My bf and his ex are bothering me BAD

[QueenA]

13 minutes ago, semble said:

You're nothing more than a rebound for him.

Look it up.

This will not go well for you.

What gets me is she wanted to be with him and he chose ME. How am I a rebound?

[flitzanu]

he's "choosing" to talk to her behind your back, and open avenues of conversation.  

and that's an incredibly thin excuse to reach out to an ex from two years ago to ask if she got something of his removed from social media.  that hardly even makes sense.

obviously it is hard to judge tone from text on a screen, but it seems like you're defensive about how much he "wants to be with you" and that you're in some new make-believe competition with this ex girlfriend, but really you should just be asking yourself if you want to be with a guy that is treating YOU this way.

[QueenA]

49 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

he's "choosing" to talk to her behind your back, and open avenues of conversation.  

and that's an incredibly thin excuse to reach out to an ex from two years ago to ask if she got something of his removed from social media.  that hardly even makes sense.

obviously it is hard to judge tone from text on a screen, but it seems like you're defensive about how much he "wants to be with you" and that you're in some new make-believe competition with this ex girlfriend, but really you should just be asking yourself if you want to be with a guy that is treating YOU this way.

Im

defensive because he had a choice between she and I and chose me. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Why do you even want a guy like this? 

Let him go play footsie with his ex. He's hardly a catch. 

[goldengirls]

Bc he thinks she did something to his social media…?? 
to me that seems like an excuse to have a way to talk to her. 
Bc why even message her at all and not let it go… especially over social media.  
and then to unblock her on all other ways to communicate? Again, this is reading he wants to talk to her behind your back and not be completely done with her. 
the whole social media issue could just be an excuse to message her,  bc why not just let it go… 

[goldengirls]

Just bc a person “chose” you at one point doesn’t mean they still want you… and it doesn’t mean they don’t regret it.  You keep saying that but it means nothing when his actions are showing he is trying to still talk to her.  Maybe he did want you at one point but has changed his mind.  
Are you always bringing this up with him, these issues over her? 
Ask yourself, why… if he wanted you so bad would he even care what she did.  Enough to have to “reach out”….

[basil67]

6 hours ago, QueenA said:

You’re really fired up aren’t you. If he loves her why does he continue to choose me 

If you were confident that he is continuing to choose you, you wouldn't have written this thread questioning his contact with her

[mark clemson]

People in a relationship should (I'd say must) be allowed to have friends. However, if a SPECIFIC friend (such as this Ex) threatens the relationship, it's reasonable to ask (and indeed insist) that a partner end contact with the friends.

If he refuses to end contact with her, then it's up to you whether you want to stay in a relationship where you don't feel emotionally safe. I think many people would leave, particularly as you're not yet married. If this truly bothers you and/or you think it is or will lead to cheating, then why accept it. He can go find other friends that aren't a threat to the relationship if he wants to stay in it.

Edited May 16, 2024 by mark clemson

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, QueenA said:

 

defensive because he had a choice between she and I and chose me. 

Oh dear. He chose you 2 years ago. He picked you back then when he was with her....that means he can pick her now while he's with you. He done it to her, he won't hesitate to do it to you.

[Alpacalia]

Him choosing you does not erase the fact that he has a lot of history and unresolved issues with this other girl. Just because he has chosen to be with you now, does not mean that he has completely moved on from her. The fact that he unblocked her on other platforms after messaging her on tiktok suggests that he may still have some unresolved feelings for her or wants to keep the possibility of communicating with her open.

You reiterating he picked me he picked me is just trying to reassure yourself. The truth is, he needed to have a closure conversation with her and he did. But now he’s unblocking her on other platforms, which shows that the door is still somewhat open.

Of course, it could just be a way of being on friendly terms and being civil, but keeping this other person in his life, especially when it caused issues in your relationship before, is not a good sign.

[semble]

10 hours ago, QueenA said:

What gets me is she wanted to be with him and he chose ME. How am I a rebound?

Did you even look up what a rebound is?

If he hadn't gone back to her then you'd be right, in which case he obviously chose you over her.

He's still involved with her, so he didn't choose you, and you're being played.

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, goldengirls said:

Men don’t usually reach out to talk to exes to clear their conscience from guilt.  They usually let it go and move on with their new relationship.

I have to disagree. I recently reached out to an ex who broke up with me in 2014. I’ve moved on several times since then and have absolutely no romantic feelings and zero desire to be romantically involved with that ex. Yet I did sent her an apology and a “thank you” message, after having realized the mistakes that I’d made when I was still together with her.

