Don't know how to get out

[crzyblndstar]

I will warn you now, this is going to be pretty long.

 

I met my current bf about 2 yrs ago while working. We pretty much immediately move in together (not the smartest choice) without knowing much about each other. I noticed at the beginning he was a little jealous but I really didn't pay much attention to it b/c I had a lot of guy friends and I pretty much did what I wanted so I understood that this could make someone a little jealous at the beginning of a relationship. I had been single for quite sometime and was very independent. We were always fighting about me knowing everyone and every other little thing that his insecurities couldn't deal with. This should have been a sign but I was too wrapped up in the newness and passion of our new relationship. After a couple of months, I became pregnant. Little by little, the contact with my guy friends was cut off. My girlfriends seldom hung out with me b/c they were always going out to clubs and bars and being pregnant, I did not want to attend. While I was pregnant, I became what he wanted. I sat around doing nothing, only hanging out with my family and pretty much doing the household "wifely" thing. A few months after having my son, I started feeling human again and started working and wanting to get out and do things. I don't think he likes this much b/c we are always fighting again. I am not going to tell you about every single fight that we have been in (that would take a decade). But the jist of it is that he wants me under his control. He gets in my face nose to nose and screams at me, he calls me b*tch, c*nt and puts me down. He makes me feel that every fight is my fault, because I am always "talking ****". He controls me with guilt. He tells me that he gets mad at me b/c he has had a bad life. Lately the fights have gotten worse. He has laid on top of me not letting me move ato try and get me to listen (which i was before he laid on top of me). He cornered me into a wall screaming at me. He punched the wall breaking a picture right by our son. He got in my face screaming at me while holding our son. These are just a few examples. Recently we had a fight and I told him that he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me and he told me that it was b/c I was always talking sh*t. It has come to me recently that we want different things in life, we have different goals. I think about wanting to be with someone that I can be myself around and express an opinion without being made to feel that it is stupid. I dream about having fun and laughing with someone again. I have not told him these things b/c when we argue, I can never think straight. He is very manipulative and changes the fight on me in an instant. We will be fighting about something and before I know it, the fight is about something else. We can never just talk, it always ends in a fight. I feel like I am trapped and I am scared to tell him these things b/c he will make me feel guilty for thinking he is such a bad guy. He has threatened to try and take my son from me if I left. My son is my world. I can't imagine going one day without seeing him. I also know that he really couldn't afford to live without me. He needs the little money I make to get by. He has threatened suicide before also. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. I dont even feel like I can talk about my friends to him b/c he will just get quiet and not talk to me for a while. I think he gets mad when I talk about them. I don't know how to get away. He will make me think that he cant live without me. He is not going to let me go easy. I guess I am just scared. Has anyone been through this type of situation. I need help.

[crzyblndstar]

oh by the way. I dont know if I am in the right forum for this situation, but I have read some of the threads and I like the honesty and advice that the people in this forum give. Thank you in advance for any replies and advice.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

when we argue, I can never think straight

 

You ARE thinking straight ... it is HIM who is making you think that you aren't.

 

Get yourself and your child away from this man immediately. You can't talk to him about this. Go to a shelter and learn what he is really about.

 

I'm not experienced in abusive relationships at all, but I know from reading your thread you need to GET OUT NOW.

[Walk]

It's not that you aren't thinking straight... he's not playing in the same reality the rest of the world does. Topic jumping is his way of keeping you off balance and on the defensive.

 

You need to take your son and leave. Call your family, and leave now. It will get worse. You are not safe there. If not for you, do this for your son. My step-nephew grew up in an abusive home until he was 9. He's permenantly scarred from his experience. Don't do this to your son. Get out now.

[Lucasarts]

GTFO now

 

save yourself, this guy is a prick to the max.

 

im surprised you had to ask what to do, use common sense. The man has done nothing good for your health or relationship. unless u like being screamed and degraded (which i think you dont).

[clandestinidad]

I posted this before in another thread started by Walk in August '05

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68111/

 

Its a good thread, and that one as well as many others you can search for will help you realize that you MUST get out now!!

 

Signs of Abuse:

 

 

1. 'Jeckel and Hyde behavior': Your partner is wonderful and caring for a while and then will do an about face and be angry about things that they thought were fine at an earlier time. They switch back and forth between behaviors for no apparent reason.

 

2. 'Life Would be so Good If': You frequently think that your relationship would be perfect if not for his or her emotional storms. The storms seem to be coming more and more frequently. Between times, life is wonderful, but when a storm is coming you can often tell by that 'Walking on Eggs Feeling'.

 

3. 'That Walking On Eggs Feeling': You feel at times that any action on your part will cause your partner to erupt into anger. You try to do everything you can think of to avoid it, but the longer the feeling goes on, the more likely the blowup will happen, no matter what you do.

 

4. 'I Can't Stand You, But You Better Not Leave': Your partner keeps telling you that you aren't worth having a relationship with, but will not consider breaking off the relationship. Acts more outrageously when he or she finds out you are attempting to leave the relationship.

 

5. 'So Much, So Fast': Your partner just met you and doesn't know much about you, but he or she has to have you, so you must commit now.

 

6. 'It's You That's the Problem': Your partner never seems to consider his or her own part in your domestic disputes. You get blamed for all problems because of the most ridiculous things.

 

7. 'This Happened to Me and It's All Your Fault': You are blamed for your partners problems even when it was his or her responsibility to not make mistakes. This could be things like him or her not getting to work on time and getting in trouble, not getting a job, not paying the bills in a timely manner, etc.

