do attractive women get friendzoned? What could this behaviour have been?

[PeachPalm1]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This place.

Huh?

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Huh?

27, 28, 29?

[FredEire]

49 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m trying to date others. I go on a date once a week, but I’m finding a lot of the other men a lot more disrespectful than this guy. Plus there’s a clear disconnect between these other men I date. One touched my bum on the first date and I had to tell him that’s disrespectful and it was a bit upsetting for me. And then the same guy tried to kiss me and I just wasn’t feeling it and he went for it anyway. Safe to say these other dates I have felt a bit violated 

 

it upsets me that someone on here said that something must be wrong with me if I’ve never had a long term relationship. I had an abusive ex many years ago, and I had therapy for that. I like to think that wasn’t my fault. Then I had an ex 2 years ago who didn’t want kids like I do one day so I had to end it even though I loved him, then I met this guy 2 years later and I felt ready after healing 

 

I guess what I’m seeking here is reassurance I’m doing nothing wrong and these experiences are entirely normal. It’s just my friends are settled down and I’m having these experiences and I have no one to talk through them and my friends don’t seem to relate as they didn’t have these problems 

So it's a case of the one that got away really. I think from what you described he's not worth pining over like this and there's no magic formula for what you did "wrong" he just didn't see a relationship with you and nothing you could have done was going to change that.

27 is still very young in today's world, as is 28 and 29. Even if you were 39, 49 or 59 hey the circumstances maybe be a bit different but its the same stuff weren't talking about. You can't worry about what anyone else is doing, you're on your own path.

The nature of dating is you're probably not going to click with the majority of people you go out with, so you just have to accept that for what it is.

Edited May 20, 2024 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

31 minutes ago, stillafool said:

27, 28, 29?

I’m 27 but 28 next week

[PeachPalm1]

35 minutes ago, FredEire said:

So it's a case of the one that got away really. I think from what you described he's not worth pining over like this and there's no magic formula for what you did "wrong" he just didn't see a relationship with you and nothing you could have done was going to change that.

27 is still very young in today's world, as is 28 and 29. Even if you were 39, 49 or 59 hey the circumstances maybe be a bit different but its the same stuff weren't talking about. You can't worry about what anyone else is doing, you're on your own path.

The nature of dating is you're probably not going to click with the majority of people you go out with, so you just have to accept that for what it is.

Yes and I appreciate that.

I guess I just struggle as it took me over a year to get over my ex, didn’t think I’d like someone again and then this guy came along and did everything my ex never did for me without me asking. My ex was communicative but never took me on a date once and he didn’t want kids , this new guy planned dates (although confirmed plans very last minute which frustrated me and I had to bring that up as it meant I couldn’t plan my weekend). 
 

after my ex I had a lot of therapy, i didn’t fancy anyone else and it made me quite anxious scared I wouldn’t meet someone again. So when this guy came along, it was a spark of home. I wanted to do everything right, I kept myself busy with hobbies too so I don’t focus on him too much. But this guys behaviour ended up being so confusing. Interested on dates, telling me he wants kids too, he sees a long term thing, met his friends! It was hard not to get excited.

 

and I was aware of his distancing, how cold he was after dates but I just waited to see how things played out. 
 

maybe im just a fool lol

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yes and I appreciate that.

I guess I just struggle as it took me over a year to get over my ex, didn’t think I’d like someone again and then this guy came along and did everything my ex never did for me without me asking. My ex was communicative but never took me on a date once and he didn’t want kids , this new guy planned dates (although confirmed plans very last minute which frustrated me and I had to bring that up as it meant I couldn’t plan my weekend). 
 

after my ex I had a lot of therapy, i didn’t fancy anyone else and it made me quite anxious scared I wouldn’t meet someone again. So when this guy came along, it was a spark of home. I wanted to do everything right, I kept myself busy with hobbies too so I don’t focus on him too much. But this guys behaviour ended up being so confusing. Interested on dates, telling me he wants kids too, he sees a long term thing, met his friends! It was hard not to get excited.

