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Did he ever love or was he using me?


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flow28

Have to let it out of my system. Been dating a guy (at least that's what I thought..) from an app for four and a half months. Initially everything was good, he was showing consistent interest and we went out a lot. Didn't immediately pressure me for sex. It seemed perfect. We had similar interests and passions, like an ideal match and he was different from any other guys I ever met. Then we started hanging out more at his place, had sex (it was the first time for me). He introduced me to his friends and at some point asked for a relationship, I agreed. He told me he uninstalled tinder and that he'd never felt so good with anyone before. From that point on I was sure we had the boyfriend and girlfriend titles. 

 

However, over the course of time he started being disrespectful and sometimes a bit mean - trying to subtly put me down so that I wouldn't be 'better' than him in some areas. Of course I ignored the red flags. He mentioned being open to a threesome early on but after I told him I hate it he never mentioned the topic again and apologized. What started to annoy me the most was that very often he had trips with his friends and wouldn't take me with him, making some excuses. It felt like I wasn't a priority. Then he mentioned he wants to travel to a small town by the seaside with his friends in the summer for 2 weeks and they'll be clubbing. He said he'd been travelling there for five years. I got pissed as I wanted to be included, especially after he mentioned clubbing and drinking which is a good occasion to cheat. Also, leaving me, his gf for 2 weeks? A no no for me. We began arguing a lot, mostly because I started.

 

Everything shattered yesterday when I texted him that he'd ignored my text for 2 days about in which town he was going to play a concert. He claimed he didn't notice my message and was very busy with work. Then I went on about how he doesn't treat me like a priority and constantly travels without me, ignored my text etc. I asked why he even needs a girlfriend if he treats me like this. I added he should compromise and either take me with him for that holiday or just not go. He disagreed and said we're not together, that I'm not his girlfriend and we're not officially a couple since we haven't had that talk and because I don't trust him at all. He said he felt I was controlling him and he doesn't like it, and that I always have pretences & don't care about him. He said we were not close enough and he felt uncomfortable that I treat this relationship as if we're already a boyfriend and girlfriend. He added a girlfriend wouldn't constantly start fights but then he said something horrible that absolutely destroyed me. After I said I felt he doesn't love me he replied it's too early for him to love yet. That's were I ended the chat because this is just so cruel. After around five months of dating where he himself wanted a 'relationship' he tells me it's too early for him to love? What the?? Did he really mean what he said or was he just very mad? I'm completely devastated so just need some words of sympathy rn...

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FredEire

It sounds like he's not at the stage where he's able for the committments of a relationship but likes keeping a girl around with the pretence of a relationship to make him feel good, which is very selfish.

From the fact you said it was your first time with him Im guessing you're both quite young. It's going to hurt but I suggest you move on.

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stillafool

Maybe at first he thought he wanted a relationship but after spending time with you he now realizes he won't be free to have the hot summer with his friends that he wants.  If he were in love with you he never would have said this:

1 hour ago, flow28 said:

he tells me it's too early for him to love?

He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.  Since you don't trust him at all this is for the best.  I hope you make your own summer plans with your friends so you can get over him and move on.

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FredEire
44 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Maybe at first he thought he wanted a relationship but after spending time with you he now realizes he won't be free to have the hot summer with his friends that he wants.  If he were in love with you he never would have said this:

He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.  Since you don't trust him at all this is for the best.  I hope you make your own summer plans with your friends so you can get over him and move on.

Yes, it sounds like he just wants to sleep around and have fun at the moment.

Unfortunately when you are young people often hurt eachother because they don't want a relationship but don't have the communication skills or the heart to say this yet.

You should probably end it and let him go rather than waiting around for him to change

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flitzanu

you don't need to try and read between the lines or find some secret hidden meaning here, he literally is telling you the truth and you need to believe it.

this isn't boyfriend material and he doesn't care about your feelings.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Update.. I got so upset over what he wrote that I ignored him for 2 weeks and unfriended him on one social media platform. Maybe an overreaction but imo this was disrespectful and suggested that I needed to jump through hoops to earn his 'love'.. Finally I contacted him with an ultimatum - either officially together with all the consequences or not at all - he replied 'after all of this I don't see a serious relationship happening'. Was this guy pretending to be into me all this time? Right now he's successful and I'm struggling to move on. 

 

 

 

Tbh it wasn't clearly established that we were in a relationship. Before he was like 'For us to (...) we'd have to be in a relationship' and immediately after he added 'But when we get into one in the future, we will (...)'. I said let's say we are in one (yes, a bit ambiguous but he didn't comment on that). Months later he said all this crap about not being my bf. Was him talking about us not being close enough to be official just an excuse? I feel if he was really into me he would've either skipped the holiday or would've gone with me and we'd just join his friends.. He was also gaslighting me because we were seeing each other 2-3 times a week and texting regularly (texting with 1-2 day breaks at most).