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, glows said:

Why are you living with a guy who is unblocking exes and chatting about the past. 

Why is unblocking exes and chatting about the past bad? I see no reason to block exes in the first place, unless they aggressively seek a reunion. It could be completely innocent. I’m not saying that is the situation in the OP’s case, but I wouldn’t generalize like this.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

People in a relationship should (I'd say must) be allowed to have friends. However, if a SPECIFIC friend (such as this Ex) threatens the relationship, it's reasonable to ask (and indeed insist) that a partner end contact with the friends.

Now this I agree with. If his contact with the ex is threatening your relationship, then the OP should insist that he breaks off that contact.

For example, if she keeps saying romantic things to him, if they continue to talk about being together, if the messages are flirty, etc.

Judging from what OP posted, it’s unclear what exactly is going on.

I insist, however, that having contact with exes per se is normal. They are part of our life experiences and it would be unreasonable to just cut them off. All that is needed is confidence and trust that the contact isn’t of a romantic nature anymore. 

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Oh dear. He chose you 2 years ago. He picked you back then when he was with her....that means he can pick her now while he's with you. He done it to her, he won't hesitate to do it to you.

I really disagree with this. 

I have too many examples from my life and from the lives of my friends where people picked someone while being with someone else, yet they never went back to their exes.

It doesn’t even sound common at all. 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Where people picked someone while being with someone else, yet they never went back to their exes.

 

It doesn't mean it never happens cause you have not seen it.

It's not about going back to their ex in particular. If you picked someone else while in a relationship it means you have a problem with integrity, and it means you have it in you to cheat & have no scrupule doing it. Which OP's bf did. He cheated on his ex to be with OP.

I have a family member who does that, he always pick his next partner while already in a relationship. Sometimes it's a new woman, sometimes it's a woman he dated before.

@Gebidozohow would you feel if your fiancée unblocked an ex saying she needs closure from the man she cheated on to be with you. That would mean all the time she was with you, her heart was with him.  How could she fully love you with  an acking heart for someone else.

[Alpacalia]

Agree with @Gaeta. Situation is a bit different because OP's boyfriend cheated on his girlfriend at the time with her.

[QueenA]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree with @Gaeta. Situation is a bit different because OP's boyfriend cheated on his girlfriend at the time with her.

Does it help that they haven’t talked in a few days?

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

If you picked someone else while in a relationship it means you have a problem with integrity, and it means you have it in you to cheat & have no scrupule doing it.

Not at all.

I mean, yes, it can happen, but it’s entirely possible that a person cheats just that one time in their life, to pick a different partner and to stay faithful to them. I’ve witnessed both cases in abundance. It’s impossible to generalize here.

 

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

How would you feel if your fiancée unblocked an ex saying she needs closure from the man she cheated on to be with you.

She never blocked her latest ex to begin with. She doesn’t need closure from him, but she definitely cares for him, it’s completely normal. I haven’t blocked my ex, either. 

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

That would mean all the time she was with you, her heart was with him.  How could she fully love you with  an acking heart for someone else.

Oh, I have no doubts that romantically, she only loves me. But for sure she has feelings for him in the sense that he isn’t a stranger and she isn’t indifferent to his fate. That’s very normal and I’m completely fine with that. We both have guilt feelings regarding our respective exes, especially she, because she left him (I was dumped, so perhaps less remorse on my side).

Her heart is with him only in the sense of compassion and feeling guilty and wishing him happiness. I totally understand that, I also wish my exes the best and feel bad about having hurt their feelings. 

[Alpacalia]

33 minutes ago, QueenA said:

Does it help that they haven’t talked in a few days?

You're in a tough spot. Even IF they are just on friendly terms, how your relationship started (you were, essentially, the other woman) -  coupled with the fact that it's someone EVEN his family unanimously hates, are both things that won't make you ever feel completely secure. And feelings aren't things you can switch on and off.  

So while you commend him for "showing you" those reasons (so-to-speak), they could just as easily been hidden things, and you'd be none the wiser.  But pondering on the past will give you no peace in the end. 

Knowing all you do, you can only decide for yourself what you'll do - essentially accept and inwardly acknowledge those things that will never feel right with you, or let it interfere with your relationship - or move on and hope you find someone with less "baggage" to weigh your shoulders down.

The reason for the break up and the vengeful things she did to him is definitely worth knowing, to evaluate the full picture. How he cheated on his gf with you is a really good indicator how their relationship was, toxicity works both ways.