 

and I was aware of his distancing, how cold he was after dates but I just waited to see how things played out. 
 

maybe im just a fool lol

I've had a very similar experience in the last few years, took me two years to get over my ex (who I broke it off with). Met someone I was immediately crazy about put way too much into it and was a bit of a mess when it ended up not going very well.

You're not alone. All you can do is work on yourself, but hanging on to his memory this long and catastrophising are signs of low self-esteem (something I also struggle with).

Your positive description of yourself and your other statements don't line up, you don't seem to be someone who's brimming with self-confidence. I think you need to do further work on this in therapy and where it might be coming from.

Edited May 20, 2024 by FredEire

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I've had a very similar experience in the last few years, took me two years to get over my ex (who I broke it off with). Met someone I was immediately crazy about put way too much into it and was a bit of a mess when it ended up not going very well.

You're not alone. All you can do is work on yourself, but hanging on to his memory this long and catastrophising are signs of low self-esteem (something I also struggle with).

Your positive description of yourself and your other statements don't line up, you don't seem to be someone who's brimming with self-confidence. I think you need to do further work on this in therapy and where it might be coming from.

My confidence has come on. I like how I must give off positive vibes as every time I go to the supermarket, random people come and chat to me. That’s a positive step. 
 

I am confident but this is just my inner ramblings, letting it all out.

 

his behaviour has been utterly confusing whilst we have been dating. And I can appreciate he didn’t like me romantically. It’s just the way even after he ends things.. before he ended things, he was sending me ‘cute date ideas’ in his words. One activity he spoke of for e cute date ideas, a few months later he took me there as friends, he was touching me on the bum a lot, hugging me and tickling me when I said something silly, it was very playful. We had a deep Convo about long term goals and I shared how I worry I won’t have kids. He shared that he’s not sure if he wants kids but he’s sure it will come one day, how he missed his family the other side of the world and how he’s completely unsure how long he will stay in this country. In those moments, I felt close to him and he hugged me and said he was so happy to see me. 
 

then he was texting me all the time more then when we were dating.  And I felt is getting very close. Him showing a lot of interest in my hobbies and my art.

 

and then one day, he just stopped replying. He drops in occasionally with a message. Likes my pics 

 

and it makes me wonder if he’s keeping me around as he’s not sure what he wants. I’m trying to move on and not take it persoanlly 

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m 27 but 28 next week

And then 25 next week.  LOL

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

And then 25 next week.  LOL

Hilarious 

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

a few months later he took me there as friends, he was touching me on the bum a lot, hugging me and tickling me when I said something silly, it was very playful. We had a deep Convo about long term goals and I shared how I worry I won’t have kids. He shared that he’s not sure if he wants kids but he’s sure it will come one day, how he missed his family the other side of the world and how he’s completely unsure how long he will stay in this country. In those moments, I felt close to him and he hugged me and said he was so happy to see me. 

Touching your bum, giving you a hug and tickling you is just a man enjoying touching a woman.  If he's barely contacting you and dialed it back to friends, it's inappropriate for him to touch your bum, why did you let him?  People talk about their long term goals, whether or not they want kids and family with their friends and family, it's conversation and isn't an indicator or romantic interest.  Same with a hug.  You're kind of grasping at straws.

[PeachPalm1]

Just now, stillafool said:

Touching your bum, giving you a hug and tickling you is just a man enjoying touching a woman.  If he's barely contacting you and dialed it back to friends, it's inappropriate for him to touch your bum, why did you let him?  People talk about their long term goals, whether or not they want kids and family with their friends and family, it's conversation and isn't an indicator or romantic interest.  Same with a hug.  You're kind of grasping at straws.

Well I pulled away, I felt confused as it was very subtle I wasn’t sure if he was aware he was doing it, it just seemed playful. But it did make me feel confused 

[FredEire]

51 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

My confidence has come on. I like how I must give off positive vibes as every time I go to the supermarket, random people come and chat to me. That’s a positive step. 
 

