Girl said she isn't ready for a relationship, but likes me and doesn't want me to talk about other girls with her?

[evabavay]

Went on a few dates with this sweet girl I know who I connected with on a deep level emotionally.

After the third one she dipped and pretty much said she still likes me but wants to just be friends for now because she's still trying to deal with feelings with her last relationship which she had only come out of late last year and was an abusive one apparently.

Anyway, so yeah I just treated her like a friend. I tried to move on romantically and I assumed she had as well since I don't really believe this whole "I like you but I'm not ready for a relationship thing," (seriously why go on 3 dates with someone romantically interested in you if you don't think you're ready for a relationship? I just don't buy this excuse) so I told her a story about this girl who's number I got at a party a couple nights ago but strangely she actually shut it down and said something along the lines of "just to be clear I'm fine if you talk to other girls and stuff but maybe just don't tell me about it because it's awkward for me."

Huh?

So she IS interested in me? But also doesn't want to date me? According to her she also isn't seeing any one else right now.

Is she trying to manipulate me, maybe keeping me on a string while she assesses her options? She told me she THINKS she will stay out of the dating pool for a while (in retrospect I should've called this out because oh I guess you ARE ready for a relationship then?).

I'm not sure how to approach this one LoveShack. I do have an interest in her, and she says she has one in me. Should I drop her? For the record we are currently "friends" and talk daily.

Edited May 17, 2024 by evabavay

[mark clemson]

Most people will want to try to have a relationship on their own terms to the extent reasonably possible. In her case that means taking it VERY slowly due to emotional damage from the other relationship.

You are doing the right thing to respect her emotional state, however, this does you no favors if you're interested in advancing the relationship. She's essentially made you AND her "orbiters" because that's all she can be comfortable with right now. It's unfortunate as "orbiter" is not a good place to be generally.

She's letting you date others. I think if it were me, I'd date others and maintain the friendship WITHOUT letting her interfere with new relationships you start (which may be tricky).

In the (low probability IMO) scenario that nothing else has solidified by the time she's ready to actually date, you will be available to her and it may mean quite a lot to both of you. However, substantively more likely is that you will start a new relationship that goes well and you'll need to let her go her own way/find someone else so you can focus on the new partner.

[BaileyB]

On 5/17/2024 at 3:09 AM, evabavay said:

Is she trying to manipulate me

No, she is asking you to be respectful and not discuss your dating exploits with her because she finds that very awkward. 

She may or may not be interested in dating you but she has clearly said now is not the right time for her. That doesn’t mean that she wants to be one of your locker room buddies - listening to your stories about the phone numbers that you collect and the dates that you go on… She has asserted her boundary - and I would  argue that it’s it’s a healthy and reasonable boundary… if you like this woman (not in the romantic way, just as a person and as a friend), you will be considerate her feelings and respect the boundary that she has set. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/17/2024 at 10:09 AM, evabavay said:

so I told her a story about this girl who's number I got at a party a couple nights ago

This was a pretty obtuse move on your part. It was clearly meant to elicit some jealousy from her. Not bright, OP. 

On 5/17/2024 at 10:09 AM, evabavay said:

Is she trying to manipulate me, maybe keeping me on a string while she assesses her options?

No. I think it is a pretty reasonable thing to request you don't talk about your exploits with other women with one you've previously dated. It's basic courtesy. I don't get why you are so confused. 

On 5/17/2024 at 10:09 AM, evabavay said:

seriously why go on 3 dates with someone romantically interested in you if you don't think you're ready for a relationship? I just don't buy this excuse)

Are you the same guy who created all kinds of threads recently about this one girl who friend-zoned you after three dates? You sound awfully similar, right down to picking up another girl at a party. Smells a bit fishy to me. 

[evabavay]

23 hours ago, BaileyB said:

No, she is asking you to be respectful and not discuss your dating exploits with her because she finds that very awkward. 

She may or may not be interested in dating you but she has clearly said now is not the right time for her. That doesn’t mean that she wants to be one of your locker room buddies - listening to your stories about the phone numbers that you collect and the dates that you go on… She has asserted her boundary - and I would  argue that it’s it’s a healthy and reasonable boundary… if you like this woman (not in the romantic way, just as a person and as a friend), you will be considerate her feelings and respect the boundary that she has set. 

Fair enough. It was sort of intended to be an inside joke with someone we knew. I didn’t end up talking to the girl anyway, which I told her too.

[evabavay]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was a pretty obtuse move on your part. It was clearly meant to elicit some jealousy from her. Not bright, OP. 

No. I think it is a pretty reasonable thing to request you don't talk about your exploits with other women with one you've previously dated. It's basic courtesy. I don't get why you are so confused. 

Are you the same guy who created all kinds of threads recently about this one girl who friend-zoned you after three dates? You sound awfully similar, right down to picking up another girl at a party. Smells a bit fishy to me. 

1. Didn’t intend to make her jealous although yeah reading it back I feel like an a**h*** now. Should I apologise? Kind of makes it sound like I meant to make her jealous if I do tbh. But also like, my female friends tell me about their dating all the time and I’m completely cool with it, so I thought she would as well.

2. Fair point. I think this is the right answer. Told her I wouldn’t anymore I want to stay out of the dating pool for a while anyway. Also told her I didn’t end up contacting the woman. All true.

 

3. Um, what? Can you send me a link?

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, evabavay said:

But also like, my female friends tell me about their dating all the time and I’m completely cool with it, so I thought she would as well.

I am going to assume you realize that unless you have also dated those female friends, this is not the same context. I don't quite buy that you didn't already see the difference here. 

5 hours ago, evabavay said:

Should I apologise?

No. Just leave it be, and maybe keep your distance. Staying "friends" right now isn't a good idea when you want more and she doesn't.