it often comes from dysfunction parents growing up giving you a bad model for relationships. So you end up craving and playing out things which repeat the trauma.

My parents aren’t dysfunctional, they lovely parents. I do find the men j date don’t fully like me and I feel more comfortable with that, where as when men are really interested, it scares me and I feel smothered. Like so the last guy I felt very safe as I could get on with my life whilst dating him . This scares me. But I feel like if I genuinely like a guy and he likes me back I won’t feel this way. I think k had the last guy texted more and wanted to see me more, I would have been happy. I loved it when he asked me on dates I would jump for joy 

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I like very pretty long haired men. That’s my type,

You do realize these type of men have lots of options.  This could be the problem.  How old is this guy?

[FredEire]

31 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

My parents aren’t dysfunctional, they lovely parents. I do find the men j date don’t fully like me and I feel more comfortable with that, where as when men are really interested, it scares me and I feel smothered. Like so the last guy I felt very safe as I could get on with my life whilst dating him . This scares me. But I feel like if I genuinely like a guy and he likes me back I won’t feel this way. I think k had the last guy texted more and wanted to see me more, I would have been happy. I loved it when he asked me on dates I would jump for joy 

My parents are lovely too, but they certainly had their issues. Without being a psychologist I can't really say what's going on for you exactly though.

The second sentence says a lot. You feel comfortable with half-interest, because it allows you to pine for them from a distance without the danger of ever getting too close.

"If he had done X and Y it would have been Z". Yes but he didn't, and that behaviour was an inherent part of his relationship with you. If he came on strong and was saying he really liked you and wanted a commitment your interest may have fell off a cliff. You don't know because that's not what happened and that's not who he was.

Edited May 22, 2024 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You do realize these type of men have lots of options.  This could be the problem.  How old is this guy?

He is 30. And maybe he did but then I don’t know why I don’t have a lot of options

the day after he ended things with me, the escape room we went to posted a pic of him with another woman at the place. But she was wearing a wedding ring so maybe just friends, but it made me wonder if he was dating a lot of women at the same time. Which is a bit s*** because how can anyone form a connection focusing on lots of people at the same time? 

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, FredEire said:

My parents are lovely too, but they certainly had their issues. Without being a psychologist I can't really say what's going on for you exactly though.

The second sentence says a lot. You feel comfortable with half-interest, because it allows you to pine for them from a distance without the danger of ever getting too close.

"If he had done X and Y it would have been Z". Yes but he didn't, and that behaviour was an inherent part of his relationship with you. If he came on strong and was saying he really liked you and wanted a commitment your interest may have fell off a cliff. You don't know because that's not what happened and that's not who he was.

I don’t know, i think it’s something to do with me not knowing I like them at first. It takes me time. When my ex boyfriend told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend, sent good morning texts, was super soppy etc, as I liked him, I absolutely loved all that. I felt very confortabke witb jt all. I just don’t think I like too much too soon. But with this new guy, it was just too slow so I wanted things to progress 

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I just think that this whole situation is about HIM and not the OP. In other words, there’s that SHE did or did not do to him. It’s time to meet someone new 

Yeah I’m trying to move forward. I just feel that spark so rarely 

thanks for reassuring me it’s him, I really did try my best and went into this dating situation with positive mindset. I was kind and caring and my authentic self. 
 

Basically on another forum, they told me that I’m the red flag that at 28 , I’ve only had a handful of people I’ve dated, and none have pursued me romantically. Others tell me it’s the men not being ready for relationships or settling down in their mid 20s. 

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He is 30. And maybe he did but then I don’t know why I don’t have a lot of options

the day after he ended things with me, the escape room we went to posted a pic of him with another woman at the place. But she was wearing a wedding ring so maybe just friends, but it made me wonder if he was dating a lot of women at the same time. Which is a bit s*** because how can anyone form a connection focusing on lots of people at the same time? 

Men who are not ready to settle down enjoy dating multiple women because they can.  One day he will settle down.

[FredEire]

20 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah I’m trying to move forward. I just feel that spark so rarely 

thanks for reassuring me it’s him, I really did try my best and went into this dating situation with positive mindset. I was kind and caring and my authentic self. 
 