I am confident but this is just my inner ramblings, letting it all out.

 

his behaviour has been utterly confusing whilst we have been dating. And I can appreciate he didn’t like me romantically. It’s just the way even after he ends things.. before he ended things, he was sending me ‘cute date ideas’ in his words. One activity he spoke of for e cute date ideas, a few months later he took me there as friends, he was touching me on the bum a lot, hugging me and tickling me when I said something silly, it was very playful. We had a deep Convo about long term goals and I shared how I worry I won’t have kids. He shared that he’s not sure if he wants kids but he’s sure it will come one day, how he missed his family the other side of the world and how he’s completely unsure how long he will stay in this country. In those moments, I felt close to him and he hugged me and said he was so happy to see me. 
 

then he was texting me all the time more then when we were dating.  And I felt is getting very close. Him showing a lot of interest in my hobbies and my art.

 

and then one day, he just stopped replying. He drops in occasionally with a message. Likes my pics 

 

and it makes me wonder if he’s keeping me around as he’s not sure what he wants. I’m trying to move on and not take it persoanlly 

That's good, it seems like you still have a bit more to do.

You're just over analysing every little thing now. I feel like when someone leaves you confused it's usually because they're only half-interested and maybe enjoy your time and attention 50% of the time and the other half they're not that bothered, whether that's because of seeing other people, committment issues, not over an ex etc.

Unfortunately for a relationship its not likely to work and if someone starts off like this its unlikely to get better. Any relationship or close-to-relationship I've had the girl has been quite keen from the off. Anything where she's been half-in, half-out hasn't worked out.

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

That's good, it seems like you still have a bit more to do.

You're just over analysing every little thing now. I feel like when someone leaves you confused it's usually because they're only half-interested and maybe enjoy your time and attention 50% of the time and the other half they're not that bothered, whether that's because of seeing other people, committment issues, not over an ex etc.

Unfortunately for a relationship its not likely to work and if someone starts off like this its unlikely to get better. Any relationship or close-to-relationship I've had the girl has been quite keen from the off. Anything where she's been half-in, half-out hasn't worked out.

Yeah maybe it was never going to work. I felt a bit confused as the night beofre the first date, I hadn’t heard from him for 3 days. I was a bit confused as the lead up to that he had been very keen. He had asked me out to hang in a city half way between mine and his so like 45 mins away. At midnight he still hadn’t confirmed the lunchtime plans he had mentioned the day beofre 

 

so at midnight I texted him ‘hey, sorry it’s late but I wasn’t sure if we were still meeting tomorrow. Let me know!’ He replied ‘hey sorry been out and about with friends. Absolutely, I will meet you at the station at 12pm. See you then :)’

 

then we met and when I got there he said ‘I’m really sorry and I’ve planned badly but I have to leave in 2 hours as I have another dinner with a friend, hope that’s ok.’ We went out for lunch and it was a lot of fun, amazing chat etc, but I did feel a little disappointed as I the plans were for us to explore this town, go to the cathedral etc. we parted ways he gave me a hug

 

I texted him when I got home to say ‘thanks for the pizza , I had a lovely time meeting you :)’ he replied at 1am ‘sorry for late reply, just got back from my friends. I enjoyed meeting you too. Good luck with the new week, talk soon!’

 

didnt hear from him all week so I was brave at the end of the week and texted him and said ‘fancy visiting my town? I’ll show you that coffee place I told you about and maybe we can get some lunch.’ He replied instantly and said abolsutrly. 
 

although the day before he asked me if we could reschedule to the day after and he apologised because he said his other friends have changed availability and one had just broken up with their partner and he wanted to support them. But the next day he came to visit, we had our first kiss and tons of laughs. But then after the date he went back to taking days to reply 

 

maybe he had his own issues all along. Maybe not ready to date? Things got better over time, he spoke of how more comfortable he was feeling with me. I think he continued to feel comfortable in our friendship
 

Maybe really is a him thing and the chemsitry is off. I admit myself on the last date, I felt l lost attraction to him too due to his inconsistency 

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I have worked on myself and I am incredibly self reflective. I keep analysing what I did wrong. What I could have done better? Eg should I have been more flirty, more this, more that etc etc 

Oh come on.  Please stop.  What part of "he was not that into you" is so difficult to understand?