 

 

 

Our convo went like this: 
- Why do you need a gf if you're not including her in your travel plans & wanna go to a club to another town? In your mind you're single & independent, this is asking for the bare minimum
- We're not together, we're seeing each other. You're treating it as if we've been in a relationship for a long time, we're close but it's not at the same level of me being your bf. You treating it that way makes me uncomfortable. A gf would ask if everything's ok instead of pretences
- Can you elaborate and explain the difference? Is that fwb? At this point I don't know what we are & I'm lost
- You forbidding me to go on the holiday would make sense if we were officially together & very close to each other. We're seeing each other once a week or even less, we're not texting regularly & not talking on the phone. In a relationship the other person is the most important, if something happens you take care of them instead of pretences. You don't trust me & there should be full trust. These things are not there, that's why I haven't asked to be an official couple.
(...)
- Such control is something I want to avoid in a close relationship
- I think if someone loves his girlfriend he'd want to take her on holiday rather than leaving her and partying with friends
- Firstly you're not my gf, it requires a talk about being official. Secondly, it's too soon for me to love, I need time

 

 

 

Then when I messaged him after 2 weeks I added it reeks of using me for sex. He tried to put it on me saying I was the one who initiated sex while he wasn't ready yet (it's not true). I only initiated the topic but he was the one who 'materialized' it. On our dates early on he'd been making sexual innuendos and jokes first so he kinda pressured me in a sneaky way, while I was inexperienced and fell for it. He wouldn't directly tell me he wanted to have sex though.

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28 minutes ago, flow28 said:

Update.. I got so upset over what he wrote that I ignored him for 2 weeks and unfriended him on one social media platform. Maybe an overreaction but imo this was disrespectful and suggested that I needed to jump through hoops to earn his 'love'.. Finally I contacted him with an ultimatum - either officially together with all the consequences or not at all - he replied 'after all of this I don't see a serious relationship happening'. Was this guy pretending to be into me all this time? Right now he's successful and I'm struggling to move on. 

I'm really confused as to how the rest of the story happened after this part.   If a boyfriend/girlfriend/situationship ignores for two weeks and unfriends, then it's over.  Kaput.  No more relationship

I'm not sure why he accepted further contact on your part after this....and I'm not sure why you bothered getting back in contact with him either.

It's time to stop worrying or analysing and let the whole thing die.  Look to the future, not your past.

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2 hours ago, flow28 said:

Update.. I got so upset over what he wrote that I ignored him for 2 weeks and unfriended him on one social media platform. Maybe an overreaction but imo this was disrespectful and suggested that I needed to jump through hoops to earn his 'love'.. Finally I contacted him with an ultimatum - either officially together with all the consequences or not at all - he replied 'after all of this I don't see a serious relationship happening'. Was this guy pretending to be into me all this time? Right now he's successful and I'm struggling to move on. 

 

 

 

Tbh it wasn't clearly established that we were in a relationship. Before he was like 'For us to (...) we'd have to be in a relationship' and immediately after he added 'But when we get into one in the future, we will (...)'. I said let's say we are in one (yes, a bit ambiguous but he didn't comment on that). Months later he said all this crap about not being my bf. Was him talking about us not being close enough to be official just an excuse? I feel if he was really into me he would've either skipped the holiday or would've gone with me and we'd just join his friends.. He was also gaslighting me because we were seeing each other 2-3 times a week and texting regularly (texting with 1-2 day breaks at most).

 

 

 

Our convo went like this: 
- Why do you need a gf if you're not including her in your travel plans & wanna go to a club to another town? In your mind you're single & independent, this is asking for the bare minimum
- We're not together, we're seeing each other. You're treating it as if we've been in a relationship for a long time, we're close but it's not at the same level of me being your bf. You treating it that way makes me uncomfortable. A gf would ask if everything's ok instead of pretences
- Can you elaborate and explain the difference? Is that fwb? At this point I don't know what we are & I'm lost
- You forbidding me to go on the holiday would make sense if we were officially together & very close to each other. We're seeing each other once a week or even less, we're not texting regularly & not talking on the phone. In a relationship the other person is the most important, if something happens you take care of them instead of pretences. You don't trust me & there should be full trust. These things are not there, that's why I haven't asked to be an official couple.
(...)
- Such control is something I want to avoid in a close relationship
- I think if someone loves his girlfriend he'd want to take her on holiday rather than leaving her and partying with friends
- Firstly you're not my gf, it requires a talk about being official. Secondly, it's too soon for me to love, I need time

 

 

 

Then when I messaged him after 2 weeks I added it reeks of using me for sex. He tried to put it on me saying I was the one who initiated sex while he wasn't ready yet (it's not true). I only initiated the topic but he was the one who 'materialized' it. On our dates early on he'd been making sexual innuendos and jokes first so he kinda pressured me in a sneaky way, while I was inexperienced and fell for it. He wouldn't directly tell me he wanted to have sex though.

This dude does not deserve you Flow. You will be so much better off without him moving forward. 😊😊😊

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This guy is not interested in a relationship with you and has told you why.  At this point I don't even think he's interested in having sex with you anymore.  He's right, you aren't his gf and have no right to make these demands of him.