 

8. 'It's Their Fault': Your partner is never the cause of his own problems, if it's not your fault, it was somebody else's.

 

9. 'Overreacting': Your partner way overreacts to little irritations. Small offenses like leaving the cap off the toothpaste cause him or her to have huge anger scenes or act out in an outrageous manner.

 

10. 'I Will Get You for That': Your partner doesn't try to negotiate a better relationship, but retaliates by doing something to you that he or she knows will hurt you emotionally.

 

11. 'All the Fights are about What I Do Wrong': You never seem to be able to talk about his or her wrong actions, the discussion seems to always be about what you did wrong and there seems to be always something new that you did wrong.

 

12. 'You are Worthless': Your partner keeps telling you that all your problems are because you can't manage to do anything right.

 

13. 'Unrealistic Expectations': Your partner is dependent on you for all his/her needs and expects you to be the perfect mate, lover and friend. You are expected to meet all of his/her needs.

 

14. 'Blames Others for His/Her Feelings': You are told, "You make me mad," "you're hurting me by not doing what I ask,: or "I can't help being angry".

 

15. 'Intense Jealousy': Your partner tells you that expressing jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity not love. You are questioned about who you talk to and you may frequently receive calls or unexpected visits during the day.

 

16. 'Isolation': He or She have attempted to cut off your family, friends, and independent financial resources. Your friends and family are put down and you are put down for socializing with them. You or they are accused of ridiculous motives.

 

 

 

Abusive people have problems with handling anger. They try to control their environment with aggressive behavior, not assertive behavior.

 

Aggressive behavior is characterized by:

 

Asserting his or her own rights at the expense of others. Engages in inappropriate outbursts or badly overreacts. Intent is to humiliate or to get even, to put down others. Feels superior to others. Verbal behavior of interrupting, threats, uses name calling, demands, put-downs - judgmental. Saves up anger and resentment and uses them to justify later blowups.

 

Assertive behavior is characterized by:

 

Standing up for legitimate rights in a way that does not violate rights of others. Emotionally honest, direct, expressive. Works to enhance self. Confident, feels good about him or herself now and later. Verbal behavior of direct statements, "I" statements (I think, I feel, I want). Speaks in cooperative terms (let's, how can we). Statements of interest (what do you think?). Values him or herself and others, needs are met. Owns his or her own behavior

 

 

More from another source (lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/)

 

One aspect of emotional abuse is that it eventually brainwashes the victim.

THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING

(MIND CONTROL)

 

1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

 

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

 

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher.

 

Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

 

3. The brainwasher creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.

 

Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

 

4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

 

Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.

 

5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

 

In other words -- What he says, goes.

[clandestinidad]

BTW, the chances of him getting your son are extremely slim, unless you do something wrong. Dont worry about that right now.

 

What you need to do is get together some money, and set up a place where you can stay (parents, friends, etc). Make sure it is a place harder for him to go to, b/c he will probably act very irrationally.

 

You MUST call or talk in person to the police before doing this. Tell them that he has done things verbal and physical, and that you are going to leave him. Tell them that you are scared. They absolutely must know whats going on. (This will also help in case there are any custody battles).

 

They will help you. They've helped me and thousands of other women. That is their job To Protect and Serve. They take these things very seriously.

 

Also, since you are obviously concerned that this guy will hurt or kill himself, trust me that he wont. People like this love themselves too much to commit suicide, he's only saying it to control you b/c he knows youre compassionate.

 

I know you are probably also concerned that he will 'get in trouble' with the law or something if you tell anyone about it. But here's the thing....HE'S ALREADY CHOSEN TO PUT HIMSELF IN THAT SITUATION BY ABUSING YOU. Its already done....and he rightfully should get in trouble for it....its illegal for a reason!

 

Anyway, I have just written some brief things about it....and have much more help to offer you if you'd like some

[clandestinidad]

I also wanted to add this:

 

you dont need to have a discussion with someone to break up with them. Its your choice. You dont need to talk about it with him. Apparently youve already tried fixing this, tried rationalizing, tried anything you can think of. A person as controlling as he is will not hear it.

 

Just get some things together and leave. It only takes ONE person to break up. It truly does not matter what he thinks or says about it. Take some necessities and just go....thats the safest way to do it at this point.

 

Trying to break up with someone like him in person will NOT go well. Focus on yourself and your beautiful child.....thats all that matters right now

[Fun2BMe]

But the jist of it is that he wants me under his control. He gets in my face nose to nose and screams at me, he calls me b*tch, c*nt and puts me down.

I had to stop reading when I got to the part above. If a guy did that to me, I would remove him out of my life faster than a speeding bullet.

[Becoming]

Contact a domestic violence/abuse center in your area immediately. Don't talk to him about doing this. You need to ask to speak to a counselor, not the hotline. You may want to set up an appt. to talk to someone.

 

You need to formulate a plan to leave. What he chooses to do with his life is not your responsibility. So if he needs more money, he needs to get it. If he chooses to commit suicide, that's his decision that you can do nothing about. You are responsible for your life and your son's.

 

This abuse is only going to get worse. You can live in denial and hope it'll get better all you want, but it ain't gonna happen. You've already painted a picture of escalating abuse. It's a matter of time before he gets more physical, and you or your child could die or be psychically wounded.

 

Please contact your domestic violence center as soon as possible for the sake of your child, if not for yourself.