Are you aware that without a doubt every person here, reading your thread, has had an experience where we really liked someone who did not feel the same way about us?

It's NORMAL.  

You probably didn't do anything "wrong."

Though, sorry, but I have to say you appear to be deliberately obtuse on this thread.   If you are like this in all types of relationships and interactions, you would be off-putting.   It's like you are refusing to, or are not capable of seeing another point of view than your own. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m trying to date others. I go on a date once a week, but I’m finding a lot of the other men a lot more disrespectful than this guy. Plus there’s a clear disconnect between these other men I date. One touched my bum on the first date and I had to tell him that’s disrespectful and it was a bit upsetting for me. And then the same guy tried to kiss me and I just wasn’t feeling it and he went for it anyway. Safe to say these other dates I have felt a bit violated 

 

it upsets me that someone on here said that something must be wrong with me if I’ve never had a long term relationship. I had an abusive ex many years ago, and I had therapy for that. I like to think that wasn’t my fault. Then I had an ex 2 years ago who didn’t want kids like I do one day so I had to end it even though I loved him, then I met this guy 2 years later and I felt ready after healing 

 

I guess what I’m seeking here is reassurance I’m doing nothing wrong and these experiences are entirely normal. It’s just my friends are settled down and I’m having these experiences and I have no one to talk through them and my friends don’t seem to relate as they didn’t have these problems 

You've said no men are ever interested in you, yet you've named 2 exes of yours and 2 other men you've been on dates with recently.  Please try to tell the truth.  You just want this one but he's not showing the same interest.  Don't reach out to him anymore, let him contact you and offer a proper date that is set with a time.  Don't accept another day meeting.  Saturday night is prime date night and if you aren't offered that, decline.  I can almost guarantee when you saw him during the day that Saturday and he told you he was having dinner with a friend that it was with another girl.  

[basil67]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah maybe it was never going to work. I felt a bit confused as the night beofre the first date, I hadn’t heard from him for 3 days. I was a bit confused as the lead up to that he had been very keen. He had asked me out to hang in a city half way between mine and his so like 45 mins away. At midnight he still hadn’t confirmed the lunchtime plans he had mentioned the day beofre 

so at midnight I texted him ‘hey, sorry it’s late but I wasn’t sure if we were still meeting tomorrow. Let me know!’ He replied ‘hey sorry been out and about with friends. Absolutely, I will meet you at the station at 12pm. See you then :)’

then we met and when I got there he said ‘I’m really sorry and I’ve planned badly but I have to leave in 2 hours as I have another dinner with a friend, hope that’s ok.’ We went out for lunch and it was a lot of fun, amazing chat etc, but I did feel a little disappointed as I the plans were for us to explore this town, go to the cathedral etc. we parted ways he gave me a hug

I texted him when I got home to say ‘thanks for the pizza , I had a lovely time meeting you :)’ he replied at 1am ‘sorry for late reply, just got back from my friends. I enjoyed meeting you too. Good luck with the new week, talk soon!’

didnt hear from him all week so I was brave at the end of the week and texted him and said ‘fancy visiting my town? I’ll show you that coffee place I told you about and maybe we can get some lunch.’ He replied instantly and said abolsutrly. 

although the day before he asked me if we could reschedule to the day after and he apologised because he said his other friends have changed availability and one had just broken up with their partner and he wanted to support them. But the next day he came to visit, we had our first kiss and tons of laughs. But then after the date he went back to taking days to reply 

maybe he had his own issues all along. Maybe not ready to date? Things got better over time, he spoke of how more comfortable he was feeling with me. I think he continued to feel comfortable in our friendship

Maybe really is a him thing and the chemsitry is off. I admit myself on the last date, I felt l lost attraction to him too due to his inconsistency 

He doesn't have 'issues' and it's not a 'him thing.  He's just not that into you.  And even if he was into you, you're being too forgiving about him being unable to commit to his word.