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It can sometimes be challenging to distinguish between genuine love and someone who may be using you. Here are some signs to help you identify whether someone truly cares about you or if they may have ulterior motives:

Signs of Genuine Love:
1. **Consistency**:
They consistently show care, support, and affection towards you, not just when it's convenient for them.
2. **Respect**: They respect your boundaries, opinions, and feelings, and they encourage you to be yourself.
3. **Communication**: They openly communicate with you, listen to your thoughts and feelings, and are willing to work through challenges together.
4. **Mutual Support**: They support your goals, dreams, and aspirations, and they celebrate your successes.
5. **Empathy**: They show empathy and understanding towards your struggles, and they are there for you during difficult times.
6. **Trustworthiness**: They are honest, reliable, and trustworthy, and they prioritize your well-being.
7. **Equality**: They view your relationship as a partnership and treat you as an equal, rather than exerting control or dominance.
8. **Compromise**: They are willing to compromise and find solutions that work for both of you, rather than always insisting on having their own way.
9. **Respect for Independence**: They respect your independence and encourage you to pursue your own interests and friendships.
10. **Long-Term Perspective**: They demonstrate a commitment to the relationship and show interest in building a future together.

Signs of Being Used:
1. **Inconsistency**: They only reach out to you when they need something from you or when it benefits them.
2. **Disregard for Boundaries**: They ignore your boundaries, push you to do things you're not comfortable with, or dismiss your needs and feelings.
3. **Self-Centeredness**: They are primarily focused on their own needs, desires, and agenda, without considering yours.
4. **Manipulation**: They use guilt, manipulation, or coercion to get what they want from you.
5. **Lack of Communication**: They avoid honest communication, dodge important conversations, or only communicate when it serves their interests.
6. **Conditional Support**: They only support you when it aligns with their own goals or interests, and they may withdraw support when you need it most.
7. **Lack of Empathy**: They show little empathy or concern for your feelings, struggles, or well-being.
8. **Secretive Behavior**: They are secretive about their own life and may hide important aspects from you.
9. **One-Sided Relationship**: The relationship feels one-sided, with you constantly giving and them taking without reciprocating.
10. **Short-Term Focus**: They are not interested in building a long-term relationship or investing in your future together.

If you're unsure about someone's intentions, it's important to trust your instincts and observe their behavior over time. Communication is key in any relationship, so if you have concerns, it's okay to address them openly and honestly with the other person. Ultimately, prioritize your own well-being and surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you and support your happiness.

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7 hours ago, flow28 said:

You wrote in your first post about this:

Quote

at some point asked for a relationship, I agreed.

 

And later, this:

7 hours ago, flow28 said:

Tbh it wasn't clearly established that we were in a relationship.

Which was it?

Though it really does not matter - the truth is, that there was no evidence that this guy "loved" you OR that he was "using" you.  From my perspective it sounds like you and the guy were dating for 4 months and ended up in conflict because you wanted a lot more out of it than he did.

From your description of the timeline and things that went down, I have to say that IMO you were out of line trying to tell him what he could and could not do regarding his trips.   If you didn't like it, you sure did not need to stay involved with him, because he was doing as he wished.   But it doesn't mean he was "using" you.   

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Having sex with someone does not mean we're in a relationship. Sounds like you gave this relationship much more meaning than he did.

At 4 months dating if a guy does not treat you the way you wish then you breakup and you move on to someone who'll date you the way you want to be dated.

By the way you can't tell a grown person what to do, even you official biyfriend. If you don't like your boyfriend spending too much time with his friends, or you don't like that he takes trips to drink and party...then don't be his girlfriend. 

What's this about a boyfriend doesn't leave his girlftiend alone for 2 weeks? Where is that rule coming from! 

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If you have to give someone an ultimatum and tell them to be fair to you, that means they simply don't like you enough to be in a relationship.

You run when you get ignored in relationship. You can confront them, but you confront them with the attitude of "I got better ways to spend my time. What are you going to do?" 

You're sorta begging here. Nothing wrong with begging when you are deeply apologizing for something destructive, but you don't beg when someone is treating you like a jerk. 

You say goodbye and run. BTW: your guilt radar is completely malfunctioning. You have the right to tell off a distant person who is wasting your time. Disrespectful? What?!!! That makes sense. You need to go read some books about dating. 

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He's already talking to another girl from what I've seen. Did I really scare him off? If you're really into someone you try to work things out instead of saying hurtful things like he did. Like, did he really expect me not to react when he was saying all that 'no love yet' bs? He shouldn't have been surprised that I got mad. 

Edited by flow28
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1 minute ago, flow28 said:

He's already talking to another girl from what I've seen. Did I really scare him off? If you're really into someone you try to work things out instead of saying hurtful things like he did. Like, did he really expect me not to react when he was saying all that 'no love yet' bs? He shouldn't have been surprised that I got mad. 

This guy does not deserve you. It’s really quite that simple. You deserve someone who values you and treats you as such

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