Basically on another forum, they told me that I’m the red flag that at 28 , I’ve only had a handful of people I’ve dated, and none have pursued me romantically. Others tell me it’s the men not being ready for relationships or settling down in their mid 20s. 

It's a trap I fall into myself but I don't think the blame game is useful. It's nobody's "fault", it's all about the relationship and the dynamic. Either they are functional or they're not, and this one wasn't.

Your first relationship is with yourself. If that's not working nothing else will. People like incels who can't get into relationships don't do so because their relationship with themselves is a very obvious mess. People don't want to engage with that.

[FredEire]

26 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I don’t know, i think it’s something to do with me not knowing I like them at first. It takes me time. When my ex boyfriend told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend, sent good morning texts, was super soppy etc, as I liked him, I absolutely loved all that. I felt very confortabke witb jt all. I just don’t think I like too much too soon. But with this new guy, it was just too slow so I wanted things to progress 

But you just said yourself you feel more comfortable with people who only half like you, so which is it.

There was obviously a reason you broke up with your first boyfriend. Did he start to distance as well?

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Men who are not ready to settle down enjoy dating multiple women because they can.  One day he will settle down.

Settling down because you have no more options is a pretty horrible reason to settle down.

[Weezy1973]

36 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

When my ex boyfriend told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend, sent good morning texts, was super soppy etc, as I liked him, I absolutely loved all that.

Didn’t you say you’ve never been in a relationship?

[Alpacalia]

I'd also say that practicing discreetness can go a long way. You don't have to shoot off every thought that pops into your head. I appreciate a lot of what you wrote because I can resonate with a lot of it (a bit complex myself....) but when you put it all out there it runs the risk of attracting people that may not have the best intentions.  

Something in between a little bit of mystery and still being honest is a nice balance.  

The longer you talk with someone or even observe them, the more you'll likely see if they are compatible as a long-term partner. 

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Settling down because you have no more options is a pretty horrible reason to settle down.

Who said he would settle down because he has no more options?  I meant one day he will fall in love and want to settle down.  That's usually what happens with people who have lots of options.

[stillafool]

59 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Basically on another forum, they told me that I’m the red flag that at 28 ,

You should have told them you're not 28 but 27 so therefore not a red flag?

[rozlyn]

Just cuz you're attractive doesn't mean you're what they are looking for. Sounds like you aren't the only person he is seeing or intends to see. He's just keeping you around, you aren't what he is looking for or he wouldn't be still looking.

[FredEire]

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'd also say that practicing discreetness can go a long way. You don't have to shoot off every thought that pops into your head. I appreciate a lot of what you wrote because I can resonate with a lot of it (a bit complex myself....) but when you put it all out there it runs the risk of attracting people that may not have the best intentions.  

Something in between a little bit of mystery and still being honest is a nice balance.  

The longer you talk with someone or even observe them, the more you'll likely see if they are compatible as a long-term partner. 

Right. My brother is honest to a fault and we lacked a strong father figure growing up, so he attracted emotional predators who recognised his naivety and he was attracted to their authority and guidance, another negative relationship that "worked" in its way.

There may be an element sometimes of the romance you talk about being given as lip service because the guys realise you like it and it keeps you around, without actually meaning any of it.

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, FredEire said:

35 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'd also say that practicing discreetness can go a long way. You don't have to shoot off every thought that pops into your head. I appreciate a lot of what you wrote because I can resonate with a lot of it (a bit complex myself....) but when you put it all out there it runs the risk of attracting people that may not have the best intentions.  

Something in between a little bit of mystery and still being honest is a nice balance.  

The longer you talk with someone or even observe them, the more you'll likely see if they are compatible as a long-term partner. 

Right. My brother is honest to a fault and we lacked a strong father figure growing up, so he attracted emotional predators who recognised his naivety and he was attracted to their authority and guidance, another negative relationship that "worked" in its way.

There may be an element sometimes of the romance you talk about being given as lip service because the guys realise you like it and it keeps you around, without actually meaning any of it.

Right. 100% agree.  

It is this awful cycle that someone might fall into and keep falling into because they like the feeling of security, of being wanted, of being needed, of having someone to be nice to... but no actual strong relationship or connection will eventually form.