As things are, he did what needed to be done for his own peace of mind. He mended his own wrong doings and hopes for hers as well. It doesn't necessarily indicate there exists a future between them. Is it enough for you? 

The closure? They apologized for the past. Closure doesn't imply "forgiveness" or "reconciliation" here, it's closure. For both to set aside resentments and anger and to forgive oneself too.

They could say the last goodbye, that's what was needed.

Their messaging and apologizing could have just been a way to clear their consciences and let go of any lingering resentment.  The fact that he unblocked her afterwards may have just been an afterthought, or maybe he felt like they could be civil now that things have been cleared up. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be with her or that he was hiding anything from you.

Again, given the dynamics of how your relationship began, how do you know 100% that your bf is over her? The sad truth is that you don't ever 100% know. You have to trust him and trust that he chose to be with you because he loves you and he wants to be with you, not because he just couldn't be with her.

Maybe if his family didn't dislike her, they would be together. But there's no way to know for sure. 

[QueenA]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're in a tough spot. Even IF they are just on friendly terms, how your relationship started (you were, essentially, the other woman) -  coupled with the fact that it's someone EVEN his family unanimously hates, are both things that won't make you ever feel completely secure. And feelings aren't things you can switch on and off.  

So while you commend him for "showing you" those reasons (so-to-speak), they could just as easily been hidden things, and you'd be none the wiser.  But pondering on the past will give you no peace in the end. 

Knowing all you do, you can only decide for yourself what you'll do - essentially accept and inwardly acknowledge those things that will never feel right with you, or let it interfere with your relationship - or move on and hope you find someone with less "baggage" to weigh your shoulders down.

The reason for the break up and the vengeful things she did to him is definitely worth knowing, to evaluate the full picture. How he cheated on his gf with you is a really good indicator how their relationship was, toxicity works both ways.

As things are, he did what needed to be done for his own peace of mind. He mended his own wrong doings and hopes for hers as well. It doesn't necessarily indicate there exists a future between them. Is it enough for you? 

The closure? They apologized for the past. Closure doesn't imply "forgiveness" or "reconciliation" here, it's closure. For both to set aside resentments and anger and to forgive oneself too.

They could say the last goodbye, that's what was needed.

Their messaging and apologizing could have just been a way to clear their consciences and let go of any lingering resentment.  The fact that he unblocked her afterwards may have just been an afterthought, or maybe he felt like they could be civil now that things have been cleared up. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be with her or that he was hiding anything from you.

Again, given the dynamics of how your relationship began, how do you know 100% that your bf is over her? The sad truth is that you don't ever 100% know. You have to trust him and trust that he chose to be with you because he loves you and he wants to be with you, not because he just couldn't be with her.

Maybe if his family didn't dislike her, they would be together. But there's no way to know for sure. 

I don’t think he’s over her. They have sooooo much history that there’s no way he can forget her but u just noticed he hadn’t talked to her in a few days so that’s sadly comforting 

[smackie9]

Obviously you are not going to leave him regardless, so your only choice is to keep communicating with him honestly about the whole deal and don't stop. Hopefully you can set some boundaries to make this work.

[QueenA]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Obviously you are not going to leave him regardless, so your only choice is to keep communicating with him honestly about the whole deal and don't stop. Hopefully you can set some boundaries to make this work.

If I find out he’s interested beyond apologizing to her then I will leave 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

She doesn’t need closure from him

That was my point to you. 

In OP's story, her boyfriend said he needed closure from his ex. That changes the dynamic doesn't it? When we need closure it's because our feelings are still entangled in our story together. 

I agree there is no need to block exs but there is also no need to stay in touch with them if there are no children involved. I would never get in touch with my latest ex because I have too much respect for my boyfriend. My life is with him, right now, with both my feet in the present. 

[Gebidozo]

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That was my point to you. 

In OP's story, her boyfriend said he needed closure from his ex. That changes the dynamic doesn't it? When we need closure it's because our feelings are still entangled in our story together. 

I agree there is no need to block exs but there is also no need to stay in touch with them if there are no children involved. I would never get in touch with my latest ex because I have too much respect for my boyfriend. My life is with him, right now, with both my feet in the present. 

Yeah, I see your point, but I guess there are always nuances in those issues. For example, I still have pets my ex and I raised together, and my fiancée’s ex has pets they raised together. I think it would be cruel of me to demand that she breaks off all contact with her ex. I’m fine with them chatting sometimes and her asking about their dogs etc. Similarly, my fiancée is totally cool with my ex coming to town and visiting the rabbits a couple of times per year.