Block this time waster and move on

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I have worked on myself and I am incredibly self reflective. I keep analysing what I did wrong. What I could have done better? Eg should I have been more flirty, more this, more that etc etc 

 

 

You see, again you make it all about yourself. You are still in that erroneous thought paradigm that if you do this and that, the other guy must fall in love with you.

Don’t you see that this is just another aspect of your insecurity, alongside boasting and complaining? In all those cases, you think that it’s your fault that some stupid barely known guys don’t love you enough.

You either become defensive (“But I’m great! Why doesn’t he love me?”), accusatory (“He doesn’t love me, so he sucks!”), or self-deprecating (“There must be something wrong with me, otherwise he would have loved me!”)

But, you see, all of those mindsets are fundamentally wrong. People love whom they love, period. If you want to become more attractive in general, I suggest you heed to the advices given to you in this thread.

But bear in mind that becoming more attractive, charming, charismatic doesn’t guarantee instant success in every budding romantic endeavor. Even if you’re the most magnetically irresistible intellectual giant with the body of a sex bomb, you’ll have to experience failures and disappointments.

If I were you, the first thing I’d start working on would be that “no spark” situation. You’re way too preoccupied with what other people feel, and don’t seem to be worried at all that you, by your own admission, never feel “that spark”. This is the most concerning thing, by far. Relax, meditate on that, and start cultivating that spark. Men don’t like sparkless women, that much I can tell you with confidence.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

 I’m a kind and caring person, who is honest and communicative whilst being assertive and decisive. Which could be taken as bossy by some but not most. 

One can be too honest and communicative.  Do you know when to keep your thoughts to yourself?  

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

maybe he had his own issues all along. Maybe not ready to date?

He is ready to date. He just wasn't that interested in you. 

I'm sorry to be blunt, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, but that's what it boils down to. 

[PeachPalm1]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

One can be too honest and communicative.  Do you know when to keep your thoughts to yourself?  

Yeah absolutely, I’m not unintelligent, I know exactly when to keep my thoughts to myself. I’m very self aware in that respect 

[PeachPalm1]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He is ready to date. He just wasn't that interested in you. 

I'm sorry to be blunt, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, but that's what it boils down to. 

Well not necessarily, he was never forthcoming with what he was looking for and also he said he sees himself going back home the other side of the world next year. How is that conducive of a long term relationship? 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Well not necessarily, he was never forthcoming with what he was looking for and also he said he sees himself going back home the other side of the world next year. How is that conducive of a long term relationship? 

If this is the case, why did you ask "Maybe [he's] not ready to date?"   Sounds like you already had your answer

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Well not necessarily, he was never forthcoming with what he was looking for and also he said he sees himself going back home the other side of the world next year. How is that conducive of a long term relationship? 

It's not.

I think a lot of this comes down to you feeling used an unwanted. But you can't change what someone wants to placate your ego, you just have to be honest with yourself and either take it or leave it.

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

If this is the case, why did you ask "Maybe [he's] not ready to date?"   Sounds like you already had your answer

Because I was confused as he’s since rejoins a dating app and it says ‘looking for long term but open to short.’ But then on another dating app it says ‘not sure yet.’

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Because I was confused as he’s since rejoins a dating app and it says ‘looking for long term but open to short.’ But then on another dating app it says ‘not sure yet.’

It doesn’t matter. He wasn’t into you. Not because there’s something wrong with you. You go on dates with people to see if they’re a match. More often than not, especially with online dating, they won’t be. Even if you’re looking for a long term relationship, you don’t instantly fall into that with the first person you go on a date with. In this case he realized you and him weren’t a match. No big deal.