Something I think is a really effective way to tell the difference between someone who cares for you and someone who is trying to just seem like it for their own ego, is to see if you get a sense that you feel better about your self, or they trigger you at the sound of their voice, even laugh. It's hard to describe what I mean, but if you find any contradiction, then no.

Someone's quality of life should improve in their presence is the point.  

With this guy, you're questioning whether you are physically attractive enough and I feel 100% that you are only so sensitive because you feel him kind of lording it over you - feeling so insecure that he could literally have anyone he wants and you can't. That his stall is high enough so that anything pretty much of the female *type* is fair game. 

Instead of focusing on your deficiencies, whether real or imagined, I would find someone that is exclusive and excited by you. Period.  
 

Edited May 22, 2024 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

it’s just it’s happened with every guy I’ve ever dated, even men who like REALLY want me in the beginning. 

Earlier in  this thread you said you've had 2 boyfriends.   That's not the same as dating guys who were not interested in you romantically.  If they were your boyfriend they were interested in you romantically.  If it didn't work out, there are hundreds of reasons why that could have happened.   People usually have one or more relationship that didn't work out in their lives.  You're not unique in that.

 

4 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

now I am a little concerned I am too scared to get attached to guys. When I get dating app matches I only want to speak to them once a day as I don’t want to integrate them into my life and get attached before I even know them. Is that reasonable? 

Maybe you're not in a good place to be trying to get in a relationship right now.   It's concerning that you seem obsessed with the idea that there has to be a clear reason WHY a guy would not be romantically interested in you rather than - he simply was not.   

That happens all the time in dating.  If you're not able to accept it then you probably need some therapy to get to a place where you have reasonable expectations about dating and relationships.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Who said he would settle down because he has no more options?  I meant one day he will fall in love and want to settle down.  That's usually what happens with people who have lots of options.

That's what your post read like to me. But yes I agree. I think it's a good thing to have options ideally, I have friends who jumped into something young for convenience and it doesn't seem to be working out too great for them.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Right. 100% agree.  

It is this awful cycle that someone might fall into and keep falling into because they like the feeling of security, of being wanted, of being needed, of having someone to be nice to... but no actual strong relationship or connection will eventually form.

Something I think is a really effective way to tell the difference between someone who cares for you and someone who is trying to just seem like it for their own ego, is to see if you get a sense that you feel better about your self, or they trigger you at the sound of their voice, even laugh. It's hard to describe what I mean, but if you find any contradiction, then no.

Someone's quality of life should improve in their presence is the point.  

With this guy, you're questioning whether you are physically attractive enough and I feel 100% that you are only so sensitive because you feel him kind of lording it over you - feeling so insecure that he could literally have anyone he wants and you can't. That his stall is high enough so that anything pretty much of the female *type* is fair game. 

Instead of focusing on your deficiencies, whether real or imagined, I would find someone that is exclusive and excited by you. Period.  
 

Yep, absolutely. If you're walking on eggshells around someone and constantly questioning what you do/say that's going to elicit them putting distance or reacting badly, it isn't a very good sign that they're right for you.

When I met my ex it was a wonderful feeling that I could be completely myself around her, which unfortunately turned into walking on eggshells after a few months of dating. That's when I knew it wouldn't last much longer.

I haven't found the right person yet either, but everyone I know who has tells me that when you do there's no questioning, it just works mutually for both people involved.

[PeachPalm1]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

You should have told them you're not 28 but 27 so therefore not a red flag?

 

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'd also say that practicing discreetness can go a long way. You don't have to shoot off every thought that pops into your head. I appreciate a lot of what you wrote because I can resonate with a lot of it (a bit complex myself....) but when you put it all out there it runs the risk of attracting people that may not have the best intentions.  

Something in between a little bit of mystery and still being honest is a nice balance.  

The longer you talk with someone or even observe them, the more you'll likely see if they are compatible as a long-term partner. 

Oh I certainly am mysterious I don’t overshare.  Last month he seemed shocked he ddidnt realise I worked in a different town. He was like ‘did you ever tell me that?’ And I said ‘oh I don’t think I did.’